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anonymous
writes: Hi, i hope you can help me out of this absurd situation.i fell in love with a guy i work with in the same office, he is married, with two kids. out of guilt we both called it a very close friendship, then he called me his soul mate and then his everlasting love... we went from friends to lovers and very intimate. we have very similar likes and dislikes and over one hundred sms's are sent most days. its nearly one and a half years since i know him, and even tho there are very complicated issues, our good times together have been blissful.the complications are the fact that he is married, and he claims he loves his wife. because of our religion, he anyway would be unable to marry me, and he does not regret his decision to marry her, although if he could he would definatly leave her for me. he is 24 I am 20, his wife is 30. she is no great shakes, characterwise and appearancewise, and nor is he, but i fell in love with his character and warmth..he tells me explicitly about his marriage and is forever sending me emails of imaginary scenes of us living together etc etcI am not a very trusting person and at first was very doubtful about all of it...but i came to trust him very much and love him like i have never loved before.but i know there is no point in this relationship if he is taken and even tho its something i hold dearest, its pointless.only last week, after a very difficult heated argument, he made a decision that we will stop being lovers and start being friends. he claimed this was for me, so that i can start getting on with my life and he did this cos he loves me and cares... i was broken, cried and cried i couldnt fuction, i am still very shocked but i knew he wont cope without me, because he is very clingy, many times he is too clingy. and yes after all my tears and reasoning i said, fine you want this then give me my space, dont come visit dont bug me with your messages. he couldnt take that, he behaved so immature and said im ripping his heart out.Im so stuck now, i really do want to get out of this and start my own life with someone special but, its so hard because im still so attached, but have lost trust in him. i dont understand any of this. when i am with him, like yesterday, we were so happy together, i tried desperatly hard not to express any passionate feelings, he actually couldnt control himself and did express it. he also felt happier because he was in a state since that decision. I know that when im in a bad mood he gets into one and when im happy he is, so yesterday we were fine and when in the evening he didnt contact me for a good two hours i knew he is busy with his wife. it hurts but i know its not my business, i just feel so used and im trying so hard to understand and forgive and im not really gaining anything in return. i know that when we are not ok and were in a fight, he does not get hot and is very unhappy, so i know im the one that needs to keep him content so that he should be able to function normally and love his wife and get on with his work and day to day schedule... and so today, he is not coming to visit because he is busy, he is working from home, and i am alone in an empty office, and i once again have those mistrusting let down feelings which is painfull, but i know i have to keep him happy even tho im sad... where do i go from here????im sorry this is so long but i wanted to share details aswell... please give me some practical advice, what should be my next step.Many many thanks
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fell in love, I work with, immature, married man, soulmate Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): Ladies, all of your writings have common denominators that I recognise all too well. These men who have been messing you around are using you to sustain their unhappy marriages of which they have no intention of leaving. If they truly loved you they would do the right thing and leave their wives. I understand what you are all going through - having just gone through it myself. These are men who want to have their cake and eat it - and you are allowing them to do this! You are helping the MM's marriage to survive because you are fulfilling a missing component in the MM's marriage, which could be sex, communication or maybe a combination of things. These men are just 'users' and you deserve better. Don't help MM to keep his marriage surviving by being a surrogate wife who gets nothing but heartache.Remember, if he will cheat on his wife then he will cheat on you. Once a cheater - always a cheater. It hurts to let them go but you will overcome it - and its not worth losing your sanity for. My ex MM came back into my life after 10 months of getting over him purely to upset me again - he made out that he had missed me and then started playing the mind games and he succeeded in upsetting me, yet again. Turns out he just wanted sex! Can you believe what a shallow piece of Sh** he really is?I've now regained my inner strength - which didn't take long to do and next time he tries to contact me I'll tell him where to get off. Who needs heartbreak and upset when there's a better life waiting for you! Ditch the sad MM's and go find happiness - its out there waiting for you. Try reading Paul McKenna - the self help techniques regarding relationship break up really do help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): I am just amazed on how many women are going through the same experience and sadly, it makes me feel much better and at the same time more stupid. It seems that all MM tell about the same lies (they might believe in them a little bit too), how could I so sincerely believe him? I have been involved with a MM for a year and a half now. We work together and he is a pretty amazing professional, more like a star. He took me under his wing and from day one professed his love for me. I was 28 and he 42 at the time, and he seemed to be the most caring loving man I had ever met. I am married and he is also married with two children. At first none of us thought of leaving our spouses, but then it became unbearable for me to stand the thought that he belongs in someone else's bed and that our relationship is "wrong". I decided to break it off. We lasted for about a month and he declared that he is leaving his