A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm unhappy because I find myself attracted to a married man for the past few months. I much prefer my carefree life before I knew him. I got to know him through work and in the beginning I just looked upon him as just another man. Then he started to show some interest but, almost immediately, he checked himself and started to act professionally. I'm pretty sensitive and smart, and can see through the entire guise, however hard he tries to mask it. I think he's doing the right thing by being reserved, but then again, whenever he gets the smallest of chances, he touches me (not inappropriately) and stands very close by. This affects me. I feel that if you want to be reserved, you should be reserved all the way! I try not to contact him unnecessarily, but from time to time, I still need to get in touch with him. I come into contact with people all the time - male/female, married/unmarried - but when there are no undercurrents like this, everything is easier. How do I deal with this, outwardly and internally?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2019): Thank you to the anonymous lady who posted on 8 Dec for sharing your story and your message of grave warning. This is inadequate but I'm sorry that you had to go through that dark episode. Hopefully the passage of time and other new positive experiences will diminish the scars.
Though I doubt that my case would ever advance to that stage, I still feel the negative impact and hence my unhappiness.
I didn't elaborate on the "touch" aspect in my original post, so maybe I should. It's true that they weren't inappropriate per se, but shall I say unnecessary? For example, when I passed him some papers, I felt him swiftly caressing my hand. Was that a figment of my imagination? My obsession? Me projecting? Or he has long fingers and it was all purely accidental? I certainly hope so for then all this will fizzle out and die a natural death, as it should.
Though in the grand scheme of things, those touches were mere drops in the ocean but still, they evoked something: confusion in the mind of the recipient.
Married men who love their wives and cherish their families should not go around doing this to other women. Have mercy. On one hand, they want to project this goody two shoes, upstanding image, but on the other hand, they surreptitiously stroke your hands and wrists? Go home and caress your wives!
Sometimes I find that he wants to smile and be friendly with me but he controls himself. So he can't smile but he can caress? So help me God. Who's he trying to fool? If he would just behave normally, then all this tension would not exist.
This is my assessment of him: 1. He's not the happy-go-lucky, touchy-feely type 2. He has good self-control and if he doesn't want to touch at all, he can 3. He's serious and conservative (at least in front of me) 4. He wants decorum and respect 5. He's pretentious
Now I have to put on this poker face when I meet him and it's tiresome.
When a man touches you so, it can only elicit two kinds of feelings: 1. repulsion 2. attraction. Very unfortunately for me, this time it's No. 2. It's like he's passed me the flu virus and now I have to nurse myself back to emotional health. Shucks.
If something so mild could affect me so, I cannot imagine what you went through dear lady. Be strong and carry on. Look forward to better things and forget about the past. Godspeed. OP
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2019): I am the other woman, OP. I crossed that line with a married man several years ago. I was his much younger client. If I could go back, I would choose to never act on the attraction. It's exciting at first but once you get back to real life after the fantasy and delusion is gone, you will feel worthless, lose your self esteem and suffer a mental and emotional breakdown after you get too attached but to him it is, has been and only ever will be extra curricular sex. So not worth it. You will lose a part of yourself you will never get back. And you will be broken in ways you could never imagine. The sad part is many women don't listen to the warnings. They end up making the mistake and regret it every day thereafter. When a married man pays attention to you, it doesn't mean you're special. It means he thinks you're vulnerable or naive enough to fall for his bullshit advances. He is also preying on your vanity. He is trying to flatter you because he knows you must thrive on the attention. At the end of the day, he's looking for a woman to spread her legs. He thinks you will. And that my dear shows how little respect he has for you. You are a mature, confident woman who is above being some players sex toy. The sex was awesome at the beginning but after realizing he just wants to bang you but never take care of your emotional needs, you start to get sick and tired of waiting around for the crumbs of his attention. It plays havoc on your self worth. You will never feel good enough. Or just enough. Even the most confident woman will be brought down over time. It's just sex to him. You will get too serious. And he will keep rejecting you. Unless you keep spreading your legs, he will have a use for you. I don't want to see you go through the emotional hell I went through, OP. It's a dark place. And it takes years to find yourself again. This obsession will not only ruin you but it will ruin every other facet of your life. You don't see what lurks beneath this man. You only see the good (fake) side he wants you to see you reel you in. Once he's got you, he's going to use you all up to the point there is nothing left of you. Please limit your interactions. Don't put yourself in a position to be too close. You have a choice. You can control your emotions, your attraction and your behaviour. Stay away and make it clear his advances are not welcome. We women do that everyday to so many men! Yes we are capable! This is one of those creeps we've got to protect ourselves against!!! He's trying to charm his way into your pants. Believe you me, he has done this to other women before you. He will continue to cheat no matter what! You DO NOT want to fall in love with a cheater. No worse hell on earth!! These men are defective. They will never, ever change!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): Thank you all for your time and wise counsel. I will bear in mind all that you have said. Merry Christmas in advance!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 December 2019):
 Think of it this way, WHAT good can come of this?
It can ruin your career, his marriage and both your reputations and for what? Having the "hots"?
People don't go blind and deaf when married, they still notice attractive people and they don't STOP being attractive themselves as soon as they say their vows, however HE made a PROMISE to his wife, that he REALLY should honor.
And while he MIGHT find you attractive he REALLY should be more professional at work and MORE respectful towards you.
Keep being PROFESSIONAL at work, cut down the intimacy he initiate, just be subtle and move away if he stands close. He will get the hint.
