A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My girlfriend and i met almost 4 yrs ago. Both just out of a relationships. I had a year to recouperate from my ex wife leaving and cheating on me. She left her ex and came straight to my apartment the same day because she had nowhere else to go. (My mom asks me if i would share my apt w/her). Her ex was abusive to her in all ways and her 6 month old son died 6 yrs ago while she was married. We started liking each other and started a relationship. We moved out together with her 2 kids and all has been ok in general ever since, except she was still married and we couldn't afford to get her a divorce. She went to get child support about 3 months ago but now that means she has to see her ex once a month. And she's been having old issues reminded to her by the site of him and his verbal actions towards her. Her ex just got the divorce finalized last month and now she wants to go back home and be with her family but without me.(She wants to be alone). I understand that completely because she went from her ex then to me in one day. (She never had time to find out who she is). She tells me i'm a great man and i helped her so much and she still loves me but, she doesn't feel the same around or about me. She said she doesn't love me the same way. Her example-As a wife should love her husband. We're not married but that was the plan before her divorce was final. Now she doesn't want to get married. She said she's confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore. She wants to go but she doesn't want me to go with her and she doesn't want to leave me. I understand all this but i'm so afraid that she might meet someone or just want to STAY alone when she starts feeling better about life . She says she won't cheat and she does follow God. But she doesn't know how long she'll be gone or if she'll want to stay there without me. I told her i understand and agree we need a break but i don't want it to be permanent. I have a drinking beer issue that i must correct and i need to find out who i am too. Also i went through the same situation with my ex, where she wanted to be with her family, except she has a cheating heart and that's why we're not together anymore. So this the present situation is potentially scary. My girlfriend has been cheated on too, and she's not that way. I want her to find herself and be happy, but to come back to me when we're both better. Is that selfish of me? I've been feeling depressed now because of allthis. I need some advice...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 No off course it is not selfish of you. Its understandable that you want her to come back, but you need to be prepared in case things dont work out that way. I agree though that the best thing for you both at the moment is to have a break to work through your issues. She went on the rebound to you and she does need to clear her head now. Also you need to get help with your addiction. Therefore maybe they both of you could agree on a certain amount of time to be apart to sort out your issues. Maybe say three months of no contact. Thats plenty of time for you both to work on your problems. Then after that three months agree to meet up and talk to each other and see how you are both feeling and what the next step is. Just make sure that the both of you dont contact each other in the three months. I know this will be hard but just remember she needs some space and therefore it will help in the long run. Goodluck and all the best in the future.
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