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anonymous
writes: Hi, i hope you can help me out of this absurd situation.i fell in love with a guy i work with in the same office, he is married, with two kids. out of guilt we both called it a very close friendship, then he called me his soul mate and then his everlasting love... we went from friends to lovers and very intimate. we have very similar likes and dislikes and over one hundred sms's are sent most days. its nearly one and a half years since i know him, and even tho there are very complicated issues, our good times together have been blissful.the complications are the fact that he is married, and he claims he loves his wife. because of our religion, he anyway would be unable to marry me, and he does not regret his decision to marry her, although if he could he would definatly leave her for me. he is 24 I am 20, his wife is 30. she is no great shakes, characterwise and appearancewise, and nor is he, but i fell in love with his character and warmth..he tells me explicitly about his marriage and is forever sending me emails of imaginary scenes of us living together etc etcI am not a very trusting person and at first was very doubtful about all of it...but i came to trust him very much and love him like i have never loved before.but i know there is no point in this relationship if he is taken and even tho its something i hold dearest, its pointless.only last week, after a very difficult heated argument, he made a decision that we will stop being lovers and start being friends. he claimed this was for me, so that i can start getting on with my life and he did this cos he loves me and cares... i was broken, cried and cried i couldnt fuction, i am still very shocked but i knew he wont cope without me, because he is very clingy, many times he is too clingy. and yes after all my tears and reasoning i said, fine you want this then give me my space, dont come visit dont bug me with your messages. he couldnt take that, he behaved so immature and said im ripping his heart out.Im so stuck now, i really do want to get out of this and start my own life with someone special but, its so hard because im still so attached, but have lost trust in him. i dont understand any of this. when i am with him, like yesterday, we were so happy together, i tried desperatly hard not to express any passionate feelings, he actually couldnt control himself and did express it. he also felt happier because he was in a state since that decision. I know that when im in a bad mood he gets into one and when im happy he is, so yesterday we were fine and when in the evening he didnt contact me for a good two hours i knew he is busy with his wife. it hurts but i know its not my business, i just feel so used and im trying so hard to understand and forgive and im not really gaining anything in return. i know that when we are not ok and were in a fight, he does not get hot and is very unhappy, so i know im the one that needs to keep him content so that he should be able to function normally and love his wife and get on with his work and day to day schedule... and so today, he is not coming to visit because he is busy, he is working from home, and i am alone in an empty office, and i once again have those mistrusting let down feelings which is painfull, but i know i have to keep him happy even tho im sad... where do i go from here????im sorry this is so long but i wanted to share details aswell... please give me some practical advice, what should be my next step.Many many thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): When I read this I came to realize no matter how my feeling are similar to others the blunder I made has not been committed by any one of those who penned already.I was in love or you can say friends with my ex husband for 10 years. We did all our schooling together and always intended to marry each other we were very close hours of chats telephone call and then he moved to different country and our loe was still growing over the net. We then met in England where we both came for education for two years every thing was there the only thing missing was sex and he was the one who had a laid back attitude and since we were Muslims he thought we would do it once we marry… I came back to my home country while he was still there. I started working and met a guy at work of different nationality and started liking him during out likeness and going out he got married and although I felt bad but I was ok with it as I was committed to the first guy.My and my co worker got really intimate and enjoyed with each other a lot. He always used to tell me he wanted to marry me and still wants to but due to family he could not and I was fine with it and we continues our friendship and sexual relationship.Now last year I got married to my long distance bf and I was ready to forget my colleague.But the disaster occurred when on the wedding night I came to know he was impotent. Oh my God that was a nightmare. I did not tell this to any one and tried to keep it to me till 3 months after marriage ultimately I gave up and told my family I gave this guy some time to fix hi problems but all in vain. Mean while my colleague he took full advantage of the situation and we started going out although I never told him the issue with my husband. The colleague of mine was now very much in love with me and started to push me to get divorced so that we can marry. Being a Muslim he could keep his wife and marry me as well and I appeared to be fine with it since he assured him every single second he does not love her and will leave her soon he is just waiting for his son to get 4 years old so he can legally take him. He used to swear at her infornt of me and told me I m the only one he loves and he is totally for me.I started loving him madly and was following him as if I was possessed on the other hand my husband did not want to lose me but it was just getting hard on one side I had my incomplete marriage and on other hand this guy was head over heals in love with me and ready to marry.I did every single thing for him made my husband look even worse than he was in front of every one in my family so that they can support me getting divorce. He was nice guy but the only thing he was lacking was sexual performance which I was getting from other guy. It not just sexual part I loved this guy he was stylish , sexy good looking fit and attractive and I loved his intelligence and they way he handled me and wanted to marry me as soon as possible so I did not want to lose him.While my court case of divorce was going on , me and my colleague were so much in love during this I tired not to hurt my ex husband and always keep in touch and make sure he was fine, he was always caring and in love with me and I always wished he was fit sexually. During this colleague used to push me to do things fast as he can not wait and I love it that he loves me this much he was looking for flats talked to my brother already made me talk to his mother all this assured me that he is serious about our marriage.Well finally the day came when we were about to sign divorce and I was just telling my colleague that we r going to do it and then we will marry.Then I get biggest shock of my life he Dumped me and said he can not continue.What a situation ??? now I could not go back to the ex husband as we reach the divorce stage plus any way he was not fit also he wanted to join his family coz he suffered a lot because of me and wanted to continue his life too.Now the problem is this colleague of mine I have to see him every day,, I cant stop thinking of him I was and am still too much I love with him I helped him like any thing financially ,, took care of him always ordered lunch for him we had some great moments together in car around work in bed we traveled once together I can not forge him.I cried I reminded him all this and I left my husband for him but he has no answer no reasons of leaving him but this it will not work he even did not fear god as he made me leave my husband although he was impotent but he never knew it. I might have tried to work medically with my husband but I did not as I had an option.I once got pregnant with colleague but got it terminated coz it was not the right time.I was ready to go against family I loved him like crazy took care of him when he was sick down n upset. Pampered him gifted him.I think how rude the guys are even if they fall out of love is this the kind of behavior they should adopt with a girl. AT least as a human he did not have courtesy to see that I m getting divorce which was also a set back and still because I had long term relation with my husband and loved him once. I am in late 20s and divorced and single and am love less. My ex husband calls and check on me if I am fine.Now I am in feeling of guilt because of my ex husband , I can not forget my boy friend till date I wana hate him but it does not come from heart coz I was not playing as he was.So friends I feel my story is the worst but after reading I realize the fact that men are mean if they just want to have fun why they don’t tell this.I cry , regret miss both of them. I wish there was any way to get him back or totally erase him from my mind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): WOW. Its all the same story just about. I thought our situation was special and unique...but...We all tend to believe we have met our soulmate. They all tell us to hang in there....they give us false hope...and most of if not all of the time they end it. Heres my story and ill try to make it short.
We are both pysicians, I am his resident, we were friends for a year first. We ended up over lunch telling eachother we had a crush...and the rest his history.
We have been together intimatly for a year and a half. He is 18 years older than me, with two young children.
A few months ago he told me he was ready and knew he was going to marry me and i didnt have to worry anymore. He even world call me by his last name. Looked at houses, ect. Then a week or two later he breaks up with me , and gets back together with me shortly after. He said he couldnt tell her yet, he wasnt ready, and couldnt imagine hurting his kids, but also cant imagine living with out me and "the longer we are together, the harder it will be for us to be apart" ect. and he just needs time to figure out how to do it.
Lately I can just tell things arent the same, and I feel like I am in prison, or having a nightmare. I cant break it off and I cant stay anymore either. I just feel like its ending, even though he denies it. I am starting to feel used, and hurt and mislead, false hope...ect. I dont understand this anymore. Sometimes I wish I would die.
I will keep yall posted....just wanted to share my story...by the way...it seems like all these men are just manipulative and selfish. I dont even think they realize how narcisstic and selfish they are even being. I almost dont even like him as a person anymore for how long he has let this keep going. It also completly baffles me that his wife doesnt know. His own daughter told his wife...i think dad is having an affair and she is only thirteen. She still isnt susicious...baffled....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): I don't know where I am going with this. All I know is that I am hurting and I just need to vent.I fell in love with a MM four years ago. I have known him for 5 years, I was, at one point, very good friends with his wife. But becuase we were such good friends, I tried never to show him ... NEVER. I never flirted, I never so much as told him how attractive I thought he was even on a friendly level, out of respect for his wife and our friendship.Then about 7 months ago .. this all started. Me and his wife were very close, and she started to have an affair. While he was at work, 14 hours a day 6 days a week, she was out with this other man (who also happened to be one of his friends). I also was friends with the man she was seeing on the side which made things very awkward and strange. I never said a word to him it was never my place to. Sometimes I am blindly loyal.Needless to say, a man can only go so long in denial. He knew how much time they were spending together, he was shattered and heart broken. It tore me up inside to see the man I love.. in such a state. The bomb dropped when his wife told me that this other guy had ask her to marry him, and that she she was considering leaving the marriage, that she no longer loved her husband *the man I was so in love with* It was only after this conversation with her, that I decided to tell him how I felt. I just wanted him to know it was going to be okay, and that he was loved and wanted and needed.I told him how I really felt, he was kind of floored * NEVER said a word about the proposal*. I didn't want him to think I was manpulating him in anyway, I loved him I knew if he knew ... it would just break him.We started spending even more time together. Talking all day everyday, in IM's while he was at work. He told me he loved me .. and we had this wonderful puesdoromance. He was loving, and kind.. and gentle. OUR relationship was never psychical.. EVER. But it was very intimate and touching. I never knew I was able to love in that way, he made me so happy. He was everything I had ever wanted ... and more.Well, his wife found out how much time we were spending together.. looking up our phone records, and even though she was considering marrying ANOTHER man ... became extremely angry.We talked about it, he said he needed time, and that I need to just leave him be. Which I did.A little over a month later I get a call from him ... him saying " I just wanted to talk to someone I know would be nice to me" which just broke my heart... We talked, we met, we joke and laughed .. it was like nothing had changed. We had dinner.I had missed him SO MUCH.and the cycle countiues like this ... ON and ON. I have never opened my mouth about the wife and her proposal.. but I know her and the other man still spend a great deal of time together. I feel it is not my place, that he must come to terms that she is not good for him on hiw own... you know? One moment I am the greatest thing in the world to him, and the next minute I don't even exist. I am sick of living like this .. but I love him so much, and I have made him such a large part of my life that I am not sure I can let him go.I think the same goes for him. He knows how upset she gets ... when we talk .. and yet he still calls me.. knowing she will look up the records.. still talks to me everyday .. he can't just let me go either ... and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.He is amazing, he really is but I just can't do this to myself anymore.My heart is breaking. Everytime I say I'm just going to let him go .. I do really well for a few days and then buckle... Please, someone, anyone tell me how to rid myself of this intermiable pain....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): The only reason I looked up affairs on the internet tonight is because I feel myself getting way past the point of desperation. I feel like I could kill myself because I'm deeply in love with a married man. he is 34 and I'm 22. I struggled with my attraction to him but it was like a runaway train. I admired his work ethic, his sense of humor and his genuine 'nice guy' personality. We have worked together for the last three and a half years and were just casual friends. Then we started flirting and it escalated into multiple daily phone calls and then finally physical relations. It's been nine months and it seems we are only getting stronger, he calls me at random times, or shows up saying he doesn't want to go home tonight, but I make him go anyway because I have something in common with his wife- love for him, and I know how hard it is to be separated from him. At first dealing with the guilt (and the wanting to be intimate with him again)was overwhelming but I suppressed it. And he avoided me for a good week after the first time but then he came back around, apologizing, saying he didn't know why he was doing this to his wife because she loves him. We still don't know why we're doing this to ourselves. It's so hard for me now, sometimes if I don't catch myself I start to cry in public thinking about him. I choke back tears sitting next to my friends or my mother whenever he crosses my mind. Every night I cry myself to sleep picturing him next to his wife, wondering if tonight is the night they will make love. I know he loves me, he shows me in so many ways... but I know he loves her as well or else he wouldn't have stayed with her for 15 years. Our relationship feels more about 'capturing a moment in time'. My feelings of love for him far overwhelm the feelings of guilt I experience because of the hell I'm sure his wife and kids would go through if they found out the truth. We have no fantasies about him leaving her for me. He always says he wishes things were different, I could never ask him to leave her. God, my own parents divorced because of my dad cheating. I swore I'd never repeat that cycle, but it creeps up on you, and the longer you stay in it the harder it is to recover from the hurt. He knows that one day I will go off and end this. I contemplate that day, knowing it comes closer and closer. It's for my sanity, my peace of mind and so that the memories we have will be untainted, as strange a choice of words as that may be. I don't know where to find strength, or solace. It makes me sad to think that he might forget about me, after all he doesn't really need me in his life, although he says it would never happen, that we'll always be friends.... I could never forget him. I don't think I'd want to anyhow. He's taught me that life isn't always fair, that you should guard your heart, make your choices wisely, and in making those choices- deal with the consequences. There has been a lot of judgement on the part of people who suspect we are in a relationship, and of course it's complicated, but I know, and he knows, in spite of the pain, there's a little bit of joy as well. I will miss him so much.
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reader, Mrs.Right  +, writes (30 July 2009):
Hi there I have not been here in a long time, is neat to read what I wrote back in Jan. ..I am not sure if anyone else feels this way, maybe it is denial, but I am not able to read what you are writing...I read mine to see where I was at in life then compared to now...BUT is it fear of the truth??..it really hurts me deep when I read all the stuff about how bad it is to be with MM..and how you are second..etc. etc. it gets me so down..I wanna read what you wrote but ever since Jan. I have not had the courage...anyone else feel this way??..if you are reading this guess not...but maybe at one time you were and are not afraid now...any advice??...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I met my partner three years ago, he is married, we have an amazing relationship, but it is not sexual, he is impotent. Its purely emotional.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Hi Ive been here done this several times i guess what we all have to look at is why do we do this to our selfs for me i like the fact hes not going want me full time to start with have my own space etc, but then when the love kicks in (which it always does girls we always fall for the wrong ones) i want him to be with me and lets face it these guys arnt looking for that there looking to have there cake and eat it does any married man ever really leave there wifes for the mistress if they have kids there always attached to the wifes forever and ask yourself are u women enough to stop him straying after all he cheated with you whats says he wont do the same to you you have to remeber all the times he cant spend with you christmas day birthdays valentines day holidays all these are the times he should be with you but he cant cause hes married have you ever kept picking your mobile up to check it works because he hasnt rung u and u cant ring him incase hes with her the term out of site out of mind comes in for me these guys love us until they think we are geting to close to there other world then they have a knack of feeling guilty doesnt matter they been playing away for months years even sometimes they suddenly have the guilt thing. girls if we didnt let these guys use us which is what there doing we are mearly a distraction until life in there other world picks up or until another mistress blinded by his frim thighs comes along. Now dont get me wrong theres women out there like this too some who love the chase but dont want the other stuff that goes with it me ive been on the other end too my ex hubbie add an affair i found out (as wifes always do) i di for a time think it was my fault cause he let me believe it was me not doing the things he wanted not loosing weight quick enough you know after a time of beating myself up i suddenly realised it wasnt my fault he was the one with the problem and now i think if someones going cheat they will no matter how good a wife you are may be its in there souls or may be we arnt ment to be with one person forever and ever lets face it girls we wont die from a broken heart so my advice to you hunni is do your crying to love songs grief for the loss of love you thought u add but rember he may have freeded you up for your night in shinning armour to sweep you off your feet lippy on girl and look at the world with open eyes they arnt all the same the guy who wants to love you and only you may be just round the corner be happy is the best way to pay him back x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): I have recently broken it off with a married man.. i waited on him hand and foot did every last thing he wanted me to do .followed his every command came bak and forth to his house (he works states away from his home)..around 10,000 miles from sept. to april to be with him then bak home 2 my son i didnt want to loose connection with.. but in a way did.. it took me realizing my son hadnt really had his mom home for 1 1/2 years..but as a visitor it seemed..it was looking into my sons eyes and thinking of all the nite i wasnt there to tuck him in as i had done since birth to his 8 years of age and now hes nine and hes asking me to please stay home im seeing the insecurity the fear in his eyes of loosing me i see the scars i have put in his heart and mind..and i chose my son..the married man told me he was single i found out after falling in love mths later he was married but he lied an said he was divorcing..he was rude speaking to my son so i left my son at home with his 30 year old daughter raising him.. how had i forgotten he was a blessing sent from heaven how had i misplaced my role . the married mans lies kept me reeling..telling me someday we would all b a family . inoticed the months slipping into a year then year and half.. my mind constantly fighting between his lies and my own common sense..the married man confessed his neverending love.. held me in his arms.. even as she (his wife) called.. hung up the phone and said u are my wife not her.. then said my name with his name on the end of it.again and again .. and made me repeat the same to him..then he started hiding his phone.. or not letting me touch it .. hed get calls and walk away..it wasnt his wife he was cheating with any woman who he could get a number from.. telling them the same that he was not married and that he was only with me because i was dieing of cancer or that i only came to borrow money he was such a marter helping this poor pitiful woman out..lol.. idont have cancer that i know of hope not ..and i wasnt with him for money..he knew this because i got behind on every bill at my house bak home and he didnt care long as he was taking care of him and his...to make a long story short i called all the womens numbers and they gave me the info above.. i then called his wife and told her..shes an alcoholic that loves him.. he drove her over the 20 some years of marriage cheating and beating on her .. she said she wasnt mad at me.. i asked her not to tell the kids. but she got drunk and told them about it.. now im feeling so hurt because i told her and the children that its hard to explain but they also became mine talking with him about them for all that time..they are older children.. but it hurts still the same i pray for 4giveness and for god to ease their pain.. then i look into my sons eyes and i think of all the pain that he has been inflickted with and i thank god i got out of that relationship in what ever way i thought it had 2 be done..we have bonded again my son trusts me to be there every day and to never let him down again.. and i WONT!!!!!!!!!i will never know if calling the wife was right or wrong..but what i do know is i made it so i could never b bak with the manipulative drunken lier again..and i know my next relationship will be hard to trust him.. and i have to watch closely so i dont interact the last horrible one with a good one.. if the good one doesnt call me for hours or whatever i have to know hes not sleeping with whomever he can find in the meantime. and its gonna be hard to re establish that learned behavior into a positive growing trusting one so i can have a "real" relationship but i gotta do it.. God will show me the way and he will put me on the path to righteousness no more do i have to lay there and feel dirty and stupid for being with a married man who is lieing through his teeth....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): It is so painful for me to admit that I am having an affair with a married man, and that I am in love with him. But it's true. I thought I was alone until I saw this website. I am going through my own version of the same hell that is being described here a hundredfold. I empathize so much with you ladies, and the more I read, the more disgusted I feel about him. I did a Google search in desperation, to see how many others are suffering like this. It is truly appalling. Please see my latest email to him (and help me to begin the process of breaking it off, I know I need to):
I am terrified, once again, of hitting the send button. I am going to caveat the following email with this statement: I am not trying to make everything about me. I am trying to tell you (and have been trying to tell you) that I am really suffering with a legitimate problem. This is at the forefront of my mind. Not small talk. Not the weather. Not the rain. Not the little happy fun facts that we both live in because we both have strange, bizarre lives. It is this.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a nice email. I do appreciate it.
Having said that, I am feeling scared (again) of telling you how I am really feeling inside. I read your email yesterday and I didn't want to respond. I am afraid that I have also been envisioning our reunion, but it's not as rosey as how you describe it. I was looking forward to this email from you, because last week you said you would respond to the fact that I am deeply hurting.
Instead, you told me about how relaxed you were all week. I am glad you were relaxed, and I am very glad you rescued two little dogs, but I can't help but wonder if you have forgotten that I have been on edge. More than that. I've been crying myself to sleep every night for the last four weeks. Remember? You told me you aren't rejecting me, which is the root of all my insecurities and fears, but your below email felt like a form of rejection! I hate to say that, because I know you wrote very lovingly, but I can't deny it either.
And it's not the distance. It's not the fact that you need space and your own life. It's not even the marriage alone. It's the fact that you treat me like I don't exist, and you hide me like I am a problem. Am I a problem? You have created a secret email account for 'us', because why again? And I am supposed to think that is brilliant?
I really thought you would encourage me yesterday. You used to respond fully to me. You used to make me feel like you cared about my feelings.
Lately it seems like you half-respond, but ignore certain other things that I say. Example: when I told you that I didn't like it that you changed my name and are now hiding my emails. You didn't respond one word to that. Are you purposefully ignoring me, and trying to push me into your world of blissful hiding and ignoring reality?
I WON'T DO THAT. THAT IS NOT ME.
