A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so there's this guy. I've known him for about ten years, infact even longer than his wife. He's actually a family friend and all we have ever been is friends. However about 7 months ago after me, his wife and him went out for some drinks, we went back to his house, his wife went to bed and he and I ended up sharing a kiss.Ever since then our relationship has been full of sexual inuendos and restricted desire. We haven't slept together or even kissed again as he is a good man and wouldn't do that to his wife.. not your typical 'cheater'! But there has been constant flirting and secret messages back and forth and phonecalls, always when wife is not around. He makes every excuse to come and see me and be with me on my own. I started seeing another guy and he got insanely jealous and said he didnt want to lose me, he was v.happy when I finished it with this guy. He's even told me he loves me and I have told him too. Thing is he has never ever been happy with his wife, as a family friend, i know this, he has never been madly inlove with her, the way I saw he was for his ex before, he was blackmailed into living together and marriage and she is murder to live with, never letting him go out with his friends, very possesive etc. She told me herself he refuses to sleep with her (max once every 2 months) so they are not even having an active sex life. He is not happy in the relationship, they've nearly broken up many times (the most recent being a month after we kissed he finished with her but she convinced him to give it another go).In the beginning it was just a kiss but now I think I am in love with him. I know he's not happy and if he finished with her I know I could make him happy but I don't feel it is my place to do anything while he is still with her.I think he is such a nice person he doesnt want to hurt her.I don't know what to do.. Do I talk to him about how I feel, or suggest that if he's not happy he should leave.. or should I let them get on with it and wait to pick up the peices if they do break-up...? Thing is I'm scared she may trap him by getting pregnant, she wants a baby but he is refusing to sleep with her as he doesn't want one...What shall I do????thank-u in advance..p.s. please refrain from being nasty.. if i was a bad person I would have made more moves to sleep with him already.. but I havent and he hasnt done that to me cos I do respect that they are married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey ms anonymous..I have thought about that alot cos I often wonder that maybe he is holding back cos he isn't entirely sure how I feel about things.. u know what men are like.. maybe he doesn't want to leave what he has put effort, time, and money into if I'm not even gunna be there waiting there for him when he does.. maybe if we talked about things properly then he could make his decision.. but then again, i dont want his decision to leave a marriage to be BECAUSE of me.. ?!!??!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I think since the two of you are such good friends you should talk about the feelings you share. I will say this he may be a nice guy but if he is really tired of the marriage being nice has nothing to do with it. Talk it over and maybe if he know how you truly feel it may help him think the situation through.
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reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (27 November 2009):
Good for you love!! Be strong, I know it's hard. I'm really proud of you, and we are here for you if you ever need to talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everybody and esp TigerLily,
I hear you all and I want to say thanks because this has opened my eyes more- kc100 thankyou, I never realised before that what was going on with us had a name- emotional affair. I googled it and I realise that is exactly what has been going on!
I have decided, that if he is unhappy in his marriage and wants to leave then he should do so of his own accord and for his own reasons, not cos of me or our relationship. If he does leave, even then I will give it time cos he should be on his own before, and if, anything were to happen with me (thanks madlib).
He says he loves me and he always wants to be with me but it's her he goes home to and I shouldn't settle for second best.
I think what he is having is his cake and eating it. He's getting what he wants from me cos he isn't getting it from her. the last thing I want to do is 'enable' him to stay where he is.
he needs to make his own mind up what he wants and till then I'll back off cos this can't go on forever...
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reader, Tigerlily +, writes (25 November 2009):
Hi darlin,
You ask really good questions. From what I have learned in my years (I'm 38) I have seen this strange dynamic sometimes... that really good, kind hearted people seem to attract really difficult troubled people. And for reasons no one can understand they stick together like glue. I think perhaps the good person feels needed, that this troubled person simply can't get by without them. Sounds dumb, but it's powerful, and I've seen it time and again. Like someone else said, no one ever stays in a life situation unless there is something in it for them. By staying with her, he gets to feel like the poor martyred hero who stood by his bad wife.
When it comes to marriage, there are all these deep emotional and psychological dynamics that defy logic. The arguments you offer for why he should leave make total sense in a rational, logical way. But there are deeper things at work here.
Perhaps the good person has low self esteem and doesn't feel they deserve any better. I don't know. I had a good friend G, and he's a wonderful man and his wife was just awful. Alcoholic, lazy, demanding, demeaning. And he stayed with her for years. Eventually she cheated on him and ran off with some sleazeball. When I asked him why he stayed, he said he felt responsible for her. That he had to stand by her and try to help her. It didn't seem to matter to him that she never contributed to the union.
