A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and recently began having some serious problems in our relationship. We began seeing a couple's therapist two weeks ago. My problem is our therapist. Not only did she tell me that it's my fault he cheated on me, but she called me a controlling b*tch and said that he needs to get out while he still can.I never want to see this woman again, but the thing is, my boyfriend is much more honest with me when she's in the room. He is more confident because he knows she is on his side, and he tells me things that he would never say outside of her office. The honesty is helping a lot, but this therapist is absolutely not. Should we continue seeing her? We agreed prior to starting that if things didn't pan out with her, we would not see another therapist, so it's either stay in therapy with this horrible woman or don't go.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 March 2011):
well your therapist does sound pretty rude, that's simply unprofessional and you shouldn't have to be subjected to such rudeness since after all you are paying her for her services!
if money is an issue, there are therapists out there that work on a sliding scale. Another option is the nearest university in your area may have free or very reduced-rates counseling sessions run by psychology graduate students (i.e. those who are in training to be psychiatrists or psychologists). I hope you can find a way to continue couples therapy but with a different therapist.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (3 March 2011):
Thank you for the additional information. Unfortunately it is the first option - she is a terrible, shocking therapist. Under no circumstances would I consider going back to her. This is unfortunate because with a good therapist, couples therapy can be a very helpful process. This is evident for you in your case, when you can see how much more honestly your bf can express himself in the therapy sessions. Even with this, I would not think that the therapy can work with the therapists own emotionality getting in the way of your process. Your boyfriend has a sense of safety because he feels she is on his side, but where is your sense of safety to go through this process? It is certainly NOT your fault that your boyfriend cheated on you that was a decision he made, and I fear that if you keep up therapy with a counsellor who is not balanced you may find yourself taking the blame, or too much responsibility, which you don't deserve and which is not helpful.
I would talk to your boyfriend about it. Tell him that you are happy about the new level of honesty that you guys are starting to develop, but tell him that you are concerned with the therapist. You can tell him that you have recieved some feedback from others agreeing with you, or you could even show him this post. He would probably take it to heart.
Those are just a few suggestions, there are other possibilities that you can explore if therapy is unfortunately no longer an option for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Goodness, whatever happened to what is said in the office stays in the office? I suppose your insurance (if they even pay for it) only covers those therapists.
Just curious, he wouldn't happen to be military and the therapist your seeing is an on base therapist/social worker? Reason why I ask is that some of the therapists/social workers that the military hires aren't worth a damn.
Anyways, hopefully you two can take the good bit that you learned in therapy and apply it at home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Seriously this is bizarre, it sounds as if the woman is more screwed up than the average person and is the one with the controlling issues. For her to fly off the handle and assume you are controlling is just not healthy.
Although I don't know you, I have met my fare share of controlling unhealty people and they do not write and speak like you. you have written a genuine honest post without manipulation or guarding or trying to get someone on your side. Take heart you are certainly not the one with the problem here. I feel you really need to write this organisation a letter asking for a refund of any future sessions (if you have paid in advance) or just cut your losses and get out.
You have to realise and your boyfriend has to realise that this is not doing you any good and is only going to cause harm. I'm not sure what this organisations philosophies are, but it sounds as if they have a very narrow dangerous view of how people are, perhaps they only deal with 'controlling' people and assume that everyone that comes to them has that characteristic, therefore she is trying to deal with a genuine person and can not get a grip on who you are at all.
Just because your boyfriend is being a bit more honest doesn;t really mean anything. He had a more serious issue to begin with by cheating so therfore could be better matched to this type of environment but not a good match to the therapist. It is quite destructive to him and you if he does not learn to take responsibility for what he has done and why and try and treat you how you deserve as a woman. That would be the healthy thing to do.
One more thing - therapists are not 'God' they don't have power - they do not know everything. A proud therapist - (what she is) is not going to be able to look at the truth.
Seek out someone who sees the truth in life and can reflect that back to you, then you will start getting somewhere.
