A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok I'm just gonna come straight out with it, me and my boyfriend are both virgins but he's never been with any one before. Ever. I'm his first everything, first kiss, first hand hold! And that doesn't bother me at all, we've fallen for each other and I felt safe an comfortable with him straight away. The only problem is while I'm all his firsts, he's not mine. I've been with other guys and done things with them (oral) but never all the way. Which, OK, shouldn't be a big deal? But he seems a bit uncomfortable about it. Our friends were playing truth or dare and starting asking me questions like "how many guys? How many times? What did you do? What was your best sexual experience?" And it got him...upset. He's always really quiet but he like shut down and went silent. He admitted to me he was upset but doesn't know why, I'm just worried this will get in between us I guess. So what I'm asking is, how do we get comfortable with each other when he seems...I dunno, intimidated? Upset? By me being more experienced than him? How do I approach this properly? Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): I agree with most of what "no nonsense Aidian" says. But I disagree about things always being just as special no matter how many times and how many other people you do something with. People with lots of sexual experience are quick to point out the downsides of staying virginal, but they need to be mature and accept the downsides of having a lot of experience too. You cannot do anything more often with more people and not reduce the specialness of it. It works that way for blowjobs and sex just like it does for eating birthday cake. That's life. Actions have consequences.As for kissing frogs looking for a prince, most guys don't mind a girl having kissed a few frogs trying to find a prince. But its not so cute if she has been passing up princes because she wants to kiss every frog in town first. Princesses aren't supposed to WANT frogs.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 January 2014):
I don’t think any man would be comfortable with hearing about his girlfriend’s past encounters, not just one for whom you are the first in everything, so maybe a little insensitive on your part. But I get the impression from this post that this worry goes beyond this one incident so it’s worth exploring the question.
Those of us who, in our twenties, have never kissed, held hands or had any kind of sexual intimacy with a person, are in a minority. That means if you’ve got any grip on reality, you have to accept that the person who you fall for, and who falls for you, probably will have, for want of a better expression, done things with some-one else. Whilst he does accept it, I suspect he feels a little sadness that for you, it won’t be as special as it is for him. He will treasure that moment but will realise that you’ve been there before and shared that with some-one else. He goes quiet because he knows you’ve done nothing wrong so he quietly tries to deal with it. HE doesn’t realise that no matter what you’ve done in the past, when you first share those moments with some-one you truly love and care for, it’s still an incredible experience. Think about all those clichés about kissing frogs before you find your prince: it is a stroke of good luck if you meet Mr or Miss Right first time around. Some people have had some intimate moments with others like you, others a string of bad relationships, whilst others have had periods of their life where they were promiscuous, none of this makes it less meaningful when they share them with some-one they’re in love with. They still want that prince after all those frogs!
If you don’t hold a grudge with him because of his sadness, he may open up about these insecurities and you can relay this advice to him. Otherwise, be patient with him, reassure him and pay him plenty of compliments. As his self-esteem grows, he’ll relax enough to understand that he doesn’t need to worry about your past and that it doesn’t mean he means less to you, than you do to him.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 January 2014):
 I would agree that you are getting a "little" old for playing T & D - maybe your BF felt like you "threw" it in his face that you had been with other OR did he know BEFORE you guys played the game? My guess is not.
Those kind of questions are fine if it's JUST girls around, but it's NOT really the kind of info I think anyone need to put out there. (not saying you should be ashamed of past experiences, but you shouldn't flaunt them either)
Talk to him. And my advice DO NOT go into details of what you did and with whom, that will only make it worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Hes just insecure. Unfortunately that can bring out emotions like jealousy, which can turn into flares of anger. There is nothing you can do. He has to make the decision to let it bother him and you will fall apart or he can get over it. (Its a lot easier said than done because emotions can get in the way) I just wouldnt bring it up and give him time. See if hes changed in a month, if not then its probably not the right match. He cant hold your past against you when he wasnt even there! That would be like my husband getting upset with me for my passed flings, when I didnt even know him, and vice versa. He had had other partners as well... infact even when I was a virgin I dated people that had been with others, but why would I hold it against them?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): This is called "retroactive jealousy." It is a very common normal human emotion. It gets no attention these days because its not politically correct to feel this way anymore. It would be more convenient if the problem didn't exist and it exists much more for men than women. So the modern western world is trying to convince itself that this is a rare mental problem instead of a normal feeling based on rational evolutionary logic. Insecurity? Sometimes. Other times it is not that at all. It can be caused by deeper moral differences for example. But insecurity is about the only reason that non-retro-jealous people usually can understand for it. When you have no moral objection to something, and you haven't been taught that many people do, it can be extremely hard to accept that this is a real moral issue for some. You need to realize that this is an EMOTION. You cannot talk someone out of it with reasoning. Neither can your BF reason himself out of it. Its like trying to reason away the pain of a bodily injury. Natural emotions can only be handled and accepted for what they are at best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): OP--of course he doesn't want to think about you being with other men! Who would!? Just imagine if the roles were reversed…would you want to picture another woman going down on him or something like that?Anyway, I do hope he realizes that he's lucky to have found another virgin to be with. As you know, it is pretty uncommon, and I think it's wonderful that you two found each other :)Now--the reason he is upset by thoughts of your previous BFs is because he is insecure. That's what it ultimately comes down to. You know that you are the best kisser he's ever been with, because you're the only woman he's ever kissed. However, he worries that you don't feel the same way about him. He worries that you were more attracted to previous BFs, that they pleased you sexually, and that he is inadequate.So, my two pieces of advice to you:1. Don't ever mention previous sexual exploits. DON'T discuss specifics about what you have/haven't done. Don't tell him much about your exes. If he asks questions--he thinks he wants to know the answer, but he really doesn't!! So, say something like, "I don't think that's important to our relationship. I'm really happy with you and I don't really want to think or talk about those other guys." Trust me, that will make him feel better :)2. Compliment him to help him build up his confidence. Little things like, "I love being with you," "I'm so attracted to you," "I'm so happy we're together."Hopefully, that will make him forget all about your previous sexual encounters :)Now--if this doesn't go away for him, he could have retroactive jealousy, which can really ruin a relationship (I know firsthand). If he is unable to let this go, after, say 6 months or a year--then you will probably need to break up. But I do think that you will both be able to move past this :)
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