A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts/unclesI have just started college in a different city and I moved from my rented apartment which I share with my bf of six years. I love him dearly and taking on my new course was a challenge, as I had to leave everthing I knew and was comfortable with (as most college students do). I go home to him when I can, which is most weekends.However my problem, cut as short as possible is this: he's older than me, slept with more people, had more experience being single and had the opportunity to have fun. This didn't bother me until a few years ago.I met him soon after a bad break-up, I feel that he is my soulmate, yet for the last few years, I feel that I'd wished I'd experienced the single life a bit more, before I settled with him.We talked about this and he agreed with my feelings of curiosity but said the grass isn't greener on the other side, which, I know he's right.For financial reasons, he may have to move to the new city with me, which I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about, as he told me to use college as an opportunity to possibly get things out of my system, which have been bugging me. I have taken no such action yet and I'm very unsure of what to do and I'm eaten alive by guilt everyday, even though, I've not done anything yet to jeopardise our relationship, it doesn't stop me from being tempted.I feel like a b***h for this, but these are things that have been going around and around in my head for ages.What I have with him isn't worth losing for a bunch of worthless one-night stands and that's the truth of it, but I still can't shake the curiosity at all and I've tried so much. He told me to get what I need to get out of my system and just not talk about it, but I haven't brought myself to do that yet, because I'm too confused.A break wouldn't work in our relationship because we have too many commitments together that we can't just drop.It would seem clear that I could just go out in college, do the one-night stand thing and "get it out of my system" but there probably would be terrible repercussions. I'm genuinely not looking for emotional connections with other people, just sex, to be perfectly frank.Any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially by anybody who had similar situations. Any advice on how to cope with the curiosity would be greatly appreciated too.I've tried my very best to suck it up, forget about it and move on with my life, but it just won't go away. Thanks for reading x
View related questions:
move on, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2013):
 Not to start an argument, but it seems to me this isn't really about having sex with other people because it's somehow more fulfilling to have sex with various partners.
To me, this about two things. One is that she's not happy in this relationship. People who are happy aren't looking elsewhere or getting tempted. Sure, they might have small crushes that come and go, and sure they may have a fleeing thought. But they don't linger and yearn for the experience of being with someone else. Her desire to be with someone else is more likely an indicator of her not being happy with the current situation. If/when she ends the relationship with her boyfriend she might no longer feel this need or desire to be with other people, because being single and free to do what you want, after 6 years, might just be what she needs right now. She got together with her bf at a very young age, people change, 6 years is a long time. He's probably just not the right man for her to settle with.
Two, and this is sort of an optional addition to number one which is very likely true... Maybe she actually wants an experience with someone else sexually not because it somehow is amazing to be with others. The grass isn't greener. But the experience is still a different one, and to even just have the experience to know for yourself that the grass isn't greener (or maybe it is to her?) is important to have. Or else you're stuck with the thought of "what if". Sure some people don't ever get this thought into their heads, again probably because when in a happy and fulfilling relationship you don't have a need to look elsewhere.. But anyhow, this girl has this desire. And as people are different, her having this desire doesn't mean she shouldn't have it just because some other people don't have it. We're different, some want more experiences than others. The experience itself has value, even if it was an experience that taught her the grass isn't greener.
And last, some people have suggested that if she doesn't kill this desire of hers now, but lives it out instead, that it will always be with her and she'll always desire other sexual partners for the rest of her life.. or something up the lines of that. Uhm, no. Having a desire right here and now and acting on it is NOT a life sentence to always have such and such desires. I don't have the desire to sleep with more people now, but 5 years ago I did. People experience and learn from their experiences. Maybe she will learn that she likes the new experience and stick to it, maybe she will learn she doesn't like it and wont ever do it again. That's how it works, and ultimately there is no "life sentence" here, a person will only continue to do what they actually like doing, at that specific time of their lives. It's not like having a one night stand or casual sex will taunt your soul and make you forever crave casual sex and never be able to commit again.
There, dome, I've written my little book about this now.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 September 2013):
 I've probably had sex with more people than almost anyone else on the board... both in and out of relationships.
if all you want is sexual experience with others... then it's highly over rated.
for centuries folks got married as young virgins and died with only one partner. My mother for one. Her mother, her father, her in laws, her sister and her husband.... all married the one person they ever slept with and all died contently only having had sex with one person that they LOVED.