I truly do love you, and that is the only reason I have remained with you. But I am hurting, hurting, hurting. I literally cry myself to sleep every night. I think about you being in bed with your wife and I wonder, is tonight the night they have sex?
But I could even deal with that, I think, if that's what you SERIOUSLY wanted with your life. But that would only be if I knew that you were living your life honestly, and that OUR relationship wasn't being kept a lie, under the rug. It makes me feel like a complete monster. Are you ashamed of us? Are you embarrassed to have me in your life? What exactly makes you so scared that you change my name and hide my emails? How can you say you love me when you would rather have me walk away than tell the truth?
This is killing me. I feel as though I have changed from a woman you love to......?? I don't even know what. Somebody that satisfies something you need, I guess. I see you (the man I love more than any other person) as someone who has positioned himself at the center of the universe, manipulating everyone in his life to get all the things he wants. And you hide behind a shroud of humility by saying it's not about you. But it is. You deceive and hide the REAL you from everyone so that you can have everything......and how am I any different? Are you REALLY real with me? Do you REALLY tell me the truth? I know you hide things from me to, because you don't talk about how you are feeling when you are with your wife, you don't actually talk about her at all. What's worse, I know you are intimate with her.
Do you love her but pretend not to in front of me? Do you love me and pretend not to in front of her? Oh....right....I DONT EXIST, so you don't have to pretend not to love me....you obviously have no idea how much it hurts not to exist. Try to imagine it.
This is breaking my heart. And you keep hiding.
I am so ashamed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Can understand how difficult it is to get over. I am in a similar situation. Met him several years ago through my work and he invited me for a drive. I was young and he was my first so called DATE! He never said he was married or attached and despite him being a very very ordinary looking guy I made the mistake of falling in love. By the time he told me it was too late as I cared. Still did not want to upset his life, I left the country and took up a job overseas. He followed me came to see me several times and though we never became physically intimate, it was very very special. I felt a guilt always knowing that I will never like if my husband did that hence kept moving to far off places and lost myself in my work. Never could get over him and could never love anyone else. 23 years later he came back in my life - nothing has changed in his life and took me no time in falling in love with him again. He is the only relationship I have ever had. Don't want to do anything to damage his life, his family, his reputation and yet I feel I just let the life pass by me. Open yourself to other people, other relationships because even if he leaves his wife and family and starts a life with you, the feeling of guilt will never leave you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): Hey
girl om going through the same thing your goint through, i need help too. i got to a point right now that im hurting really bad deep down inside and right now he still want to be in my life.maybe we both can help eachother get throughh this, The only person i can turn to is GOD. i never thought i would put myslef in this suitutaion. NOW look what i have done.Everying you said in you writing i felt it cause i'm going through it. so when you get this please write back
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): Never in my life would I have imagined getting involved with a married man, but it happened.At 18 I was engaged to this wonderful young man from my church, but he ended up going into the military and met someone else and broke our engagement. I ended up with someone who was the "rebound guy." Got pregnant by him and married him after only knowing him for 6 months. I never really loved him but married him for financial support and to help raise the child. We were married for 25 years and had three children. I was miserable the whole marriage but stayed until all the kids were grown. I had just been sperated from my husband for about 7 months when I met my former fiancee at a work conference. Come to find out he worked at another location for the same organization. I had no idea that he was even living near me now as I had moved far away from where we lived when we were engaged.We spent some time that evening catching up on our lives. I told him how miserable I had been in my marriage and that I had never truly gotten over him. He told me that his marriage was on the rocks too and that he was wanting to leave his wife but was difficult because they have two teenage sons. He told me he had always loved me too and that leaving me for the other girl was a huge mistake. After that, we had no contact with each other until another conference that I ended up attending in the city in which he lives. We managed to have lunch together with a group of co-workers and after that, we started emailing and confiding in each other and like everyone else decided that we were soul mates. I told this man stuff that I have never told anyone, not even my husband or closest friends or family members. He is the only person I ever felt comfortable with to tell these things to.He lives about three hours away. On occassion, his job brought him within an hour or so of where I lived, so we would meet and have dinners and then of course it ended up that I would meet him at his hotel. Many nights we just layed together and held each other without having sex. Then one night after three hours of kissing and holding we ended up making love. We both feel horrible about it but can't seem to stay away from each other, though we have not had sex again. We email and chat everyday. He says he is trying to figure out a way to leave his wife. She knows about us but insist she wants to stay with him anyway and make the marriage work. He doesn't love her but feels obligated to try and make it work. He has given it several months and insists they are no longer sleeping together and that he doesn't love her, but he can't financially afford to leave. Her sister will be moving in with them soon and will be paying rent. He assures me once that happens he will be able to leave. Then he will change his mind and say he thinks he needs to give it more time. He seems to be confused as to what he wants. I distanced myself from him for awhile so he could make up his mind. He tells me he is sure he wants to leave but seems to come up with excuses why he can't. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't want to lose him again like I did so many years ago. I can't believe he would be brought back into my life after all these years just to be taken away again. However, I am tired of waiting for him to get the nerve to leave his wife. He says he wants her "permission" to leave. He is a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt her. She won't give permission and he can't make himself just walk out.So, here I sit waiting and wondering if he will ever follow through. My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks and I am wondering if I shouldn't just give up and move on, but I love him so much that I can't imagine my life with anyone but him. Never, ever, did I think I would be in a situation like this, so I feel for all of the women who have posted on this site. I too never imagined there were so many women dealing with this same problem. Reading the postings has helped tremendously.And to those who have posted nasty comments about us, you have no idea until you are in the situation yourself. No one ever intentionally sets out to fall in love with a married man.
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reader, Barbi69  +, writes (22 April 2009):
Thank you for your support. Appart from my life tragedy (being pregnant, in love and left on my own) there is question on my mind: how could he have done it to me? Would any of you be telling pregnant woman about deep love, assuring about good future and suddenly cut off all contact?
He went home probably argued with his wife, by now everything is ok and left me with hope getting away with all damage he done.
It hurts; he shouldn`t be getting away with it; its so unfair.
I am really suffering, I am 3months pregnant, I have very low income, poore health not to mention that I am crying constantly and he is happy home. How could he?
I fancy some kind revange but I guess there is nothing I can do.
I haven`t decide about baby yet; its braking my heart into smaller pieces.
Its a life tragedy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): Barbi69- Thing is he made a decision to walk away from you. Seems to me that this is his final decision and there's no turning back for him. Telling you to get an abortion is a surefire sign of this. The baby links him to you and he wants to sever all ties with you. The fact is he wants nothing more to do with you. Actions speak louder than words and if nothing has happened in terms of him contacting you to say anything other than "get an abortion", than truth be told he has decided to subtract you from his life.In terms of the baby, you have to think about what is best for you. This is about you now. Having the baby is not something that will bring a man back if he has decided wholeheartedly to walk away for good. I wouldnt say get an abortion or do not get an abortion. Be aware of this though: Don't lose sight of the job as a fulltime mother-the responsibilities of bringing a life into this world by focusing so much and gambling on the chance of using the baby once he/she is born as "collateral" for him to come back to be with you. Let's say he doesn't come back after you do have the child, now what?Don't play around with what-ifs, girlfriend. Look at the facts.Maybe he did love you and he did care for you. And if he really did love you, turning you away may have been as painful for him as it is now for you. Men are wired differently than us. They don't like to explain their feelings to us, they don't like to justify their behaviors with us so that in the end we can come to terms with what happened, find some closure, and be at peace with it. Men just don't like to talk about things like that because believe it or not it is actually harder for them to talk about it and deal with it than it is for us.If he loved you maybe completely cutting ties with you was his own way of dealing with it...dealing with how he had to let it all go with you because he had to choose between you or his wife. I know it hurts but you have to accept that it is what it is...I don't know how long you have been seeing him but if it has been awhile and he wanted to instead be with you than he would have chosen you.On the bigger picture when he said he'd be a part time father,in the end, honestly, is that something that you could be willing to accept? Could you accept him as only a part time lover and father to your child? A child and the mother of the man's own bearing deserves better than that. Also if he could cheat on his wife than he could most definately cheat on you as well if you ended up together.Love is never easy and to fall in love is to risk, and this situation has brought you into a dark spot in your life. I know its hard but you need to find the strength to accept the hard, unfair facts that this situation has brought, tuck it away, and look for tomorrow. Deep down you know what you need to do to feel better in peace of mind for tomorrow. Letting go is never easy but it can be done. Time is the ultimate healer. This is about you so do yourself a favor and remove all thoughts and other aspects relating to him away from your life. Think about others that you may meet tomorrow, next week, next month...the one that will give you the good you deserve. If you live in the past you will miss everything from the future that comes right past you. By analogy letting go is like bungee jumping. You're afraid to do it which may lead you to not want to do it. But once you do let go from the edge, everything just falls into place, and in the end everything is ok.
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reader, Barbi69 +, writes (21 April 2009):
thanx for your answer. The problem is that I am pregnant with MM. After he left me 1month ago all I got was one phone call saying `have abortion`. I love this man deeply, he is love of my life. to be honest i hope that if I had a baby with him he would come back to me one day.I can`t funcion anymore; I feel like I`ve died one month ago, its not getting any better with time, it hurts more every day, he is on my mind; I can`t stop thinking about him and asking myself why he done it to me. I know that he loved me and he used to say that love wont go away easly, that love will always find a way, that I was special to him; so why? what happend? I know that his why found out, but why he can`t call me and talk to me; he used to care so much about my feelings and now suddenly cut off all contact. What should I do? Should I have abortion and loose any chance to see him? He was saying that he would help me when baby is born, that he will be `part time` dad and after he went home (he lives in US) everything has changed. Doesn`t he care about me anymore? My life doesn`t make sense anymore; I wish it ends today; this man was everything to me.PLEASE, PLEASE HELP
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reader, maivtsu  +, writes (21 April 2009):
Barbi69-this is to you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I'm even more sorry to hear that you have became a victim of such that the mind-boggling circumstance has cut you down to the very soul to where you cannot function. We woman have all been there in emotional distraught over an ended relationship be that with a married man or not. Good things don't last. It never does:..."So Eden sank to grief, so dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay"-Robert Frost.
All we have left are stinkin' memories. But we have promises to the future for new men to enter into our lives. They always come like a knight in shining armor. They come to us, they sweep us off our feet, give us burning desires. Some don't make it along the way with you...But dont give up yet. It's only a matter of time before that right one comes for you.
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reader, maivtsu +, writes (21 April 2009):
It takes a strong person to walk away from a situation like this. To be brutally honest, you walked yourself into unforgiving territory, and broke the moral code of what's right. You said you were religious and being religious requires doing what's right that comes from both the combination of what's in your head and what's in your heart. You followed what your heart wanted; What it wants may not always necessary be the right thing--in this case--and you neglected to use your head. I say this situation is unforgiving because the consequences and now what you have to endure are unforgiving. The magnitude of the emotional trauma that it will do can't possibly be fathomed as it is dependant upon how deep it has gotton. Based on what you have said, it may take a long time to become "ok" and move on. It is what it is...it will never be like how you want it to be. The longer you prolong this and not walk away, the more this will be painful. SO DO IT NOW. Make that decsion to walk away, sever the ties and stop torturing yourself. It hurts to but it's only going to be worse if you play on the false pretense that one day you and him may just be together. Look at the reality--here are the facts: He is married and does not plan to leave his wife
therefore there will never be a future between you and him. You love him but he cannot commit to you. It hurts you when he is with his wife when you want him to be with you...Y'see? it will never be. Sometimes when you get caught up in the middle of it all, it is hard to think outside the box and see the facts for yourself. Throw in the towel sista and have the courage to walk away. Good luck
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reader, Barbi69 +, writes (20 April 2009):
I`ve been dumped one month ago by MM because his wife found out. He was my everything; my friend, my lover; all my world. I am pregnant by him. All I got was one phone call from him saying just `have abortion` and one from his wife saying that I made him better person and that now he appreciates her. I can`t copy with it. Endless tears are falling, down, my heart is broken, I feel empy, hopeless. I am looking at his profile on social network hoping that he will come to town one day for buissnes(he is 5000miles away!) and I`ll meet him; he used to come here twice a month. Today I sow that he changed his plans and wont come to UK anymore; it was like he stub me in my heart.
I didn`t go to work, I didn`t eat; I don`t feel anything appart from sadness which is killing me. Few days ago I tried to end my life.
Please help me, I can`t copy, I`ll never get over him. I want him to call me, to tell me that he is missing me, that I am his angel as he used to say. I love him so much, I can`t live without his love. I know that he loved me; what happend, why he doesn`t call me? Why he doesn`t care about me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hi I am also in love with a married man. This is the first time I looked at a married man website and this is the first time I told anyone about this relationship. IT has gone on 4 years. I'm smarter than this. Just stuck. My husband and I are separated just can't go through two breakups I don't think. I will be back to check any responses in a day or two. Fridays kinda suck at work as my MM is thinking about his weekend. I really don't want to look like I cried tonight tomorrow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): Hi, I am also in very bad situation. I am in love in MM with two kids. He is senior to me with 14 years. I have three kids and i just left my husband. My situation is evan worse. I am financially tied with this guy. Without his monthly support i would not be able to rent a flat and be on my own. He has organised me an other job and more money also for the future. All he says is that i am his first affair in 25 years, he loves me like crazy and he will never let me go. But he also loves his wife. I am very highly educated and so is he. His wife is and always has been a housewife whose life's mission has been to serve his husband. He was obsessed with me two years and then i opened my heart for him and now we have been together nearly every week for a year. We live in different countries and speak different languages (our common language is english which is not our first language). The more time passes through the more i am sad. And i dont know if it is something special that we have or is it all the same. Should i stop it or should i continue. If i stop it then how on earth i continue financially, i would need to go back to my husband which i dont want to do. I have a good job but its not enought to bring up three kids alone. All i know is that i dont deserve this, i dont want to be a lover.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): my mm has also broken up with me for last almost 2 months.and now its a mental torture for me when i face him at my work place.he is so unaffected.and he seems very normal.it pains me a lot.now i really feel shame on me that i trusted him so much and what has he done.actually i refused to get physical with him .it clearly shows that what his actual desire was.he gave his best to me when he started flirting with me.and how stupid i was that i beleive him so much.anyways its a lesson for me.i got my punishment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): Finally I broke communication for good and this time since I told him that he was the one who was with a spouse and not I, not once has he tried to get back in touch with me because I think I hurt his ego and I also hurt his wife who saw my messages where I said I hated her. Actually I cannot say anything about her, I do not even know how much she knows. But it shows how easy it is for him to drop me. Makes me cry still...but now its not as bad and not everyday. Only on some. I agree , its better to be sad and alone than to be sad with someone who is so callous that it hurts even more to know that you are nothing to him but a break from his monotonous life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I to just had a relationship end with a MM. He was 15 yrs older then me and told me to keep waiting "Hang in there..". I did for 2 1/2 years. Then out of the blue he is the one that ends it. Came over one day, yelled at me, said "I never told you I was divorcing my wife..." and "you should of known better then date a married man". Told me he never loved me, blah, blah, blah. Called me twice since, but just to say quickly he will call me later. Figured he did that to make sure I don't call his wife.
Its been 3 weeks now, I cried everyday. Thought I was going to have a breakdown. Then I think "Why did I do that". I am younger then him, make more money, and he is not much to look at. Sex wasn't even that great. He wife doesnt work due to being overweight and having back problems. And all we did was see each other on weekends, have sex, and I waited on him. Maybe its a ego thing; I broke up with him several times, but always took him back believing his promises. Then he breaks up with me. I'm dumb founded I guess. Maybe he got caught, I don't know.
I still cry, still hurts, but eases everyday. He came in my life when I had been alone for 3 years and I guess I was lonely. I look back now though; I'm sad now, very sad. But I was also sad with him. I cried when I was with him. I was angry and confused when I was with him.
Sometimes its better to be sad and alone then with someone and still feel sad and alone. I can feel that way by myself thank you.
I just needed to vent. I'm tired of crying over someone who was as callous as him. It is my karma coming back to me; but I have shut that door so hopefully good luck will find me real fast.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): very true,they are shameless guys who have no respect for any moral value.they just know only how to ditch young innocent girls.they know very well how to take advantage and play with emotions and feelings of someone.they can fall to any level for that.Be strong and dont ever show them that we are so affected by this.just think that we have done something wrong in our previous birth that our heart is broken by such bastards.it was our punishment nad now the bad part of our life is over.thaeir part in our story is over.they are dead for us.we are worth much much more.have faith in god.if he is giving us some pain then he also gives us strenth to bear it.so that we can become more strong and can handle our life more seriously and with lot of caution.we should set some standards for ourselves that now we ll not trust such bastards anymore.God Bless you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): I know that feeling and trust me...I am speaking from experience..it's been 3 months since I broke contact with the MM I was in love with...and I think its really important to be very strong during the initial period...and ensure you don't lapse into it again....One of my friend suggested this and it worked for me...Think that you are undergoing Chemotherapy.....Just live through the pain, taking each day at a time...it will get better with time....
I know how difficult it is and I know how heartless MM can be..and it's true that they are the ones who initiate interest and the reason is simple...
They are secure because they have a wife at home to go back to. They would not dare to flirt like this or have the confidence to be so charming when they were single..which was the reason they end up with wives who are losers like them....
The MM I loved was married to a Thai woman...I am not sure what she is like but surely she may have married him for economic security alone and not for love....It is not to blame her because she was dependent on him..but in a way he took advantage of her economically inferior situation...
I have never posted an answer on such a site before but it was by reading such articles during this phase of my life that I was able to get out of it....Trust me dear friends I want all of you who have been in such a terrible situation to benefit and have faith that you can come out of it...
A woman's heart is so tender and precious..it's not worth allowing such shallow men to trample over it.....Save it for a man who really deserves it....
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): yes..but you know what is disturbing me a lot is he is so unaffected and normal as if nothing happens to him.he laughs loud,talking everywhere.as if i have done something wrong .seriosly when i see him behaving like this .i really feel to slap him .look what kind of people are existing in this world.person who used to swear on god to convince me.nowadays changed completly.i hate myself for being so stupid before.how could i trust such a shameless person who doesnt have heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I am so sorry to know what you are going through, but I am exactly in the same situation as you are so I can understand what you are going through. I just think that we know eventually we have to move on, and it is very hard yet it’s something we have to do so the only thing we can do is prepare ourselves mentally and hopefully we will get through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): reply to Freya70,i totally agree with you.that its always MM who start an affair.girls are just emotional they think that whatever this man is saying its all truth.they dont have any intention to break anyones marriage.but wrong person is that who gives false hopes to all innocent young girls.definition of love is totally different for them and girls.For Girls it is a very pure and most beautiful thing ever happened in their life.But for MMs,Love is only Lust.I do have full sympathy with their wives too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): if i would have been a bitch with him then i wud have got physical with him in very initial stages .he was ready to ditch his wife i never allowed him to do so.neither i had any intentions to do soo. i was just got emotional with him ,nothing more.it seems that you have so much sympathy to these kind of men who knows very well how to use an innocent young girl who are emotional by heart.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (19 February 2009):
 This is a reply to flicka 23...it's your oppinion and you're entitled to it but before you get so over judgemental maybe you should ask yourself whether it is us....is it us that should leave them alone(it's usually the married man who starts the affair)or is it that all MM should be true to their marital vows in the first place?If they don't care about them....that has nothing to do with me.You can't choose who you fall in love with...but you can choose what to do in a situation like this.I chose me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I am also going through the similar experience these days.seriously these MM are bloody selfish.they can cross all limits to convince you .ultimately they only want to use us,nothing else.he said so may lies to me .he used God also to make me sure that how much he loves me. i dont trust people very easily .but i just got trapped in his false statements .and 3 months ago ,he left me all alone in tears because i refused to get physical with him.i was about to finish it myself.then i found so many articles on net and now really feeling much better. those are shameless guys.
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reader, flicka23  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 I read your story and a couple of other stories. You are all complaining how your married man has been a bastard to you but why don't you think how you have been a bitch to the wife. Have you ever thought of your married man's wife? Maybe you are suffering for a purpose, to learn to leave aside married man who has made marital vows to another woman.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (14 February 2009):
Hm, un update...
After a deliriously painful Christmas and New Year's Eve my MM and I met again.Not a word why he hadn't tried to contact me in 3 weeks...he said not to push him because HE is the one that has to decide...Hello?What about me?
Do I count for anything?
I left for a holiday on January 12.Not a word from him in all this time.Seems obvious he made up his mind.