Good luck!
It sounds rather stressful.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 "Because these therapists trade notes, stories, whatever, my boyfriend and I decided that we would only see one, and if that didn't work out, we would just stop therapy." Is there any way you could go to a different town to see a different therapist?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little more information: When she called me a controlling b*tch, I got angry and told her that I was leaving. She started yelling at me and told me that I was trying to control her, too, by limiting what she could and couldn't say to me. I don't think there's any method to this.
And as for seeing another therapist: Given the situation, money, etc., my boyfriend and I have to stay within the office that this therapist is in. So, if we were to change therapists, it would be another therapist who works with our current therapist. Because these therapists trade notes, stories, whatever, my boyfriend and I decided that we would only see one, and if that didn't work out, we would just stop therapy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): This woman is acting totally inappropriately, belive me I know, I've seen therapists. To call you a bitch is ABUSIVE. I agree with tennisstar88; forget what you initially agreed about not fnding another therapist. There are loads about and sometimes it takes a little time to find the right one.
Furthermore, I would strongly suggest that you report her. She should not be practising if she spoke to you like that. I don't know how it works in USA but in Britain there are standards and all therapists have to belong to an organisation. So you could report her to that. She is not a professional. Walk away.
I disgree with the people who have said to get rid of your BF. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance and they are giving unsolicited advice as you did not ask for advice re whether you should dump him or not. You have obviously decided to give him a chance by having therapy. Good for you! I think that is brave of you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 March 2011):
If you want to stop seeing her because she's rude and calling you names, I think that's a very valid reason to ditch her. A therapist should be professional enough to treat their clients with civility.But if you want to stop seeing her simply because you don't like the content of she's saying (i.e. that you had a part to play in the break down of your relationship and that maybe you really are controlling and maybe you really did drive your boyfriend away and he really would be better off for his own emotional health without this relationship) then this is something else. Because what she's saying could very well be true. This is not to say that she is condoning his cheating (unless she actually said out loud that she thinks it's morally acceptable for him to cheat on you!) but the truth of why people cheat is that it usually doesn't happen out of the blue but is a symptom of the relationship that's already very broken. This has nothing to do with whether it's morally justifiable or not to be cheating, it is just the truth of why people cheat. And if you really are serious in trying to repair your broken relationship, you need to face the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is.however, do you really want to stay with your boyfriend if he's already cheated on you? Your trust has been broken, this is very difficult to regain. But assuming you really do want to try and work it out...You don't go to couples therapy to be told what you want to hear. You go to couples therapy because you need an objective and observant third party to make sense of what's going on in your relationship. Maybe what she has to say (minus the personal offensive name-calling) really has some truth to it.The fact that your boyfriend is more open and honest when in her office than when alone with you, is very telling. Clearly he feels safer speaking his mind when she is there to back him up than when he's alone with you. Since you said that if things don't pan out with her you won't try another therapist, that means that if you stop seeing her, you will stop hearing his true thoughts unless he suddenly starts to feel safer speaking his mind to you when up til now he hasn't been.Why did you two agree that it's either this particular therapist or no therapy at all?My personal opinion is that once cheating has happened, the relationship is pretty much over because the trust is gone. But that's just me. If you really want to try to save the relationship, then why not continue in couples therapy but by all means find a different therapist who will be more professional and be civil and not rude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): The problem isnt really the therapist. Its your boyfriend. If hes cheated on you, wont be honest with you unless he has someone in the room for back up. And he allows someone to abuse you. Then my advice would be to dump him and the therapist and save yourself a lot of time and money. Neither of them sound any good for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): She is very unprofessional and what she said was pretty unbelievable if she actually said that. I would report her. It's not written in stone that you can't see another therapist. Ask for credentials, a history of experience and recommendations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Communicate to your therapist about her show of judgment towards you and that it is not helping the situation but only adding more frustration. Im sure she hasnt said those direct words to you about being a controlling B**** but you construed her words that way...and you should tell her that you need to hear positiveness and how to change and make progress with the relationship, not focus on what you did wrong. She should be logically dissecting your situation, helping you remove emotion, not add more to the issues.
