A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Im in love with my cousins wife.Im 20 and she is in her thirties. I moved in with my cousin in September. Within a couple of months my cousins wife made a move on me when he was at work and her son was up stairs asleep i was shocked at first her coming on to me but i couldn't resist ( I know its not an excuse). A couple months later me and my cousin have a fight but he had no proof of us hooking up he only caught me getting her water when she was drunk. After this incident ive moved out of my cousins and me and his wife are hooking up both still in love with each other (she was the one who said she loved me first). I asked her why she wanted to have sex with me in the first place she said i dont love him because he has cheated on me numerous times (which he has i have caught him a couple of times) and she has feelings for me and loves me. A couple months later me and my cousin get back in touch and everything is fine but im still hooking up with his wife i know its wrong and i dont want to be in this situation but we love each other and i asked her regardless if i wasnt in the situation she said she will leave him eventually because there is no spark there because she doesnt love him. so what should i do please help me
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, cousin, drunk, move on, moved in, moved out, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 April 2016):
You won’t get the exact same connection again, simply because everyone is different. Will you find some-one else with whom you will feel equally fulfilled? Yes, in all likelihood. A year is nothing, so wait it out but what I’ve been trying to say to you (and I think you get it perfectly) is make a life of your own. I’m not trying to criticise this woman in any way but I’m worried that she is depending on you. Yes I’m sure she does care about you but I wonder how suitable she would find you if she had a happier life of her own. This year-long deadline really has to be non-negotiable. Then we’ll know.
For some people, a person with baggage is attractive. They find fulfilment in helping that person, making them feel good about themselves and giving them what they’ve been missing. It’s all very noble but it begs the question of what happens once that person is in a better place? If she can’t rely on you as an emotional crutch during this year (which means you not being available whenever she needs), she’ll figure out for herself whether she wants the full-blown relationship or not.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATEI asked her if she would support her and she said she will she always ask me how im getting on with my course work and even says she will text me less to make sure i dont get distracted from her. You're right Aidan i do in a way i do want to be there for her as she is a great person but its not fair on me and i need to keep my head down and focus on my study's until she can split up with him.my other concern is if i give up on what we have will i ever have this connection with someone else as i have with her ive never felt this connection with anyone else. I think her child would be really upset especially if i was with her but within time he will accept me as he likes me now and we get on. the age gap has never bothered me i have always gone for older woman in my lifetime, as she is older i may never get children with her but even then i would adopt it wouldn't bother me the slightest. i will after a year move on as this university will only get harder i dont need problems like this if she really loved me i think a year is long enough to make a decision.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 April 2016):
Sorry, I haven’t been on here for a couple of days. Yes you should text her less. I think you both need time completely apart from each other to figure out whether there is anything lasting, or workable here. You begin your follow-up stating that it is more about sex, then you go on to imply that it is actually more than that as you stopped the sex for a while. Sex is getting in the way here. You’re both meeting each other’s need to feel special and desired. In a committed relationship, that’s brilliant – exactly what sex is made for. When you’re trying to figure things out, it is not helpful. What are you getting out of this? You say she confides in you and feels so much love for you and that you love her. Is she going to be your rock during your uni years, when things will undoubtedly get tough at some point? Is she going to support you and help you with your concerns and issues? Or are you the emotional crutch she relies on to vent about her failing relationship?
I think you’re probably a nice guy. I think you probably want to be her knight in shining armour, but that’s no foundation for anything lasting. If everything’s all about her and her problems, she’s using you, perhaps without realising, but she’s certainly not showing you the concern that a partner should. It’s not enough for you to be the things she wishes her husband is; she’s got to appreciate the person you are and the needs you have too.
So, yes you need to text her much less. You need to tell her that what you need now is space to focus on your studies and future plans. If you are going to meet before you go to uni, you should do so occasionally and don’t have sex. You should discuss what you would both need from a future relationship, not just the latest crisis in her life. For you that means taking on a 13 year-old as well – that’s big. How will you both cope with being at very different stages of your lives? What will you need from her? You have to do a lot of preparation if you’re really going to give this a go. When you go to uni, throw yourself fully in to university life. Be disciplined and don’t keep texting her. After a year, you really do have to move on.
