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I'm really confused and unsure If I'm being walked all over.

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 January 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 28 January 2009)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, *arl619 writes:

Hello all !

I'm going through a bit of a confusing time regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. First of all I'm gay, but it shouldn't have any bearing on my dilemma. I know that you guys and girls give good advice cos I've seen it before! So I'm asking you all what should I do?

Basically, I've been with my partner for about a year and have known him for 3 years but at Christmas I found how that he had kissed another guy back in October . Now we were going through a rough patch at the time but thats mainly cos we are in a long distance relationship. We are very straight acting people, dont go out on the scene or anything like that.

It gets worse though because I was very suspcious and logged into his facebook ( yes my bad) and found out he wrote the following to the guy in question ( who happens to be straight)- 2 months after the event, when our relationship was getting back on track.

My boyfriend:

07 December at 03:05

Just come back from Nexus, couldn't help but reminisce of past times haha . Ohhhh that romantic night we had, lol!. x

Other dude:

07 December at 08:48

haha yerrr that was rather awesome, i seemed to lose a lil bit of memory from that night but i dont think anything controversial happend in the time i forgot stuff lol

asif i met you lol, i dont remember how it came about...just thort :s what am i doin lol

My boyfriend:07 December at 13:02

lol, totally random innit. i think sharon was doing a bit of matchmaking. one second i'm singing quite happily, the next i'm closer to you than i ever thought i would be lol. still, i'm not complainin haha

Other dude :07 December at 16:40

haha oh

the important question...was i any good lol

My boyfriend:

07 December at 20:51

i reckon i'd have gone back for seconds yeh, haha

As you can imagine reading that was very hurtful. Now, despite all this, he is a lovely guy and he means alot to me and when we meet up we have the times of our lives but every day I cant help but think of that event and not only how he hid it from me but how even up to a month ago how he was flirting with this guy still! Even though he is straight. So, do you think he did what he did because i was getting on his back and threatening to leave at the time? Or do you think what he did was just wrong and shows no respect?! On top of all this , its the FOURTH time he's done something behind my back ( he's viewed my msn logs ) and it just feels like he puts no effort in us sometimes (he didn't even get me a Christmas card lol) I'm really confused and unsure If I'm being walked all over. So I leave it open to you guys! Thanks for the help :-)

View related questions: christmas, facebook, flirt, long distance, msn

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A male reader, SoCali United States +, writes (28 January 2009):

Dear Karl,

It's not clear to me what the rules of your relationship are. If they are something along the lines of "we love each other, we are monogamous, etc.", he is in serious violation, and you need to call him on it. Even if he promises to change, and even if he thinks he means it, he may not. Monogamy is hard for men, and given geographical distance, it takes the discipline and determination of a saint.

I almost get the impression that the two of you might have different ideas of what the relationship is. If one of you thinks it's something like I described above, and one thinks that you're only monogamous when you're both in the same town, or that you're just wonderful friends who sometimes have great sex (and I'm not knocking those-- they can be great, as long as both parties are on the same page), then you both need to sit down and have a serious talk about what you respectively want/need from the relationship. Your goals and desires may not be compatible. If not, it makes sense to do some hard thinking about whether it is healthy for you to remain in this relationship.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (24 January 2009):

Boonridge McPhalify agony aunthe cheats, doesn't get you a present at christmas and lives very far away.

none of these things point towards a good future. the trust is gone and he doesn't put effort in. that is not a relationship.

you can do better than provide base camp for bed hopping. i think you can do better and you should leave this and work towards someone who can treat you how you want to be treated.

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A female reader, sappygirl United States +, writes (24 January 2009):

sappygirl agony auntsometimes when you love a person so much, you are blinded by all the bullcrap they throw your way. You justify it and get in denial mode. You put up with it and next thing you know, they see this as a weakness and push the boundries further and further. It is our job to tell them what we will put up with and not put up with. So by stating what your needs are from him. yes..he is walking all over you. but only because you are letting him.

Once again, sometimes we want to be loved so bad by this person that you think someone you love would ever hurt you in this way. Unfortunately, it happens the most in romantic relationships. You have to take a stand and getting the relationship that you want. You are young, and there are so many other fishes out in the sea who will love and treat you with respect. It is obvious that the trust is gone. So you the thing is...don't threaten to leave. Just do it...he will know why.

When you say it and don't do it...he knows you won't mean it and won't take it seriously. therefore he slowly lose respect for you.

Show with your actions not word. he wants a strong partner so show him how strong you can be with your actions and not your words. good luck

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