wife to build a future with me. I was extatic and terrified at the same time. I love him so much it borders addiction. And I know he feels the same. Guess what? He keeps dragging the time out, in two months, in three months and that was 6 months ago. I just found out that him and his family are going on vacation together. Lovely... He finally broke down and admitted he couldn't risk everything to be with me. And although honesty is what I wanted most, now I am in agony. And although I feel I'm losing sanity, I will never ask him to be with me, I will pretend that I think it's the best decision... But I will always wonder: "what if he has been brave?", "what will we never know?". You know ladies, these questions are pointless, really. The answer is simple: "nothing! He just doesn't want to!" Why is that the less men love women the more we love them? We truly deserve better. We need to take away important lessons and move on. You need to leave the stage while the applause is still on. I made a mistake and returned to the relationship. Give him back to his wife, allow him to go back. If you are in a similar situation, don't turn around, leave immediately. Yes, it hurts. And it will. But then it will heal and you'll be happy again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Hello I don't think you gave your name so I'm just going to give you a little insight on your questioN. I am 22 years of age and I have experienced alot of let down relationships. You stated in your question that because of his religion he is staying with his wife. In his religion does it state that thou shall not commit adultery. Also the position that you have chosen to take you are breaking a convenant that two people have with God. Honey I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. Once you settle down and get a husband you will remember all the things that this married man did to get away from his wife. Then the insecurities will set in with you and your husband. I believe that you need to pray about what's going on and get out of the situation as fast as you can. Please take it from someone who knows.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Wow I’m so glad I came across this page… A few months ago I went on a dating site and met a man.. he claimed to be single and was kinda weird about having a casual relationship.. I just thought he was some sort of commitment phobic… He was overseas for work so the first month we communicated by phone and IM… After about a week he felt bad and admitted he was married with a child, however they were separated but there was a chance they could get back together… He said he originally was looking for fun and never intended to met someone and fall for them and vice versa… I was upset but by then it was too late I was already feelings attached, especially since he would ring and speak to me for hours and hours every day… We discussed the whole wife things many times.. I had episodes of trying to pull out of the whole thing because I knew if he was going back I would be heart broken, he would always talk me back from my little stands… After a month he came back and literally drove straight from the airport after a 22hr flight to meet me.. He was the nicest most compatible man I have ever met.. After a few days he said he has to return to his wife due to his child missing him… But that would be in a month or so… this month we have continued to see eachother… We have both had times of trying to put a stop to it all.. He has appeared genuinely upset and guilt ridden for what he’s putting me through.. But we were both so drawn to eachother and could never last long on trying to stop seeing eachother… Yesterday he left to go overseas to his wife.. he wants to remain friends… he intends to be faithful to his wife now and keep some minimal contact with me.. I feel so heartbroken and used… I am feeling a great loss… His feelings towards me appeared genuine but then I wonder.. I can’t contact him I don’t want to interfere in his marriage.. I already feel guilty enough for what I have done.. I feel jealousy, and rejected… I have never felt such heart break in all my life… I just wish I could forget him but I can’t even do that for one min.. I am missing him so much and I don’t know how to stop.. everything reminds me.. I just wish there was an easy way out of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I'm reading this and reading my story over and over again. Work mates, both married. Never felt like this before, unbelivable connection, soulmates. I leave my husband. He doesn't leave his wife.Still, one year on, nothing changes. We break up, we get back..on and on and on in a loop. Love is harder than heroin to give up.I wish I could see anything other than loneliness in the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): you are talking as if breaking up with someone (ok, the loved one) is the end of the world and life. let's be serious. why do you let yourself drown in this? you can pay attention to the world remember how beautiful your life was before you met him, how many men are just waiting for your and for your free heart.the sun continues to shine.and if for him his wife (he claim he doesn't love)is better, even makes him suffer, then let him suffer together with her. this is what he wanted.and you, my dear, just take a deep breath and smile to the world.a big love is more a problem of self suggestion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): the bad thing about all your stories is the fact that you are wasting your lives, waiting for a "train" will never stop in your station.
there is just one thing you can do to see what he wants from you. tell the MM you don't want to see him while he is married. you want to meet him when he is free. that's the prove he can give you: if he leave his wife for you.
don't think on what society say. is not your fault that you love someone and want to be loved. I also don't believe in this "other woman concept". let's be serious: we belong to ourselves and we chose to share our lives with someone else. no one can say that owns us (and this other woman's man is talking about owning)
what i'm saying is to not let yourself trapped into such a situation and more losing control over yourselves. you have to stay strong and to make him chose. don't waste your life for anybody!