He just forgot to tell me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Oh hon. You have to find another job. DON'T TELL HIM YOU ARE LOOKING either. He will sabotage it. 2: By being nice and loving you are ENABLING him to stay married. YOU make his boring home-life tolerable. Notice, none of that is about YOU... it's all about him isn't it. Thats the way of lying using married men hon. If you can't find another job right away due to this economy, find another boyfriend. Quick. It will ease the transition. 3: Don't count on it that YOU are the only one. He SAID he was working from home the day you wrote this question. My first thought, was he got extremely uncomfortable with all the loving closeness with you the night before... and had to distance himself. So. I would bet that he didn't spend the day with his WIFE, I bet he was with yet someone else. Sorry to sound so harsh honey, but that is what these men do. They are the "dance-away" lovers. Close, then far. Repeat. Hot, then cold, Repeat. He is emotionally unavailable. By having two women, it keeps him from truly having to give his entire self to ONE. He is VERY comfortable in this. Find a way out, you don't even have to tell him. Find a new job in secret, find a new boyfriend, find a new apartment and don't tell him where. Escape. There is NOTHING but heartache in this for you honey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): It is amazing that we all have very very similar stories! I dumped my "unavailable man" a few days ago; but since I've already done that about a dozen times in 4 yrs I really wasn't sure I could stick to the plan. UNTIL... I read some of your experiences. All along, for FOUR years I have held the belief that if he would "just leave her" or "just get his own place" or "just move out" to somewhere, anywhere (!) then we would gradually mesh into each other's lives - eventually end up living together ({sympathetically "giving him TIME" you know (gag me lol)}, and maybe (hopefully) end up married. But OMG! I never once considered that he might do to me what some of your men have done you. But it is likely. Because these men are BIG CHICKENS. As in.... once he's "out"... he might go back to her. OR still see her.... or allow "her" to come over to his place. Wow. I had believed his new digs would be "our" sanctuary. I'm pretty naive huh? lol. So. That did it for me. To KNOW that the magic of him "leaving her" might not really mean he is going to stay away from her, or move me in with him, or he move in with me, or yes, marry me. Wow! THAT is one more humiliation which I cannot stand to risk. I now see, that it could very well happen that way. So sad. I am in my 50's. Age has no restriction on hopeful stupidity. I went into menopause during this tumultuous 4 years, I got wrinked, I feel I wasted the last best years of my nice appearance. Please don't do that to yourself. When you get over 50 you begin worrying about retirement. Guess what, either his wife will get a part of his or he doesn't have one. Seems men unable to commit also do not plan very well for retirement. Its their ability to deny reality. Most men end up having a higher income than women and paying more into social security. But if he never marries you, you are on your own. No widows benefit for you after he is gone either. Time is wasting, don't waste your youth. Life can be short.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Fantastic responses here. I, like the rest, have fallen for an emotionally unavailable man. We girls are all one. Take the support here and use it to help free yourself. NOW! (i know it's hard). In my search for this site I happened upon a British site that is wonderful. Full of humor and snappy insight. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk This gal knows us inside and out, and how we are meshing our own foibles with the man's. EUM means Emotionally Unavailable Man. By keeping himself married.... he is keeping himself from being truly emotionally attached to ANY woman. Even you. Think about it. Best Wishes girls, we need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): I do find it very amusing that many women are in the same situations as myself. - Good luck you all in finding the love you all deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): Hi there.. I wrote my story on 16th November 2008.. Just a newsflash update... My married guy finally left to join his family.. I heard nothing for weeks then he rang and reeled me back in with his I will always love you, miss you, we will always be best friends propaganda.. This all just happened when I was just about healed and all accepting that he had done the right thing and all the rest.. So he continued sending me messages here and there saying when he comes back he wants to meet up.. I told him I don't think its a good idea and stuff.. anyway to get to the point he returns and the day after his return I am expecting him to call or message.. he does and sends me a really rude message.. saying don't ring me or text me ever again I'm changing my numbers I don't want to hear from you ever again.. It really threw me because all along I had always been supportive of him doing the right thing by his family... saying we shouldn't be in contact and stuff and he was the one pushing for it.. I mean don't get me wrong this has worked out for the best for me and has enabled me to move on. Why I am writing this is to show that I honestly believed with all my heart I was someone really special to him.. that we had a connection.. we were the love of each others lives and all the rest, but due to the circumstances we would never be together. Then in the blink of an eye for whatever reason I just got kicked to the kerb.. I just want to say this to warn you girls that while you think your so special to these guys.. your not.. If something goes down between them and their wives your going to get dropped like a stone.. Their loyalties are not going to be with you otherwise.. they'd be with you.. So just try to prepare your mind and expect for that day to come. One day their wives are going to get close to catching them and their going to make that call.. What means more to me? And you'll be the loser.. So don't let it come to that.. Don't wait till you become the loser.. When it happens you'll feel very foolish and degraded and regret not making the stand sooner, you either want to be with me or you don't? If they don't just walk away..
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): To the anonymous reader dated 10 January 2009. I about laughed out loud when I saw your entry and situation not because I think you are an idiot but because my situation right now is almost identical to yours. I am 30 and my MM is 33 years my senior. We also met at work started e-mailing about work and then texting. I mean I could have have been you and vice versa. He also tells me he loves me to eternity and that he is unhappy with his wife but is only staying for the children although the youngest is a junior in high school and the other 2 are out of the house. I finally gave him an ultimatum last week. He promised to talk to his son and then went back on his words last night. I ended everything and told him I do not want to have anything to do with him anymore. This morning he had the nerve to send me an e-mail saying he loves me to etenity and will always love me. I told him to stop spouting lies and to never e-mail, call or text me. It felt good. I also went ahead and sent his wife e-mails he had sent me and told her to pull up txt messaging records or I could forward them to her if she wanted. I am doing anything I can to make it as final as I can. It feels good that I hvae control of my life again. I really really hate him and myself for being so stupid before. Ladies out there, these MM are selfish bastards who is only concerned about me, myself and I. Everything they tell you are lies to get what they want. gather the stregth and break the cycle of self destruction. You are worth so much more than what these bastards can ever hope to give you.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (12 January 2009):
Mrs Right,
it wasn't my intention to hurt or offend you but to make you think and consider your options.
The reason why I'm here...is just the same as yours.I'm not saying these are words of wisdom but I talk from experience.
I'm sure no one wants to be used and deceived...and as tough as it is, you need to start dealing with the situation.Because you are being used and deceived...
And that's exactly what our MM do...for whatever reason. Waiting around for him, to do what you expect him to, just might never happen.
It is finally your decision when or how to end it...but remember-other people are not in this world to make you feel better about yourself...
This is your own responsibility, right and goal for the future.
All the best for you
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A
female
reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (12 January 2009):
Hi I assure you the ya gotta laugh was in jest...
Please can you be a little gentler with me....his waste basket really made me feel hurt..You know..this all sucks big time..I hear what you are saying, and it is awesome advice...I know I should do all you are saying and walk away....I deserve more, other men...etc...
I know if I end it..I would feel awful and stuff for about a week or so..maybe more who knows and that it is best...I guess I am too chicken to do it..must gather courage up...have used him as a crutch to help me thru my separation etc....he has helped me so much by being there for me and I have mixed up friendship with love etc.
Am trying to use AA coping skills..one day at a time...accept things can not change etc.. as it is pure addiction. I will get my nerve up soon...but i jyst love him and want him and he is so nice to me and i feel so good when i am with him...it is really tragic..and yet he could leave if he really really wanted to..so it all sucks and you are right...ah one day..one day i will value myself..well wait i do value myself..i am finally aware this is wrong and it is bothering me at least that is a start...i guess it will just come to a head...dunno hate that this started in the first place...but in a way glad..it did give me the courage to leave my husband...made it easier...and you know I can't help being in love with him you know....please be nice to me ahhaha..i like what u r saying but sometimes u use harsh words and it hurts..I already hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): I am in the exact same position as you except my "soulmate/ friend/ lover" is 25 years my senior and has two kids (well I say kids, one of them is 23, a year older than me). We met at work, started emailing (about work at first!) then texting.. then I offered to pick him up from the casino one night and it all just sort of rolled on from there. I have fell completely in love with him and he said he loved me too and how he wanted to be with me. He told me that we would get married and he was looking into divorce, actually collected figures and everything, he really made me believe that this was for real. Then in august 08 he went on holiday with the wife that he supposedly hated and couldnt even be in the same room as. I was furious, hurt, upset.. I didnt eat the whole week he was gone. Thinking about them together on holiday, walking along the beach hand in hand, rubbing suntan lotion on each other, having sex.. Every thought made me go a little more insane. Things havent been the same since then (although we've still been talking and met a few times). I feel like he is trying to "phase me out" of his life though. Like he doesnt want to say to me "its over" but wants me to take hints an leave him alone. I am finding it difficult as he is on my mind 24/7 but I have coped by a number of things including:
1. Joining a dance class, Im getting all trim so that my confidence might just grow back a bit and also the class keeps me busy and therefore (temporarily) keeps my mind off him.
2. Everytime I reach for the phone to text him or call him, I try to think to myself "I AM WORTH MORE!" because Im 22 and quite good looking, I also have an ex boyfreind who is great and who loves me so much who I KNOW would marry me tomorrow, so why am I so bothered by this ageing married father of two!?!?!? Although sometimes I find myself texting him anyway regardless of this.
3. I generally feel like my head is going to explode from all the insane thinking Ive been doing about him... so sometimes just having a "me me me" day is nice - a massage, manicure, even a home facial and putting some st tropez on or getting a nice new haircut cheers me up.
Its little things at first but you will get over your guy, as will I hopefully...
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female
reader, freya70 +, writes (10 January 2009):
no, Mrs Right none of this sounds like s good idea...at all.Is it possible for you to switch from lovers, to friends and back to lovers again?I can see from your posts that you are just not ready for this kind of arrangement.I suggest you spend some time alone and consider all your options.Value yourself and remember that there are plenty of other men out there that want to have sex with you.And there are men that can and will love you, too.So there's no need for you to be his waste basket,really...Cherish your soul and your body and stop wasting it on someone that doesn't deserve it.Personally, I don't find anything to laugh about in your story.It just makes me feel sad for you.I hope you can come out of this and be happy again!
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reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (10 January 2009):
thnks freya70....... have thought alot .... i have decided (for just now) to remain FF's and try not to say and feel all the love stuff.......i will focus on my own life, i am finally free to get to know me and love myself... so i am going to do that..thing is i still wanna have sex with him etc. and he is beautiful to me...but maybe if i cut out the love stuff, realize he will never leave then i will not be so emotional and since i have accepted i can't have him..why not have some good sex for awhile until in my gut i can stand up and say enough i want all of you-leave and get healed and then come to me ...i am aware it is not good for me to pine for him more then see him, am aware it hurts me..but not ready quite yet to tell him i am not doing this anymore.....when i do tell him then maybe that might shake his world and he might do something if he doesn't then oh well i would of moved on....but i do value his friendship so hopefully that would remain until that can't either... i think in my gut i will know when i need to end things..right now i do feel i need to stop all the ilu's but not ready to give up sex...but soon i will not want only that and will say when i feel ready i guess..i dunno does any of this sound like a good plan or not do you think??..hahah ah ya gotta laugh
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): Mrs Right, please stay close to your therapist, you need a lot of support that this man cannot give. You have traded one addiction for another. This is a human being, he dosen't belong to you, you can force him to want to be with you.
"WHy won't he leave his wife" He wont leave his wife because he loves her, he wants to be with her. I dosen't say he loves you, because he can't, he loves her not you. Probably the sex isn't very good, so that's why he comes to you. He's told you the truth, he never gives you love words, he tells you to concentrate on yourself, this guy seems to be one of the honest ones, but for some reason you choose to believe he has feelings which are not there.
"All I want is to be with him..I want her to just go away and go back home to Florida and leave us alone......." If she leaves him, he will move heaven and earth to get her back. Sorry, but there is no "us" in your case. It's him and his wife, and you who keep chasing, bothering and sorry to say making an embarrassment of yourself. Please continue to see your therapist, you need someone to help your realise that this isn't love, it isn't reality, for you this is an obsession which prevents you from getting on with your life. You've traded one addiction for another.
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female
reader, freya70 +, writes (9 January 2009):
Get a grip, Mrs Right!!!!I know it's hard but don't expect anything more than you have now.We've all been there, done that but it really doesn't make any difference what you do or say.It's eventually his decision whether to leave his wife or not and not yours!And please, don't trade one addiction with another.Live your life,take your time to find yourself again and I promise you things will get better...married man or not.I think I just might come out of the dark hole I was in... slightly.Yes, I love him...no,I can't have him...just yet or never, perhaps but I refuse to live another day anticipating something that might never happen.I suggest you do the same...I wish all the best for you.
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female
reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (8 January 2009):
Friends...I am so sad right now I am crying my eyes out..what am I going to do??..I love my MM so much..I wrote before on this and I was married too...but 14 weeks ago I separated from my husband...for many reasons...but I can't lie I was thinking of my MM and how I would be free to see him more...even though he wouldn't be..I don't know I just thought maybe, just MAYBE he would leave his wife.....but as he always has said he can't do anything..she does not want to be with him but he won't leave her...he is waiting until she does it....All I want to do is be with him..I can't even do anything else but think about him somedays..like today. I am hopelessly obsessed. I am going to see a therapist about it...I was an alcoholic and last year he inspired me to go to AA when he sat and told me how awful it is for him to live with his alcoholic wife..I said omg you sound like my husband talking to someone else..so I went to AA and my life is completly 100% better..one year later...he was the one who supprted me...and it is as if he is like this crutch that happened at the same time as my new non drinking life...I met him about 2 weeks before going to AA. He has said he loves me and I do it all the time. About 9 months ago we almost got caught by his wife...becasue of the phone bills being non existant when she was away in FLorida.....cuz we were together...ever since he has really held bac...Now he won't say I love you, he is a fantastic lover and so very nice to me..but I sit there all day obsessing and emailing and texting him..he doesn't reply much and has told me I have to focus on my life now cuz of separation...but I miss him more then my husband to be honest.
So that was nice of him to tell me to get y life together..he said he is stil my FF and I am seeing him tomorrow..but I guess what is happenening is in ym head I am realizing my sick obsession and that I need to not do this anymore..but I will be a basket case!!!!...All I want is to be with him..I want her to just go away and go back home to Florida and leave us alone!!!!!
But then again see most of the time I sit here being all u[pset that I can not be with him. He still has sex with his wife every once in awhile so that was ok at first but now bugs me...cuz now I am thinking hey you you are just getting it from both places and that is not right..I dont know at first he said they hardly ever do it and she is not interested...but I said too bad I wasn't your first for 2009 and I thought he would say yes you are..but he didn't so I guess they did it.....and now I am a mess..just a mess....
WHat can I do to get out of this.
How can I break this off and not go beserk????
I was in the hospital recently in the mental health ward as I had a flip out over something with my husband..unfinished business of feelings for him and saw a text that he was seeing someone already and I fliped out...realized it is becasue i still had feelings for him and it was ike betrayal..I am over that now and realize i am totally separated and no girl can hurt me now cuz i do not care...i say this only becasue i am worried i might freak ou tover my MM and not being with him anymore...I realize this whole things is kiling me and not good for me to be so upset al the time..it is like my alcohol addiction..it is obsessive love...i supose i need to do what i did with stoping cravings for alcohol with him too???...
Every time I see him it is like a FIX...and then I am down all week until I see him again..PLease please please ladies please help me..please don't be harsh I am very emotional right now..but I need serious help....WHy won't he leave his wife if he doesn't even love her??..but then again why is he having sex with her then...or maybe he is not..he didn't answer soi he might not of..who knows...oh well see i get all in a tizzy..please help me!!!
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female
reader, danski +, writes (5 January 2009):
I hear what everyone is saying, I feel it all, and I appreciate how the feelings I am feeling are not unique to me but I still do NOT want to break up. My head says to but I feel like part of me would die if I did, even though its slowly killing me now. It has been 10 years and some days/weeks are perfect and some days/weeks are lousy.
My biggest problem now is that I feel like I am the one protecting the anonymity more than he is; it's almost as if he is teasing me with the idea that we could go public when I know he really does not want to! It's the chicken way out but I wish he would just break up with me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Ring the Bell.. wake up, it's 2009, it's a new year.
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female
reader, freya70 +, writes (31 December 2008):
i can't wait for the bloody holiday season to end.this is unbearable.it's just so painful
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Unfair!Unfair!
Diovan I was just about to hit the triple century.Congratulations anyways(Bugs dejected with the unused bat in hand)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): 300 posts.. I done it.. I claim the prize..
Anyway I'll be back in the new year to see how many of you are willing to sign the pledge to be married man free next year. Then we got to find some ways and suggestions to make life more than bearable, but actually fun and exciting without him... See you later ladies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Lovely to see a couple of new ladies coming here with the determination to walk away and never look back, one of you I recognise and thanks for telling your story to give to others who need some moral support..
The clock is still ticking, 29th December today, Three days for some of you to make yourself a determined promise to make next year different, to make 2009 all about you and not about HIM...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I am glad I found this site. I am married and he is married. He is 33 years older than me. I guess the game and lies are all the same. It is scary to see how erily similiar they all are. I just broke it off and it feels good. I WILL not go back
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): He is 24, you are 20!
I love a married man too but am much older and have been ,married myself and have a child.
He he has no kids he would leave if he loved you. It's just that simple! Please please please do not think that at 20 you can know where you're life will lead. You are an adult but will chnage in so many ways yet. I know this sounds patronising but at your age I married my soul mate and am now divorced and am in love with someone unobtainable.
I don't want you to think I'm unknowing...just scared you'll give you heart to someone undeserving and then realise later you've missed you chance with smeone obtainable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Ha,ha I nderstand the confusing pain that you are going through. I have been involved with a married man for 4years. I have also fallen in love with him and have traded in my single life to be that of the other woman and live with the dismay of friends and some family members. I chose not to date or see other people because of my relationship with him and his so-called jealousy. Not picture this, this man is 10yrs younger than me,i'm tall he's extremely short.We dont go anywhere with each other or entertain ourselves outside my home.. My answer to you is decide what you want in life.. You are young and don't deserve being ok with sloppy seconds.. We both know these men arent leaving their wives.. If they loved us and needed us as much as the claim they would be with us.{LIARS} Honestly they only want a safe haven away from home when the mrs. pisses them off or when they want a good freak session.. What they get from us I PROMISE they wouldn't dare ask from the wife.. Know in your heart that there is a single man who can fill that emptiness and hurt we have created and waiting to allow us to be number one. You must first make up in your mind that's what you want. Noone can tell you what to do because that married man will always make that advice seem dum and say outsiders dont understand.. Girl enjoy the minute but let it go you'll be ok... I mean WE"LL be ok I PROMISE.. Remember we have cried about our first love and got over it. THIS TOO SHALL PAST!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): What would you do if he comes araund again?Thank you all for the responses. I have been trying to capture every word and sinking them in my head, so I can be strong enough to get over this terrible phase. Today, I feet weak, but for some reason I have not cried since he left me/I left him. Do not ask me why? I do not know. But, if you do, please let me know.He is now outside the country on vacation with his wife and son. I am affraid about what would I do, upon his return, if he attempt to contact me or show his face at my work place. Sometimes I think to take my vacation to avoid this type of confrontation by going outside the country, days after his return, and stay out of the sight for a few days and not allow him a chance to contact me.I regret so many things/not all things that I have done lately for him prior we broke up. I really regret emailed him after we broke up searching for support. Stop! Was I really looking for support or trying to tell him that "hey, I am here! let me see/have you one more time?" I believed not. I do not desire him, because I am angry and I want to punch his face, as I did on our last encounter. I hitted him so strongly in his face, as a boxer hit, that he dropped on the ground. I did it and even gave im a chance to hit me back, if he desires (he did not!). At that time I felt all my anger coming out, and I told him that he deserved it for cheating on me and make me feel like stupid AGAIN. Moreover, I told him that, the pain he is having will go away in hours, but the pain he caused on me nobody knows how long will take to go away. Believe it or not, we still spent the rest of the weekend together, but on the last night, we just stayed together, no sex, and next morning I got up and left - no word. He kept calling me afterwards, until I decide to apologize to him for hitting on his face, which I regret. From that point on, no more sex, encounters, nor mail exchange. He wrote a few emails to me, but I did not responded none of them. He came over my work by surprise and took me to dinner, I went, and I listened all his smooth talks, giving him his pleasure to be in control. Next day, I was the first to change my cell number, due to horrible things he was texting me. To me, there was the end of "us", now is just "me". I know I am/will suffer, but why am I not crying? I do not want to see him, but I am in the eager to show him that I am alive, carrying on with my life, and be please to ignore him if he comes around. I still wanted to show him that he is a crap, a scam, a monster. I have the desire to make him suffer, as well as I am suffering. How can I get this revenge away?There is one more thing, he keeps in his secret email compromising photos of me, and I am affraid that he can use them somehow and there's nothing I can do.
