A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im 30 yrs old with 2 kids and 1 on the way but for the past three months i have been having an affiar with a women who is so great and fun to be with and i just cant bring myself to leaving my wife for the kids sake but i love this other women to bits wot can i do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): Lets say you leave your wife for this woman you think you love after a three month affair. in therory its the best decision, however in reality, you are over whelmed with guilt, you cant eat and you cant sleep at night. Your family dont understand why you have done this and ask you to explain. The woman you left your wife for is also feeling the pressure, its not what she imagined the relationship to be, however you both stick to your choices. Your wife has the baby and once again it feels like you are a family along with your other two children. Maybe this other woman is understanding and 100% trust you or maybe she is becoming jelouse and suspects whilst your at you wife's helping out, you are also making love to her.
The moral of this is to think is a three month affair of fun and passion worth losing your family over? after all im sure you and your wife were like that before you had children?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): Don't use excuses, be the man you claim to be. Stand up and tell your wife the truth. If you can't bring yourself to do this then maybe you should stay put and give up the other woman. Either way a decision has to be made...neither of which will be pleasant for you or the person you choose to leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): Everyone always remembers the wife but never the "other woman" and what she maybe feeling. The "other woman" has feelings too. She feels pain just as much as the wife does.If the wife is negligent in her duties as being a good wife then there is no point in staying with her. Leave her! Someone said having split-up parents is hard on children, but it's also bad when the wife is a bad mother. I'm not sure what your situtation is but I know one in particular, a situation in which the wife is a bad mother too. Money spending, casino addicted woman who doesn't spend any time with her children avoids helping them with school work and waits for night time to leave "go-out". That's a bad mother and wife! So, yes think about your kids and what's best for them.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (19 April 2007):
 Dear anonymous writer!
I'm moved to tears reading your answers! Thank you for leting us know what you decided and what happend! You are very courageous! So it musst be so much better now than hiding your guilt. You muss feel freed of your uneasiness :-)
I'm so glad to hear your wife did state that your marrage is not over! So please be patient with her. It will probably take a lot of time for her to get over this. But it seems to me that she is on the best way for it.
If you have any further questions or just want to talk we will be happy to hear from you. You also can allways write a private message to any agony aunt or uncle if you want to - just klick on his or her screen name.
So I wish you all the best for you and your marriage! Take care and be patient. I'm pretty sure it all will turn to the best! My prayers are with you. Be blessed!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 April 2007):
 Hi,
You have one life, and you should be happy. But you must be honest with people that this will effect.
If you are truly happy with this other lady, you cannot lead your wife into thinking all is ok. If you leave either one it will hurt, but I truly believe honesty is the best policy. They will get over it,yes it will be hard but time really does heal.
My ex husband walked out on our family, Christmas day, just before our sons 2nd birthday. I can honestly tell you,i was devestated. But it didnt kill me, and now I am glad he left. Who wants to be with a guy that doesnt love you.
I hope you find the courage, and the heart to be honest with them. And still look after your kids.
I should be bitter against men, but i am not. I just wish my husband had told me the truth and not left the way he did. To find out afterwards that he had been seeing another woman and made her pregnant was the hardest thing to cope with.
Good luck to you, and be a man and be honest. XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i like to thank al those who have helped over the past week i have just finshed speaking to my wife and have told her the whole truth and yes she was shocked which isnt a supprise but she was also understanding in a way
but wants to go away for a while to c her family just to get her head around whats been happen she did state that our marrage is not over and that it will take alot of trust to gain hers back
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionreading alot of these answers and reading about things has just made me think yes ur right i do need to think about my wife so from today i am going to end my affair .
i cant bare being with out my kids not cing them on special days or watching them growning up and yes wot if the lady doesnt like it so reading all these answer it was hard hitting truth it was hard to take it in but maybe thats what i need to kick my backside into touch many thanks to you all
and the thing i am going to do is sit down wife my wife and speak to her
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A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (17 April 2007):
I just want to correct what I wrote: I wanted to say, because we only know what you told us, we can NOT help you in the best way. We can only tell you what we think an what we would do theoretical if we would be in your position and what we think would be best for you, your wife and your kids.
Much better can help you someone who got through this himselfe like the anonymous male reader, who wrote, 17 April 2007 or a professional marriage guidance counsellor.