what i
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female
reader, DiovanLestat  + ♥, writes (31 October 2008):
 Hi Ladies,
Just a quick note to say I read the detirmination of the anonymously ladies written on 28th, 22nd and 16th October 2008. Great news ladies, you all seem like you are ready to move you. You know you all deserve better, and you know that there is a better future and happiness waiting for you. Good luck, it's hard, but within a year, you will heal, and you will thrive. Keep in contact with friends and family, get a new hobby, start dating again, go to the gym, party like there is no tomorrow. Keep yourselves busy and start going out, meeting new people and try to enjoy yourself. Delete his number, refuse to talk to him at work, or even get a new job if you dare. This year will be all about you moving on, and finding happiness, strength and confidence, it should be all about you. Good luck, blessings....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Does anyone think it is really possible for a man who is married and having sex with his wife, to truly love another woman?
My MM says "I love you" all the time, but...I don't think he does because he says his relationship with his wife is "okay." I have no idea why he wants to "stay connected" as he says, to me.
It's heartbreaking and infuriating. I want to believe that he loves me, but I keep thinking about how he is sexually involved with someone else..and I can't believe that what he says is true.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hello -
I am in the same boat - but mine has 3 kids and a wife he claims he does not love. The arguements over stupid things have brought me to a halt. I know it hurts to let them go but we have to. They are - and I say this w/tears streaming down my face - they are taken and not really available to us - even though we so desperately want that. I have decided to let mine go because I choose me - me over him. We truly deserve better - right? I mean how many men have you passed by for him? I know I have passed a bunch - thinking he would leave if only she got ajob, etc.... When is enough enough? I work w/my lover alos and it is hard to see him day in and day out but we do this together maybe just maybe we have a chance. I am willing if you are - we are worth it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I sympathise strongly with your situation as I myself was the "other woman" and I know how painfully difficult it can be to cope with, I completely understand what you mean when you say that you are finding it hard to function, there were many times when I didn't see the point in continuing on when I couldn't be with the one I loved. The only advise I can give you is to seperate yourself as much as possible from this man, I know you love him and it is really hard, but the ONLY way to get over him is to move on with your own life, a life that involves minimal/no contact with him. If you don't you will be caught in an endless cycle that will live you trapped and unable to find love with a man who can give himself to you completely. The first few months wil be the most difficult, but after that you will start to notice other men, and hopefully be happier within yourself.I hope this has been helpful, good luck in finding your TRUE prince charming!!!xox
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):
I have been in a similar situation for a long 9 years. We both met when we weren't with other partners. He was a cop in my neighborhood, and I was going through a bitter divorce from a cop. I was sort of dating, but not anyone seriously. He was younger than me, and was sort of seeing someone as well. Well, I had chosen not to get involved with a cop while divorcing one at the same time, so I ended any kind of communications with him. I was fine, and began seeing someone on a more permanent basis whom I met online and who moved from California to Illinois to be with me. It was great. Then the cop contacted me via instant message to tell me he had just gotten married and just returned from his honeymoon. I congratulated him on his marriage. His next response was, "I still want to see you." I couldn't believe it, and laughed it off like he was joking. He wasn't joking. He continued to call, was interested in my life, didn't like me dating who I was dating, and continued to pursue me, of course until he broke me down enough and I gave in. I thought there was something there. Yeah, there was something there for him. I was his trophy because he decided to settle for someone that he would be safe with, someone that was overweight, and unattractive. I should have seen the signs from the very beginning, but I am a sucker! I believe everyone. I loved everything he was telling me, how much he loved me, how attracted he was, and how I was everything to him. He made me believe it all just so he could suck the life out of me. His choice is stay with her and get what ever he can on the side, and I allowed him to do it. He would get jealous when I wasn't with him, and accuse me of things that I wasn't doing. It was all part of his game to dominate me. He just gave me excitement and a challenge. Then I made the decision to walk away, because I asked myself one question. "What if he did leave his wife for me"? Is he the person I really want to be with? NO. It isn't easy to just move on from something I felt comfort in. It is so hard, and it hurts. The hurt is so deep sometimes, but I know this is the best thing for me. I also decided regardless of what his wife looks or acts like, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I have been in love with a MM for 14 years. I left my first husband because I loved this man so very much. At first he couldn't leave because his kids needed him, he was the 'provider' and it was his 'duty' to provide. I have 4 kids of my own, his are now all grown up with kids of their own....now he can't leave because he has done the 'kid' thing, so we are waiting until my kids are grown up and having lives of their own....perhaps he'll come to my funeral, because I'm not getting any younger.He arly 50s now, me late 40s and I love him more than words can say, and I agonise every day of why I am in this situation. Reading everyones comments has made me feel more normal than you realise....its nice to know that people do understand, even if after 14yrs I can't tell my friends as we live in the same town and I know his wife. There will be many who think badly of me, but his wife only looks upon him as a provider, there is no love or affection - but I still envy her the 'connection' she has with him.