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reader, a4904e +, writes (22 December 2008):
I have never been in love or trusted anyone before in my life. Me and my (old) boss started off as co-workers, went to friends then the very best of friends. The kind you want to tell everything to as soon as it happens. He is 16 years my senior. I had always ignored my feelings for him because he was married. When I put in my notice (after getting a better job opportunity) he admitted to me that he is in love with me. He thinks about me all the time, not even his wife knows him like I do, etc etc. I know he cares about me. I feel like no one knows me like he does and for the first time in my life, i feel like someone knows me and is in my heart. I told him nothing could ever happen because its wrong. At first he wanted us to see what happens if we were to have an affair but I refused. He left his wife and hoped to be with me but I was sure he would go back and surely enough after a week, he got lonely and went home. He did this twice. He says i never wanted to be with him but he is all i think about. I just always knew he would never leave her. she is depressed, has issues, he wouldnt be able to see his baby, etc etc. Now she thinks I am the reason their marriage fell apart (even though I was the one who said it would be wrong to have sex) they are in counseling, trying to work things out and all I can hear in my head is his voice telling me he loves me. I told him when he first admited it to not bring it up anymore because those were feelings I kept locked away for a reason. He wouldnt drop it and now he has decided to fix things with her and Im heartbroken, cant see him because she is up his ass, cant talk to him because she is checking his phone records, missing him. I cant even breath.I dont know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): how do i cope?
I don't.I let it get to me emotionally and physically.I'm in bed with high fever, no voice,no appetite,no strenghth.
Reduced to a sad pile of mess, guilt and self-pity.
He's at home with his wife...does he even care?
No, he doesn't.
He wants to be friends.
I can only hope I can get through this.It was wrong, it was stupid but now it's me paying the consequences..on my own.
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female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (12 December 2008):
 WOW! This post is amazing. I had no clue that so many women were experiencing these same feelings as I. I thought I would add my two cents to the post.
First off, i'm married but seperated. And have been seperated for over 2yrs. I'm in the process of getting my divorce as I write this response.
Well ladies I've actually been on both sides of the fence and I can't really say one side is better than the other. As a wife and mother of our 4yr old son, I was cheated on and my husband has had children outside of our marriage with two different women. We did marry young he was 21 and me 23, but that still was no excuse. We met in church and decided that we needed to be right by God and not have kids out of wedlock. So we got married, which was a mistake, because I wasn't in love with him, but tried to make myself be in love with him for our sons sake (big mistake).
Needless to say the marriage was a disaster. I did gain knowledge and love for our Lord Jesus Christ (which I had no knowledge of prior to our marriage) and a beautiful son.
This is where it's starts getting good, I spoke with the "other woman" who was sleeping with my husband and told her that he was married with a 18month old son and I wanted my family to stay together. Long story short she didn't stop messing with him and he ended up leaving me for her and got pregnant by him. He son left her too.
He's in the military and son started to carry on a relationship with another girl who got pregnant with twins. He used her up and left her too. He's now with another girl.
As you probably can guess I am no longer in love with him but love him as a person and father of my son. MY POINT IS AS THE WIFE I WAS VERY VERY VERY HURT, FELT DECEIVED AND USED AND REJECTED. I was very depressed started back smoking cigarettes and partying.
After nearly a year I no longer had the desire to be his wife anymore. All along he was asking me for a divorce and I was praying that God have his way in my marriage because I wanted to live right. Well I've discovered and concluded that he is not the man for me and I pray for any other woman that settles with him because their in for a world of heartache.
NOW....On the other hand...I am the "other woman" in a on going relationship that I've been having now for nearly 6months. My guy isN'T married and has one child but not by the woman his with. He is also my senior by 11yrs and tells me he loves me and I'm his soul mate, etc.
Problem is: he's known this girl for over 15yrs and has been with her off and on for 10...he's daughter is 9 so I'm figuring he was cheating and made her. My thing is he tells me he's not going to marry this girl but at the same time he hasn't left her.
I ask him am I going to be able to have you to myself and he says yes. Because if you look at the situation they have nothing but love holding them together which is probably all that is needed obviously. The house is in her name, he says none of the utilities is in his name, they have no kids together, and again they are NOT married.
So I don't know what to think...he has told me where they live, I have been to his mothers house (while she was gone), to his hang outs, etc. He has told me her name and where she works just in conversation and I've kept it to memory. The last time I cursed him out I told him I had his gf's cell and house # (hoping that this would cause him to leave me alone).
IT DIDN"T...he called me the next morning and have been talking and sexing me every since. I don't want her to feel what I felt so I refuse to call her, because I could if I really wanted to. I don't understand why he won't just leave me alone (this will make it easier for me to forget him).
He's also told me he wants a baby by me. CRAZY isn't it. He calls me while he's at home and his gf is there (so disrespectful) so I know he'll do the same to me. He say he won't but he obviously not the most truthfulest person.
But he has also said without me bringing anything up that he knows he has to make a decision soon. So I imagine he knows how this makes me feel.
I was so desperate to end it that I put a guy up to answering a call from him and telling him to stop calling me he called me the next morning on my work phone.
So you see he's making it impossible for me...because I'm obviously not strong enough to ignore his calls and ignore him period. I tried to ignore his calls and that was only because I made a vow with God that I would fast any contact with him for three days. Don't you know on the 3rd day at midnight I was calling him immediately. He's definitely a addiction to me.
See this is the twist with my situation I'm not limited to special times and dates with this guy I can call at any time of day and he will answer the phone even when at home with gf. So..........I don't know.........it's kind of weird. He's also told me that we both have ties to other people and that as much as he doesn't like it if I see someone I'm interested in go for it (this is when I put the guy up to answering my phone). He's actions didn't match his suggstion/advice. I guess it was only natural to be jealous.
OVERALL LADIES...I FEEL YOUR PAIN...DISAPPOINTMENT...ANGER...JEALOUSY...FEELING USED, MANIPULATED, DECIEVED, ETC. EVEN THOUGH MY GUY IS NOT MARRIED AND HAS NO KIDS WITH HIS GF HE STILL HAS NOT LEFT HER. BUT ALL HE CAN TELL ME IS "DON'T THROW HIM AWAY," "DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM," AND "BE PATIENT."
MY ADVICE LADIES IS LISTEN TO YOUR HEART...DONT JUDGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BY PREVIOUS LET DOWNS OR OTHER WOMENS "MARRIED MEN OUTCOMES." THE HEART NEVER LIES IF YOU HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THE MAN WILL NEVER LEAVE THEN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO...AND I DO BELIEVE THAT IF THEY HAVEN'T LEFT AFTER A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME (6MON-1YR)THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE. IT'LL BE 6MON FOR ME NEXT MONTH. IM NOT GOING TO WASTE MUCH MORE TIME BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR KNOWING WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED IN THIS POST AND STILL CONTINUE WITH THIS GUY.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCT...IF YOU THREATEN TO TELL HIS GF/WIFE AND HE DISAPPEARS...HE'S NOT ABOUT YOU...IF HE STAYS AROUND??????????????????I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED WITH ME AND HE STILL HASN'T LEFT HER.
ULTIMATELY I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BACK ALL THE WAY OFF AND STOP LETTING HIM GET HIS CAKE AND EAT IT...AND IF HE COMES BACK IT'S MEANT IF NOT IT WASN'T...BUT IM ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR HIM...I REFUSE...IM NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BREAK UP APPROACH BECAUSE I'VE TRIED THAT 3 TIMES AND SEEMS TO ENTICE HIM...BUT I WILL STOP BEING SO AVAILABLE AND SEE HIM WHEN I WANT TO...AND I PLAN TO MAKE IT PLATONIC AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR...
BEST HOPES LADIES...GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FUTURE...THE LORD SAYS IN JEREMIAH 29:11-13 THAT HE KNOWS THE PLANS THAT HE HAS FOR US AND THEY ARE NOT OF EVIL, BUT OF HOPE AND A FUTURE...SO YOU SEE LADIES EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT...JUST CAST YOUR CARES ON THE LORD AND HE'LL HEAL YOU...
WITH LOTS OF LOVE
*T*
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): wow. the stories here tell my story word to word. 2 coworkers becoming very good friends than falling in love. this is my first time ever in love. he promises everything, complains about his wife, marriage, brings up history of depression. plans to leave her at some point (nothing definite). promises to be true to me but spends most nights at home because he is tired, depressed and wants to see his 6 month old. i always tell him he has to leave because he wants a better life and cannot think of me as the factor involved in the decision. but because i trust him fully i believe what he says. after all he is one of the most intelligent men i've ever known. turns out he is definitely the best liar and most heartless one. i come to find out today he has been lying to me the whole time and sleeping with her because he "has to keep her off of his back". everything shattered. my heart is so broken, i lose my best friend , soulmate and love of my life in one day. i know i have to recover i just don't know how. i even protect him for his wife, because how could you ever hurt someone if you loved them? and there is the answer, you can't and he didn't love me but he used me so well to sustain and even better his bad marriage and make himself feel better about such a pathethic life. but i'm here alone with my shattered heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Thank you DiovanLestat, you've been such a great friend for many of us in this shitty situation.We can all agree on one thing-you're absolutely right.
The men we have so much love,affection and admiration for are just plain cowards, cheaters any liars.
He sleeps with me, hidden away, so no one can see us...a dark secret, a part-time illusion,a distant fantasy, a nobody...
He knew what I was going through...he thought he could control it and just stay with me for the sex...and he thought the same for me...but he can't...and neither can I...
The plain truth is that he's probably going to dump me, even though I'm everything she's not, and stay with her to keep up appearances...
There's only one thing I now....I'm not something to hide, I'm not a disease, I'm not anyone's mistake, I'm not something to be ashamed of.
I'm a strong, independent and intelligent young woman and I don't deserve this..And it's time to stop.Really...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): PS: There are so many women in your situation, so don't forget about them, update your situation and support one another, and if you manage to get away and find happiness with somebody else or by yourself, please come back and tell everyone else how it's done.. Blessings ladies, you deserve happiness cause you all show so much love.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Hi Ladies,
Sorry that so many of you are suffering under the spell of a worthless man whose not treating you right. I pop in every now and again, to provide support, to remind you that your not wicked, your not dirty, you fell in love with the wrong man. He doesn't love you enough to be with you full time, and in many cases he's lying to you and his wife over and over again.
Leaving dose seem impossible to many of you, but it's not. It's about determination and choice. You have to choose to love YOU more than you love this lying, worthless piece of crap. Ignore his tears, his pleading and his sweet words, Talk is cheap, it's actions that matter most. Is he with you or is he with her. Do you still sleep alone, where is he for Christmas, can you walk outside in the sunshine with him, or dose he hide you in the cupboard like a dirty secret? Don't believe his lies, IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULDN'T BE MARRIED, CAUSE HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU.... He's a liar, he lies to you and he lies to her, he's a professional, he's the expert, he knows just what to say to keep you hanging on a string.
Don't call him, don't see him, and don't let him talk to you and give you any more bullshit and lies. Yes it will hurt, and it will hurt badly. Many of you will be mothers, you've given birth, you can stand the pain, you've been through worse and you've survived.
Somebody mentioned the books by Paul McKenna which help you to get over a dysfunctional love affair, and they are pretty good (please google them, cause I ain't got the address) there's a website with more people in your situation at http://www.the-other-woman.com. Books and tapes by Anthony Robins also help, you can find some of his work at YouTube. They are very life affirming, and will help to remind you that it's your life and you have to reclaim it and achieve your goals to find happiness...
Christmas is coming up soon, do you want another year of this loneliness and pain. Yes your in love, and no it won't work, very few married men leave their wives, and when they do they often go back or cheat on you with somebody else. Break free, cut contact, open the door and taste freedom without him. Claim back your happiness and start living life again. You deserve more than waiting around until he decides to call. There are so many wonderful things and ton's of happiness waiting for you out there, if only you could see it, and believe that it can happen to you.
Cut contact, have nothing to do with these cheating men. You deserve happiness but only you can grab it, life is short and your wasting time waiting on a stupid man to call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): I came across this site trying to figure out what to do.It is quite clear to me that being involved with a married man isn't what one aims for in life...but it happened and there's no easy way out.Having been in a difficult period I became emotionally attached to a co-worker and we really were great friends...at first.Of course, after some time this story took a completely different turn, developing into an affair.But there's no lying here.He says he probably won't leave her and that he probably loves her.But he loves me too...no promises, no excuses. But isn't it funny that he can cope with the fact that he hurt me, but can't walk away from something that has not been a "marriage" for decades?I can't and I won't discuss intimate details here but she is the one to blame in this whole situation.She chose to end this marriage years ago...and stay just for the sake of it.I know, I have to choose.I will let go...when I can't cope anymore...but not now...not yet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): Ladies, all of your writings have common denominators that I recognise all too well. These men who have been messing you around are using you to sustain their unhappy marriages of which they have no intention of leaving. If they truly loved you they would do the right thing and leave their wives. I understand what you are all going through - having just gone through it myself. These are men who want to have their cake and eat it - and you are allowing them to do this! You are helping the MM's marriage to survive because you are fulfilling a missing component in the MM's marriage, which could be sex, communication or maybe a combination of things. These men are just 'users' and you deserve better. Don't help MM to keep his marriage surviving by being a surrogate wife who gets nothing but heartache.Remember, if he will cheat on his wife then he will cheat on you. Once a cheater - always a cheater. It hurts to let them go but you will overcome it - and its not worth losing your sanity for. My ex MM came back into my life after 10 months of getting over him purely to upset me again - he made out that he had missed me and then started playing the mind games and he succeeded in upsetting me, yet again. Turns out he just wanted sex! Can you believe what a shallow piece of Sh** he really is?I've now regained my inner strength - which didn't take long to do and next time he tries to contact me I'll tell him where to get off. Who needs heartbreak and upset when there's a better life waiting for you! Ditch the sad MM's and go find happiness - its out there waiting for you. Try reading Paul McKenna - the self help techniques regarding relationship break up really do help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): I am just amazed on how many women are going through the same experience and sadly, it makes me feel much better and at the same time more stupid. It seems that all MM tell about the same lies (they might believe in them a little bit too), how could I so sincerely believe him? I have been involved with a MM for a year and a half now. We work together and he is a pretty amazing professional, more like a star. He took me under his wing and from day one professed his love for me. I was 28 and he 42 at the time, and he seemed to be the most caring loving man I had ever met. I am married and he is also married with two children. At first none of us thought of leaving our spouses, but then it became unbearable for me to stand the thought that he belongs in someone else's bed and that our relationship is "wrong". I decided to break it off. We lasted for about a month and he declared that he is leaving his wife to build a future with me. I was extatic and terrified at the same time. I love him so much it borders addiction. And I know he feels the same. Guess what? He keeps dragging the time out, in two months, in three months and that was 6 months ago. I just found out that him and his family are going on vacation together. Lovely... He finally broke down and admitted he couldn't risk everything to be with me. And although honesty is what I wanted most, now I am in agony. And although I feel I'm losing sanity, I will never ask him to be with me, I will pretend that I think it's the best decision... But I will always wonder: "what if he has been brave?", "what will we never know?". You know ladies, these questions are pointless, really. The answer is simple: "nothing! He just doesn't want to!" Why is that the less men love women the more we love them? We truly deserve better. We need to take away important lessons and move on. You need to leave the stage while the applause is still on. I made a mistake and returned to the relationship. Give him back to his wife, allow him to go back. If you are in a similar situation, don't turn around, leave immediately. Yes, it hurts. And it will. But then it will heal and you'll be happy again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Hello I don't think you gave your name so I'm just going to give you a little insight on your questioN. I am 22 years of age and I have experienced alot of let down relationships. You stated in your question that because of his religion he is staying with his wife. In his religion does it state that thou shall not commit adultery. Also the position that you have chosen to take you are breaking a convenant that two people have with God. Honey I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. Once you settle down and get a husband you will remember all the things that this married man did to get away from his wife. Then the insecurities will set in with you and your husband. I believe that you need to pray about what's going on and get out of the situation as fast as you can. Please take it from someone who knows.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Wow I’m so glad I came across this page… A few months ago I went on a dating site and met a man.. he claimed to be single and was kinda weird about having a casual relationship.. I just thought he was some sort of commitment phobic… He was overseas for work so the first month we communicated by phone and IM… After about a week he felt bad and admitted he was married with a child, however they were separated but there was a chance they could get back together… He said he originally was looking for fun and never intended to met someone and fall for them and vice versa… I was upset but by then it was too late I was already feelings attached, especially since he would ring and speak to me for hours and hours every day… We discussed the whole wife things many times.. I had episodes of trying to pull out of the whole thing because I knew if he was going back I would be heart broken, he would always talk me back from my little stands… After a month he came back and literally drove straight from the airport after a 22hr flight to meet me.. He was the nicest most compatible man I have ever met.. After a few days he said he has to return to his wife due to his child missing him… But that would be in a month or so… this month we have continued to see eachother… We have both had times of trying to put a stop to it all.. He has appeared genuinely upset and guilt ridden for what he’s putting me through.. But we were both so drawn to eachother and could never last long on trying to stop seeing eachother… Yesterday he left to go overseas to his wife.. he wants to remain friends… he intends to be faithful to his wife now and keep some minimal contact with me.. I feel so heartbroken and used… I am feeling a great loss… His feelings towards me appeared genuine but then I wonder.. I can’t contact him I don’t want to interfere in his marriage.. I already feel guilty enough for what I have done.. I feel jealousy, and rejected… I have never felt such heart break in all my life… I just wish I could forget him but I can’t even do that for one min.. I am missing him so much and I don’t know how to stop.. everything reminds me.. I just wish there was an easy way out of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I'm reading this and reading my story over and over again. Work mates, both married. Never felt like this before, unbelivable connection, soulmates. I leave my husband. He doesn't leave his wife.Still, one year on, nothing changes. We break up, we get back..on and on and on in a loop. Love is harder than heroin to give up.I wish I could see anything other than loneliness in the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): you are talking as if breaking up with someone (ok, the loved one) is the end of the world and life. let's be serious. why do you let yourself drown in this? you can pay attention to the world remember how beautiful your life was before you met him, how many men are just waiting for your and for your free heart.the sun continues to shine.and if for him his wife (he claim he doesn't love)is better, even makes him suffer, then let him suffer together with her. this is what he wanted.and you, my dear, just take a deep breath and smile to the world.a big love is more a problem of self suggestion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): the bad thing about all your stories is the fact that you are wasting your lives, waiting for a "train" will never stop in your station.
there is just one thing you can do to see what he wants from you. tell the MM you don't want to see him while he is married. you want to meet him when he is free. that's the prove he can give you: if he leave his wife for you.
don't think on what society say. is not your fault that you love someone and want to be loved. I also don't believe in this "other woman concept". let's be serious: we belong to ourselves and we chose to share our lives with someone else. no one can say that owns us (and this other woman's man is talking about owning)
what i'm saying is to not let yourself trapped into such a situation and more losing control over yourselves. you have to stay strong and to make him chose. don't waste your life for anybody!
what i
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Hi Ladies,
Just a quick note to say I read the detirmination of the anonymously ladies written on 28th, 22nd and 16th October 2008. Great news ladies, you all seem like you are ready to move you. You know you all deserve better, and you know that there is a better future and happiness waiting for you. Good luck, it's hard, but within a year, you will heal, and you will thrive. Keep in contact with friends and family, get a new hobby, start dating again, go to the gym, party like there is no tomorrow. Keep yourselves busy and start going out, meeting new people and try to enjoy yourself. Delete his number, refuse to talk to him at work, or even get a new job if you dare. This year will be all about you moving on, and finding happiness, strength and confidence, it should be all about you. Good luck, blessings....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Does anyone think it is really possible for a man who is married and having sex with his wife, to truly love another woman?
My MM says "I love you" all the time, but...I don't think he does because he says his relationship with his wife is "okay." I have no idea why he wants to "stay connected" as he says, to me.