As for what you are, well the person who is stuck in this unhappy situation still has needs. Still longs for kindness, affection, connection and romance. Since they don't get it at home... if they find it somewhere else, they take it. Even though they know it's wrong, when you are thirsty you drink. So honey I think that's what you are. You are the fresh water that quenches his longing for good things. And the crazy part is that by doing that, you are actually helping him STAY where he is, by giving him what he needs. It's called enabling. If you didn't give it to him then his need for good love might eventually grow stronger than his fears of leaving or his martyr thing. He might eventually get to a point where he starts to put what he needs first in a healthy way.
And the other danger too, is that the longer you stay involved in this... the longer you put up with only getting a little bit from him, the less he will respect you or see you as deserving more. You think if you are kind and patient and giving and sacrificing that he will be grateful and eventually reward that. But he won't. In just the same way his wife doesn't respect him for putting up with her crap. And if he himself doesn't think he deserves better, then he won't see you as deserving better either.
I really hope this isn't coming across as harsh. I know you have a beautiful innocent heart that cares, and I'm saying all this because I want to protect you from getting involved in a situation that will do damage to your beautiful heart. You deserve better.
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reader, madlib +, writes (25 November 2009):
I have been in this situation...actually his...and let me tell you this....no matter what he says or does...he is not ready to be in any relationship with anyone else until he is separated from her and has some time under his belt to let go and find himself as an individual...it isn't healthy for either of you...he is keeping you from growing as an individual by bringing you in to something that has existed before you came and will continue to exist after you leave....you don't want to be involved with someone during or right after this kind of relationship because he no longer knows who he really is or what he really wants anymore and is diving in to the emotional and physical support that you provide him instead of dealing with his issues head on....this is only going to get more confusing and harder for the both of you if you keep going down this road...and I can say even if he did leave her and move right in with you...he will not be entering the relationship without all the baggage of his last one..he will still have the same insecurites that he has now until he finds his own sense of self...which usually requires being single for a year or so before entering another serious relationship.....move on darling, as much as it hurts, it is better for you to love and lost and move on to someone who is emotionally and physically available...and who morally would never kiss another woman, despite how emotionally distraught they feel.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 November 2009):
 What the two of you are doing is called an emotional affair. You might not have slept together yet but you are both getting emotionally involved.
Each of you for maybe different reasons.
HE is a grown ass man, if he is soooooo unhappy he needs to get out. either he has no balls or he is not so unhappy in his marriage as he is letting on.
To be honest, I would walk away now. This had no good ending what so ever. If you guys start sleeping together, it will come out, people will get hurt, you included.
If YOU are who he wants to be with, he needs to know that you do not want to be a "thing" on the side. Either he leaves her or he can stay. He is in charge of his life.
If he does leave her and start up a relationship with you, how long do you think it will take before YOU are the horrible wife and some other 20 year old is looking mighty sweet to him?
It is not uncommon for married people after a while to forget to put in the work with their spouse. She obviously (from how HE sees it) is not interested in sex any more, and he is not interested in spending enough time talking to his wife to figure out why. I could be wrong, but I think it is just easier for him to make the wife the bad guy, because he KNOWS what he is doing with/to you is wrong on so many levels.
Sorry, I don't see a happy ever after for you two.
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reader, Miss. Courtney +, writes (24 November 2009):
Ok lets make this clear, he is married bc he wants to be, the blackmail excuse doesnt really fly with me unless someone had a gun to his head, he pissed off the mob, or someone was going to die if he didnt.. Now that those are very unlikely to not have happened, the fact is he is married and if he wanted to leave his big bad mean old wife then he would..
Ive heard it all from married men "we have kids and she will take them away and I cant afford child support" "We have an open relationship, we are just together for the money" "I love her but im not in love with her anymore" My reply is always the same- "the fact is ur still married and going home to your wife and im going home alone so maybe things would be different if you were available but your not so good luck with that"
Mister 'nice guy' wouldnt stick around so long and put up with such horrible abuse if he wasnt getting something out of it and even if what you say is true, if he hasnt left her bc he is so miserable then theres a reason and you probably wont be enough to make him leave her..
It is way worse to have an emotional affair behind the person's back who you vowed infront of God to spend eternity with than to randomly have sex with someone. If you love him then back off and give him time to figure out his life and what he wants.. If he chooses to leave her then hey- wish yall the best but if u keep interfering then karma will bite you in the ass.. and remember- playing with peoples emotions can piss someone off and throw them off the deep end so be smart before the wife catches up with you.
My ex had a physical and emotional affair with this one girl and it sent me so over the edge I wanted to get ahold of her and the fact that she was pregnant did not make me a difference. Now that isnt me by no means and I dont know that I would have gone through with it but the situation literally drove me insane..