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female
reader, aliki  +, writes (15 October 2008):
I came across this page yesterday and I have to say that I was surprised to see that there are so many women in the same situation with me. To be honest, while reading all that, I felt that we are pathetic! I think that we all deserve something better and that you should try to fight your feelings and get in life what we deserve! My father always tells me that "love" is a type of psychological disease. I used to laugh at him when he was saying that, but now I see that he is so right!I, myself, am in love 1,5 years now with a MM. I am 25, he is 40. The unusual thing is that because of the nature of our job, we spent last year more or less 6 months together in different countries without having to share him with his family. I almost forgot that he was married. He would almost never reply to his wife’s calls, when he was with me and did not talk about her. However, every time we would come back to our country, I had to face the reality. He promised that he would get divorced this summer, but of course you know what happened. He still keeps saying that he will get divorced at some point, just does not specify which year this will be…! The usual excuses! What I wonder though now is, if I really want to be with a man like that?! He tells me that his wife will divorce him at some point and maybe it is true. He spends a lot of time with me, too many phone calls, sms etc. They also have 2 kids, the youngest one is 1,5 years old... It drove me crazy when I found out! He started seeing me when his wife just had his baby! Firstly I didn’t know, but even when he told me, I was already so in love with him that I didn’t leave him. I cried a lot, but I stayed and thats what I regret!All these MM (married men) have been living double lives for x years. Time period full of lies and acting! Can you really trust a man who can do that? Have you wondered what he will do to you, if you become his next wife? Today he does it to her, why not tomorrow to you?! This is what I ask myself ever yday. I am still in love with him. He is the only man I said that I would like to have family with, but I decided that I will try to fight it! Such a man cannot be trusted, and I know that in the future, he would make me unhappy. It is crazy that even though I know it, I have not moved on yet. I feel like I am addicted to him and I hate myself for that! I want to get the power to say, “the end”!I am not sure if I will manage to do this soon, but one thing I am sure about: We all deserve something better! Not to be living in the “shadow” of their wives!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): be strong move on with your life...we are responsible for our own feelings you deserve better.
make it easy for him avoid him let him go... he will stick with his wife and you will be full of sorrrow only if you let it be that way he is not worth it i can assure you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): I would ask that the anonymous answer to this question (dated July 7, 2008).. come back and share with us her most recent testimony.. Being in the same situation, I felt that her answer/testimony was inspiring and uplifting..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): I am in a similar situation... I have been seeing a married man via the internet for over a year. He is a wonderful, romantic, passionate, amazing man. He loves his wife dearly and would never leave her side. I know this. We are a thousand miles apart. So, it is hard for us to get together but maybe every few months. Since we first met in person 9 months ago we have been together on 5 different occasions. We are planning another meet soon. He, honestly is all I have time for as far as a relationship goes. We talk at night on cam. Talk about each other's days, have a lot of laughs, say goodnight and go about our lives. I'm not in the relationship to hurt him or his wife. I have many times thought of ending the relationship because I am scared for him. He is my best friend. We share a friendship that both of us are coming to terms with that will not last forever. He considers me his girl. He wants to lay claims to me. Doesn't want me to date and so on. To tell the truth. I don't want any other man at this point in my life. He is all I want and need. He fills my heart every day. Just being there to talk to. I get scared that the guilt he has for going outside his marriage will one day over take him. And I will be left in the dust. Can anyone relate to this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Do yourself a favour and dump this loser immediately. I was involved with a married man for three years. We took vacations together and saw each other every day. He told me he'd never felt as much love for anyone as he did for me. Just like practially every thing else that came out of his stupid mouth, that turned out to be a big fat lie. His wife found out and he dropped me like a stone, saying he had to try to salvage something for the sake of his kids. I was stunned. He'd told me they had lived separate lives with separate beds for years. A few months later I found that everything he'd told me was untrue. His marriage was fine (or so his wife thought). They still slept together, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries.
It was a struggle but I stayed well away from him and tried to rebuild my life. Now - eight months on, I'm with someone new. Taller, younger, sexier. And I've just heard that his wife has kicked him out. So any lady who thinks she can't live without a married man, think again. It's hard and it takes time but being alone has to be better than being with a lying, manipulative louse who only really cares about himself. And you won't be alone forever.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Ok. Here is some different advice. Leaving him might be the 'right' thing to do. And if you have been wasting your life waiting for him to leave, and you know he never will, then move on. However, if you're not ready to let go, and you think the two of you might really have a chance, try giving him books like 'too good to stay, too bad to leave' and 'When good people have affairs; inside the hearts and minds of people in two relationships'. He might not end up leaving, but it will make him evaluate his relationships, and if he was ever going to leave, these books will give him the courage to know it is the right thing to do.