It's heartbreaking and infuriating. I want to believe that he loves me, but I keep thinking about how he is sexually involved with someone else..and I can't believe that what he says is true.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hello -
I am in the same boat - but mine has 3 kids and a wife he claims he does not love. The arguements over stupid things have brought me to a halt. I know it hurts to let them go but we have to. They are - and I say this w/tears streaming down my face - they are taken and not really available to us - even though we so desperately want that. I have decided to let mine go because I choose me - me over him. We truly deserve better - right? I mean how many men have you passed by for him? I know I have passed a bunch - thinking he would leave if only she got ajob, etc.... When is enough enough? I work w/my lover alos and it is hard to see him day in and day out but we do this together maybe just maybe we have a chance. I am willing if you are - we are worth it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I sympathise strongly with your situation as I myself was the "other woman" and I know how painfully difficult it can be to cope with, I completely understand what you mean when you say that you are finding it hard to function, there were many times when I didn't see the point in continuing on when I couldn't be with the one I loved. The only advise I can give you is to seperate yourself as much as possible from this man, I know you love him and it is really hard, but the ONLY way to get over him is to move on with your own life, a life that involves minimal/no contact with him. If you don't you will be caught in an endless cycle that will live you trapped and unable to find love with a man who can give himself to you completely. The first few months wil be the most difficult, but after that you will start to notice other men, and hopefully be happier within yourself.I hope this has been helpful, good luck in finding your TRUE prince charming!!!xox
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):
I have been in a similar situation for a long 9 years. We both met when we weren't with other partners. He was a cop in my neighborhood, and I was going through a bitter divorce from a cop. I was sort of dating, but not anyone seriously. He was younger than me, and was sort of seeing someone as well. Well, I had chosen not to get involved with a cop while divorcing one at the same time, so I ended any kind of communications with him. I was fine, and began seeing someone on a more permanent basis whom I met online and who moved from California to Illinois to be with me. It was great. Then the cop contacted me via instant message to tell me he had just gotten married and just returned from his honeymoon. I congratulated him on his marriage. His next response was, "I still want to see you." I couldn't believe it, and laughed it off like he was joking. He wasn't joking. He continued to call, was interested in my life, didn't like me dating who I was dating, and continued to pursue me, of course until he broke me down enough and I gave in. I thought there was something there. Yeah, there was something there for him. I was his trophy because he decided to settle for someone that he would be safe with, someone that was overweight, and unattractive. I should have seen the signs from the very beginning, but I am a sucker! I believe everyone. I loved everything he was telling me, how much he loved me, how attracted he was, and how I was everything to him. He made me believe it all just so he could suck the life out of me. His choice is stay with her and get what ever he can on the side, and I allowed him to do it. He would get jealous when I wasn't with him, and accuse me of things that I wasn't doing. It was all part of his game to dominate me. He just gave me excitement and a challenge. Then I made the decision to walk away, because I asked myself one question. "What if he did leave his wife for me"? Is he the person I really want to be with? NO. It isn't easy to just move on from something I felt comfort in. It is so hard, and it hurts. The hurt is so deep sometimes, but I know this is the best thing for me. I also decided regardless of what his wife looks or acts like, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I have been in love with a MM for 14 years. I left my first husband because I loved this man so very much. At first he couldn't leave because his kids needed him, he was the 'provider' and it was his 'duty' to provide. I have 4 kids of my own, his are now all grown up with kids of their own....now he can't leave because he has done the 'kid' thing, so we are waiting until my kids are grown up and having lives of their own....perhaps he'll come to my funeral, because I'm not getting any younger.He arly 50s now, me late 40s and I love him more than words can say, and I agonise every day of why I am in this situation. Reading everyones comments has made me feel more normal than you realise....its nice to know that people do understand, even if after 14yrs I can't tell my friends as we live in the same town and I know his wife. There will be many who think badly of me, but his wife only looks upon him as a provider, there is no love or affection - but I still envy her the 'connection' she has with him.
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female
reader, aliki  +, writes (15 October 2008):
I came across this page yesterday and I have to say that I was surprised to see that there are so many women in the same situation with me. To be honest, while reading all that, I felt that we are pathetic! I think that we all deserve something better and that you should try to fight your feelings and get in life what we deserve! My father always tells me that "love" is a type of psychological disease. I used to laugh at him when he was saying that, but now I see that he is so right!I, myself, am in love 1,5 years now with a MM. I am 25, he is 40. The unusual thing is that because of the nature of our job, we spent last year more or less 6 months together in different countries without having to share him with his family. I almost forgot that he was married. He would almost never reply to his wife’s calls, when he was with me and did not talk about her. However, every time we would come back to our country, I had to face the reality. He promised that he would get divorced this summer, but of course you know what happened. He still keeps saying that he will get divorced at some point, just does not specify which year this will be…! The usual excuses! What I wonder though now is, if I really want to be with a man like that?! He tells me that his wife will divorce him at some point and maybe it is true. He spends a lot of time with me, too many phone calls, sms etc. They also have 2 kids, the youngest one is 1,5 years old... It drove me crazy when I found out! He started seeing me when his wife just had his baby! Firstly I didn’t know, but even when he told me, I was already so in love with him that I didn’t leave him. I cried a lot, but I stayed and thats what I regret!All these MM (married men) have been living double lives for x years. Time period full of lies and acting! Can you really trust a man who can do that? Have you wondered what he will do to you, if you become his next wife? Today he does it to her, why not tomorrow to you?! This is what I ask myself ever yday. I am still in love with him. He is the only man I said that I would like to have family with, but I decided that I will try to fight it! Such a man cannot be trusted, and I know that in the future, he would make me unhappy. It is crazy that even though I know it, I have not moved on yet. I feel like I am addicted to him and I hate myself for that! I want to get the power to say, “the end”!I am not sure if I will manage to do this soon, but one thing I am sure about: We all deserve something better! Not to be living in the “shadow” of their wives!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): be strong move on with your life...we are responsible for our own feelings you deserve better.
make it easy for him avoid him let him go... he will stick with his wife and you will be full of sorrrow only if you let it be that way he is not worth it i can assure you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): I would ask that the anonymous answer to this question (dated July 7, 2008).. come back and share with us her most recent testimony.. Being in the same situation, I felt that her answer/testimony was inspiring and uplifting..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): I am in a similar situation... I have been seeing a married man via the internet for over a year. He is a wonderful, romantic, passionate, amazing man. He loves his wife dearly and would never leave her side. I know this. We are a thousand miles apart. So, it is hard for us to get together but maybe every few months. Since we first met in person 9 months ago we have been together on 5 different occasions. We are planning another meet soon. He, honestly is all I have time for as far as a relationship goes. We talk at night on cam. Talk about each other's days, have a lot of laughs, say goodnight and go about our lives. I'm not in the relationship to hurt him or his wife. I have many times thought of ending the relationship because I am scared for him. He is my best friend. We share a friendship that both of us are coming to terms with that will not last forever. He considers me his girl. He wants to lay claims to me. Doesn't want me to date and so on. To tell the truth. I don't want any other man at this point in my life. He is all I want and need. He fills my heart every day. Just being there to talk to. I get scared that the guilt he has for going outside his marriage will one day over take him. And I will be left in the dust. Can anyone relate to this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Do yourself a favour and dump this loser immediately. I was involved with a married man for three years. We took vacations together and saw each other every day. He told me he'd never felt as much love for anyone as he did for me. Just like practially every thing else that came out of his stupid mouth, that turned out to be a big fat lie. His wife found out and he dropped me like a stone, saying he had to try to salvage something for the sake of his kids. I was stunned. He'd told me they had lived separate lives with separate beds for years. A few months later I found that everything he'd told me was untrue. His marriage was fine (or so his wife thought). They still slept together, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries.
It was a struggle but I stayed well away from him and tried to rebuild my life. Now - eight months on, I'm with someone new. Taller, younger, sexier. And I've just heard that his wife has kicked him out. So any lady who thinks she can't live without a married man, think again. It's hard and it takes time but being alone has to be better than being with a lying, manipulative louse who only really cares about himself. And you won't be alone forever.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Ok. Here is some different advice. Leaving him might be the 'right' thing to do. And if you have been wasting your life waiting for him to leave, and you know he never will, then move on. However, if you're not ready to let go, and you think the two of you might really have a chance, try giving him books like 'too good to stay, too bad to leave' and 'When good people have affairs; inside the hearts and minds of people in two relationships'. He might not end up leaving, but it will make him evaluate his relationships, and if he was ever going to leave, these books will give him the courage to know it is the right thing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): I'm glad you found our ladies who are in the same situation. Listen to their stories tske their advice, y
You've made the first stepz and for that I commend you. Stay away from this married man, because he can only bring you tears.. Look to the future, get support from your family and friends. You deserve better and once you leave him you'll realise how wonderfull life can be. Take care of you, good luck...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): dear ladies,
Please break with your married man NOW.
OH YES, I've been there, had the same feelings as you all, no doubt. He was my mate, my collegue (at first) , my lover, my everything, my TRUE LOVE, never met a man I felt so comfortably with, o and his humor!!! Couldn't imaging living without him. What a twist of faith we couldn't be together right away. I was happy to give up my marriage for him. Supposed my children would like him and his son would like me. We could cope with that.
O, just one thing: he would'nt hurt his wife. So kind of him.
So I waited for him to sort things out. I waited four F**** lonely years. Then I broke all contact with him.
And guess what? It took my another four yeras to get over him and to rebuild my confidence (in myself and other people)
Now I'm glad I'm broke away, but i'll warn you ladies: if you can, never go there!! The pain, the agony, it is so bad and so humiliating. It'll take to much of your life.
Jolanda
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I am crying my eyes out reading all of this!!! I was going thru a divorce 2 1/2 years ago when one of my clients' proceeded to tell me he was going thru the same thing (as far as the disconnection) and he could relate. We ended up buying and selling more together and one day he just kissed me and said "I think that I am falling in love with you." Well, me being the independent person I am and going thru a horrible divorce, I didn't take that carelessly. But, I ended up sleeping with him one day and then from there it escalated. I kept telling myself that "I am not a relationship person anyway." It was safe to mess around with him because he wasn't "available" and I wasn't about to jump in a relationship or dating for that matter. A month grew into a year and we decided to open a business together and we to this day are very successful. What happened was we were busted by his girlfriend/common law of 10 years and now it's just screwed up not only our thing but business on his side. I just realized that what I felt for him was love...or maybe it's because you want what you can't have. Anyhow, we broke the affair and have been dealing with consequences for 5 months now. IT IS NOT FREAKIN EASY! We've tried to carry on normal business proceedings. He's recently decided not to come to work for the past 2 months and his side of the business is failing. He says he's depressed and trying to get thru this but I AM FOOTING ALL OF THE BILLS!!!!!!Meanwhile, I'm working my ass off and my side is doing very well. I just poured myself into work. All he can do is belittle me when he's in a bad mood and says I'm not working hard enough BUT HE'S NOT WORKING! I'm always doing something wrong now! He constantly hurts my feelings! Last night I told him we needed to just split everything we owned together 50/50 and we go separate ways and he said "Fine!" NOTE!!!! The only reason the business exists anyway is because OF ME! The other woman!This morning he showed up to work for the 1st time in 2 months saying that he couldn't live without me and we were soul mates, he couldn't do this without me. He told my secretary that he wished we would just get along better and quit arguing with tears in his eyes! She has no idea what transpired between him and I.I love him so much and at least have been trying to save the business between him and I. He needed to give their (he and his girlfriend) relationship a chance since they've been together so long which at the time to me was a good idea to me so we could finally end it. (I didn't mention that he's 20 years older! I'm 32 and he is 52!Never in my life would I have ever thought I would date someone in that age range.) I am a very busy woman. I don't need all of the drama. I was just looking for the attention and hopefully learn that sex could be a very good experience for a change! Anyway, today he shut my door and kneeled down beside me and cried. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him and that he should very much respect me and my position, appreciate everything I do and he didn't want to separate business......Here's my thought. He's realizing that it's not all about him any longer and that I am shaking the system! I do love him with all of my heart but screw him! I'm better than that! You guys made me realize I need to cut ALL ties with him and get on with my life. So, tomorrow....he's gone!I know that I am wasting my heart on someone that isn't reciprocal. I need my whole heart to even begin a nice dating experience or all dates are a waste of time outside of the taboo relationship! I am thinking about each and every one of you! I hope that I'm an example for your next start or to not get involved!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): To the lady that wrote on the 23rd of June. I can't stop thinking about your story. I am so sorry for what you have been through. You will get through this, just give it time. Be selfish and make it all about you for once. Do something that makes you happy every day. Just don't go back to him. It is time to get the life you deserve!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): 28 years ago I met my MM. It was love at first sight. We have had the most incredible love affair ever. And I have the most broken heart. Right now I feel certain that I will die from it, but I know what wont kill me will only make me stronger.
Let me explain, yes we were "soul mates". Yes, the sex was indescribably exciting..took me to higher levels than I have ever known. Yes, we were best friends. Yes, we took trips together, spent weekends together. My heart always skipped a beat when he called. I loved him so much.
How many countless hours would I wait for him to call? How many holidays did I spend alone? How many times did I disappoint my son by making him wait till mommy got her phone call. He told me when his children graduated he would get a divorce. When that time neared, he said I have to wait until I retire because I will loose too much money. Well, that was a year and a half ago.
3 Days ago I told him I couldnt go on like this anymore.
I do believe that he loves me. I think he thought he would leave, but when the time came, he realized he could not hurt his children, his wife, her mother, etc. etc.
As many of you have already stated. We have to face it, these MM dont leave their wives.
I dont regret loving him, I have great wonderful memories of what we had. Right now I am only sad and know that I have to work through this and move on to a different life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I wanted to help and give advice, but I couldn't 'cause there's so many of you in this situation, that I didn't know where to start.
Well it looks like your sisters-in-common, you've got yourselves a name - "Mistress Anonymous" and somebody further down suggested a battle song - "If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right" by Cassandra Wilson
(I prefer Millie Jackson's version myself, cause she keeps "looking at the clock on the wall...tick...tick")
You've got a space here at Dear Cupid to talk and exchange experiences and support. Somebody else was helpfull enough to suggest a usefull website and I'll mention it for those of you who are slow readers and I'ven't yet caught up.
Try to http://www.the-other-woman.com, for similar stories and ideas on how to leave that UNFAITHFUL JERK and stay away. Don't forget to visit us all back here at Dear Cupid from time to time to keep us updated and tell us what's going on with you.
Take care and good luck..... Over and Out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Dear Diovanlestat, you are so true that the burden would be lifted when we walk out of this relationship. Its easier said than done. When you have been in this relationship this long its hard to walk away. You build this bond and its kinda like being in a marriage but its one-sided. I think we are their savior when it comes to their sanity and stability amidst the unstable marriage, stress at work, responsibilities, ... We are their fantasy. A fantasy that they live for the moment when we are with them. Something which is said in bed undercovers and in privacy but once reality sets in its forgotten. And there goes all hopes and dreams are dash. Alas! Yes, true too playing "second fiddle" to a MM is heartbreaking, lonely, humiliating and I sense too in his behavior and tone that he disrespects me. But we the lover, mistress, gf or second banana (what its called) are true and loyal to our MM. Do we get credit for it? No. Do we get appreciated for being their savior? No. We are only there "on call" when needed or remembered as in duty. Other than that we are an "afterthought" i.e We are way down at the bottom of the list...forgotten but resurrected when required. Sigh.
I salute you women for having to put yourself thru this emotional abuse and keeping faith that he will one day leave his wife and walk into your loving, open arms. I asked myself is the wait, pain and loneliness worth it?? Till this day i can't answer this. I hope to wake and see the truth in this relationship and have the strength to tell him to kiss my ass and good riddance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Dash Ladies... this really is a meeting of "Mistress Anonymous" I can see most of you are embarrased and hide your names...Well that's understandable, cause most people are rude to you and just don't understand.....LOL
I'm sorry for each and everyone of you in this situation. Sometimes it works, sometimes a man that is unavailable is just what you need. But to those of you who are unhappy and feel unloved please get out and leave this relationship. If a married man wont leave, no matter what the excuse is, he dosen't love you or respect you very much. You all deserve so much more in life. Your a great bunch of women, you have strength and character and more loyalty than I've ever seen. More loyalty than sense sometimes. Leave your married men and find somebody available to give you the love you deserve. I promise you, once you dump his lying cheating ass, life will look wonderfull and the burden you carry will get lighter in an instant.
If you want to get out, then stop calling him, refuse to see him, don't take his calls and cut all contact. It will be hard, you will feel sad. But heartache happens to all of us. Be strong and in time the pain will go away. But being in love with a married man who refuses to leave his wife is a lifetime of pain, loneliness and humilation. Ladies, don't you deserve more? 'cause I think you do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I want to share with you all of my relationship with a MM which is still ongoing as I write. We met 2 1/2 years ago but did not really go deep till about a year ago. I was pregnant with his baby about 2 years ago and had an abortion without his knowledge. Actually I tried desperately to contact him of the news but he did not answer any of my smses, emails and phone calls. I did not mention of my pregnancy but I did state in those messages that its urgent. Well, he did not return/respond to them. So this decision was left to me eventhough I would be more than happy to keep the baby but financially I can't afford.
After over a year...I told him in February of this year. He asked why did I not tell him before. I tried but he was in a mess with work and problems at home and I do not want to burden him with yet another which is already been taken care of. The reason it took me this long to address this to him was I felt it was the right timing and about time he knows what happened and that if he should want to leave me he can take that knowledge with him of what we have had and shared.
So he knows and then comes the part of him, wife and his kids. He made me cry at one of lunch dates when he told me he feared his wife knew about us and that he don't want to look like a monster to his kids (they are in their teens). I had told him that divorce has been since the bible times and that kids feel the tension in the family when mom and dad is having problems. Why put them thru it ... therefore we have the divorce and people divorce all the time. His answer is wife culture will not accept it and that its "losing face" if that happens. But no his wife did not find out about us it was something to do with his attitude that she was having problems. He jumped the gun.
Anyway, lately he has not been talking of his wife. So during one of our meets I asked how come he don't talk of his marriage anymore. His answer was that he keeps her happy by giving her what she wants and indulging her with LV bags, jeweleries ... Does that sound like a man who is going to leave his wife? My understanding is if a man wants to walk away from his wife he would not spend more than she is worth but just enough to keep peace at home definitely not expensive ruby necklace from a upscale jeweler.
When his wife takes a trip he calls her constantly and checking up on her. I was there when he called her and I asked why? He says she is suppose to have lunch with her friend and he wants to find out if she is telling the truth or seeing "someone" else. Meaning her ex-lover.
