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I'm married he's married why can't I just walk away?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 July 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 12 July 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am married and have been with a married man for 4 and a half years. He has continually asked me to marry him, sent me houses online and tells me that we are ‘one’ and meant to be . I have asked him to leave and be with me and he says he is not ready that it has to be the right time for both of us.

We both go on our own family holidays and engage in our own social lives, which drives me crazy. He is on holiday with friends and family now. I feel anxious and sick. He is saying that we need to make plans to be together. I feel like I am at my wits end. I find that I’m comparing myself to his wife. We know each other socially. I feel like a wreck.

I have finished it so many times but we always end up back together. I’m now always anxious and stressed and generally irrational. I know what I need to do but just can’t seem to. I think we both feel like we can’t trust the other. Why do I seem to lack the strength to walk away? I constantly wonder whether he will leave or am I just another fool.

View related questions: married man, on holiday

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

Leave your husband and tell him you're good to go for him to dump his spouse, get a house, move in and live happily ever after. Do you really think that will happen?

If not carry on cheating on your spouses, continue the deceit and the unhappiness and anxiety for the foreseeable future.

Be fair on your husband and end your marriage, you don't have one iota of a toss about him. I can't speak for your lover he may feel like shit for what he is doing to his wife, who knows, but you, well you need to leave your husband because all you care about is yourself and how it affects your life and feelings.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (11 July 2018):

...or am I just another fool?

You already know the answer to that one.

He has you on a string. He dangles pictures of houses in front of you and makes promises of your being together, promises he will never keep. Unless his wife catches him and throws him out then he may come crawling to you but that’s a big may.

You don’t walk away because you’re addicted to the thrill. The thrill of illicit sex. The thrill off getting away with something.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018):

People do all sorts of things in life that they later regret and having an affair outside of marriage is often something they deeply regret.

The only way you can break free is when you realise that you are an optional extra.

To a great extent your extra marital sex life depends largely on your partner being otherwise innocently occupied.

Then you dont feel you have to justify or excuse your cheating.

Imagine if you sailed out of the house all freshened up for your quickie with your friends husband!

It just wouldnt be the same if you kissed him goodbye (your husband that is) and said "I'm just off to screw my friends partner! "

You wouldnt say it because it would make you feel cheap!

And sneaking about suits your personality more.

But if it were the reverse and your husband swung out of the house saying "I just gotta screw your friend whose got the hots for me!"

Its very unlikely that you'd say "O.K. darling ..bend her up for me!"

So its a fairly unrealistic love life as it all slots in around other people not knowing or believing something that isnt true.

Such as the old gymn excuse etc.

Its your own tangled web you're weaving so its up to you when you choose to stop deceiving.

Why do you need to ask if you are hell bent on carrying on?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018):

I'm in your position. Mistress for 5 years. Only I'm single. I actually left my husband before I began this affair. I didn't want to destroy him. Not sure how you can do that to the man you chose to spend your life with? You're addicted to the high. Real life is boring and there is something missing in your marriage and something is wrong with you as a person.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntAll I got from your post is 'me me me poor me'. There is no compassion or guilt there for your husband or his wife which explains to me what kind of person you are. He asked you to marry him? Please, you are both already married so how on earth does that work? It sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear to keep you sweet yet he still lives his life with his family. In fairness you both do deserve each other, hopefully use will one day be fit to get married! You really shoud see by now that if he is not ready to leave his wife after four and a half years off being unfaithful with you then he has no intentions of doing so. The only way I can see this happening is if his wife finds out hes a liar and a cheat and throws him out, he will go to you then as you are his back up! Living your life with your family drives you crazy? Then why do it? Why stay with a husband who you don't respect? Surely you can see that he deserves better and that you should be open and honest with him? Even if it means you being single at least your husband can have a second chance of meeting someone who doesn't treat him like dirt? I really don't know how you can lie beside your husband at night and not be eaten alive with guilt. The only comparison between you and his wife is the fact that he married her and made vows to her, not that they meant anything because he is playing around with you! It makes it worse that you actually know his wife, how on earth do you look her in the eye? It scares me when you say family holidays, I really hope that doesn't mean there is children involved in this. You have finished it but you are to weak and you go back. Surely it is time to be honest with your husband? Four and a half years of his life has been a lie, surely he deserves better than that? That would crush a person! Truly break them, he may never be the same again, he may never trust again all because you wanted to have sex with another person. Have you no loyalty? Why did you get married to him in the first place? I can understand why you both don't trust each other, I mean you are cheating on your spouses so I doubt he would have any more loyalty to you if use got together. The next woman that looks at him side ways and off he will go! Then you might find out how it feels like! Do you honestly think you and him could be happy together? Get married and all would be good? No use would always be suspitious because use are both aware use are both cheats! You don't lack the strength to walk away, all you should think about is the hurt this inflicts on innocent people and that would do it if you cared, but you dont! You put your own needs and wants infront of hurting innocent people. I cannot tell you if he will leave his wife or not, but either way you should do the right thing and be honest.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 July 2018):

N91 agony auntYou’re meant to be but he won’t leave his wife? Don’t you see how contradictory that is?

Why don’t you leave the husband you clearly don’t love before jumping into bed with the first guy that shows you some attention? Where’s your conscience? I feel for your poor husband and his wife, they deserve better.

Everything about this is laughable. You can’t trust each other?? You’re cheating on your partners for god sake. What makes either of you trustworthy? You’re committing the lowest act possible in a relationship. What happened to your marriage vows? Get your head out your ass, get a grip and either work on your marriage or leave your husband.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 July 2018):

YouWish agony auntA cheater's words are absolutely worthless. How can he ASK you to marry him if both of you are married? Because he's saying whatever worthless crap he can say to keep you in his bed.