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female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (30 June 2008):
I'm glad you found our ladies who are in the same situation. Listen to their stories tske their advice, y
You've made the first stepz and for that I commend you. Stay away from this married man, because he can only bring you tears.. Look to the future, get support from your family and friends. You deserve better and once you leave him you'll realise how wonderfull life can be. Take care of you, good luck...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): dear ladies,
Please break with your married man NOW.
OH YES, I've been there, had the same feelings as you all, no doubt. He was my mate, my collegue (at first) , my lover, my everything, my TRUE LOVE, never met a man I felt so comfortably with, o and his humor!!! Couldn't imaging living without him. What a twist of faith we couldn't be together right away. I was happy to give up my marriage for him. Supposed my children would like him and his son would like me. We could cope with that.
O, just one thing: he would'nt hurt his wife. So kind of him.
So I waited for him to sort things out. I waited four F**** lonely years. Then I broke all contact with him.
And guess what? It took my another four yeras to get over him and to rebuild my confidence (in myself and other people)
Now I'm glad I'm broke away, but i'll warn you ladies: if you can, never go there!! The pain, the agony, it is so bad and so humiliating. It'll take to much of your life.
Jolanda
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I am crying my eyes out reading all of this!!! I was going thru a divorce 2 1/2 years ago when one of my clients' proceeded to tell me he was going thru the same thing (as far as the disconnection) and he could relate. We ended up buying and selling more together and one day he just kissed me and said "I think that I am falling in love with you." Well, me being the independent person I am and going thru a horrible divorce, I didn't take that carelessly. But, I ended up sleeping with him one day and then from there it escalated. I kept telling myself that "I am not a relationship person anyway." It was safe to mess around with him because he wasn't "available" and I wasn't about to jump in a relationship or dating for that matter. A month grew into a year and we decided to open a business together and we to this day are very successful. What happened was we were busted by his girlfriend/common law of 10 years and now it's just screwed up not only our thing but business on his side. I just realized that what I felt for him was love...or maybe it's because you want what you can't have. Anyhow, we broke the affair and have been dealing with consequences for 5 months now. IT IS NOT FREAKIN EASY! We've tried to carry on normal business proceedings. He's recently decided not to come to work for the past 2 months and his side of the business is failing. He says he's depressed and trying to get thru this but I AM FOOTING ALL OF THE BILLS!!!!!!Meanwhile, I'm working my ass off and my side is doing very well. I just poured myself into work. All he can do is belittle me when he's in a bad mood and says I'm not working hard enough BUT HE'S NOT WORKING! I'm always doing something wrong now! He constantly hurts my feelings! Last night I told him we needed to just split everything we owned together 50/50 and we go separate ways and he said "Fine!" NOTE!!!! The only reason the business exists anyway is because OF ME! The other woman!This morning he showed up to work for the 1st time in 2 months saying that he couldn't live without me and we were soul mates, he couldn't do this without me. He told my secretary that he wished we would just get along better and quit arguing with tears in his eyes! She has no idea what transpired between him and I.I love him so much and at least have been trying to save the business between him and I. He needed to give their (he and his girlfriend) relationship a chance since they've been together so long which at the time to me was a good idea to me so we could finally end it. (I didn't mention that he's 20 years older! I'm 32 and he is 52!Never in my life would I have ever thought I would date someone in that age range.) I am a very busy woman. I don't need all of the drama. I was just looking for the attention and hopefully learn that sex could be a very good experience for a change! Anyway, today he shut my door and kneeled down beside me and cried. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him and that he should very much respect me and my position, appreciate everything I do and he didn't want to separate business......Here's my thought. He's realizing that it's not all about him any longer and that I am shaking the system! I do love him with all of my heart but screw him! I'm better than that! You guys made me realize I need to cut ALL ties with him and get on with my life. So, tomorrow....he's gone!I know that I am wasting my heart on someone that isn't reciprocal. I need my whole heart to even begin a nice dating experience or all dates are a waste of time outside of the taboo relationship! I am thinking about each and every one of you! I hope that I'm an example for your next start or to not get involved!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): To the lady that wrote on the 23rd of June. I can't stop thinking about your story. I am so sorry for what you have been through. You will get through this, just give it time. Be selfish and make it all about you for once. Do something that makes you happy every day. Just don't go back to him. It is time to get the life you deserve!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): 28 years ago I met my MM. It was love at first sight. We have had the most incredible love affair ever. And I have the most broken heart. Right now I feel certain that I will die from it, but I know what wont kill me will only make me stronger.