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A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (17 April 2007):
So what is that you want to hear? Yes, we have no idea about your life nor what you are goin through. We only know what you told us and can try to put ourself in your position and your wife's position. Because of this we can help you in the best way and either way we can not do any decision for you. It's only YOU, that has to make a decision. I don't wand to stamp on people and their feelings. But I'm also not going to say how sorry I'm to hear that and what a poor person you are. But I would like to make you think about your situation. You need to face your situation and assume responsibility for what you did.
I have never been married myselfe, I'm with my boyfriend for only two and a half year. So what I know and tell you is from books and from talking ot married couples. Some of them are long time married and had big problemes in their marriage. But when they made the decision to turn back, forgive each other and try to do best for the other, after that a few years later they had the best marriage in the world. So I think, it would be worth to turn back to your family. But this is your and only your decision. We can not do it for you!
Whatever way you will go, first you have to think about it a lot. You got yourself there and now you should try to got yourselfe out of there. And if you can not do it yourselfe, don't be to proud to get some help (what you allready did in a way :-)
Plan some time for yourselfe. Go to place where you will not be disturbed. Take a paper and a pencil. Write down all the options you have got. Then take some other papers and write on each one option. Draw a line and write all the vantages on one side and all the disadvantages on the other of the page. Be honest. It's only for yourselfe and it's a decision you will do for your live. So don't think to short-sighted. This should help you to make the decision. But you should do that now. It will take some time for yourselfe to decide, don't run into something. But do it as soon as posible. Things will not get better on their own!
If you will leave your wife. You have to think about, that you will not see your kids every often. You actually will leave your kids as well. You may will have other kids with this other women. But that you don't know yet and that is not your own decision. And what you also need to think about, is what I worte in the allegory of the car. If you leave your old car, go into the new one and drive an other way, how do you know, that it will never rain on this new road?
If you want to stay with your wife, you would have to tell her anyway. Don't let her find out herselfe or you will lose her. After you told her, it will not be the same anymore, because she will be hurt a lot. So try to put yourselfe in her position and think how you would be hurt and how you would react. If you want ot stay with her, do everything you can to show that you are sorry and that you will never do it again. And give her lots of time to get over it! Presumably you will need a marriage counselling. Don't shy any way to make your marriage a better one as it was before!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Choose now. The other women or your wife. But NOW!
If its the other women, fess up and leave your wife, leave her alone for awhile. She will be devistated and angry. Allow your wife the opportunity and dignity to decide what she wants. You've lied and betrayed her, given her a swollen belly and withdrawn your support. You have no rights anymore with her.
If you choose your wife, cut off the other woman NOW. Completely. No trysts, emails or any other contact. If it hurts, tough. What is more important - your family or your wellbeing? U are being selfish.
Fallen out of love with your wife: far out, read some relationship books NOW. Talk to her, dote on her, let her make a fuss over you when she can. But dont throw away your family then decide you made a mistake. I did. My life is shit and I would give anything to turn back time. I chose my family but my wife found out. I didnt have the right to choose at all after seeing someone else. i learnt the hardest way of all. thats what happens when your head is stuck up your arse.
It can be easy to repair a relationship if you get help - things never seem as bad in hindsight but appear closed in and hopeless now.
if this other women is your answer U should have left before things got to this level. You are close to losing everything, but all is not lost...yet.
hope this helps. make the right call. this isnt about you anymore and your dick or ur soulmateness. The decision u make will affect you, your wife, your children in a profound way forever- no going back and your mistress (can she handle u fulltime, or your kids on visitation). Think: birthdays, xmas, easter, extended family, holidays, pets, home, photos etc. is it worth the loss?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): It doesn't matter if you want to stay or not, but you really should talk to your wife. You are betraying her and you have to confess that to her. Don't let her find out herself!
Imagine she would have an affair, but you would be remain true to oneself. How would you feel? How would you feel when you will find out? How would you feel if she would tell you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): You are not the only one that has to deal with such feelings. Nearly everyone is a least once in his marriage attracted by someone else. But the question is how you handle with this feelings. Do you just want to give in and let your feelings dominate your life? Or do you use your brain and sanity and remember the promise you gave your wife on your wedding day? Feelings are a continual coming and going. But the promise you gave was for your whole life time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondont be so greedy its easy for you to say when it sounds like all you do is stamp on people and there feelings you ahve no idea about my life nor what im goin through im in a mess YES i got myself there YES i made the mess and NO i dont like what i done dont you think i feel hurt dont you think i fill pain
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): You should be ashamed of yourself. Your wife has clearly devoted herself to you and you have misled her in to a false sense of security. I think you should take a good look at yourself and think before you walk away from the mother of your children. Your attitude is repulsive. Imagine if you were pregnant and your husband turned round and broke your heart. Don't be so greedy!!