What have you all to say? I really need input on this. I'm thinking, deciding and waiting for the right timing to walk away from this and I want to do it civily.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Hmmm. I've been reading these comments due to a question that was posed to me a few days ago about my situation so I decided to take my curiosity to the Web and stumbled across this blog which feels like a small MA meeting ‘Mistresses Anonymous’ (smile). First I want to confess that I am involved with a married man, yes it will be coming up on two years and I can say that if he hadn’t told me from the beginning that he was involved I would have never known it.It works as a ‘normal’ relationship. The calls, love, gifts all of that but I look at myself and wonder where my conscious is sometimes because I say in all fairness, I am a woman, do I want to be cheated on and hurt, or am I the pig. Well, yes in light I am (the pig) if I am looking to bash my decisions and find confidence in social opinion, but if you pose the question for yourselves it may be a little different. I knew from day one that my lover was hitched, and I didn’t bat an eye, because I said this is dinner, this is a one night thing, you’re here, I’m here and well you get the rest…the night of me playing kitten turned into a relationship. This comment may furrow the brow of a few readers, but I will give you an opinion that may be distasteful to some but it’s my truth so don’t be so upset at me. Take a look back at where you stood before Mr. Married walked into your life and heart. Were you wallowing in self pity, dealing with antics that caused depression, or were you just living life. I ask that you really pay attention to the question. I’m no psychologist (I see you nodded’ yes I know’ thank God), but I am human. So are you. You made a choice, regardless of what you see the decision as- bad or good it was a decision and it takes two. This is not a finger pointing moment but it is when it’s a relationship. If the relationship causes you great harm mentally, physically, emotionally, move on, but if it works for you ( and only you) stay until you feel that you need to move on, if that happens. It may or may not but if you’re beating yourself up then its guilt and you can either deal with it or remove it, removing it may be looking at the situation for what it is and taking a step to do something to improve it. To tell you the truth, if you’re going nuts over your decision and wondering if this choice will pivot to other bad decisions then you can only answer that. Trust me, I’ve made a few bad decisions before I ever met my lover, but they were lessons that I needed the time. Also any relationship no matter who the players are has its faults. I’ve never been married, but I’ve cheated in relationships. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been in good wholesome ones too that ended with two people leaving as friends. All that, its life (you know this). No magazine, or blog, or opinionated ‘other’ woman can tell you what you want. You have to ask yourself is this something you want, do I want children with a family and a present father, will I wait on this? Is this hindering your career, your dreams, is this person motivating you at all, and I don’t mean with nice blingy gifts either (although their quite nice) but is he? Do you have rules that don’t get crossed? Of course, I get mad at him, and sad, and tired and happy and excited too -all those feelings. I know things aren’t great at home (he wouldn’t be over here if it weren’t) I care—to an extent, but I don’t empathize with all the struggles because that is his life not mine. I am content, because I have what makes me happy. I know I can find a great single man, I have before, but this is my choice for now and if I stay or go it is my own. He doesn’t hinder anything I do, and he is not in my way, nor is he a crutch, but he is someone I love and will always love, no matter if we stay together or not. So ladies who are in a mental bind, ask yourself if this feels right in your heart, no matter what the script says. I learned this from a woman much older than me, a woman who has it all, and lives a great life, but she was the other woman for a while and noted that it was her choice and she was happy, the relationship faded because that what they (relationships) sometimes do but she doesn’t have any regrets for what they had. If you’re looking for him to leave his marriage because it makes you uncomfortable then you take the step to leave because he may never walk away. But if you feel uncomfortable because of what the outside world says then you need to find out what makes you happy. We make ourselves happy first before others can, and if your lover is an honest addition to that happiness, then so be it, but it’s up to you to answer that.I hope this helps…Respectfully,The Other Woman
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Do you realize it isn't any one's job on the entire planet to keep a person happy? It isn't the dark ages, women are not obligated to do this for men no matter what. It is each person's own responsibility to keep themselves happy, and they should never do this at anyone else's expense! That is happening with you. You are trying to keep him happy and you are suffering. That is not right. That is unfair and it can damage your spiritual health and physical health because of you being so miserable. Sure there may be some happy moments, but they ARE NOT WORTH THE COST to you. I have been there. IT will never stop until you let go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I wrote the May 7 and May 8th posts. I can say, a month out that it does get better, much better. To the last post, I say get out of it. I loved and still do love the married man I was with. 99.9% of MM don't leave. My old boss found out her husband was having an affair. They didn't have any children and with now having to really take a harsh look at his marriage, he decided to leave. He moved from NYC to Florida to be with the other woman. They eventually married. Extremely rare. What I had to ask myself and what I pose to you is what is it that you are getting out of this and why are you allowing yourself to play second "fiddle?" For me, it was convenience, at least in the beginning. I am a single mother with a demanding job and the relationship was easy. We saw each other when we wanted to and there was no pressure. I told myself that I was having a good time and both of our needs were being met. He and I would have lengthy discussions about his marriage. I would probe him about why he stayed in a situation that he claims is so unfulfilling. Wouldn't he want something better for himself and for his wife? It didn't make sense to me. He admitted that they were uncompatible and I don't think even to this day, he has ever provided a "real" answer to that question. He said a lot of it is "comfort." I had to stop asking him the questions and ask myself, what difference does it make? He's not leaving. I had to figure out how to give myself what he was giving me in a healthy way. A relationship with a married man is not healthy. He was always good at analyzing my life and everyone else's but that same analysis was always absent from his own life. I think because he was afraid of what he might see. I can't fix him and you can't fix your married man either. The withdrawal is real. There were days I felt like I couldn't get out of bed but I did. I kept going. NOw a month later, I am better. I started seeing a therapist again but at least I am getting the help. He has moved on, he calls occasionally to see how am I doing and we shoot the breeze but as someone indicated we cannot be friends. The "elephant" is always in the room and no one talks about it. I had some of the best sex in my life with him. This was a man that made me comfortable with my body, my sexuality and my sensuality. We took vacations together, spoke on a daily basis, enjoyed couples massages. Hell yeah, I miss him. I'll probably always love him and I believe he loved me. He taught me a lot. When he calls, my heart still skips a beat and if he left his wife, I am sure my first instinct would be to run to him. But I am stronger than I thought. Each day gets easier. In the end, it's your decision and no one here can judge as we have all been there but from one other woman to another, love yourself more to want better for yourself. If he does leave his wife, you don't want it to be because of you. You want him to come to you as a whole person, strong in his decision and his committment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Hello everyone I am so glad to have found you. I too am in love --desperatley in love with a married man. I have simliliar siutaions 0 stolen moments, sneaking aorund in cars...secret emails, secret texts..the whole bit and ofcourse I want MORE...but he says he can not slit up with his wife for 5 more years until his children are of a certain age. His marriage is uneventful and I read above about being an enabler for him and I guess that is what I am doing. Yes I do also feel second and jealous of his wife really. He is sooo handsome and he really turns me on. I know it is hurting me being with him as I want more and he can't give it. Do I just be cool and get what I can get for now and wait or do I end it??
I tried ending it but there is no way I can love without him. I only see him once a week and we talk everyday via email. I too am married but I m close to separating. I daydream so much of being with my married man..I know it could be awesome. I wish we could be together NOW.I wish he would break up with her so we can live our lives now together not 5 years from now.
Doing this is so addictive for me so breaking up is truly hard to do as if you are anything like me you crave him and will drop everything to see him.
Really by keeping busy and doing things yu like to do will help out with the withdrawl. To me breaking u with my guy would mean mourning his loss and also as if experiecing withdrawl symptoms.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): just forget him. sorry
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): My relationship with my married man has ended because his wife found out and he says he has to at least try and make it work for their child. He is getting counselling and has stopped contact with me. It is breaking my heart, but my head knows that I would not want to be responsible for breaking up their family, that I would not want him to resent me if he left for me and it didn’t work out, and that until he gets his own issues sorted I could never trust him. I also don’t know if you can build a lasting relationship straight out of an affair and through their divorce etc. What I want to know is does this ever work out in the end? I am still hoping he will realise his marriage is over on his own, will leave with no influence from me, and we will be together at the right time. Would they really rather be unhappy for the rest of their life with her and lose the one who made them happiest? Why? Is it really so wrong to have married the wrong person and get a second chance at love?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): To the lady that wrote on the 30th of May, I am the lady who wrote on the 23rd of May. Everything you said is true and I can see now that you are right about looking for closure. I might be in denial but it does help to believe deep down he still wants to be with me. It has only been three weeks, and if denial is what I need to get through until time takes the pain away I think that is ok. The other things that help are focus…focus on other things, make yourself busy with work etc and if he enters your mind force yourself to think of something else. Also, find someone to talk to. Our relationship was secret from even our closest friends. Friends will be sympathetic when you are sad, angry when you are angry, and bring you back to the reality of it all (would you ever really trust him, would you want to feel responsible for their family break-up etc). The best advice they have given me is if it’s meant to be it will be. There is nothing you can do about it, if he knows where you stand then it is all up to him, so you just have to let it be.
The other thing that helps is that I do believe his feelings were real, that he never lied to me, and that he isn’t in love with his wife. It might be denial again but his friends have confirmed this. He is just weak. To the lady who wrote on the 1st of June, I too now see he is a coward afraid to face the pathetic life he had with his wife. He is also totally deluded! He wants so badly to have the perfect marriage and family but it doesn’t exist! He is too weak to leave the marriage even though it has been over for a long time. He doesn’t love her, he will do it again, but he is holding on to an illusion that they present to the rest of the world. She is the same. She knows about it all but will not leave him or let him leave her. Even when he told her he doesn’t love her and can’t promise he won’t do it again. So they can live their lie and I will eventually be happy again.
To the lady who wrote on the 30th of May to the lady on the 7th of June, I too wished we could at least be friends, but you have convinced me it would just prolong the pain. Although I am still waiting for him, deep down hoping we will still be together one day, I would rather believe he is missing me and wondering what I’m doing then have get to have my friendship and me realising he is over me. It would destroy me to hear how happy he is, and about the things he is doing with his wife! If you are still friends with him you should cut him off. If he doesn’t want to be with you then he doesn’t deserve your friendship and has NO right to tell you who to date! Just get away from him and begin to heal. If he does want to be with you then it will take you moving on for him to realise it. They will never leave if they are getting their needs met by you in any way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): I just ended a 4.5 month affair with a MM. The last conversation we had was the one where i asked him why he thought it was appropriate to cheat on his wife. his reaction was frightening to say the least and (thankfully) has put me off ever letting something as stupid as an affair happen again. Our conversation lead me to challenging him on the fact that again in the future, another woman would be sitting in my place, doing the same thing, feeling the same hurt. Or worse, his wife and children would find out that time and things would be 10 times worse etc. This REALLY upset him as he hadn't been able to take the affair seriously. For him it was some sort of compartment in his life that was separate from his married one and therefore did no harm. He was so upset by my comments and straight-talking that he insisted we leave the restaurant. We shared a taxi briefly and he was silently fuming - all he could say was "so was there anything else you wanted to ask me?". I left the taxi feeling empowered and relieved. I could see him for what he really was - a coward afraid to face the pathetic life he had with his wife. He later texted me to apologize for his behavious and to say that it was an awful experience for him - i'd held up a mirror to him and he didn't like what he saw. he said he's deluded.
Deluded to say the least!!!!!
Ladies, don't wast another moment of valuable time. Get out while you can and if you feel you can't, challenge your MM on the burning questions like I did. I guarantee the answers will be enough to put you off EVER doing this again.
Of course, I feel sad, I feel a little lonely, hurt and deceived by him, but I would rather feel this than face more misery by deception!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): To the lady who wrote on May 7th about wishing they could have ended it so they would remain friends, if my experience is anything like what it would have been like for you - be glad that you aren't trying to be friends. It's awful, a new kind of pain because you both sit there pretending that you don't have feelings. Now you have the secrecy, the longing, the frustrated desire - the temptation - without the benefit of at least being told how much he cares or the physical expression. It feels like one big lie. He tells you that you are "such good friends" and sits oblivious to your pain, or worse, dances in and out of the emotion without ever really admitting anything that would make him feel guilty. You try to fool yourself that you aren't waiting for him, hoping that things will change and he realizes how much he loves you. Try sitting with him when he talks to other people about how happy he is with his family and starts telling stories about them. Watch him then get angry and lash out at you as you try to move on and start talking about men you date.I used to think that I loved him so much that I needed him in my life even if it was this. Now, a year or so later, I realize it's just more unhappiness that keeps me from truly healing and moving on. I'm sorry :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): To the lady who wrote on May 23rd - I can tell you that having him look you in the eye and tell you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore is not going to help you have closure. It only makes you feel more like garbage than you do now. If you stop talking to him, how you feel now is the worst you will ever feel. It gets better in time. If you keep pushing for "closure" it sets you back to how you feel now, or worse, because now you have the memory of him doing that.What you are suffering from is probably what I did, where you believe that love can conquer all and if he truly loved you, he couldn't walk away from you. Or you hope you can convince him to choose you. I think the saddest but best thing that happened to me through my situation is learning that love is NOT enough. He can love you, he could have been telling the truth. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day intent and action is all that matters. Men can and do walk away from their feelings and compartmentalize them as if they were never there to begin with.It's a bitter pill to swallow when you grow up wanting to believe in soul mates and fairy tales, but life is so much more complicated :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I myself am in a situation like this. I start at the beggining. I met him when i was 18, just out of high school and a 3 year relationship. We hung out as friends, he was single at the time an soon we were in a serious relationship. We had a child together, got a place an were engaged. Three years later, after a very rocky relationship we split up. Not long after we were giving it another try, going to work on our problems. He met a girl, she was crazy about him, bought him things, paid for everything. When he was with her he didnt have to do anything because she didnt care. Well we never stopped, even when he waws dating her we were still together. He had always told me he loved me, an we had planned to move away from here an start over. Things had there ups an downs but she never left him.She knows that he was with me the entire time he was with her but she put all blame on me an continued her relationship with him. When he got engaged and she found out about us, I put a stop to it all. I even had started dating someone, but I wasnt ready for that with someone else. I dont know if I could ever love someone the way that i love him. It was 13 months since we had been together. Well last week he was away on business and he called. I know he is miserable with the girl, but he feels stuck now becasue she is pregnant. Today we slept together. And i know this is wrong, but I dont know how to walk away. We have a child together so there is no way that i can do the no contact thing. Im sure the wife knows what is happening again, he sent her an email the other day that was ment for me. So she is begginig to question him again about everything. He already has to check in with her on anythign he does, I just dont know what he is doing with her. I feel like im letting myself down because i continue to let him back in after all the hurt over the last 6 years but i dont know how to let him go. There is some reason why after all the thing that have gone on in the past (on both parts) that he will come back. I had even told her about us before, but he comes to me knowing that could easily happen again. If heloved her why would he risk it all jsut to me with me? I know he was under alot of pressure to marry her from his family and he is not one to stand up for him self but this isnt fair! i love him an an i know that he loves me, but he picked her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Based upon my experience, affairs and "other" women are DISTRACTIONS AND ENABLERS of the MM. We ENABLE THEM, by helping them feel content and comfortable in their allegedly unhappy, lifeless and boring marriage. We make it easier for them to stay in their current situation, instead of confronting their problematic issues. We help them runaway, make excuses and justify the involvement, because we love them and believe in them. Mistakenly, we put them first instead of ourselved, while we really are only mere conveniences. In the end, we're always second....always an afterthought, compared to everything else in their lives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): I was involved with someone for nearly three years. In the beginning, he was wonderful....a dream. As time went on, he became distant and inconsistent. He always attributed his behavior to work, his "busy" schedule and jugging to balance his life, as a single, divorced dad. More and more our time and communication became limited. Our time together involved stolen moments, basically. Whenever, I tried to talk about the changes in our relationship and his behavior, he continued to blame everything on work. I wanted to believe him, but my gut knew this was not the truth. So, I began to question, if he indeed was truly divorced, contrary to being emotionally unavailable and committment phobic. After too many episodes of crying out of utter confusion, doubt/self-doubt, lonliness, false promises and him constantly disappointing me, I decided to let it go. It was struggle, especially, when we did have contact and I foolishly allowed him back in my life. In the midst of my attempts to let to go, I tried internet dating. Well, much to my surprise, I found several internet dating profiles for him too. I was shocked by what I found on his profiles. He identified himself, in different profiles, as single, divorced and MARRIED/BORED. I was hurt, devastated and dumbfounded but it explained so much. I even found some "nude pics" of him, under some fake profiles, but I still recognized his body. This man has been doing this for a long time. I now realize this is how, he has cheated on his wife, as well. I confronted him with this but denies his internet dating involvement. Along with that, he has not acknowledged THE LIE, about his 'MARRIAGE' not DIVORCE. I GET SO ANGRY, WHENEVER, I THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS....I'm angry and disappointed in myself and him, as well. After nearly a year, I have avoided relationships or dating, because of my experience with him and my past relationships. I do have trust issues with men and myself. However, I really have to rationalize this and maintain some perspective, because I do feel "my someone" does exist, regardless of my past mistakes in choosing my significant others. Also, I can't allow him or my past to have power over my life....I have to choose to learn from my past but not live in it. I saw him, recently, after he desperately tried to get my attention. I have been avoiding him, because I couldn't deal with any of this. Fortunately, I'm stronger now but seeing him is only a reminder of his ongoing behavior, cowardice and deception. I can only rely on the fact, "The World Does Take Care of Itself".....hopefully, he will grow up and face his accountability, before the universe chooses to do otherwise. BE ENCOURAGED, LADIES....GROW DAILY IN WISDOM & STRENGTH...
All feedback is welcomed.
DECEIVED
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): You know it's wrong. You know it will come out eventually. You know people will be hurt, including yourself. You are so ashamed that you don’t even tell your closest friends. But you love them so much you can’t believe it could be wrong.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I've been with a MM for 6 years, have finally come to my senses and am in process of ending it. At the onset of our affair he wasn't yet married, only engaged. It was purely a physical relationship, however we were friends and he confided in me that both of them had serious doubts they should marry. As the date neared, and it was apparent they were going thru with it, he said our relationship would have to stop. I agreed, which was easy as I had no real feelings for him at that point. One week after he returned from his honeymoon, he was back on my doorstep, and the affair continued. About a year and a half into our "relationship", things began to change for both of us. We fell in love. The first time he told me he was leaving his wife was FOUR years ago. May 2004. He actually left her in Nov 2004 and I was thrilled! Until he returned to her after 6 weeks. He came back very shortly thereafter, and like a total fool, I took him back. He's left her several times since then, and he's ALWAYS GONE BACK. Each time i'm absolutely devastated, each time I take him back. I tried to justify it - life with him as a MM is better then life without him, he'll leave her one day for good, etc. Nothing was comforting. His wife knows all about me and has for nearly 4 years, has caught him at my house many times, she and I have exchanged emails, etc and yet she stays. He's a wonderful man and as odd as it sounds even to me, i can't imagine loving anyone this way again. He says the same thing but yet, HE DOESN'T CHOOSE ME. So here is the truth ladies - simply put, don't listen to a MM's words - only consider his ACTIONS. MM do not leave their wives. There's always a reason its "just not the right time". As in love as we are, as mediocre as he claims his marriage is, they have no children, no financial ties (she owns the house, they have no shared bank accounts, etc), her family doesn't like him, she didn't even take his last name - they're going to stick together. I read a great quote you should take to heart - I did. It was said to a woman who was contemplating, with great trepidation, ending her four year affair with a married man - "the only thing worse then wasting four years with a married man, is wasting four years AND ONE DAY." I'm in the process of ending this relationship because I finally accepted the truth and man, is it hard. But it just became enough. I had to do it until I was done. If you find yourself in this situation there comes a point where you have to think logically and realistically. Don't delude yourself - "we're different"; "I just know he's going to leave her", etc. You gotta get your mind, life and body into another realm of existence - busy yourself with things you enjoy, force yourself to go out and socialize, pour yourself into your job, exercise, write in your journal but most importantly, keep telling yourself you did the right thing and be proud knowing you took back control of your life instead of allowing him/your relationship to control it. Sure you're gonna cry, but don't wallow in your pain - it makes it worse and does you no good. Get PROACTIVE. So if you're just starting up with a MM, END IT IMMEDIATELY and have ZERO CONTACT. You will save yourself SOOOO much unnecessary heartache by running as fast as possible in the other direction. If you're already in deep, give yourself a deadline - a personal ultimatum - of when you're going to give up and move on. And nothing ridiculous like "a year". A month or two max. And do not tell him anything about it. If the deadline comes and he hasn't left his wife, out you go and don't look back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Ok, so I'm reading these stories with tears in my eyes. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Now I feel like I am no longer alone, that at some point, some time, someone has felt the same way as I have. It's truly unbelievable what this world has in store for us. But we cannot control who we fall in love with. Perhaps its fate? But why doesn't fate all work out in the end? Everything is a big mess lately in my world. And I'm at a crucial point in my life where I cannot afford these mix-ups, yet I put everything aside for this MM. Thinking that one day, maybe... Realistically, I know it won't happen and I want to stop but I can't. Keep holding on, this happens its more normal then you probably think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): We ended things this morning for what seems like the 1000th time - our affair has been going on for over a year and a half. I want it to stick this time. It has to.
We spent the last few nights together and finally the reality of the ridiculous situation smacked me into reality. I finally get that he will never give me and is not capable of giving me what i need and deserve. I too, never thought I would get involved with a married man. When we met and first got physical he told me he was married after the fact. He lives in a different city and like an idiot i agreed to see him again when he was in town for work. He has been cheating on his wife throughout their 20+ year marriage - he told me all about his affairs. I believe his wife knows and turns a blind eye. I justified my bad behavior - the sex was great, i had not been in a relationship for a while, work was horrible and really, where could it go - i am smarter than that. He zeroed in on my vulnerability and told me everything a woman wants to hear - my head knew it was all bs but my heart wanted to believe. Over time, of course he cheated on me as well as his wife. The last few days revealed the depth of his selfishness - or perhaps i just choose to see it really clearly for the first time. Very few friends know the depth/length of the relationship as i was ashamed to admit i was seeing him. They would have pulled me away and knocked some sense into me. I am angry at myself for getting involved with a married man. At the same time i am sad and missing what never really was an amazing relationship. I stumbled on this sight and read every single post. I have never replied to a site before but i felt the need to thank you all for pulling me away and knocking some sense into me. The tears have stopped for now and it has kept me from contacting him today. I pray for strength to let go and forgiveness for betraying his innocent wife and kids. The stories all have a common thread - just stop it - we deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): My married man also left me two weeks ago when his wife found out. They have a daughter also, and he says he can't leave her. I feel the same way...I have been left alone to pick up the pieces while he trys to start over with his wife. He said all the same things to me that all the other married men have say (he is nothing without me etc etc). I can't believe I let this happen!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): I also fell completely in love with a married man. I never thought I would do something like this, but I have never loved anyone like I love him. I had the best year of my life with him. Even though he would always leave me to go home to his family, and he was only there for me when it was convenient for him.
He told me he has never really been in love before me, that he needs me and can’t imagine life without me. When it was too hard for me and I said I couldn’t do it anymore he begged me not to throw it all away. He would talk about our future, our home, our children, and all the things we would do together.
Then, two weeks ago, his wife found out. He has told me he can have no contact with me and that he needs to make it work with her for the sake of their child. He says he still loves me, and always will, but that he has made promises to his wife and he can’t loose his daughter. He said he is dead inside without me, but he can’t leave. He broke down when he was telling me this, and I know it was hard for him, but when it came down to it, he left me. He left me when I needed him the most. I have had to face everyone and deal with the heartbreak alone. My life is in pieces while he still has his wife, his family, and his life. I never wanted to break up a family, but I thought it was too special to throw away. He threw me away so quickly and now I am questioning everything we had. Now I’m reading this and all the stories are the same. I just can't believe everything we had was just a cliché.
