A
male
age
41-50,
*ed23235
writes:Ok, my girlfriend and I have been with each other for 10 months but are not living together. She has a 11 year old daughter from a previous marriage living with her. When she takes her daughter with us shopping I'm expected to pay. When I complain it's not my kid, my girlfriend has gotten mad at me. Otherwise she is a sweet person. I'm tired of paying for their clothes! what do I do?[Mod note: Canadian flag appears not to have loaded on the OP's age/sex/location line] Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Hi Ted, you've had 15 answers from aunts here, do you any any follow up information? :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): Just because someone asks or demands something from you, does NOT mean that you have to give it. Do you have trouble saying no?
If you demanded that she paid for your mortgage and bills- would she do so? No. So why do you do something that you don't want to do and shouldn't have to do just because she so rudely demands it? -Stand up for yourself!
I think you deserve better to be honest as it sounds very much like she's using you for your money. -Otherwise she wouldn't risk the whole relationship for unreasonable demands.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (14 November 2013):
I think your girlfriend is a little off.....why would you be paying for her daughter's clothes? Why do you do it?
I would never ask my bf to pay for my kids clothes whether we were living together or not. I would rather him take on a positive male role model than a Visa card.
Your relationship and her expectations are odd. Speak with her about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): You should not be expected yo pay for someone else's child. This woman is using you. I would consider this a big red flag. Don't be surprised if she starts pushing for marriage, because she is showing her true colors. Women like her have the ultimate goal of marriage because that's how they gain legal access to someone else's money.
You need to confront her about this. On what basis does she believe you are obligated to pay for her child? If she says "i dont want to date a guy who doesnt care about my child" and equates "caring" with paying and buying for the things she chooses then she is being manipulative. Then you say "i dont want to date a woman who uses her child as a pawn to get money from other people". If she gets mad then like I said, she is showing her true colors.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 November 2013):
 That's really rude of her to assume. She's the parent and it's her responsibility. This would be a red flag to me.
Perhaps this is her "test" of you to see if you'd ever treat her daughter like your own. However, it is too soon for this. You're not even living together. If I were you, if you wish to avoid a scene, remove yourself from shopping scenarios all together. no shopping, no paying.
She has no right to be mad at you for not wanting to pay for HER daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Personally I wouldn't date someone who can say something like that:its not my kid, so I dont care.s This frase show your indifference toward a child, and as a mother I wouldn't date a man who doesn't care about my child.With that said, the fact that she kind of lures you into buying her clothes and her daughter"s is suspicious to me.You are only dating 10 months, so its a farely new relationship. I don't see how she can expect from you on going thing like that. Unless you offer, she shouldn't expect it from you. If I was in this situation I would really love and appreciate my boyfriend for that, but I would definitely wouldn't expect it from him.You have no choice but to talk to her about it. But, please don't say anything like its not kid.It shows your aloofness, and leaves a bad taste in a mouth.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Don't pay then! If it's your money then you spend it however you want. If the 11-yr old has to go in old clothes that's too bad!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): Say you forgot your credit card next time you go out
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Stop paying for the clothes. Just refuse to pay for the clothes.
My husband pays for my son's clothes, but he's the only dad my son has ever known and is his dad.
You aren't her father, she has a father and a mother who are perfectly capable of buying her clothes and if they aren't then she's going to have to do with what she has.
You two are dating, you aren't married and you aren't the girls father. If you by choice want to buy her clothes or whatever then power to you. But she shouldn't expect you to pay for her daughters things that she and her ex husband should be providing.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 All the other Aunties are right in my opinion, why are you still paying? Because she got mad?
My daughter is 12 years old and my husband is her step father, we have been together for 11 years and I do NOT expect him to buy her clothes or even my own for that matter.
My daughter's father pays maintenance for her and I obviously support my children financially too. I would never expect my husband to pay for her or my son.
I agree that the best course of action would be to talk to your girlfriend, when her daughter is not around, and tell her straight. That although you appreciate she has a daughter and that they come as a package, she has to understand that their clothing allowances are NOT your responsibility. Make it clear that you are not a mobile ATM machine to be tapped into at her convenience.
If she gets mad then I think you need to rethink this relationship because I've got a bad feeling that this woman is using you for the cash you bring to the relationship not for your love.
Don't let her use you or abuse your kind nature.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 November 2013):
 You write: (Question) "I'm tired of paying for their clothes! what do I do?"
(Answer): STOP paying for her (their?) clothes....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 what happens when you say NO... NOT MY KID? and just DON'T do it... if you MUST go shopping with them (and there is no rule that says you must, I'd rather you say "sorry can't make it go without me")
do you ever say NO to this woman? If not, why not?
IF you insist you have to go shopping with them then she's well aware of what manipulation she's pulling. Ever wonder why she's NOT with her ex????
I would say to her next time you go shopping with her (not that you should do that but I'm betting you won't say no) just find a bench outside of the store and say "I'll wait here till you are done"
and when she asks about money you say "NOT MY KID NOT MY PROBLEM"
if she leaves you then you know what.. she was only with you for what you provide (INCOME)....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): You should not have to pay for her child's clothes at all. If you want to buy something as a gift that is fine. But you should not be under any obligation to do so. If, after only months in the relationship, she is expecting this from you, it should also make you realise that these are her expectations of her new partner, and decide if it works for you. She may just be testing your boundaries. You need to be firm about how you feel.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2013):
 I would sit her down a evening/day when the kid isn't with you both and tell her , that you like being with her you like there child, but that you do not WANT to pay for HER child's clothes.
I personally find it ridiculous that she thinks you should. THAT is what child support is supposed to cover (partially at least) it's HER job as the primary caregiver to make sure her child is dressed, NOT yours.
NOR do I think you should pay for your GF's clothes. UNLESS it's a present.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2013):
Don't bring anything but your driver's license when you go shopping with them, until you sit down with your girlfriend and explain your feelings. If she gets angry, she gets angry. If she's a reasonable person, she'll get over it and understand your position. If she's not, well, you have only invested 10 months into the relationship.
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