I was a swinger in my last marriage. Trust me sex with people you don't love is HIGHLY over rated.
...............................
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (18 September 2013):
Sure you are tempted by others. But is this just an exercise in copious amount of sex which you might crave at the moment? If that is what you need and have to get your lust on that is okay but please let this man who has given his last six years of his life completely to you go. If you want to get in on that is okay and go for it then. I am assuming that is what you meant in temptations. But please remember one thing through all this. You have experienced some of the best and most fulfilling relationships that a man or woman can experience by being together. Today to have a relationship that has lasted this long with one person only is amazing. Now you are going to experience something totally different and I personally feel deep down inside you are going to get a rude awakening or you are going to embrace this other life style completely and it could consume you for ever. I have had similar experiences and let me tell you there is nothing worse to have relations with somebody to get your lust on and in the morning find out they just wanted your body for a good screw and they don't really give a dam about you and never will. And if you didn't have protected sex you get something you cant get rid of for the rest of your life. Now what are you going to tell your boyfriend of six years. And let me tell you this cycle will only repeat itself. Sex is only one thing that i believe completes yourself as a individual and unique at that. But don't think for one minute that your boyfriend of six years is going to buy what you tell him. You know yourself that the relationship of six years hinged on more than just sex and physical satisfaction. You decide you know where your going but let me tell you one last thing. Do not be so self assured that once you have finished your self discovery or exploration that he will be there waiting for you. There are lots of women who have finished their journey and most but not all are ready to embrace what you did with your boyfriend for six years and to think he wont find somebody else in the mean time is being delusional at best. You stand to lose a lot more than what you will get or experience. And at the end you are going to be the big loser and some other woman will latch onto your boyfriend and never let go. And all he will say is sorry I have met somebody else and I hope you enjoyed your journey of self sexual discovery. It can be that simple and a bitter pill for you to swallow. Oh, yes to finally answer your question. You have it backwards. Temptation comes first and after your going to be curious alright because you have been taken for the biggest ride of your life. You decide, you choose and while you are gone I am sure there are women right now ready to scoop your man up .Good luck on your quest...
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 September 2013):
 For you to want to consider other options, means you are not satisfied with your BF.
If you are truly in love and want a life together, the lack of experience or adventure would not in the least bother you.
People have dated one person and married the person because they could not see a life with anyone else.
I think you need to revisit why you stay with the BF and be 100% sure he is the right man. If not then the field is wide open. Remember the BF is very supportive and understanding, but its human nature to wonder "am I not enough", risk of losing you etc. You risk him deciding that if you are not committed then he should be looking at other options, so careful what you wish for.
...............................
A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (18 September 2013):
 I you do cheat, but just "not talk about it" he will be thinking about it all the time!How would you feel if your boyfriend said you don't satisfy him and he's interested in having sex with other women while he is away. But don't worry, he won't talk to you about it.Everytime he doesn't answer the phone, you're going to think he's with another woman. The same applies to him. If he tries to contact you but gets no response he's going to think the worst.Unless you're both totally happy to have an open relationship, you'll have to be weary of the consequences....Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 September 2013):
You're not a bad person, but you need to be honest with yourself. The world will not go under if you break up with your boyfriend. You clearly don't want to be in a relationship with him, but you are denying yourself the opportunity to be single and free because of.. what exactly? Guilt? Love? Do you think this feeling of yours will pass? I doubt it, because you say you've felt like this for a few YEARS now. It's time to face the truth, I think.
You love him, but you're not ready to settle. End the relationship and tell him he's a lovely and amazing man, but you're not ready to settle and want to live life as a single person for some time, before you can know for sure what you want in life. The grass truly isn't greener on the other side of the fence, but there's something about making your OWN experiences that gives life meaning.