I am not over our break up, and it feels like I never will be. I just want to see him and see if he still cares. I need him to look me in the eye and tell me it’s over to believe it. I’m just so confused. Was he really just using me? Even if it is over I need to know it was real.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is such a tough situation to be in, and we all have to ask ourselves, how did we get here? I'm sure we never thought "The One " would turn out to be Him, me and her. I can tell you first hand that breaking up and actually leaving him is going to hurt, it's going to be difficult and it's going to feel like there are days you just can't cope.
After our break up one thing that helped me was knowing that although I spent two years of my life with him, he also spent two years with me. However, that was the only thing that seemed fair. I felt so betrayed and so alone, yet he had her to go back to.
All the stories are the same, " He swears he loves me and will leave her, it's just not the right time. He tells me I'm his soul mate, He feels alive with me, we have such a special connection, he can't be without me, I'm his true love... etc.
My situation is a little different in the way that he was very manipulative to keep me where he wanted me. He never told me he would not leave his wife, in fact he told me dates he was going to file & lied about seeing attorneys. The dates were always pushed to future dates, but it left me with the hope.
Looking back, I realized he didn't love me, he lusted for me. If he loved me and if he loved you, he would never make you suffer through the agony and the pain that this type of relationship will bring about. He would never allow it to drag on and on. I think if any of these relationships work out, it's because he leaves within a certain period of time. If it's been a year and he had not left, the chances are he is never going to leave.
Let's face it, at that point why should he? He has the passion and excitement with us " when they want us " and the security of his wife to go back to.
I had to ask myself this very painful question, I've wasted two long years believing in his lies and hopes for our future, do I really want to waste one more moment of my life?
The pain may hurt when you leave & I understand how hard it is to take that step. But trust me when I tell you that if you stay the pain will become far worse, because deep inside you have to know " you deserve so much better " and what you are now doing is putting your life on hold so a man who canno't commit to you or his wife can enjoy himself temporailry are your expense.
I was devastated when I ended it and it took so much time to heal. But the happiness and the joy I feel today is far greater than any of the pain he caused. Try to focus on what life has in store for you, what person may be right around the corner for you. You will never find the right man when you are holding on to the wrong one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Am also a part of this situation.
Why do we get stuck in such stupid situations ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): As someone said before, "no contact" is the only way to get over the guy. I'm realizing that the hard way.
3 months ago, the MM said that he didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again.
I was absolutely devastated and in so much pain...totally besides myself, not able to function. How could someone who seemed so genuinely connected to me, abandon me so abruptly? I trusted him. I thought that we had grown so deeply attached to each other and couldn't imagine life without him.
But, after 2 months of no contact, I actually started to feel like I didn't care as much about him. I started to get detached and feel somewhat normal, like the way I did before he came in my life.
And then, 2 weeks ago, he called me. I really hesitated about whether I should call him back. But, in a moment of weakness I caved in and called. What a mistake that was.
Well, guess what? He is happier than ever now and things are smooth as pie in his life. It just confirmed what I had thought--that I was just a coping mechanism for him when he had his temporary setback. It was really painful to hear things he was saying...all the special things he was doing for his wife and how things are great now.
I felt incredibly cheap and used. And, I got sucked back into that black hole of horrible feelings---resentment, bitterness, and longing for him, missing him, yet hating him. So, now, I have to start from square one and try to heal again.
This guy knew from the beginning that he wouldn't take me seriously...as someone to have a future with. I was gullible and ate up what he told me, all those compliments, how he loved me, how he had never felt this way about anyone before, blah, blah, blah. They were all LIES. I really believed that he wanted to be with me instead of his wife, who he seemed so unhappy with. But, what I didn't realize is that he really wasn't so unhappy. And, that he didn't love me enough or at all to do anything about it. He was just temporarily lonely and needed validation.
I was just fine before he came in my life. I was not even attracted to him. And, I let him steal my heart, break it, and then throw me out like yesterday's garbage. It's a horrible feeling. I feel hollow, empty, lost, and damaged. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am trying hard to restore my soul.
So, I agree completely that no contact is the ONLY solution. He lives his happy life, the life he always wanted, and shattered mine. I am alone to pick up all the pieces. I was fooled and used. How is it right that he doesn't have to pay for what he has done? I regret so much that I let him do this to me. It will take a long, long time to heal.
Never, ever again will I be so stupid and naive!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I wrote the post dated May 7th but just read the post dated April 24th. It is very true. The man I was dealing with is very ambitious. He is well-known and respected in his community and in his church. He is actually in the process of becoming a clergyman within his church. A divorce would just delay that process if not, put a complete halt on it. We had a relationship off and on for 7 years. We ended it in 2001 when he made the decision to pursue this call from God. We remained friends. I moved on, had a child and we later reconnected in 2004 for a one-time fling. We connected again in 2006 and again in 2007, but through the years, we have always remained friends. I care about him and want good things for him as I believe he wants good things for me. He is good man but deeply confused. I never expected him to leave, never asked him to leave but deep down, I wanted him to choose me. His children are grown and out of the house. He knew I would always be there. I would be there to listen, to love, to care and I wouldn't demand anything from him. He also knew I wasn't a threat. I would never do anything to tell his wife or hurt his chances to become a clergyman. I still don't want to do any of those things. He says his wife wants the three of us to get together in one room and for him to apologize to me and to her and to make a choice. I told him I would do it, if that is what she needs to get closure as I feel like I owe her that. He said he doesn't want to do that or for me to have to endure it. His wife asked him if he loved me and he told me he said no. Then he says to me, "of course, that was a lie." I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that he did love me. Yesterday, two days after she found out about the affair, they left for a mission trip with their Bishop. His goal once she found out was to keep the trip together as it obviously, wouldn't look good if she was not there. So, here I am sitting at work crying. He asked me not tell anyone for fear that it might get out and exploit him but yet he has his wife to talk to. Despite the fact that he has cheated almost the length of his marriage, they are committed to one another. I can't worry about why someone would choose to stay in that situation. Even though I do, it really doesn't change the fact that he has made the decision to stay with someone he claims he is so incompatible with. He has become a drug to me. I loved this man so deeply and want and need to believe he loved me. I put him up on some sort of pedestal. He is just a man. A man with flaws just like everyone else. To quote the April 24th post, "Even though he didn't love his wife he stayed .. and is still with her. It's the power of that life they build with their wives, the joint friends, the church life, the political and business ties, the network of people who might judge them for leaving." For him it was goal to become a minister. While his lifestyle is completely contradictory to what he wants to do, it really isn't my place to judge. I made mistakes. I could have left. I consider myself a Christian but I stayed. We were arrogant to think that we could keep going and not get caught. It's only been 4 days and I am going through severe withdrawal symptoms - I am doubting myself, our relationship, the feelings he expressed for me, everything. I feel badly for hurting his wife. I feel like there is no end and because he is in another country now, making communication impossible, I feel lost. I know that the fact that he is gone for 2 weeks should probably help in getting over him as many people have suggested going "cold turkey." Any words of wisdom and advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Ladies, for those of you who have finally decided to let your MM go and are suffering tremendously from the loss of this break up. Please know you can survive this. For me the key was NO CONTACT, AT ALL. It sounds impossible to some, but truly it is the only way. I also found writing down my feelings to be very helpful, praying a lot, reading some wonderful books out there, and of course, time. It's now been 4 months since I walked away. It gets better now every day. I finally have peace and joy in my life again. Because of the negative bonding relationships like this cause us, I think we all end up struggling with what is real and compromise our integrity. There will be tension of wanting to call him, but don't! You can survive this too. Stay strong. Find yourself again and never go back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Well, there are a lot of us out there. I am 34 years old and I am in love with a married man. We have dated off and on for several years and I want to believe with everything in me that he doeslove me. We started off as friends and then became intimate. He claims that he and his wife are incompatible on every level and that he wishes we would have connected sooner. We have traveled together, spent weekends together and he has always treated me like a queen. His wife recently found out and of course, it hit the ceiling. He is about 20 years older than me and they have been married a little over 30 years. He has been unfaithful in the past but they have always worked it out. While this is the worse than in the past as she has hard evidence, she, while extremely hurt is still committed to working it out and of course, he wants to do the same. They don't leave! I knew he would never leave in my head and he never said he would but when we were together it felt so right, so good, that we both felt like we were perfect for one another. As the other woman, you start to think, "Hmmmm....maybe or what if?" That's a dangerous game to play. More than anything I value his friendship as we started off as friends so now that his wife knows, there can be no friendship. We should have ended it a long time ago. I don't want to believe that he was "stringing me along" but they have their agenda as we do as the other woman. We want to show them that we are better and then start to think we have the advantage when we don't. Their wives do. I never thought much about the holidays or birthdays or felt badly that we weren't together. I was okay with that as I have plenty of friends and family so that didn't concern me. I knew I loved him and he loved me. Because she just found out, I have not called him, emailed him or anything. I just wait to hear from him. It's definitely over. What we lived in was fantasy. Once his wife found out, everything became very real. Yes, he is the one married and he could have walked away but so could I. We share the blame in this situation. I love him and I probably always will. We had talked about ending it but neither one of us was strong enough to do it. If we would have ended it, before she would have found out, we could have remained friends as we have always been friends and avoided all the pain. What hurts more than anything is that now there is nothing? And it makes you doubt and question everything about that relationship and everything about yourself. I accepted part-time love as complete love. It's hard lesson learned. I just hope that we can at some point maintain some sort of friendship. He doesn't see that as possible as he told his wife that he wouldn't have any contact with me. When I pointed out that he is contacting me now, he said that he wants to make sure that I am okay and that he isn't going to abandon me. I am rambling. I guess I just needed to get it out. My point is they don't leave. We put them on some sort of pedestal and they are just as messed up as the rest of us, if not more so. We talked about ending things two days before she found out. Now, two days after our break up, I can't eat, I can't concentrate at work, I can't sleep. I am literally paralyzed. I woke up this morning and just felt hollow inside. It is not a good feeling. And now what's worse, because as the other woman, you tend to keep things to yourself, now, I am bearing a lot of the pain alone. It's embarrassing. I was able to confide in one friend who cried with me but this is going to be a long uphill road to recovery. I pray and I pray for what is right. I still want him and I know that's not right so I pray for what is right. I pray for healing for him and his wife and for myself. I pray for guidance and direction. I pray until I start to feel it and really believe that this is for the best. If you're in this situation, really know what you're getting into. I didn't listen to my friend who cautioned me but trust me, it doesn't end good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I'm new to this experience. I've been with a married man for just over a month. The one thing that I'm dealing with is guilt... They just had a baby the month before I started the relationship with him. It's getting harder by the day although I haven't made any demands of him. The other day he hinted towards us having kids although I personally do not want any at all. Every time I promise myself that I'll end it, when I see him, it's like the most difficult thing in the world to do and so I haven't yet. The one time I built up the courage to end it, he was so upset that I quickly back-pedalled. Aren't there any of these relationships that finally work out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): I posted before about my MM - I wanted to let you ladies know that what actually worked for me to move on was holding strong to no contact. I thought I was going to die the first couple of months, then it got somewhat easier.. until I could actually go a whole day without thinking about him. My self esteem is actually coming back. The damage that they do, that we let them do, can be undone. It's just hard.They don't leave their families. We all know that on some level, we just hope we will be the exception, the one who loved enough that we broke through the wall - like it's a fairytale. They DO need us, desperately, and we think that will motivate them to change; I know for me I was a coping mechanism for this man, and it helped him to think I was always an option that he could take if he ever did get too unhappy, not be alone. So while he doesn't want me full time, he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. That's no way to live.It's so sad that I had to learn that love is not enough, even being soulmates is not enough.I wanted to share a story I heard from a man I met, married with five kids - he had tears in his eyes during this story. Fifteen years ago he met his "soulmate" and had an affair with her that lasted for many, many years. Kept intending to leave his family, there was never a good time, but kept telling her it was right around the corner. Eventually she decided she needed better and met another man and got married. He clearly would have been fine with the situation continuing forever, he wanted her but he didn't want to change (she could have been stuck with half a life for decades!). Even though he didn't love his wife he stayed .. and is still with her. It's the power of that life they build with their wives, the joint friends, the church life, the political and business ties, the network of people who might judge them for leaving - in addition to having to look their children in the eye and say goodbye. No matter how wonderful you are, you are still the "other woman" and there is a deep amount of shame involved in looking at a child when part of the reason for breaking their heart is that the sex is better with you than the child's mother. For men, the pressure of all of that adds up to something much more powerful than love. The more ambitious or socially minded the man, the more this becomes a barrier.All we can do is stop when we know it is damaging us, try to avoid them pushing all of our buttons - they try hard to win us back over. Try to look at why we picked them, for me it's just one in a pattern of emotionally unavailable men, and now a really unavailable one. Try to learn and do better next time. I am sure it can be done! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Wow, just read all these postings and its so weird everyone is in the same situation to a certain degree.
I have been with a my MM for 4 years and its come to a head.
Known all along its not right. Thought I was on top of it.
Just the sexual excitement and experience of all the encounters. Well it nipped me in the butt. 4 years later im a wreck. Dont trust men and this literally destroys your self esteem and trust in men. How do we let these guys manipulate us? Such damage is unforgivable. Meanwhile they lead there happy lives with there wives. All in check. The damage they cause can be life altering. Is anyone concerned about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Oh my God if anybody is having difficulty coming to terms with the reality of having a relationship with a married man just read the answers to this question. Since 2005 there have been 229 answers from mostly women who are in very similar situations with men they met at work!!! Beware of the charming collegue/boss at work, if you've finally met your "soul mate" who just happens to be inconveniently married, run for the hills as fast as you can, your not the first and believe me you will not be the last!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I cant understand how I can be still with him. After all the tears...after all the hurt..I still long to be with him. I know he will never truly be mine so why do I keep going back to him? It will be two years living this crazy life. Each time we try to stop..we start up again. He does not intend on leaving his wife and children. And I am not exactly sure if I would want him to give up everything in his life for me. I argue with him only to go right back into his arms. He gives me only what he can of himself which is very little. I do deserve more..I do deserve a man who will love only me and want to be with only me. So I ask myself again ..what am I doing with a married man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Its strange how you can come and read about people going through the exact same thing you are going through... my situation i meet this guy through a mutual friends and we hit it off, i was seeing someone else but he told me he was single.. so after a couple of months everything started going good between us so i broke it off with my bf.. after 8 months of us going out, i get a phone call from this woman who is telling me that she's his wife... Being hurt would be an understatement... i loved him, and he told me he loved me too.. I thought nothing couldn't get any better than him, Him calling me early in the morning just to hear my voice... Even after i confronted him about his wife he denied her, just like he had denied me to her... We aren't seeing each other at the moment, but i still love him i can't stop thinking about me.. he still contacts me every now and then to see how i'm doing but each time my heart cries out for him i want wat we once had, even if he's still with her i don't care... LOVE SOMETHING MEANS MORE THAN ANYTHING
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Well, it hurts to read all of these similarities between what's going on in my life right now and the lives of so many other women.. yes.. because no matter how much I read I'm still hurt and I'm so weak to go back and say no... I can't go on with this!! some how I'm stuck, yeah.. perhaps I'm lying to myself, but there is a light at the end of the tunel that I'm following like a blind bug and probably I know my end will be burn and dead.. but what to do??? when reasoning doesn't make sence??? I know our common denominator is "loneliness" but there is some other situations were people really get separated and find happiness with someone else.. I don't understand why people needs to be inside a bad marriage or relationship??? and I think if a man is out there looking for someone else then his wife is just out of his heart, I know every situation is different since every human being is a complete diferent Universe.. and some people just live their lives as social rules say they should.. but I think we are here in this life searching for happiness and learning from situations.. and sometimes painful things makes us stronger and we should learn from it, and relationships are not a black and white issue there's no right and wrong at least we are just learning, making mistakes and doing better every time..I am a 38 year old woman, I was in a long bad relationship myself since I was 17 and had 3 kids with my "ex" and I was inside that horrible marriage for the sake of the kids until one day finally God hear me out and send this other woman to my ex's life, she fall for him, he told her how misserable he was with me..and all the same story married man tells over and over.. and after some years of long distance relations he moved out of my hoouse and in with her.. Finaly I was free!!! but after over 15 years with him I felt like an earthquaque happened. Sudendly I was alone and it took me a little while to realize how bad we humans get used to whatever life we lived.. good or bad we just get used to it.. that happened 4 years ago, and I was in search of a new beautiful true love.. yes I dated but nothing happened.. no real sparks and lighting, up until 3 months ago.. when someone from a love matching website contact me.. (yeah, I've tried them all... eharmony, match.com, and many more)and one of those profiles was for single parents yeahh how ironic.. he found me... very nice.. inmediately conection.. tons of emails, long phone calls, and the kissing on the first date, love at first sight!!! for the first time in my life I was in love.. and he said the same, the sex was out of this world, wow what else could I ask for? I was the happiest woman ever, we share so much, we were conected up until one day my phone rings and I can see is him... so I answered as usual hi papi... just to feel like a knife just stabbed me in my chest.. it wasn't him.... it was his wife!! saying who she was and telling me not to miss him so much.. OMG!! it hurts.. really bad!! just that morning I had a bad dream where he say something I don't remember what and I woke up crying and with a weird feeling in my heart..but I was reieved when I realized it was just a dream.. so I sent him a text saying how much I miss him, and I guess she read it!! the idiot forgot his phone.. and he got caught!!! pain... pain..pain.. tears..tears.. tears.. my whole world collapased.. how could him??? after he say he loved me.. so many times... after he spent valentine's day and night with me?? (where was she??) I don't understand?? my first reaction was to run away, to scape.. but damn it!!! I'm so deep in love already!! and of course first thing he did was telling me is you who I love is you who I want to stay with... I don't want to hear explanations because he can be lying.. but some how I have my own bad first marriage experience and I'm hanging from the illusion that hey.. what if??? when two people don't love each other ok just say good bye and start over again.. but I have the bad felling that he lie and wasn't honest and hide his true status.. I don't know what to do.. this love thing is crazy.. and perhaps when you met someone in this life path is becasue of a reason.. but I have no clue of what I'm supposed to learn from this?? so I turned to God and asked for help.. and I decided to let the river run its way and see what happens.. if we are meant to be together then we will, if not then I 'll see what to do with my life!! I wish I could say sorry to his wife but it wasn't my fault, I didn't know about her.. and now she knows about me and I know she is hurt for the nasty message she left on my phone which I didn't even dare to listen to, I deleted it before even hearing it completly.. and changed my # also.. but things happens for a reason and even if she is hurt now may be life is telling her there is another better life waiting for her.. another man who loves her and won't cheat on her.. may be this happened for a reason, marriage is just a contract, a paper when there's no real love.. so there's no need to stay in one just becasue.. but if in the other hand there's a chance for them to be happy and love again I will understand and go away.. but for now he keeps saying he loves me.. and I'm so dumb for listening I know.. but that's what's happening now.. and as I said before, what if???? huh??? what if???
good luck to all and remember that happiness is not a destination is a highway!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Okay, there is no answer to this. I am a married woman of 10 years three children. My husband is supportive of me, I have a military career. Currently while overseas, I fell in love with a married man. What started as very good friends for 10 months greww intimate. Maybe its the hazards of being in an austere environment. I miss my family and he misses his. I know I love this man, but we have no intentions of wrecking our families for eachother. The day we step off the plane into our families arms will be the day it ends. But for now, if we can't be with the ones we love, love the ones we're with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Wow, I guess there are a lot of people in a similar situation. I met my man online. Ironically, I made an account on one of those sex sites to gain access to my husband's in order to understand what he was doing there in first place. Well, I ended up finding this page that was very honest in explaining that he was married. I became intrigued and decided to contact this person to see why he is so unhappy...thinking perhaps I'd find out why my husband always seems to be looking elsewhere. In addition to my insecurities about my husband's wandering eye..I was alone at home as hubby was deployed. After exchanging about 4 emails with the new mystery man, I realized he was not to different from myself. Moreover, the similarities we shared were in aspects of my life, my own husband didn't' understand and would often convince me were horrible and wrong. Oddly, one night my internet broke and as he was in the business of fixing that sort of thing, he asked if he could come over and help me. I had spoken to him quit a bit via email and had that one phone conversation with him, plus I had a pretty protective dog...so I said yes to his offer.