When you press the subject and want to make plans to leave your husband and marry him, he keeps you at arm's length because he has no intention whatsoever of leaving his wife for you. That way he can throw worthless words at you and keep you as his penis-glove.

YOU are a cheater too. Every breath you breathe with your husband is a lie. Every time you say "I love you" to your husband is worthless, because LOVE is actions, not words.

You can't walk away because you're weak, so you're content with being used by the guy, degrading your own marriage, and getting used up.

There IS no formula. You just walk away. THen you treat the guy as if he's dead to you. It's simple, but you don't want to do it because you LIKE betraying your spouse.

At this point, it's only a matter of time before your husband finds out and your life is destroyed. You haven't gotten that into your head, or you'd quit cheating!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2018):

It is clear that you are unhappy in your marriage. That is the crux of the matter. Do you have any children? That will be a big complication if you decide to get divorce. You should do a thurough soul search and see why you are unhappy with your husband and can things be repaired between you and him? If you decide to save your marriage and repair things then for Gods sake don't ever tell him you have been cheating. Just bury it in your deepest memory. Consider it the biggest mistake of your life. Just one final note. This other man maybe loves you but he will never leave his wife and will nevwr jeoperdize his life for you. He is quite happy with the set up but clearly you are not.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (10 July 2018):

Code Warrior agony aunt"Why do I seem to lack the strength to walk away?"

Because you lack discipline. Because You're selfish. Because you're untrustworthy. Brecause you're dishonest. Because you're needy. Because you're lazy. Because you're a betrayer and a backstabber. I could go on and on, but you get the point.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (9 July 2018):

mystiquek agony auntThe other aunts have nailed it so I'm just going to add my own thoughts. He isn't leaving his wife because he doesn't want to. He probably never will leave her. You are the little side dish, the forbidden desert that he can have and meanwhile he plays great husband, great dad without his family knowing about his dirty little secret. I believe if push came to shove, even if his wife would find out that he would chose wife/family over you. THINK ABOUT THAT.

You enjoy the thrill too. It isn't that you can't leave the married don't want to! Stop kidding yourself. Your husband deserves better. If you don't love him and don't care then do the decent thing and set him free. How would you feel if your husband was the cheater? THINK ABOUT THAT.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2018):

Because it feels too good to cheat and have 2 lovers? No one can ever get enough of love!

It would be a totally different story if you both left your significant others to be together. You would not enjoy it as much.

It's awful what you and him are doing. It's selfish. You both are just wrong.. but the sad thing is, you enjoy it.. you're almost addicted to that feeling.

There is no advice anyone can give you. You will still choose to go to him and have your affairs.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 July 2018):

Cheating-spouses usually keep their relationships going until their husbands or wives catches them. Meanwhile, they enjoy the adrenaline-rush that comes with sneaking around; and the thrill of the risk of being caught at anytime.

It would takeaway the mystique and the intrigue to simply quit, go through the agony of divorce; and lose the option of just returning to your spouse until you feel the need to cheat again. It's passion and soap opera drama on-demand.

You get to keep-up appearances, maintain your present lifestyle, avoid detection, and feel a different penis.

You are both punishing your spouses. They upset you or do things you don't like, and you can secretly betray them and getaway with it. It's mean and toxic; but the thrill of it all is too much to give-up.

You like having two husbands. One that helps pay the bills, creates a family and married-life, and the other adds the passion your marriage lacks.

You enjoy cheating and still maintaining a marriage; because you get drunk on the poison it injects into your failing marriage. It satisfies your greed. You enjoy betraying your husband out of scorn. When you have arguments or disagreements; you have the satisfaction of knowing you will simply go behind his back, and have sex with another man. So all that he has to say or what he thinks is moot. The spiteful-sex of betrayal is all the more enjoyable.

There is an element within your personality that is vindictive; and you're getting too much satisfaction out of things as they are. You don't lack the strength to walkaway. You enjoy things exactly the way they are! That's why people cheat for so very long. They just like the taste of it.

It's all very sweet now. When all comes to light; it will be the most bitter and traumatic experience you've ever had in your whole life. He isn't leaving his wife for you, he's just having a good time.

You don't want a divorce. You're getting what you want on the side; and it's having everything you want without sacrificing what you already have. In the back of your mind, you're thinking you can just return to your marriage; as if nothing ever happened, if or when the affair ends. Nothing is lost regardless of whether it continues or ends. It's win-win all the way around.

Most cheating spouses can't stand the thought of their own spouses finding someone else. Staying married to them prevents them from finding someone better. There's a selfish part of a cheater that makes them feel they have a right to hold-on to what they have; while getting what they need from somebody else. They feel justified. They feel they're simply supplementing their relationship.

You've blinded yourself with toxic-pleasure and get-off on betrayal. You really can't see it for what it really is.

You're being unfaithful and having an affair. You are betraying your marriage, and have pissed-away your wedding vows. Why should he leave his wife when he has it so good?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy not look at your own actions, OP?

Why have you not left YOUR husband yet? You obviously don't love your husband enough to be faithful, so why stay?

As for why you can't stay away from this married man, well because you CHOSE not to. You get something out of this affair that you aren't willing to let go.

Just remember the statistics here, if HE leaves his wife and you leave your husband to get married... the divorce rate for people who had affairs... are over 80%.

Not great stats.

I do think you NEED to decide (REGARDLESS of what this married man wants to do or not) if your marriage is worth saving or if it's time to walk away. If it's worth saving, then you know what to do. If you don't want your marriage no longer then ACT like a GROWN UP and get a divorce. Be single, DATE only single men etc.

What YOU are currently doing is going to hurt a LOT of people.. but you don't give a shit about that, right? Only that you feel like a wreck because he is on holiday with his family....

Grow up. There is nothing glamorous or romantic about CHEATING on your family.

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