Let me explain, yes we were "soul mates". Yes, the sex was indescribably exciting..took me to higher levels than I have ever known. Yes, we were best friends. Yes, we took trips together, spent weekends together. My heart always skipped a beat when he called. I loved him so much.
How many countless hours would I wait for him to call? How many holidays did I spend alone? How many times did I disappoint my son by making him wait till mommy got her phone call. He told me when his children graduated he would get a divorce. When that time neared, he said I have to wait until I retire because I will loose too much money. Well, that was a year and a half ago.
3 Days ago I told him I couldnt go on like this anymore.
I do believe that he loves me. I think he thought he would leave, but when the time came, he realized he could not hurt his children, his wife, her mother, etc. etc.
As many of you have already stated. We have to face it, these MM dont leave their wives.
I dont regret loving him, I have great wonderful memories of what we had. Right now I am only sad and know that I have to work through this and move on to a different life.
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female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (20 June 2008):
I wanted to help and give advice, but I couldn't 'cause there's so many of you in this situation, that I didn't know where to start.
Well it looks like your sisters-in-common, you've got yourselves a name - "Mistress Anonymous" and somebody further down suggested a battle song - "If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right" by Cassandra Wilson
(I prefer Millie Jackson's version myself, cause she keeps "looking at the clock on the wall...tick...tick")
You've got a space here at Dear Cupid to talk and exchange experiences and support. Somebody else was helpfull enough to suggest a usefull website and I'll mention it for those of you who are slow readers and I'ven't yet caught up.
Try to http://www.the-other-woman.com, for similar stories and ideas on how to leave that UNFAITHFUL JERK and stay away. Don't forget to visit us all back here at Dear Cupid from time to time to keep us updated and tell us what's going on with you.
Take care and good luck..... Over and Out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Dear Diovanlestat, you are so true that the burden would be lifted when we walk out of this relationship. Its easier said than done. When you have been in this relationship this long its hard to walk away. You build this bond and its kinda like being in a marriage but its one-sided. I think we are their savior when it comes to their sanity and stability amidst the unstable marriage, stress at work, responsibilities, ... We are their fantasy. A fantasy that they live for the moment when we are with them. Something which is said in bed undercovers and in privacy but once reality sets in its forgotten. And there goes all hopes and dreams are dash. Alas! Yes, true too playing "second fiddle" to a MM is heartbreaking, lonely, humiliating and I sense too in his behavior and tone that he disrespects me. But we the lover, mistress, gf or second banana (what its called) are true and loyal to our MM. Do we get credit for it? No. Do we get appreciated for being their savior? No. We are only there "on call" when needed or remembered as in duty. Other than that we are an "afterthought" i.e We are way down at the bottom of the list...forgotten but resurrected when required. Sigh.
I salute you women for having to put yourself thru this emotional abuse and keeping faith that he will one day leave his wife and walk into your loving, open arms. I asked myself is the wait, pain and loneliness worth it?? Till this day i can't answer this. I hope to wake and see the truth in this relationship and have the strength to tell him to kiss my ass and good riddance!
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female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (20 June 2008):
Dash Ladies... this really is a meeting of "Mistress Anonymous" I can see most of you are embarrased and hide your names...Well that's understandable, cause most people are rude to you and just don't understand.....LOL
I'm sorry for each and everyone of you in this situation. Sometimes it works, sometimes a man that is unavailable is just what you need. But to those of you who are unhappy and feel unloved please get out and leave this relationship. If a married man wont leave, no matter what the excuse is, he dosen't love you or respect you very much. You all deserve so much more in life. Your a great bunch of women, you have strength and character and more loyalty than I've ever seen. More loyalty than sense sometimes. Leave your married men and find somebody available to give you the love you deserve. I promise you, once you dump his lying cheating ass, life will look wonderfull and the burden you carry will get lighter in an instant.
If you want to get out, then stop calling him, refuse to see him, don't take his calls and cut all contact. It will be hard, you will feel sad. But heartache happens to all of us. Be strong and in time the pain will go away. But being in love with a married man who refuses to leave his wife is a lifetime of pain, loneliness and humilation. Ladies, don't you deserve more? 'cause I think you do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I want to share with you all of my relationship with a MM which is still ongoing as I write. We met 2 1/2 years ago but did not really go deep till about a year ago. I was pregnant with his baby about 2 years ago and had an abortion without his knowledge. Actually I tried desperately to contact him of the news but he did not answer any of my smses, emails and phone calls. I did not mention of my pregnancy but I did state in those messages that its urgent. Well, he did not return/respond to them. So this decision was left to me eventhough I would be more than happy to keep the baby but financially I can't afford.