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A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (16 April 2007):
I agree with xcharlottex: you should talk to your wife. Tell her what it's going on with. Tell her about your feelings and tell her that you mess doing things with her and that you also miss sex a lot!
You actually don't want to be in this situation. You wouldn't ask for an answer if you would think, everything is allright. At the end you have to do a decision. But this should not be a short-run one. You love your kids and they in all probability love you. If you leave your family for an other women you must think about that you will not see them a lot anymore. And do you want you children to grow up without a father?
What about your wife? Are there still some feelings for her? Are you not just bored for the last few month? It's always interessting to experience something new - just like this affair you have right now. But will this feelings be for a long term or will you be bored again in a few weeks?
You can compare love with driving in a sport car. You have a new car (thats when you are falling in love with a women) and you drive on a road very fast. On the back of your car there is a very nice cloud of dust (your feelings) dispersed from the road. You are having lots of fun and very much enjoy this cloud of dust. But then there suddenly you see a cloude on the sky and it starts to rain. The cloud of dust disappears. Now you can make your decission: You can stopp your car and buy a new one (leave your wife and go with this other women) or you can drive on (stay with your wife and kits) and hope that the rain will stop and the road will dry and the cloude of dust will dispersed from the road again. But if you chage the car, you can be sure that also in the new car one day it will rain.
If you are really honest with your wife. If you tell her what it's going on and if you are willing to stop this affair, I'm sure she will forgive you. But because what you are did will hur her very much, it will take a lot of time until things will be better. But maybe she will be hurt such a lot that she will not stay with you anymore. But you have to make the decission first and then talk to your wife.
If she is willing to stay with you, I would very much advise you to go to a marriage counselling.
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (16 April 2007):
Talk to your wife about how you feel, dont just spring it on her and the children that you want to leave, talk to her first, see how she feels, maybe its worthit to try and work things out with her first. Do not tell the children untill you both feel that it is absolutely necessary.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionme and my wife just dont do things anymore yes one of those is sex and that isnt the reason why im having the affair it not just for sex i been seeing this other women 4 a while now and things r great am so happy when im with her its like my life has changed i feel that this is right but my kids r so important to me
i do alot of traverling around due to work as well and some times find it hard to go home so i go to this other womens place and sleep there and tell the wife i wont b home till a day later as the trip is taking longer i no this is wrong but i just cant bring myself going home to her
every ones says it cause she is pregnant but what about my feelings what about me im just hurting so much with what to do i just feel like hiding away from all the trouble im causeing
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): You aren't being fair. You can't have the best of both worlds. One day you are either going to have to choose between your wife or your mistress.
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A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (16 April 2007):
What about your wife? Do you still love her? Could it not be that you just feel left out because of her pregnancy and the two children? Lot's of women are not interessted in sex, when they are pregnant. That's also due to the hormone change. So is it just that you don't get enough of sex with your wife? It also could be that because of her pregnancy she is not in a in good condition. So if it is just that you don't feel in love with her for a few month for her pregnancy? If it could be because of this reason, would it not be worth to wait a few month until she is in better conditions?
How do you know you love this other women? Is it just because you have great sex with her what you can't have at the moment with your wife? How do you knwo if this can turn to real love. Let us assume you leave your wife to life with this other women. It could be that in two years you don't love this women anymore. Why?
I try to explane you what I learnt about falling in love and real love. Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really controll it yourselfe. It is like beeing on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. You can compare it with beeing drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems.
Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't allways feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not the case with falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month ore years, but they will not come back in the same form.
Sex has little relation to real, deep, solid love. If it is just the great sex, why to leave your wife and kids just for having some fun with someone else and maby get into big troubles?
Life is not just having fun for yourself and only do what you want to do and what seems to be best for you but not nice for others. To marry a women brings a lot of responsibility with it. Think about it what you really want and what is best for all of you not just sees to be allright for yourselfe.
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