A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thanks in advance to anybody who reads this all the way through, it will probably turn out to be lengthy, and I appreciate any meaningful advice or insight on this.BACKGROUND: I have been in a relationship for about 10 years with a woman my age. We had both been married before and swore we would never marry again so we have been in agreement since the beginning that we don't want to get married. We also agreed that we would not co-habitate until our children (I have 2 girls, she has 2 boys) were grown. All but one, her youngest son who is 15, are now grown. We have plans to build/buy a home together in a few more years. However, despite our aversion to actual marriage and the current living situation, we are exclusive, monogamous and essentially like any married couple. We talk daily, say good morning and good night, let each other know what we're doing and where we are, have dinner or lunch together more often than not, take trips (sometimes just the two of us, sometimes as a family with some or all of the kids), etc. I include this background, in part, because I've seen a lot of discussion on other posts here that question why someone has not "committed" to marriage after several years together - so that is the reason. PROBLEM: The problem I'm here for is related to some personal insecurities I have and how/when those manifest in certain circumstances. Before getting to the point, I will say that I do have some insecurities that I'm aware of as it relates to her interaction with other men. This is not her problem, it is mine. She is a very social person who can (and does) talk to just about anybody - whether it's business, an acquaintance, a friend, or just a stranger in line at a store or a stranger in the next seat on an airplane. She just friendly and engaging, and that's one of the things about her that I fell in love with. It's also one of the things that gives me anxiety. More than once (actually several times) over the years men have mistaken her friendliness for flirtation or interest. Sometimes these are strangers, sometimes these are people in her social or work circles. Now, I know her personality is what it is and I know she isn't flirting or hitting on men, but THEY don't always know that. Yes, I know she has chosen me and is not flirting with them, etc., but it still triggers my personal insecurities and anxiety and sometimes anger at the men, especially when it's men that know she's in a relationship with me yet they will still flirt or make advances towards her. I am certain she has not cheated on me and I am confident that she does not encourage men or mislead them into thinking she might be interested (other than her natural personality just seems to give off a false vibe in that regard). She doesn't always discourage it as much as I would like, she's a bit more passive (like just ignoring or avoiding their comments and such until they seem to get the message) but overall she seems to just take it in stride. I will say she is very athletic and stays in great shape by exercising daily so I know she appreciates the appropriate attention she gets about her physical attractiveness but I think that's normal (who doesn't appreciate being noticed for their attractiveness?) and she probably secretly appreciates even the inappropriate attention to a certain extent but she is not an attention seeker and does not feed off of that. She tells me that she enjoys being around people who are fun in a social setting but that she isn't, and never has been, interested in anybody else but me.So the current problem is this: She has become very good friends with another woman who is married to a guy that nobody really likes. He's not unlikeable, per se, he's just very socially awkward and actually kind of weird (I don't disagree, it's very hard to be around him, he's that weird). Accordingly, people don't want to be around him. Recently, a guy in my girlfriend's social and business circle had four tickets to an invitation-only, exclusive concert with a well-known celebrity (charity event). Because he doesn't like the husband of our friend, he didn't want to invite him but did want to invite his wife and my girlfriend. He has no problem with me but since he was excluding the friend's husband he said he was limiting the invitation to those who he has a business connection with so he invited my girlfriend, her friend, and then a couple of other guys (for this particular instance I have no problem with the guys he invited, they are not threatening to me). So she went to this concert without me. I was mostly okay with that.Then, another event popped up - another friend of hers (a female who is married but her husband is never involved in anything) invited my girlfriend and her friend to an "adults-only pool party" at the local country club. She didn't want the friend's husband there either so she invited the girls only, saying it was an exclusive event and she could only bring two people. This bothered me a bit more because it was a pool party, adults only, my girlfriend there in her bikini looking great, but I'm not invited. However, I didn't say a thing or let on that it bothered me.Now, it's happening again. There is a work conference in a couple of weeks (historically, these conferences have been a bit scandalous with people going without their spouses or significant others and "hooking up" while there). While I will be there I have learned that the same guy who invited just the girls to the invitation-only concert has now invited just the girls to a boat party that is also "invitation only" and he supposedly only can invite two people because it's not his boat. So...once again I'm not invited but my girlfriend is invited to go spend the afternoon and evening on a yacht with a bunch of other people. (Note: there really is a business networking angle to this; the guy who is doing the inviting is a marketing guy for doctors and the events are all related to that job of his and my girlfriend and her friend are connected in that business sense, but it still bothers me). QUESTION: So my question is this: Should I tell her I don't want her to go on this boat excursion without me or just let it go? It seems kind of like that would be too controlling and/or that I will come off in a bad light not only to my girlfriend but to others as I'm sure the story will be that I "wouldn't let her go." But this really triggers my insecurities and anxieties because it's another event for which I'm not invited but my girlfriend and her friend are invited because of 1) the business connection, 2) they're very fun to be around, and 3) they're both very attractive.I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of, I'm not worried that she's going to go on the boat and get seduced or anything. Maybe my insecurity is that the more she's around other people like that without me and they're more free to be flirty with her (because I'm not there) that maybe she will start to become attracted to somebody. She does really enjoy being around "fun" people so I guess maybe I'm worried that she will meet a fun and flirty man who will charm her and over time she will begin to like that...Anyway, I would appreciate any legitimate, objective advice and/or input. I don't want anyone to tell me what they think I might want to hear, just objective opinions about whether I'm overthinking and worrying too much, letting my insecurities get out of control, etc., or if my concerns about this are justified and, if so, how to handle things?If you're still here, thanks for reading, I'd honestly appreciate any legitimate input.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): Typo corrections:
"The truth is, she's an attractive woman; and there is always the possibility of her meeting a flirty-guy...24/7!