There is NOTHING in this for you other than drama, hurt and guilt. Remember that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Typo correction:
"You certainly wouldn't appreciate a stranger grabbing your lady-parts, or humping your leg; because he was so taken by you!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): It's human to be attracted to people. You don't go deaf, dumb, asexual, or blind; because you're married or committed to someone. You know right from wrong. You wouldn't lie-down for just any random guy who crosses your path, would you? Why? Boundaries!!!
There are moral and legal boundaries set; because people don't always stay within the barriers and parameters of appropriateness, or moral-decency. We have primal urges and impulses!
Adults are not supposed to be attracted to children; while some claim they can't help it. Hence, the law will remind them where the line is drawn; and levy serious penalties and confinement for those who cross it.
Some people are attracted to their family members; again forcing the law to set a legal-standard, in order to keep this immoral and inappropriate behavior in-check.
Some people are attracted to animals in an inappropriate and disgusting way; and thus, again laws had to be set to keep society within boundaries of decency and moral turpitude.
Then there are boundaries and parameters we have to set for ourselves. We shouldn't have to legislate feelings or human-emotions. People like to use the stupid and ridiculous excuse "they can't help it." I refuse to stoop to using expletives; but let's say that's a steaming pile of bull manure! Unless you are suffering acute mental-illness; you can restrain yourself, and execute self-control. Just like you restrain your impulses to steal, or randomly attack a person on the street. You won't scream fire in a crowd, when there is no fire. You don't want to go to jail, or be shot by a cop; and although you may have an irresistible urge to do wild and crazy things, you find it within yourself to curb impetuous or criminal-behavior. You certainly wouldn't appreciate a stranger grabbing our lady-parts, or humping your leg; because he was so taken by you! He just couldn't contain his attraction for you. You'd kick him in the balls or slap his face into next year! You would rightfully expect him to control himself.
Your job is where you were hired to work. Be professional. You were not hired to flirt with co-workers; or use the workplace as your private dating-pool. There are dating sites, and lots of single and available men to choose from; even if you prefer to seek them in real-time. There are better places and circumstances to meet available men, versus those married or already taken. It's kind of desperate, because you can't depend on your feminine-charms and social-skills to find someone unattached and available. Married-men are off-limits! No matter how flirtatious and bold they are. They don't respect easy prey; and heartlessly betray the women who love them enough to marry them.
Your heart will betray you! It will attach itself to punish you for offering casual-sex to a married-man. Go ahead, play with fire!
Other women's husbands are not at your disposal or available at your whim. Wrecking families and lowering yourself to chasing and bedding married-men is going far beneath yourself.
What goes around, comes around! Some vexed and jealous-wives can be pretty hazardous to your health! We don't live in times that you casually test the tempers and sanity of strangers. Some psycho-females out there you just don't mess with, girlfriend! You might be the straw that broke the camel's back! They check his phone, underwear, his scent, and any telltale signs that he's been with another woman. Some are lethal! If she knows where you work? You had better watch out!!! She'll have you looking over your shoulder everywhere you go!
Do all the lusting you like. Keep it to yourself! Nobody can stop that. Just remember when some random female is screwing the snot out the man you love; maybe she just couldn't help it! The vibe was just so strong between them!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Attraction is normal. It's healthy. When it happens with the wrong person however, you just have to decide that it's not that important. It's just a feeling and it doesn't mean you have to act on it.
If he touches you, move away. If he stands close, take a step back. He will soon get the picture. You deserve more than being the object of affection to a married man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): How to deal with it ? Very very simple and you know the answer ! Stay away from him !!!! If you absolutely have to have some type of communication with him through work say what you need to say and leave his presence . Do not stand close enough that he can touch you whatsoever . It’s really as simple as that
So what if there’s attraction
So what if there’s undercurrents
Big deal
You’re just a body to him . Just some female who might put out and give him some excitement to his mundane married life . Don’t be so naive (or pretend to be naive) as to ask how do I deal with this . An eighteen year old girl knows how to stop a boy accidentally touching her if she doesn’t want it , she simply keeps her distance so he can’t touch her - ever . Your a mature woman , act like it and stop flattering yourself that your somehow superior to his wife , you’re not . Look across your office at the pretty new young girl who just started or is about to start working there , and know that one day, if you you were to become his wife , he be accidentally touching her and flirting and hopefully she would be smart enough to know exactly how to cut off any silly attraction.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (4 December 2019):
 A wedding ring doesn't magically stop people feeling attraction towards others. What they choose to DO about that feeling is what defines their morals. This man (possibly) found himself attracted to you. However, he pulled back because he realized (a) he has a wife, who he doesn't want to hurt, and (b) he is there to work, not to find romance.
Yes, he MAY stand a bit closer than you would expect, or make physical contact in passing, but maybe that is because he has known you a while and feels comfortable with you, not for any other reasons. Some people are just like that. I say this because I work with a guy who is 15 years younger than me but who frequently makes a point of making physical contact when he is speaking to me or passing by. I am under no illusions though. I understand it is purely because we have worked together for years and he is comfortable around me. If I were to "make a move" on him, I know he would be mortified.
As to how you "deal" with this situation, what is there to deal with? You have a married colleague who may find you attractive (as he probably finds numerous other women) but who values his marriage so will not overstep any boundaries. Stop looking for hidden "clues" to his feelings for you and start treating him professionally. You too are there to work, not to find romance.
You don't mention a relationship of your own so maybe this is a wake-up call that you should work on finding a partner of your own and leave this man to his wife (and family, if he has one)? This man is not free to give you ANYTHING. Leave him alone.
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