Seems like you already have your mind made up and u are just looking for a way to get around your guilt bc you know its wrong. If you do decide to continue with what you are doing against your own conscience then dont worry- itll suck if u get burned but itll teach you alot about life.
A girl I worked with actually had a happy ending with a situation exactly like urs.. he was the godfather of her 10 yr old child and things just happened. Theres wasnt just "sexual inuendos" though- he showed her he truly loved her and made it clear he was going to be with her. He left his hateful wife and they now live together.. Even though every1 hated the wife because of how she belittled him, she was labeled as a homewrecker.. Just be careful and let it be his decision.. I strongly advise you to take a step back and let him get his head together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): sweetie, get on with your life. if at some point down the road he is free and interested you can rethink this scenerio but today he's not and by all accounts he never will be. he is getting something out of this relationship trust me. if he wasnt he would be glad to give her half of everything to be shed of her. he is withholding sex to keep her from having a child, he is trying to wait out her bio clock...sounds like a real winner. if he doesnt care for her and he doesnt want to father her children, he could walk out. he isnt walking, so he is not that unhappy. He is telling you whatever you want to hear and he plans to be in your panties before it is all said and done. go into the archives and read the posts. it may help you to see that your situation is not that unique, your guy not that special, your situation not all that hopeful, and your future not all that bright. Move on. Good luck, mal
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Ok to answer your next questions - yes what he is doing with you is just as bad, if not worse, than having a sexual affair. Sex can be put down as a physical act, with no feelings or emotions involved. Whereas him telling you that he loves you, sneaking around behind his wifes back to see you, all the secretive phone calls/texts - that is an emotional affair and that will hurt his wife just as much, if not more than if he had just had sex with you.
My mum recently found out that my dad (her husband) had feelings for our family friend (similar age to him) and they had been having an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical happened). Obviously my mum is devastated and she said all the lies and him having "feelings" for another woman is a million times worse than if he had just gone out and had sex with a woman. When you make your marriage vows you vow to love and cherish that person forever - to then fall in love with someone else is an utter betrayal. Sex sometimes is just lust, a physical expression. Whereas emotions and feelings build over time, and realistically you both have allowed yourselves to fall in love with each other.
So to summarise - yes this man is just as bad as all other cheaters, all affairs are wrong whether it is emotional or physical (or both).
I understand that you might not like this woman and your parents dont like her either - but at the end of the day he married her and he wont have entered into a life-long commitment if he didnt love her and like her as a person. So even if you dont see what is so good about her, he clearly does (or did at one point in time).
To answer what you are to him seen as he wont leave her - you are an escape from the mundane, an escape from the routine of his every day life. You are 9 years younger than him - he will be loving the fact that he can still attract a young beautiful girl! Men (and most women too) are flattered by attention, and your attention is addictive to him. You are a bit of fun I'm afraid, nothing more.
I am guessing he finds you very attractive, he finds you easy to talk to and enjoys being in your company. Whereas with his wife things will have got a bit dull and stale, so spending time with you will be a bit of fresh air to him.
And yes, it will go on like this forever if you let it! At the moment he has his cake and is eating it too - the wife for all the stability, security and future plans, and then you for all the fun, desire and forbidden element to his life. What more could this man want? So he is pretty happy with is lot at the moment, he has a wife and a pretty little play thing on the side. So here is your chance to be the bigger person and take control of the situation otherwise he will keep on feeding you the same lies and the same old story of how unhappy is - this way he keeps you hanging on when he has no intention of ever leaving her!
So unless you want to be wasting your time for the foreseeable future on a man who wont ever leave his wife for you, then you need to stop this right now and tell him its over and you dont want him to contact you again. Move on with your life and leave him to get on with his.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 November 2009):
 She's about to grow up real fast. And she isn't too young to get involved in someone else's marriage and break another woman's heart, by the way. I'll be nice when she behaves nicely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. TigerLily, you are right I am young, I'm 21 and he is in his 30s but it isn't just my opinion, my parents who are in there 50s (and happily married) bth think she is an absolute cow , they can't stand her and don't understand how he is still with her cos he's so nice, everyone in the wide circle of friends cant really stand her and feel sorry for him. However that is neither here nor there cos the fact is, he is still with her, happy or not. One of the reasons I think, is that he doesn't want to lose half of everything he owns in a divorce. harsh i know, but it is also harsh that she wants kids and he doesn't and he is preventing her chances by not sleeping with her. he can have kids whenever he wants, but, without sounding horrible, her clock is ticking.. so if he's not happy why doesn't he leave cos its not fair on her as well as everyone else.
Kc100, i dont think he is like all other married cheaters cos he hasnt slept with me.. or do u really think what he is doing is just as bad.. cos to me sleeping together is a whole lot worse..