I would ideally advise you to forget about it now, but it’s clear you’re smitten and I think you’ll have to figure this one out on your own, so follow my suggestions and see what happens.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATEthe affair has gone on for about 6 months now and it is more about sex from speaking about it to each other. Her son is 13 years of age and my cousin is the nearest thing to a father he has. i feel like i can withstand the rough parts of it as if think of not having her in my life and it affects me deeply. i told her i cant put my life on hold for which she understood and said once she is financial ready she can leave him which could be up to a year. im going to uni anyway and said if she takes longer then a year i have to move on from her. i asked her if it was just sex and she explained she never feel more open with anyone as she has with me she feels so muc love towards me she tells me personal issues from her past that she never told her husband or a counsellor. i try to leave her but i love her and i told her just to leave me and she says the same we even stopped the sex for a while to see if it was just sex and it wasnt we met for coffees and spent time together. i told her before to focus on repairing the relationship and she says i have tried to tell him to be more open and have better sex but he doesnt listen to me about my problems and she still cant over the fact he cheated on her many times. thank you for your reply im going to university in September so i want to focus on that more and my a levels at the moment as this is affecting my studying i just cant get her out my head should i text her less or what.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe affair has gone on for about 6 months now and it is more about sex from speaking about it to each other. Her son is 13 years of age and my cousin is the nearest thing to a father he has. i feel like i can withstand the rough parts of it as if think of not having her in my life and it affects me deeply. i told her i cant put my life on hold for which she understood and said once she is financial ready she can leave him which could be up to a year. im going to uni anyway and said if she takes longer then a year i have to move on from her. i asked her if it was just sex and she explained she never feel more open with anyone as she has with me she feels so muc love towards me she tells me personal issues from her past that she never told her husband or a counsellor. i try to leave her but i love her and i told her just to leave me and she says the same we even stopped the sex for a while to see if it was just sex and it wasnt we met for coffees and spent time together. i told her before to focus on repairing the relationship and she says i have tried to tell him to be more open and have better sex but he doesnt listen to me about my problems and she still cant over the fact he cheated on her many times. thank you for your reply im going to university in September so i want to focus on that more and my a levels at the moment as this is affecting my studying i just cant get het out my head should i tect her less or what.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 April 2016):
How complicated! You know the saying that 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Whatever your cousin has done, it doesn’t make what his wife is doing (and what you’re doing with her) acceptable. You need to think seriously about this. Is there anything more to this than sex? You are 20 and she is a woman in her 30s with a son who I assume is at most a teenager. That means your cousin (I assume he’s the father) will never be out of the picture. Elicit trysts are one thing, but a relationship can’t survive on good sex alone. Are you ready for the rough with the smooth? Because there will be a lot of rough – the likely loss of any relationship with your cousin being a first that springs to mind. If you want to be with her, talk it through. Explain to her that you’ll need to be honest with your cousin and set some expectations as to when the cousin will be informed and she will leave him. I can’t help wondering, though, if she’s just enjoying the sex and the attention and doesn’t see you as relationship material. If you don’t want to be with her (or she doesn’t want you), stop the affair completely. Tell her to focus her thoughts on her marriage and make the right decision for her. Then keep your distance. Usually when a cheating partner stalls over leaving their spouse, it’s either because they’re not really after a relationship from the lover on the side, or because they actually have no desire to leave but keep the best of both worlds. They tell you what you want to hear often enough to keep you coming back for more.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 April 2016):
 The only proper way through this is for you to cool your relations with her until she leaves him. That proves serious intent on her part. It proves she doesn't want to be with him anymore, and she can then fully commit to you.
You need to be careful you don't get cited in divorce proceedings. You need to be squeaky clean until she is free of her obligations to her husband.
You also haven't mentioned if children are involved. You are taking on a whole shed load of responsibilities just because you have been seduced by an older woman who is tired of her marriage.
Just for a moment screw your sensible head on, and put it back in your pants.
...............................
|