After over a year...I told him in February of this year. He asked why did I not tell him before. I tried but he was in a mess with work and problems at home and I do not want to burden him with yet another which is already been taken care of. The reason it took me this long to address this to him was I felt it was the right timing and about time he knows what happened and that if he should want to leave me he can take that knowledge with him of what we have had and shared.
So he knows and then comes the part of him, wife and his kids. He made me cry at one of lunch dates when he told me he feared his wife knew about us and that he don't want to look like a monster to his kids (they are in their teens). I had told him that divorce has been since the bible times and that kids feel the tension in the family when mom and dad is having problems. Why put them thru it ... therefore we have the divorce and people divorce all the time. His answer is wife culture will not accept it and that its "losing face" if that happens. But no his wife did not find out about us it was something to do with his attitude that she was having problems. He jumped the gun.
Anyway, lately he has not been talking of his wife. So during one of our meets I asked how come he don't talk of his marriage anymore. His answer was that he keeps her happy by giving her what she wants and indulging her with LV bags, jeweleries ... Does that sound like a man who is going to leave his wife? My understanding is if a man wants to walk away from his wife he would not spend more than she is worth but just enough to keep peace at home definitely not expensive ruby necklace from a upscale jeweler.
When his wife takes a trip he calls her constantly and checking up on her. I was there when he called her and I asked why? He says she is suppose to have lunch with her friend and he wants to find out if she is telling the truth or seeing "someone" else. Meaning her ex-lover.
What have you all to say? I really need input on this. I'm thinking, deciding and waiting for the right timing to walk away from this and I want to do it civily.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Hmmm. I've been reading these comments due to a question that was posed to me a few days ago about my situation so I decided to take my curiosity to the Web and stumbled across this blog which feels like a small MA meeting ‘Mistresses Anonymous’ (smile). First I want to confess that I am involved with a married man, yes it will be coming up on two years and I can say that if he hadn’t told me from the beginning that he was involved I would have never known it.It works as a ‘normal’ relationship. The calls, love, gifts all of that but I look at myself and wonder where my conscious is sometimes because I say in all fairness, I am a woman, do I want to be cheated on and hurt, or am I the pig. Well, yes in light I am (the pig) if I am looking to bash my decisions and find confidence in social opinion, but if you pose the question for yourselves it may be a little different. I knew from day one that my lover was hitched, and I didn’t bat an eye, because I said this is dinner, this is a one night thing, you’re here, I’m here and well you get the rest…the night of me playing kitten turned into a relationship. This comment may furrow the brow of a few readers, but I will give you an opinion that may be distasteful to some but it’s my truth so don’t be so upset at me. Take a look back at where you stood before Mr. Married walked into your life and heart. Were you wallowing in self pity, dealing with antics that caused depression, or were you just living life. I ask that you really pay attention to the question. I’m no psychologist (I see you nodded’ yes I know’ thank God), but I am human. So are you. You made a choice, regardless of what you see the decision as- bad or good it was a decision and it takes two. This is not a finger pointing moment but it is when it’s a relationship. If the relationship causes you great harm mentally, physically, emotionally, move on, but if it works for you ( and only you) stay until you feel that you need to move on, if that happens. It may or may not but if you’re beating yourself up then its guilt and you can either deal with it or remove it, removing it may be looking at the situation for what it is and taking a step to do something to improve it. To tell you the truth, if you’re going nuts over your decision and wondering if this choice will pivot to other bad decisions then you can only answer that. Trust me, I’ve made a few bad decisions before I ever met my lover, but they were lessons that I needed the time. Also any relationship no matter who the players are has its faults. I’ve never been married, but I’ve cheated in relationships. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been in good wholesome ones too that ended with two people leaving as friends. All that, its life (you know this). No magazine, or blog, or opinionated ‘other’ woman can tell you what you want. You have to ask yourself is this something you want, do I want children with a family and a present father, will I wait on this? Is this hindering your career, your dreams, is this person motivating you at all, and I don’t mean with nice blingy gifts either (although their quite nice) but is he? Do you have rules that don’t get crossed? Of course, I get mad at him, and sad, and tired and happy and excited too -all those feelings. I know things aren’t great at home (he wouldn’t be over here if it weren’t) I care—to an extent, but I don’t empathize with all the struggles because that is his life not mine. I am content, because I have what makes me happy. I know I can find a great single man, I have before, but this is my choice for now and if I stay or go it is my own. He doesn’t hinder anything I do, and he is not in my way, nor is he a crutch, but he is someone I love and will always love, no matter if we stay together or not. So ladies who are in a mental bind, ask yourself if this feels right in your heart, no matter what the script says. I learned this from a woman much older than me, a woman who has it all, and lives a great life, but she was the other woman for a while and noted that it was her choice and she was happy, the relationship faded because that what they (relationships) sometimes do but she doesn’t have any regrets for what they had. If you’re looking for him to leave his marriage because it makes you uncomfortable then you take the step to leave because he may never walk away. But if you feel uncomfortable because of what the outside world says then you need to find out what makes you happy. We make ourselves happy first before others can, and if your lover is an honest addition to that happiness, then so be it, but it’s up to you to answer that.I hope this helps…Respectfully,The Other Woman
