A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I have been seeing a girl for a month or two now and it is absolutely fantastic, I love her with all of my heart and consider her to be 'the one' for me. There is just a slight thing which I know I am getting too hung up about but I would be interested to hear people's opinions anyway. Basically, she and I work together, we share the same office, and before we got together there was another guy we work with who was always finding flimsy excuses to come visit us (her) in the office and it was just very obvious that he liked her too. Anyway, I have just learned that during the couple of months before she and I got together, this guy propositioned her and they ended up a few times having sex in the back of one of their cars. I know I should let this go as everyone has a history and we weren't together then so I can't really be mad but the thought of it really messes with me and the fact that I will have to see him everyday from now on really doesn't help. She has told me this was a mistake and she regrets it but I think about things like how, after the first time, she would have got into his car knowing full well what was going to happen and obviously being okay with it and it does make me really jealous and crazy, I can't help it. Plus, there is the fact that I know the guy will be back on the scene at some point trying to set up 'the next time' with her; she has told me that when that happens she will shut him down cold now we are together and I believe her and trust her on that, but I am just really struggling with the fact that she went with this guy in the first place, and I feel like a fool that he would come to the office and they would both know what he was really there for and I would have no real idea (I thought he was harmless), plus it just sounds so tawdry and cheap, a few desperate fucks in the back of a car. Any thoughts anyone has on this would be appreciated, even if it is just to tell me to grow up or pull myself together. Also, if anyone else has had the same experience then that would help too, unlikely though that may be.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): Hi. So I am the guy who wrote this question a couple of days back and I just wanted to say thanks to those who took the time to give me their thoughts on it. There has been a little bit of progress on this thing since I wrote the question, in that, as predicted, the guy made a new move today. However, my girlfriend told him politely but firmly that it wasn't going to happen and that she was seeing someone else now and that it was serious. (He has been away for a while so wasn't up to speed on all of this.) Obviously, I'm really happy with this and it has helped to give me the full stop that I needed on this topic. I would like to thank jls022 for making the point that I either had to accept the situation or break up but that I couldn't continue with my girlfriend and hold it over my her head, you are totally right on that point and I will follow your advice here and let it go so that we can be happy together. Also, to those of you who mentioned that there are probably things in my past that I am ashamed of and regret, well, yes, there are and you are right that if I want my misdeeds to be left in the past then I have to leave hers there too. Overall with the closure I got today I do feel better now and, once again, I would just like to thank those who read about my situation and felt compelled to respond.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (10 August 2014):
To the male anon, if someone believes that casual sex is a turnoff then you're right, that is their opinion and they are entitled to it. If that is the case with the OP, then all he can do is end the relationship because the past cannot be changed.
However, I would only respect that opinion if the person in question had never had any casual sexual encounters themselves. Too often on here, we get people who are mad that their partner had casual sex before meeting them, yet they were happy to indulge themselves. That is a double standard, and in that case it IS a fault of that person. As they say, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Now back to the OP, I'm not sure what your sexual history is so the above may not apply, but basically your only choices are to either accept that your girlfriend did have a casual sexual relationship in the past, or you end the relationship. What you can't do (and I'm not saying you will, but based on the posts on here it happens a lot) is keep going out with her while holding this over her head.
Like everyone, your girlfriend is not perfect, and she did something she regretted. Like everyone else in the world. She won't be the first or last person to think something was ok at the time then really regret it later. I certainly have and I'm sure you have too - it's what makes people human. For example, looking back now, if I could go back and erase my entire first relationship I would. My boyfriend at the time didn't treat me well at all, but I was so blinded by love at the time I thought he could to no wrong. That's my past and it is what it is, but I'd be pretty upset if my current boyfriend judged me harshly for that now because it has nothing to do with him.
OP only you know how you feel about this, and you must decide what to do based on that. However, think how you would feel if it were the other way around, and she judged you based on something you did before you were together?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): Don't use the word jealous. You aren't jealous so don't sell your emotions short like that. You are bothered by the principle of what she did, you don't want to be with someone who is okay with having casual sex. Or at least you don't want to be reminded of it. This is a completely different issue from jealousy.
Many people call your feeling jealousy because they cannot (or don't want to) understand the idea that someone might find casual sexual morals unattractive. Calling it jealousy paints your feelings as a personal fault of yours instead of an equally valid opinion.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (9 August 2014):
 Its pretty obvious what has happened here. You liked her, you started gaining feelings for her in these months leading up to you getting together. So for someone getting her attention that wasn't you, it made you jealous, even if it was before you were together.
However like you said yourself, it was before you were together, she had no idea you fancied her and even if she did, she owed nothing to you, because you weren't with one and other.
And I won't lie, yes the whole thing back in a car does sound pretty cheap, which has probably made you more annoyed about it because you had higher opinions of her. However we all do things we regret, i'm pretty sure in your life you might of had a few sexual encounters which you have regretted, or might of had sex with someone in a rather un-flattering place or just for the hell of it, and it isn't something you can hold against her.
You should kinda be thankful she trusted you enough to tell you something like this, so early on in your relationship as i'm pretty sure your work place may not agree with what she had been doing.
However, i'd say its kinda common to get jealous of something like this, you don't like the idea of someone who had sex with your girlfriend being around her or you, especially since he caught her attention for you, its a common enough thing to be pissed off about, and like with wild cats in the jungle, you feel you have to show your dominance, to show she is yours and he isn't hers, almost like you a competing for her overall attention.
However you are forgetting something...he is a competitor any more. She prefers you over him, and wouldn't you say its better that she just slept with him instead of actually getting in a relationship with him and choosing you to be with instead? A quick hoo ha is nothing compared to someone actually wanting to be with you, and you've got to remember, she doesn't love him, she loves you, thats why she is with you.
You do need to let this go, and you don't need to hold it against her, because if you are making her feel bad about it, then its wrong and you will find yourself getting more easily jealous about things. I think you should let her know you are okay with what happened, because it happened when you weren't entwined in any way.
If you do feel like you can't get over this, and you are going to hold it against her, then break up, because i'll tell you now it won't work and all it will do is make you more jealous, and her feel like she has done something wrong.
As for the guy, I can't say your jealousy is going to just vanish over night because it won't, but ignore these feelings. When you see him at work and you think about what happened, ignore it, push them feelings back and get on with your work. Because having a work office as a war ground isn't a good environment to find yourself in.
Let her deal with it if he asks her again, I have no doubt she will tell him she doesn't want to, and the only time I think it will be okay for you to involve yourself in this is if he keeps pestering her, which lets hope he doesn't.
Good Luck x
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