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I'm dating someone new but don't think I'm over my ex. Should I let the new guy go?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Pregnancy, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 March 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am 28, In November I was dumped through whatsapp by my ex who I was madly in love with I was only with him for 4 months but I felt so much love for him after one month I got pregnant and had a n abortion and it totally messed me up as o didn't want to do it but he told me we would have a baby in the future so I thought I was doing the right thing. He ended up breaking up with me anyway because he wanted to go back to his ex girlfriend who was the mother of his two boys, I have been going counselling. In December I met the most amazing guy who does literally everything for Me he is so devoted ur he is from Kosovo and I'm Irish/English and my family would never approve. I just feel I'm not over my ex and I still wish I never had the abortion. I am not sure whether to get rid of my new guy or keep him he has the best heart and if I get rid of him I will never find someone who treats me like a queen how I deserve to be treated . I don't know what to do!!!

View related questions: abortion, ex girlfriend, his ex, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017):

Many people want what they can't have. You, or at least your story, seem to falll into that category. I would take a good look at yourself and look at life in the BIG picture. You are holding onto the past, a failed and very unhealthy relationship. You are holding onto all that negativity because you didn't have closure. You didn't have closure because your relationship was disonest from the get go and you didn't know it. He left you feeling like shit, and you want him to know you are not.

It is over. Be glad of it. Now this AMAZING guy is in your life and you aren't over the bad, dishonest one?

I completely disagree with others advice on this one.

Give back to this new man what he is giving you. Stop holding onto the past..its all in your mind. It's selfish. The more people are self centered, thinking only about themselves, the unhappier they become.

You think you are still stuck on the other man because he didn't give you what you wanted. Period.

Now that you have what you should, GIVE BACK. Don't let it go. Sometimes we like the "challenge" of getting the one we can't get. But life and love is much bigger than such small mindedness. Grow and give and move on.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you are not over your ex then realistically you are stringing the new guy along and using him because he is treating you well.

Having an abortion when you didn't really want to can be hard to deal with. You cannot blame your ex because it was still your decision and that is something you need to come to terms with. You need to accept that it has happened and find a way to leave it in the past.

It sounds to me like you where more invested in your ex than he was with you. It sounds like you moved very quickly in the four months and fell in love way to quick. So yes maybe you should be single for now and concentrate on your life and your happiness. Don't use the current guy you are seeing just because he treats you well, as that is cruel.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017):

I feel your Ex would have gone back to his ex regardless of what happened as he already has 2 children to support... so he was never going to be over the moon, gloriously happy with anyone having another child to him.

He also would have felt either trapped, forced and frighten by the shock of this pregnancy, as it was all too soon! Shame is how some men run whereas a woman is left to take the responsibility and heartache.

The aftereffects of this emotional trauma can weigh heavily, but you've been smart to seek Counsel.

In relation to the "most amazing guy", it's like you're jumping out of the frying-pan and into the fire. Your emotions have not settled from the last guy before you attached yourself ever so quickly to another. It's understandable, but I wonder if you may have a pattern of attaching to guys before you think they're worthy?

Under normal circumstances you give yourself a break from dating to lick your wounds of any negative fallout. Yet in your situation I know you'll need more time to recover before you can positively connect with someone who treats you as you deserve.

This also would not be fair for the guy who gets involved at this time, and much as some guys like to be that Knight, and you needing to be comforted (rescued) at present, there's no Knights Armour that doesn't tarnish over time. Even in the best of circumstances.

Take Care - CAA

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think if you are not over what happened with the ex you should let the new guy go. IF you can find ONE great guy who treats you right, you can find another when you are READY to date again.

However, the thing you aren't over I think has to do more with the abortion and loss than the actual ex-bf. And the IDEA (fantasy) of this ex-bf not who he turned out to be. Because a guy who is SO careless that he KNOCKS up a new GF, asks her to have an abortion and THEN abandon her is NOT a keeper.

I understand that you wish you hadn't had the abortion. It not easy to come to terms with making that choice but you need to come to terms with what happened and accept it.

And to NEVER get in that position again. As in, get on birth control and ask a partner to also use condoms.

If you feel you aren't moving forward seek more counseling dealing with the abortion.

You can't hang on to a guy if your heart isn't in it and there isn't a future for you two. Not fair on him.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (26 March 2017):

N91 agony auntIf you're not ready, you're not ready.

You need to work on yourself first and get rid of any issues and doubt you have.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (26 March 2017):

fishdish agony auntSounds like the timing is offf for this relationship. I would take time for yourself to get some closure on these issues and see if he's around in the future. It would be silly to expect him to wait for you, but you also shouldn't put both of you through such unresolved emotional stuff, it's not fair to him..better to see if you can reconnect after you're in a more secure place.

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