Anyway guys I guess i should pose another Q.. if he isn't going to leave her.. what is he doing with me..? Is it some sort of fantasy he is playing out in his head but wouldn't actually act on? Is it going to go on like this forever?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): eyeswideopen be nice. she's young, she doesn't know how it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Your married man sounds just like the my married man. Why did he marry her. Everyone thinks she's awful. No one undersdtands why he would marry so mean a girl. Mine said he would never cheat too. All the things you say about him sound like all the things I used to say. He's not the typical. He's so good. I stood by him, full of love and thinking the best of him, for 3 years. He never left his wife he had so many excuses. Now I think if I'm so loving and she's so mean, why did he choose her? I wish someone had told me to stay away before I started. Oh yes my best friend did but i didn't listen. I wish I had listened. I still wnat to believe his lies. all i did for 3 years was cry.
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reader, Tigerlily +, writes (24 November 2009):
Oh honey. I'm with KC100. Don't romanticize this guy. You are young so please listen to your aunts who have more life experience. Read the other posts by women in your position on here, they say the SAME thing. He's so NICE he doesn't want to HURT her. Really? But he doesn't mind hurting himself if he's so very very unhappy? Or hurting you as he makes you dream about what you can't have? Makes you sneak around keeping secrets? Is that nice?
Honey you DESERVE someone who is there for you and willing to choose you, and be with you out in the open. Just you and him. Marriage is complex in ways you can't understand yet at your age. And if he's sticking it out, you are actually probably enabling him to do that. He can stay with her while he gets his "romance" fix from you.
Please trust me when I say I have known SO many good men who, if the marriage isn't working, will LEAVE. They don't want to hurt their wives either, but they know it's for the best. And I have also known so many women who have been in your position, in love with a married man, making excuses for him and how hard everything is for HIM, waiting in the shadows... while their self esteem whittles away only to realize after years of patience that the guy is not genuine, is NOT going to leave his wife, is never going to give them the love they crave.
Think of it this way... if this man is willing to LIE to his wife by sneaking around kissing and texting you behind her back, why is it so hard to believe he will lie to you a little bit about how bad things are? You need to tell this man you deserve better and you can't do this anymore. If and when he leaves you can see him but you won't sneak around.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 November 2009):
Such a tired old scenario and every time the "other woman" is so convinced she's in an unique situation. Just look at the postings we have in the archives for crying out loud. From the Aunts and Uncles you are going to get the same advice and the same abuse, but more importantly, you are going to get the same consequences from your poor decision to get involved in someone else's marriage.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 November 2009):
First of all a warning to you - this site is full of very angry people that have been cheated on in the past and they will project their anger onto you - in their eyes you are the one coming between the married couple, it is very black and white to them so please be prepared for some negative responses.
The problem is here that you think the world of this man and cannot see what he is doing - the typical male cheating husband act where he claims he is unhappy but then magically somehow cannot leave his wife. To put it simply - if a man is unhappy in his marriage he will leave. Regardless of anything else. So there is a lot that this man is not telling you! They have broken up but he decided to give it another go - what does that tell you? That he wants to give his marriage another go!
I would say that 99% of women that come on this site with the same predicament all say the same thing as you - that they love this married man and he wants to leave his wife because he isnt happy but he is too nice to go through with leaving her. What does this tell you? That men who cheat (whether it is a kiss, sex, or an emotional affair - they are all the same and equally as bad as each other) are feed the other woman in their lives the same bulls**t!
I think the problem with being in love with someone you cant have is that you paint such a rosy picture of that person and you paint a picture of their marriage, regardless of whether it is based on any truth because you want to believe so badly that there is a chance you can be together. If you saw things as they really are, you would see a married man who wants to work through his problems with his wife.
So what you need to do is leave this guy alone, leave his wife alone and get on with your life. Stop seeing both of them - I know you are family friends but until you have gotten over your feelings for him then you need to stay away. No good can come of this - at the end of the day if he wants to leave his wife it needs to be his choice and his choice alone. You cant push him into it, he has to do what is right for him and that is a conclusion he must come to on his own.
Realistically I would say he is not going to leave his wife, not now and not ever. So you are wasting your time on someone who has no interest in ever being in a relationship with you. So do the right thing and leave him to get on with his life, and you get on with yours. Keep your distance and find new ways to make yourself happy - this man never will make you happy, he will only bring you heartache and pain. Think about this - what if he did leave her for you? Surely if you both ever got married then you would live in constant fear that he will leave you for the next younger model that comes along. After all, if he can fall out of love and into love again with another person so easily, the chances are he would do it to you too.
I hope this helps and good luck
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