When he arrived, the attraction was instant. He is gorgeous. That night we talked a long while and I found out he married very young and had 4 children with his wife. Despite the taboo act we were committing, even just by talking....I could tell deep down, he is a very good person. Before he left, we couldn't help but kiss each other. It was the most relaxed, yet exciting experience to touch him and be touched by him. We stopped before we had sex...as if that makes us saints or something. As I was alone and his work allowed him to travel the city, we spent the next few months getting together at my house. After a few months of spending wonderful, relaxed evenings together he told me he loved me. When he told me, I cried..because I knew I loved him too. Unfortunately I also knew I couldn't have or openly be with this man that feels like the person god made for me. His children are all small and he is the most amazing father I've ever met. Knows pretty much everything about each and every one of his children. Lights up at the mere mention of them. At the same time, I am utterly confused about my marriage.
Before deployment, there were problems....but way before that...it was wonderful...or maybe I should just say hot and heavy. Wonderful might not be the right word. My husband cheated on me many times early in our relationship. After breaking up and getting back together so many times though...we decided to get married. Chalking all the turmoil up to growing up because we met at 16. I don't know though. Perhaps I was just rationalizing something that honestly wasn't rational. I think I'm not very good at understanding relationships because I was always very driven with school...not giving myself enough brain power to evaluate marriage better. Funny, I'll be a doctor in a few years...but I'm an idiot at marriage.
Anyway, today I visit the man I love when ever I can. My husband leaves quit often for military work and when he isn't leaving for that spends a lot time with his friends...on "boy's video game nights". Sadly, I'm finally fine with the neglect and the ways he tries to hold me down. Only because I have someone that makes me feel beautiful. I think of leaving him, but war really hurt him and I'm left afraid of putting him through any more then he has already been through. I guess despite resentment..I do feel love. Anyway, I am studying to be a doctor so that distracts me and in times when I need release and real relaxation my other man is there for me. It hurts not to spend my life with him. I actually wish I could see him taking care of his large group of children. I know they just love him like crazy. But...I couldn't bare asking him to move out before the youngest even learns to say daddy. Also, kids don't truly remember until 5 or older. What a weird situation. Anyway..whatever..interesting to see how so many people are in a similar situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I cant believe some of what I am reading. Being able to come here and read stories that match mine. Makes me feel not so alone in this world. I met this man 12 years ago. We worked together and his live-in girlfriend was our boss. They had a child together who was four at the time. He and I got very close, enjoyed each others company. Would go out and of course, the rumors around the office made things a little harder on us. People were starting to figure it all out. I ended up getting pregnant with his child and in order to make his life easier, I decided it was best for me to leave. So I did. Packed up and left the job and the city where we lived and worked and moved back to the small town I came from. I had our daughter and have raised her alone, without him for the past 10 years. He in the meantime, married his girlfriend and has had 2 more children with her. Last summer we saw each other for the first time in over 10 years. Since then, we have started all over again. Taking it slow and just talking, then seeing each other every Friday for lunch. Emailing and chatting all the time. Of course, he tells me that he is unhappy in his marriage, only married her for insurance reasons and that because I broke his heart when I left the city all the years before, I pretty much drove him back to his girlfriend. (He always claimed they were spliting and things were ending when we were together 12 years ago).
I was young then. I was heartbroken when I left him. I did it because never at one time did he ever tell me he loved me, he never showed me that he wanted me to be with him. He never actually left his girlfriend. I felt alone and used and I was pregnant. So I left. Now all these years later he tells me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and that he thought about me everyday since I left him all those years ago.
Now here I am, alot older, alot wiser and falling right back into his arms again. We have made love four times since August of 07'. He had made no mistake that he wont and cant leave his wife until the children are grown and gone. They youngest is 5. He tells me over and over again how he cant stand his wife, how they dont talk, dont make love, dont do anything and have not for years. That he loves me, and only me. He has never asked me to wait on him, but, at the same time, he claims he cant not be with me, that he is miserable and that I am on the only happiness he has ever known.
Am I stupid? He was my first love. The father of my daughter. He will always be a part of my life. But, now I have fallen for him all over again. His wife found out we were talking again and that I am back in his life through a cell phone bill that she has. He lied to her and told her that we just talk about our daughter and that sort of thing. If he really loved me, and if everything he says to me when we see each other and talk was really true then why wouldn't he want to be happy and end his marriage, make the best to do it the right way and then start a new life with me?
I guess I just needed to vent this out and see if I can make sense of what I am doing. I know the person this makes me for getting involved with him again. Sleeping with a married man. After I have typed all this out I think I see that he is feeding me a bunch of bull. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. A little something extra to add some excitement to a failing marriage. Who knows. Any input would be great. Thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I cant believe some of what I am reading. Being able to come here and read stories that match mine. Makes me feel not so alone in this world. I met this man 12 years ago. We worked together and his live-in girlfriend was our boss. They had a child together who was four at the time. He and I got very close, enjoyed each others company. Would go out and of course, the rumors around the office made things a little harder on us. People were starting to figure it all out. I ended up getting pregnant with his child and in order to make his life easier, I decided it was best for me to leave. So I did. Packed up and left the job and the city where we lived and worked and moved back to the small town I came from. I had our daughter and have raised her alone, without him for the past 10 years. He in the meantime, married his girlfriend and has had 2 more children with her. Last summer we saw each other for the first time in over 10 years. Since then, we have started all over again. Taking it slow and just talking, then seeing each other every Friday for lunch. Emailing and chatting all the time. Of course, he tells me that he is unhappy in his marriage, only married her for insurance reasons and that because I broke his heart when I left the city all the years before, I pretty much drove him back to his girlfriend. (He always claimed they were spliting and things were ending when we were together 12 years ago).I was young then. I was heartbroken when I left him. I did it because never at one time did he ever tell me he loved me, he never showed me that he wanted me to be with him. He never actually left his girlfriend. I felt alone and used and I was pregnant. So I left. Now all these years later he tells me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and that he thought about me everyday since I left him all those years ago.Now here I am, alot older, alot wiser and falling right back into his arms again. We have made love four times since August of 07'. He had made no mistake that he wont and cant leave his wife until the children are grown and gone. They youngest is 5. He tells me over and over again how he cant stand his wife, how they dont talk, dont make love, dont do anything and have not for years. That he loves me, and only me. He has never asked me to wait on him, but, at the same time, he claims he cant not be with me, that he is miserable and that I am on the only happiness he has ever known.Am I stupid? He was my first love. The father of my daughter. He will always be a part of my life. But, now I have fallen for him all over again. His wife found out we were talking again and that I am back in his life through a cell phone bill that she has. He lied to her and told her that we just talk about our daughter and that sort of thing. If he really loved me, and if everything he says to me when we see each other and talk was really true then why wouldn't he want to be happy and end his marriage, make the best to do it the right way and then start a new life with me? I guess I just needed to vent this out and see if I can make sense of what I am doing. I know the person this makes me for getting involved with him again. Sleeping with a married man. After I have typed all this out I think I see that he is feeding me a bunch of bull. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. A little something extra to add some excitement to a failing marriage. Who knows. Any input would be great. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): I have been involved with a married man for the past 5 1/2 years. We met through a friend. He was unhappy in his marriage, but not willing to end it and I was unhappy in my relationship as well. In the beginning we both had intended for it just be a strictly a sexual relationship, however, over the years we have become very close. He truly is my best friend. Well, in November of 06, he and his wife decided to separate. They sold their house and in April he moved away. He and I still were in contact daily. We have seen each other since he moved and it was wonderful. He is a beautiful person and I truly am in love with him. Well, right before thanksgiving of 07 his wife ran in to some financial problems, was lonely and wanted her marriage back. He felt that after their 20+ yr marriage, he owed her something and now she is living back together with him. I was crushed. He says he still loves me, that what they share is so different than what we share. He has come back to see him and we still talk, but not as often as we used to because his wife is there now. We have both tried to end things, but that just doesn't work. He plans on staying with his wife for at least the next 2 years and then wants to come back to me. I'm not a kid, I'm a grown woman with my own responsibilities. Am I wasting my life waiting on a man that may never be mine?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): wow i cant beleive it, this story is identical to mine. I also fell in love with a married man who works with me. He fell in love first and exclaimed it first too. He also claims to love his wife and is crazy about his children. Our relationship progressed very fast from being friends to very close friends to lovers. We had many complications during the course, the biggest being his marriage ofcourse.the funny thing is that he is not my type at all. i would have never imagined falling in love with him when i first met him. when i joined this company last year i just came out of a longterm very painful relationship and needed a shoulder to cry. he was there at the right time and so we got very close. I was comfortable with that cos he was married and commited and i thought i was still in love with my ex. all our likes and dislikes are the same. somehow we got inseperable and our friendship turned to passion then he actually said he loves me and struggles to stay away from me. and we fought a lot as well. I remember this one fight in particular when he thought i was flirting with a guy, he just blew up and left. i spent the whole weekend crying and waiting for his call. when he returned he looked devesatated, he hadnt shaved nor ironed his clothes, he even dropped weight in two days. he told me later that just to imagine that we ll be over he wasnt able to live. There was a lot of passion, tears and laughter in our relationship. After a while he started feeling very guilty about us. he told me that he is unable to go to his wife because he is not attracted to her anymore cos of me.I fell for this man for his character, warmth and attitude. he has had many problems in his life and has overcome them and not given up. despite all the problems he went through and is going through right now specially financially, he manages to keep a positive attitude.Although our religion allows second marriage for a man, he claims he cannot do this as this will destroy his children. anyway after much drama he decided to finish romantic ties and stay good friends.this kind of crap doesnt work i know it everyone knows it.he said if he stays with me as a lover he ll eventually divorce his wife cos he is strongly attracted to me making it difficult for him to have a normal relationship with his wife. after making this decision he seemed happy and less stressed. These days he just seems to be fine with everyhting in his life and he is giving more and more time to his family. it feels like nothing existed as if he never loved me. but i know he did, he is not the kind of guy who is ok with having affairs and leaving. no i have reason to beleive he was in love with me. He says he has never loved like he loved me and never met anyone like me and never felt the way he felt when he was with me. He also says eventhough he ll love me forever but he ll not say it nor show it and not even try to think about it. and he ll try to forgo and forget all the emotions he had for me. right now i m just devestated. i left one painful relation just to enter another more painful one. now that this is over too i m shattered. i just cant take it anymore. I have been depressed for such a long time I cant remember happiness. Although i pretend to be happy outside all the time, i cant show my pain to anyone in the world. I cant share my pain either cos i dont have any friends, the only friend i had was him.I have entertained the thought of abondoning life as it is.I came across this forum while checking on love with married man. i am sorry for a long ass post, i know its not an answer to the original post, just felt like sharing my feelings too. its good to know there are people out there who are going through the same thing and i m not alone in this. gives one a slight ray of hope
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): My MM? Why doesnt it matter to me if he treats me well, if he really cares, etc. I just love him and want him even knowing he is just using me. He likes to add notches to his bedpost and makes no secret that he persuing other women as he persues me. I must be insane. It hurts but I cant imagine walking away or ever feeling like this for anyone else. guess i'm hopeless.
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female
reader, Merve +, writes (2 March 2008):
I am 22,doin ma master in pharmacy and while i was doin work experience I fell i luv with a pharmacist 33, and met his wife at the same work place for 3 years. I became really good mates with both of them. Recently, We are seeing each other, he tells me that im his other half, he knew I was special wen he first met me but we dont date, we just go for dinner or coffee, he says in a joke that he finds me attractive and asks me whether I will consider sum1 like him.He does not clearly express his feelings maybe coz hez married and knows that he has no right! His wife really likes me too, she used to tell me how much she hates to live with him but stays in the marrige due to family pressure. They are married for 7 years and dnt hav kids, his wife is in her parents house now coz he asked her to think abt divorce. I think I fell for him because he is caring, we get on well, classy. I always wanna see him and he says he has time for me all the time. I feel a bit guilty too but I feel like hes the one coz hez deeper than the guys i met b4. What shall I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): You don’t love him, but wasting your youth, time, health, and, finally, your feelings, and your freedom. You shouldn’t! Women, who became mistresses of married men, most often, dissapointed in life and love, hopeless to find their only one, honest, darling, loving and careful man, who will never cheat and betray. Isn’t it a dream of all women? And instead of trusting, enjoying life, searching and struggling, she plunges into this maelstrom. May be HE is cheating, but not me, he’s cheating on his wife. HE seems to love me, otherwise why does he spend time with me? HE is careful, tender and loving. Of course, what else should he do? You know, you’re his favorite toy, no, you’re rather a hobby, like, for example, fishing, sauna, friends, beer. HE takes a rest from his family matters with you. And then he returns home, kisses his darling wife and a daughter, son, if he has them, tenderly. HE makes himself comfortable in front of TV, eats his tasty supper, HE enjoys life, having forgotten about you completely. And you are at the same time heatedly happy, as HE presented you so much “love”, and sad, as he’s not with you already. But you hope now HE feels the same, as you do, this way trying to calm yourself down. This repeats every time and this syndrome is called loneliness. You’re lonely, but HE is not. Quite the contrary, HE is happy. It flatters his self-esteem, that you’re loving and waiting for him, and that his wife is also loving and waiting him. And HE won’t break up with her because of you, HE can do it only for his sake, there can be many reasons. Then HE will come to you and, probably, even marry you, what is next to impossible. And will cheat on you. Well, why not, you know, hobby is hobby and he shouldn’t deprive himself of it. What a man HE is, if there’re no fishing, beer with friends and no mistress. That will never happen. You know, HE is a man!
And now, ask yourself: do you need this? Are there no other men? And don’t say yourself about big love. And that it suits you, and you’re not going to marry, you don’t need unwanted troubles etc. etc. Stop! Deep in your soul you know that this is not true. And don’t convince yourself of the opposite. And truth is in the fact that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of staying alone again, left with nothing. But you’re alone now too. And HE is not your man and never was and will be yours. Don’t be afraid! I can say you for sure, that if a married man swallowed you, then a singe one will not just swallow, but will just be crazy about you. Because married men don’t need second chop, they need the best to satisfy their ambition, their own significancy. So be brave! Break up with him, don’t feel sorry for him, as he doesn’t feel sorry for you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Like others I am extremely happy that I found this forum. I like reading through the responses and reading that yes, I am not alone. I am... considerabley (20+) years younger than my MM and a good distance (several states) away. Honestly we are the best example of age is simply a number. We must have been lovers in another life. Anyways, I am in no position to be looking for a potential life mate, so I was ok with moving forward with him. Way.. forward. I have major guilt trips, but it just feels so right. I am in no way attempting to justify my behavior but, our love, is deeper than anything I have EVER felt. What am I suppose to do? He is a tad bit possesive, his wife is BEAUTIFUL and the complete package, so it makes me wonder... WHY ME. WHAT ABOUT ME? Bored with marriage? Or does he really love me. I don't know... I am so confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I am in the middle of an emotional roller coaster ride with a MM. We've agreed to slow down, be friends, work associates only, and he needs to focus on his wife and five kids. I need to focus on my boyfriend and our four kids (2 his, 2 mine). I feel an emotional bond with the MM that I cannot find with my boyfriend... I feel complete when I talk to my MM, and lacking when talking to my boyfriend. We haven't had sex (intercourse) yet, because I am afraid of the emotional floodgates never being able to close.. but we have passionate kisses, fondling and oral. I am divorced because my ex cheated on me.. and now I'm doing the same thing to another woman! I am disgusted in my behavior, but almost feel like I can't control myself. We talked today just as friends, and decided that not seeing each other is best, then tonight he calls.. and says "I can't stop thinking about you.... I miss you so much." My heart melts, and I can't resist him. What is wrong with me? I am 39, educated, professional, attractive, financial secure, and I've been around the block.... and I'm in this position. Bitter women, please don't judge. It is an eye opener how needy the female heart truly is. God forbid someone catches us at a low moment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I don't know how to get out. It started as friends at work and I was married. My marriage fell apart and now am alone to raise my 9 year old while he is still with his wife and 2 children. I want to move on. I deserve as all of you do to beloved 100% of the time. Why I ask? I was in limbo and now I am awake only to relaize that I am in love with a married muslim morrocan man!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Boy am I glad I found this website...it's nice to know I'm not alone! I too am hung up on a guy I work with. We're both married...I never set out to be the other woman. Things at home are pretty stale and then all of a sudden this guy pretty much fell in my lap. Despite my early reservations, I fell hard. Unfortunately, not too long after things started heating up, he got cold feet. A friend had been through something similar and lost everything in his divorce as well as his job. He was terrified of being caught and ending up the same way and hurting his kids (he's nuts over his kids...which is a good thing!). Things got intimate, but never went all the way...unless you count really erotic emails after we had supposedly decided to just be friends and see what happened. Now he looks at me with these sad eyes and I just can't move on. My heart keeps hoping he'll come back, my head is telling me he won't. Changing jobs or locations isn't an option, so I still see him several times during the day. I've been playing it cool and limiting how much I talk to him, no emails, etc., but I just can't get him out of my head or my heart. I'm miserable. Being made to feel sexy and beautiful is heady stuff if you aren't getting it at home, but there's more to it than that. I know I'm attractive and I get lots of attention at work, but even that isn't helping.
So I'm glad to know I'm not alone. So many of these stories sound just like me!!! I never thought I'd find myself in this situation and frankly never thought much of people who did, but I have learned that life has a way of throwing you curveballs, no matter how secure you think things are. If anyone has found the secret to either getting him out of their heads, or making him come back...please share!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): oh my goodness thankyou for that self disclosure. i myself am in a similar situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Moonlight, I highly recommend the book "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man Without Losing Your Mind". It's funny and full of great advice for the high risk situation we find ourselves in, the common pitfalls, and the emotions to be aware of. You may not have closure, per se, but at least if you do what you are doing and trying to go on with your life, you are doing all you can do to move forward. It's frustrating, and I'm doing it myself. Hard to move on when you really don't want to, but sometimes it's all you can do...
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reader, moonlight +, writes (16 January 2008):
Firstly, most of the women here have fallen for a MM so don't judge. We already know it's "wrong" and "forbidden", etc. Too late, it happened. Second, stop evoking "God". People do what they are compelled to; there is no puppeteer pulling the strings on this.
My MM approached me and we started a friendship, innocent lunches together but a huge chemical pull. Only at the 3rd lunch did I notice his ring. I backed off and he was hurt, kept calling upon me and saying he's fallen in love with me. I believe he had. Supposedly his marriage was on auto-pilot for 3 years and he stays for his young son. Though, after we fell for each other, he hired a divorce lawyer and so did his wife (she isn't happy in the marriage either, but stays for the son, so there's no "poor betrayed wife" fighting for the marriage here).
A therapist told me that cheating men normally don't actually leave the marriage until there's someone else in the picture. Of course, he only parsed his time with me (no evenings/no weekends) while continuing to gush over me and bring flowers and cards and flattering me like silly. We only made love a few times because of time constraints: the relationship was mainly emotional. So NO - he wasn't in it just for the sex because we barely had sex.
Finally I figured out that he was getting his needs met by me, and I was not getting my needs met at all. I moved out of state (which I'd been contemplating anyway) and he flipped out, but he (and I give him some credit) said that he had no right to stop me from moving on to somewhere I'd be happy and to someone who could give me what I deserve. he said that when he leaves his marriage, he'll come get me if I want him. (it could be years of course). The relationship has continued with intense phone calls and emails, but he now seems distracted (I believe without my presence, the excitement for him is waning) and he contacts me less. The same is true for me, but I am still in love with him. There is no switch to turn love on and off, okay?
So now I'm trying the No Contact technique to see if I can wean myself. I haven't thrown away his mushy cards or deleted emails, but I've started to date a bit. He is still in touch but hasn't tried to drum up more contact with me. I'm hurt, but in a way it's a gift, because it should help me pull away.
Okay, so it seems like I pretty much know what's going on? But there's one puzzle - in fact I'm still in love with him and I feel like I need CLOSURE! And closure I'm not going to get from him, because why would he close the door? His motto is "never say never" and "we'll be together one day if we're meant to be". Is there a wise soul out there who can tell me how she obtained closure without the participation of the MM? I don't want to say "eff you" and slam the door, but I do want to move on to someone who is 100% dedicated. Thank you and I wish you the best that you all deserve. Awaiting any wisdom....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Anonymous,
First of all...I really feel for you...I am in almost the SAME situation! Also, in love with a married man- 2 kids, and not 'the cat's meow,' if you will? I feel in love with his spirit and charisma. We work closely together and I know that his lying and cheating will do me no justice. You are only 20- I am 27...he is 33. My feelings of lonliness and regret plague me. It is hard to even work at times.
Often he will tell me lies (stories that anyone in the their right mind know are lies). I want so desperately to believe him! I just cannot anymore.
It makes it so much more difficult to work with the source of your pain, doesn't it?! Thinking that people at work may find out (among other things).
Just rememeber "everthing will be o.k." You are young, and have so much to offer this big world.
If you make a pledge to change- I will.
Please respond if you need to talk. Hang in there. As cliche as it sounds, there are MANY fish in the sea....we BOTH need to remember that.
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