When you are old and gray, looking back, what do you think you will regret more:
"I regret not enjoying my youth and making new experiences"
or
"I regret not settling down with my boyfriend of 6 years and staying with him forever/as long as I could"
As for the other "options" you listed, a break doesn't work for anyone. Either someone has broken up or they're together, there is no such thing as a break. If you sleep with someone else then that will forever change your relationship. If you sleep with someone else it would ruin your current relationship, no matter how you twist it, no matter if he says he is okay with it. He's just trying to keep you, and you're just trying to keep him too, even though you both know that this relationship can NOT be combined with your needs and desires.
"I've tried my very best to suck it up, forget about it and move on with my life, but it just won't go away."
Then stop ignoring it. Do what you know you must do. You don't want to be in a steady and settled relationship. It was nice for the past 6 years, but now you're in need of something else. Embrace it, not as something negative, but as something positive. It is only change that drives us forward, only through change can we develop and learn more about ourselves.
I was in a couple of relationships where I wanted to NOT be in a relationship, but be single and experience other people. I too felt guilty, and uncomfortable. I felt forced, really, more than anything. Because the guys I were with (two boyfriends, one after the other) were so in love with me and were being rather pushy actually! They didn't give up even if I was reluctant. They pushed for a relationship because they were, in the end, selfish and looking out for their own needs. They wanted me, they didn't really care if I wanted them. They pushed for a relationship, and I found it difficult to resist because I did care about them too. I'm not a robot, I have feelings, and they were nice and sweet and lovely men. I developed feelings, just like you have feelings for your boyfriend. But I knew, like you know, that it wasn't what I wanted. I thought I could just "get over it" like you do. But it doesn't go away until you get what you desire: the experience.
After those two relationships ended I finally got to experience what I wanted (being with a woman sexually, to be specific). After that I felt so much better. If I hadn't gotten to experience it at least once in my life I'd always wonder, and I'd never be able to settle.
Did I ever get back with one of my exes? No, I found a new boyfriend who fits me a lot more than those two ever did. Btw, I was your age when I wanted out and experience... You're not too old, and it's never too late.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): You find yourself in a very tough spot :-sAnd I know this is not what you want to hear.You need to honestly ask yourself if you are 100% percent happy and fulfilled in this relationship. Forget about the finances and committments and answer this question from your gut.If you feel that you are happy with the relationship and satisfied with the relationship then you don't have a choice but to forget about what else is out there. You CHOSE to be in a relationship with him. You are CHOOSING everyday, by being in a relationship with him, to forgo all others. Curiosity is perfectly normal. Acting on it in this case would be extremely selfish. Lots of people who've had multiple sexual partners before getting married still get tempted after getting married. That doesn't mean it's ok for them to act on it. It's called cheating.If you really feel that this is something you have to do for yourself (which is perfectly ok to feel that way) then you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with this man.The fact that he asked you not to tell him when it happens shows that he will be hurt by it. But that he loves you so much that he doesn't want to hold you back from being happy and doing what feels right for you. Is it really worth it hurting the person you profess to love for the sake of having a random penis belonging to who cares who inside you?You've said you don't want an emotional connection with someone else necessarily. So what exactly do you want? You want more 'experience' on your sexual CV? In my opinion, you either resent the fact that he's slept with other people prior to meeting you. Or you are not satisfied with your sex life currently. If it is one of these two things, sleeping with someone else won't fix it. Either get him to reassure you that you are very different and special (BELIEVE HIM -that's why he's still around). Or do some research about what new things you'd like to try in the bedroom to spice things up.I see nothing but guilt, resentment, distrust if you sleep with someone else. This is a huge risk to take and if you're prepared to take it, that means the relationship doesn't mean as much as you think it does to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): First of all let me tell you , you have a VERY generous boyfriend. I cant even imagine talking about this with mine. He basically let's you sleep with other men. It calls open relationship. I am sure he does the same. Second of all, there is no such thing " getting out of your system" either you are monogamous or not. If you want now to sleep with other people you will keep doing it from now aNd then even if you are married. It does t mean you ll be doing often, but when ou especially like someone or the circumstances are right, you ll do it. Believe me I made d whole research about it, after my ex slept with other women. He was not monogamous and never will be. But I am. I have no desire to sleep with other men when I am in a relationship. Curiosity or not. You call it curiosity, but in fact you are polyamorous . You know perfectly well that it all will be pretty much the same, you simply just want to do with different men.
...............................
|