Also, I dont think its good of you as a couple to give yourself an ultimatum about if this counselor doesnt work, we should give up. If you two have feelings, love each other, and are mature and willing, you should keep going to therapy until you find someone that clicks with both of you so you both can progress. Youve taken a good step here tho so I applaud. I hope things work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): No sorry to disagree with the other poster - but for your sake, there is certainly no context where what the therapist said is okay and to be honest telling her it upset you would make it worse and upset her professional pride and bring an extra argument into your situation.
She sounds a little kooky to me and almost like a past addict or controlling person herself who went into therapy with the view to teach other people it's not okay.
Under no circumstances is it decent for her to do this, regardless of why she is doing it.
I'm quite sure you would find a therapist who would agree with my view and one that can help both of you.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (2 March 2011):
This is an interesting one.
What was the context of the therapist saying that it was your fault, and the things she called you. Was she speaking to you directly when she said those things, or to him? Therapeutically, it can make a difference. You said your bf is much more honest in the room with her there knowing that she is on his side, so some of the things she has said might have been done for this purpose, as crazy as it sounds. The things she said do sound terrible, like the kind of thing a therapist should never say, but it is dangerous for someone like me to try and judge them out of context.
There are two possibilities. Firstly, that she is a terrible, shocking therapist, and that no self respecting therapist in their right mind would say such things to someone seeking their help. The other possibility is that there is some method in her madness, and there is a way to find out. This way is also the same as my advice.
My advice is to tell the therapist your feelings around what she said, for example that you were hurt by what she said, or angry or whatever you felt, and that because she treated you this way, you aren't sure if you trust her to do a good job. Tell her you feel like she is on his side, but not yours. And then go from there. Know this: It is the therapist's job to be balanced, and not favour one or the other in couples therapy, so if you don't feel like you are getting the same kind of support and attention and space as your bf is getting in the sessions, I would say that something is wrong.
Also, tell these things to your bf. See what he thinks. Did he notice the same thing. Did he think those things were strange too for her to have said? It's important.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): She sounds horrfying and quite frightenly narrow minded. I would show your boyfriend this post, including yours as it's honest. And find another one you are both happy with.
Her comments are totally unprofessional and one sided.
I am quite sure you are not a controlling person by the way you write your post. Perhaps you just need to understand each other better in order to communicate.
Remind your boyfriend again that you are a straight forward person and that although you appreciate how honest he is being can he continue that honesty over into another session?
The way it's heading you are going to come out feeling lousy about your relationship and he is going to be okay.
That's not right. Sounds to me as if you have more fire in your belly than him, which is a good thing - if you were both the same you would be totally icompatble.
Good luck.
By the way no it's not your fault he cheated he does need to take responsbility for that - 100%. There would of been things he could of done to be more positive.
Some crazy therapists have a view that everyone is always a shared responsibility rather than looking at the unique situation and helping two individuals grow.
I'm quite upset to here this actually and think you should complain to an authority of some sort.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Is this woman a real therapist? If so, you might want to report her for verbal abuse. I don't know of any actual licensed therapists who would call someone a "controlling bitch" and expect to keep their license.
I also know no one who would ever say that it was the fault of the innocent partner that the cheating took place. I'd want to see credentials. Is this someone that your boyfriend knows, or is this an actual, licensed therapist??
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (2 March 2011):
You should change you boyfriend for cheating on you. And your therapist for being so bitchy with you. Of course she's not a serious professional if she told you that.
Sorry for putting thing so straight. But I wouldn't allow someone cheat on me and keep the relationship on. And I wouldn't let a therapist to be so wrong in his job and keep paying him/her.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 March 2011):
Here's an option: Why don't you find a different therapist?
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