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Do you realize it isn't any one's job on the entire planet to keep a person happy? It isn't the dark ages, women are not obligated to do this for men no matter what. It is each person's own responsibility to keep themselves happy, and they should never do this at anyone else's expense! That is happening with you. You are trying to keep him happy and you are suffering. That is not right. That is unfair and it can damage your spiritual health and physical health because of you being so miserable. Sure there may be some happy moments, but they ARE NOT WORTH THE COST to you. I have been there. IT will never stop until you let go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I wrote the May 7 and May 8th posts. I can say, a month out that it does get better, much better. To the last post, I say get out of it. I loved and still do love the married man I was with. 99.9% of MM don't leave. My old boss found out her husband was having an affair. They didn't have any children and with now having to really take a harsh look at his marriage, he decided to leave. He moved from NYC to Florida to be with the other woman. They eventually married. Extremely rare. What I had to ask myself and what I pose to you is what is it that you are getting out of this and why are you allowing yourself to play second "fiddle?" For me, it was convenience, at least in the beginning. I am a single mother with a demanding job and the relationship was easy. We saw each other when we wanted to and there was no pressure. I told myself that I was having a good time and both of our needs were being met. He and I would have lengthy discussions about his marriage. I would probe him about why he stayed in a situation that he claims is so unfulfilling. Wouldn't he want something better for himself and for his wife? It didn't make sense to me. He admitted that they were uncompatible and I don't think even to this day, he has ever provided a "real" answer to that question. He said a lot of it is "comfort." I had to stop asking him the questions and ask myself, what difference does it make? He's not leaving. I had to figure out how to give myself what he was giving me in a healthy way. A relationship with a married man is not healthy. He was always good at analyzing my life and everyone else's but that same analysis was always absent from his own life. I think because he was afraid of what he might see. I can't fix him and you can't fix your married man either. The withdrawal is real. There were days I felt like I couldn't get out of bed but I did. I kept going. NOw a month later, I am better. I started seeing a therapist again but at least I am getting the help. He has moved on, he calls occasionally to see how am I doing and we shoot the breeze but as someone indicated we cannot be friends. The "elephant" is always in the room and no one talks about it. I had some of the best sex in my life with him. This was a man that made me comfortable with my body, my sexuality and my sensuality. We took vacations together, spoke on a daily basis, enjoyed couples massages. Hell yeah, I miss him. I'll probably always love him and I believe he loved me. He taught me a lot. When he calls, my heart still skips a beat and if he left his wife, I am sure my first instinct would be to run to him. But I am stronger than I thought. Each day gets easier. In the end, it's your decision and no one here can judge as we have all been there but from one other woman to another, love yourself more to want better for yourself. If he does leave his wife, you don't want it to be because of you. You want him to come to you as a whole person, strong in his decision and his committment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Hello everyone I am so glad to have found you. I too am in love --desperatley in love with a married man. I have simliliar siutaions 0 stolen moments, sneaking aorund in cars...secret emails, secret texts..the whole bit and ofcourse I want MORE...but he says he can not slit up with his wife for 5 more years until his children are of a certain age. His marriage is uneventful and I read above about being an enabler for him and I guess that is what I am doing. Yes I do also feel second and jealous of his wife really. He is sooo handsome and he really turns me on. I know it is hurting me being with him as I want more and he can't give it. Do I just be cool and get what I can get for now and wait or do I end it??
I tried ending it but there is no way I can love without him. I only see him once a week and we talk everyday via email. I too am married but I m close to separating. I daydream so much of being with my married man..I know it could be awesome. I wish we could be together NOW.I wish he would break up with her so we can live our lives now together not 5 years from now.
Doing this is so addictive for me so breaking up is truly hard to do as if you are anything like me you crave him and will drop everything to see him.
Really by keeping busy and doing things yu like to do will help out with the withdrawl. To me breaking u with my guy would mean mourning his loss and also as if experiecing withdrawl symptoms.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): just forget him. sorry
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