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I'm in love with a gay guy! He acts straight and flirts with me!

Tagged as: Friends, Gay relationships, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2012) 1 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Okay, hey! So this story is pretty crazy and I'm not sure where to start, but here goes!

I started falling in love with this boy... He was a very good friend, probably a best friend, and now he really is my best friend. I'd just come out of a long term relationship and he was so perfect and such a breath of freshness! We're into the same things, have the same views, he's very intelligent and widely regarded as the funniest person in our school. So yeah, I started liking him. But the problem was, everyone thought he was gay... A few weeks later he confided in me the truth, he is actually gay!

So I was gutted, obviously, but it was just a little crush (so I thought), so I got over it quite quickly. I thought I had anyway. 2 days ago we were at a party and got very drunk. He and I spent the whole night with each other, cuddling, kissing, snogging, singing, dancing together... I laid in his arms when we'd all settle down and we're watching a film and we slept snuggled up all night together. He kissed and stroked my hair, face and hand like he meant it, you know? And I kept telling him and everyone how I was in love with him. When we were sobered up later on we still cuddled... That's when I realised that for the past couple of months I hadn't got over him, I had slowly been falling in love but it's like I'd put it out of my mind.

When I got drunk I forgot that I'd put it out of my mind and I was sure that I'd liked him for months and that. Then I stopped the day after and it all came flooding back. He's gay and I thought I didn't like him, now I realised I'm in love! I told my friends how I feel about him and they said they think he likes me too- They don't know he's gay! Before I found out I was convinced he liked me too anyway, he was always staring at me, complimenting me etc., and now drunken he confesses he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in our school. I texted him after and said I'm sorry for it all and he said it's okay and he doesn't regret any of it. He said it was fun to do and fun to confuse people, what does that mean?

Is it an important detail to mention that he sends about 10 kisses with every message? So I can't stop thinking about him and thinking how real it felt when he was cuddling me. I don't know that much about gays and what it's like to be one, so I need someone to tell me whether he could be uncertain about his sexuality? I'm 15 and he's 16 so he's still young. Although he says he has known he was gay since about the age of 10. Is it possible for him to have an sexual attraction to me even though he says he is gay? I know that if he were straight he wouldn't hesitate in making me his girlfriend, we're absolutely perfect for each other, sexuality aside. Could I possibly be his "experiment"? How could I get him to just check? Check if he really is gay and that's it, or if he feels differently about me? Or is this normal for a gay guy to just get drunk and act crazy? If I could turn him some way... Please tell me how to try, he's too good to give up!

But if you think I'm crazy and wasting my time, please don't be nasty, just tell me how to get over him! Thank you!

View related questions: best friend, crush, drunk, flirt, kissing, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 April 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt I'll only be nasty about one thing : the expressions " I am 15 " and " I was drunk " don't even belong in the same sentence, and if I were your parents and caught you in this kind of shenanigans , I'd keep you under lock and key until you reach legal age, or at least until you get some sense into your head and see that you can't get drunk and slip in bed kissing and cuddling with the first so-called friend you come across. It's lucky he is gay, a straight one could have easily taken advantage of a drunken teenager.

Said that, I think your friend can't be totally hard-core gay, he must be bisexual, otherwise he would not feel any hint of physical attraction to you and would not enjoy kissing and cuddling a female body. That's not strange at all, sexuality is a continuum and most people is at some intermediate point of the 100% straight/ 100% gay spectrum, even if often they chose to ignore or suppress a little ( or big ) curiosity or attraction toward the " wrong " gender.

Don't take this as an incitement to start a campaign to " make " him straight, though, or at least receptive to your attentions.

He told you : what he identifies with , socially, emotionally, and psychologically is GAY. If he wants a relationship , it will be with a boy. The rest is fun and games, a fun ,pleasant way to kill time, and let for once his " male " personality take over. What he told you " it was fun and it was fun confusing other people" is not so mysterious, there's no code to crack, you can take it literally. It was FUN- in the same way in which you go to a Halloween party dressed up as Batman and enjoy acting as Batman and talking as Batman. The day after, you don't regret it at all , neither you go out jumping from a rooftop to the next looking for the Joker, though !

So, how do you get over that. Alas, same way you get over any unavailable guy who is unavailable for whatever reason. Letting patiently time pass, keeping very busy, maintening objectivity and not turning a crush into a tragedy , being open to meet and date other guys. Unluckily, also, at least for now, distancing yourself this guy, seeing him less, or even going NC. If you have a crush on a guy, you simply can't be " best friends ". Friends aren't supposed to have romantic feelings for each other, and if one does- but not the other, then is not open, genuine, disinterested friendship, it's a pathetic attempt to get " exposure " and change their mind in time.

It rarely works, and in your case , seen his sexual preferences, it's even less likely to work.

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