"We men are social-opportunists, and a friendly attractive-person opens the door to many possibilities; until we are completely certain there are none, once we are put in our place."
"She's a big-girl, in a field of men; and she has been swimming with those sharks all along."
P.S.
It's not unusual for a man to feel the need to be protective, or "in-control;" for the sake of our own peace of mind. Unless she is constantly attending events without you; I don't see reason for your discomfort. You don't seem to trust her, after all these years.
You can't always tagalong like a puppy-dog when she's socializing at work-related events; or when there's only so many tickets, but the group thought of her. That's the price you pay for having an attractive and popular girlfriend.
If you were her husband, and everyone knew it; I think it would be hard for them to leave you out. If it truly bothers you, and she's so great of a girlfriend; then you shouldn't have any problem asking her to accept more social invitations that include a plus-one. She shouldn't have to keep reassuring you like a child. It's usually the women who get left-out; while their husbands are going on wives-not-included business trips, conventions, and stag parties.
Welcome to the 21st-century! It's been here for the last 21 years...where've you been???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): The truth is, is she's an attractive woman, and there is always the possibility of her meeting a flirty-guy...24/7! Any random time of day, at any given moment that could happen. What are you going to do, chain her up in your basement? BTW, Sir, that was a rhetorical question...not a suggestion!
Fear is mostly based on what "could" happen, not what definitely will happen. Jealousy and possessiveness has a way of constantly running scary scenarios through our brains. You can manufacture endless probabilities or possibilities in your mind; if you have a fertile imagination. It comes down to managing your insecurities, and building some reasonable amount of trust.
The lady has a 10-year record of faithfulness! You mention no slips or violations of trust, thus far!
Your girlfriend has a successful career, she has friends, and colleagues. You are not her spouse; so she is likely to be invited to many things that will not include you as a plus-one.
I was half of a 28-year long-term relationship. I've endured an endless number of times I was not included, for whatever reasons. I've had numerous invitations to parties and events I've accepted, and attended alone. I'm not ugly, nor was my partner. Both of us got hit-on by both men and women; though he was the more charismatic, audacious, and flirty one between the two of us. Regardless, I had to handle my insecurities in spite of it all. It was a 28-year relationship, may I remind you! We met when we were about 16!
In my domestic-partnership, with an attorney (now deceased); there were many political events, receptions, and parties I had to forgo, because of the political image of his very conservative and highly political law firm. They knew he was gay, but preferred he'd be discreet. As we were anyway, for our own reasons.
I've even endured a situation when my partner was flown to California in a private jet by a wealthy Native American client, to celebrate a big win of his case. The guy was super rich, single, and I had no way of knowing what his sexual-orientation was; or what his motives were, for flying my partner all the way to California for a party! He didn't invite any of the other attorneys! I didn't get a call to tell me he went, until he was there! At his estate! It was at the urging of his law firm that he should accept; they didn't want to lose this client by any means. Was I jealous? Hell yes!!! How many times did I have sit it out? Things changed eventually, of course; but sometimes you have to deal with it. It takes trust.
