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Why does she keep cheating on me?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

The last three years have been very turbulent ones. We have broken up and got back together so many times. Usually couples just stop getting on and end up drifting apart. Not in our case, because its only ever been one thing that has ever caused problems, and that is her determination to have sneaky cyber and sex text affairs. When caught out, I cannot get to the root of it, as she says nothing is wrong with us and Im her one and she is so happy.

I have been lied to, and heard every excuse in the book. I thought it was all over, as its been about six months, but have just accidentally discovered she is now doing it by an app in her mobile phone. It probably never even stopped. She doesnt know that I know yet.

I am struggling to get my head round it, because every time I have found out it ends in tears - her tears, yet she still goes on to do it again.

To be honest, I think she wouldnt have got away with it more than twice if it wasnt for our kids. I would have ignored her tears and not gone back.

What do I do?

View related questions: affair, got back together, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2017):

Tell her it's over, and actually dump her. She's taking you for a ride my friend and you're letting her.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntShe knows if she cries you will forgive her. Therefore why would she ever stop? The moment a relationship is on and off throughout the years is the moment you should realize it is not working. Why would she stop? She has not lost you? She doesn't care that she hurts you? She is selfish and a liar and you deserve better. Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay with her you can still be a good dad to them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017):

She has a serious problem with her self esteem.

She uses men to feel good about herself.

Until she gets therapy and learns to love herself and be able to find her self esteem within herself, without outside validation, I'm afraid this is a pattern of behaviour she will keep repeating.

She is like a drug addict addicted to the high of cheating. She is self medicating. She has not confronted her issues; her demons. She is simply escaping. Escaping something. The allure of the escape is formidable and hard to resist.

Trust me, the high is very real and it is a habit that is hard to kick. Especially when you are enabling her to do it by putting up with her cheating ways. Forgiving her.

So sorry but you need to let her go.

You do know this deep inside.

Families always survive upheaval. Sometimes it is necessary. It will be difficult but once you make it through the storm, you will find a new normal and you will eventually be happy. Your kids are resilient. They will be fine.

But what about you? Think your love is going to fix her? It never will. Stop living in fairy tale land. I understand that love is a very powerful force and none of us wants to go through change and uncertainty and pain. All of these things you will experience once you end this relationship. But they are necessary. Necessary for your own well being and emotional stability. Necessary for your kids as they do not need the example of a cheating mother and the dynamics of your relationship together are not healthy for them to grow up with.

It cuts deep to be in your position. Always bracing yourself for the next time it happens because you know it will. It is torture and I am not sure why you do this to yourself? Why do you feel you need to suffer at her hands? You don't. You can live life happier and with a partner who loves and respects you enough to stay faithful to you.

Love does not conquer all. It does not stop cheating.

You cannot win here.

She won't change and even if she ever did go to therapy, it would be a very difficult road with lots of work to do. No cheater likes the hard road. They want instant gratification. And even if she did go on the straight and narrow, the pull of the forbidden will always linger in her mind... ready to awaken. You would forever worry she would do it to you again. That is how you would live. Always waiting for a relapse. Not much different than now.

Stop your pain and torture. Let go of the source. This woman. A woman who does not give a crap about you. She likes the ego boost of the men she is banging, including the ego boost she gets from your jealousy and pain.

That is a twisted individual who is not worthy of love.

You are not powerless here. You are not a victim. You choose to be the victim. But you have the power to change your situation by leaving her.

It may hurt for awhile but in time, you will feel whole again and the peace of mind you gain will have been worth it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOP, is cheating a deal breaker for you or not?

If you don't WANT to be with a cheater, you really only have one option and that is to end it. You can't change her and I doubt yo can REALLY change how you feel about it either.

She does it because she wants too. She gets to have her cake (you) and whomever on the side here and there.

I know that having kids together makes this MUCH harder, but what you may not consider is WHAT your kids learn from this. If you think they don't know crap is going on or there are discord between you two, you are mistaken. Kids are smart and pick up much more than parents think.

She might BE a decent mother but she isn't a good partner. That happens. Is this REALLY how you want to spend your life? With someone who shows so little respect for you and your feelings? Even for your kids?

Maybe NOT being together is better for EVERYONE. It's not like you can't still BE a dad to your kids.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

You really can't complain because there are no real consequences to her cyber-cheating. All you can do is complain; and she'll get away with it until she's caught. She probably enjoys the fact you get jealous; or just gets narcissistic-supply from seeing your suffer.

Why are you trying to get your head around treachery? I highly doubt cheating is limited to texting or sexting.

It's usually a prelude to the real deed!

Either way, if you keep her after she cheats; she has nothing really to stop her. You'll just get-over it until it happens again.

Perhaps you like the drama. I can't see any other reason any guy would keep someone like that.

Dump her, get-over her, be single for a bit, find someone you can trust; and life will be good.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

She keeps cheating on you because she likes it and you let her.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 May 2017):

N91 agony auntDo you seriously think she is going to change? Youve caught her numerous times.

I think she needs councilling or similar to get over this. You don't have to put up with this you know. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to stay and be treated this way.

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