Nobody is responsible for your insecurities but you. You both agreed that you didn't want to get married again; so I presume there was a reason for that. We can't always control how people behave around us; and being friendly and civil is often taken out of context. It's a cross women must bear, when dealing with us menfolk. We men are social-opportunists, and a friendly attractive-person opens the door to many possibilities; until we certain there are none, once we are put in our place. The #Me Too Movement put the brakes on a lot of chauvinistic-shenanigan's. Apart from that, women know when to drop the hammer! She's a big=girl, in a field of men; and she has been swimming with those sharks all along. Now you decide you're uncomfortable about it?
If you feel uneasy about so many exclusive-invitations, just say so. I suggest you choose your battles, when you know many of the events are work-related. You also know she can handle herself in sticky situations. Maybe not exactly the way you want her to. She's not your puppet. You gave her such a great build-up in your post; but it makes no sense you'd tear it all down with distrust and insecurity. It's typical male territorial behavior. Like she's so weak-minded she'll get raped and dragged away by the hair; if you're not there to defend and protect her. Dude, for crying out-loud!
She's a woman of integrity, she's mature; and apparently, highly-intelligent. She knows how to handle herself in social situations. You may not like the hosts, but you know her. I suggest you let trust prevail in these situations; but let her know you'd like to be her plus-one now and again. If she is the great lady you've described in your post, I see no reason she wouldn't do anything and everything to put you at-ease. You're a very lucky guy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 July 2021):
 I don't think you can tell her - you can't go without me. BUT I do think you can tell her that you feel a little insecure when you are excluded from events. I would also tell her that you love and trust her and this is about YOUR insecurities.
I think being honest here is the key.
My thing is this, IF you think she might meet someone MORE "fun" than you and leave you, then that could happen at the grocery store or at work. It doesn't just happen at planned events.
The second thing I want to point out is, you SAY you trust her, but if you think... she can so "easily" be charmed and fall for someone else, then is that a little bit of lack of trust OR because you yourself think you are not good enough for her?
She IS with you. You two have been together for 10 years but is the reason it has lasted this long, the fact that you haven't cohabitated?
Personally, I understand how you feel. I think most people do. While it might not FEEL totally rational, I think it just doesn't feel good to be excluded from events where there is more than simple networking going on. I mean there are probably PLENTY of people who JUST network but there are definitely also people who go looking for "a little something-something".
You have to consider a few things here.
1. her personality. THIS is who she is. Friendly and outgoing - happy to meet new people and engage.
- this is one of the traits YOU fell for when you met, right?
2. She obviously works in an environment where networking is important and beneficial.
- does that mean she has to go to every event? Pool parties? No. That is up to her. She is fully capable of deciding if it's appropriate to go or not.
I think it's a little bit of a dumbass excuse to say YOU can't go because this other woman's husband is "persona non grata". I don't think it's hard to say THESE people are invited, these are not. You are all adults. They can give this lady (with the weirdo husband) an invite that does NOT include a +1. I can't see why ONE weird husband isn't included because he is weird, that no other husband can go. This isn't Kindergarten where you have to invite ALL the kids or none.
I think open dialogue is always important. And perhaps YOU need to have some hobbies on your own. Do you go to events without her? Ever? A football game or whatnot? Just you and some of your male friends? If not, I think it might do you good.
Partake when you can, and do things just the two of you when you can. And do things on your own (with your friends/coworkers).
I think it's good for couples to not be glued to the hip 24/7/365. There will be things to share and things to talk about.
If you really think you CAN trust her 100%, then learn to let go of the overthinking. SHUT the thoughts down when they pop up. It's not healthy for you, nor your relationship.
Because these are network/work-related events I don't think she is "acting" single. But I also feel she is not really trying "too" hard to get you included. Which is probably the only "red flag" I see.
Talk to her.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (31 July 2021):
 You are with a social butterfly so your thoughts and worries are (in my view) not entirely unexpected. I find it interesting that you state, quite confidently, that you know there is no cheating going on, yet you are still concerned she will meet someone who she finds more attractive and be tempted.
Are you perhaps regretting your decision not to remarry? Such decisions are not final. If you are having second thoughts, have a chat with her and see if she may also be having second thoughts. If so, put a ring on her finger with the intention of marrying when you eventually move in together (or whenever would appear appropriate).
Perhaps the key to this situation is to concentrate on making your relationship as happy and secure as it can be? Make lots of plans for the future and start putting as many in place as you can. Most of all, talk to each other. Tell her how you feel. Let her reassure you. But don't go overboard on it, otherwise she will end up feeling guilty about going out.
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