A
female
age
41-50,
*akeogh
writes:Hello everyone,My name is Caroline, I'm totally new on this. I only really came across it a few days ago through looking on the internet for answers I guess. My situation is awful, I'm 34, we got married in July 2006, bought our house together in September 2007, I'm almost 6 months pregnant with our first child and He's decided he's had enough and he's leaving me. I think!I say I think because the situation is so confusing and such a mess. We've been together in July 2002 so we've been together almost 6 years this year, so its not a short time, but almost from the beginning there have been issues, primarily on his side, he was confused about whether he fancied me or not and wanted to start a relationship with me because I was 'larger' than the other women he had dated, even though we were sleeping together AND he actually had a preference for more Voluptuous women, but his insecurities lay in the fact that he was worried about what people would think, i.e. other male peers I guess, friends, brothers, father, etc. He said that society dominated that women needed to be skinny in order to be attractive to men, that's how it was.Anyway, we managed to get over that hurdle when, after 5 months of 'faffing' about I gave him an ultimatium and he came to his senses that He wanted to be with me, so great. That was in December 2002.So we moved in together the following march and pretty soon I learnt that he was the only man I'd ever met who remained friends with a lot of his ex girlfriends. This only became an issue because he used to prioritise one in particular over me the whole time. She would email him and give the 'pity poor me' story and he would go running to her, I was supporting him and us at the time financially because he wasn't working and I felt very angry and used. But everytime I tried to explain how I felt it descended into an argument and he would say to me that I wasn't allowing him to have any friends of his own, I was jealous, selfish, etc. and it made me feel awful, because I consider myself to be an openminded enough person to be ok with the fact that men have female friends. So he continued then to see her in secret, speak in secret, etc. A couple of examples to highlight this are on one occassion he invited her to come on a trip to Amsterdam with me, him and about 6 of our friends. 'She said that she'd always wanted to go to Amsterdam' so I thought 'yes I can be openminded about this' and so she came. She made a comment about me to him saying 'she's bigger than your usual type' he didn't stick up for me, he just told me about it afterwards. She then spent most of the weekend telling me how he had supressed her in their relationship, told her how to dress, how to look, how to act, etc. and it went on like this. That was the first time I met her. Then another occassion he had told me how he wanted to have a weekend by himself as he writes and I said fine. So he went off on the Saturday, me thinking nothing more of it, he called me that night saying he was by the coast and he was enjoying having some time to himself. Then at 5am on the Sunday morning I had a phone call from him saying he had been in a car crash, but he was ok. I asked where he was, when he told me I knew straight away that he'd been to see her. When he got home eventually he had admitted it, and again when I tried to tell him how I felt he got defensive and accused me of being selfish and jealous and not allowing him to have any friends and because of the way I was he felt he couldn't tell me because he knew how I would react. So again I felt awful and left it. There have been other incidents and times but it always came down to the same conclusion as those times, I won't go into it, I'm sure you get the picture.And I guess as time went on and we got to know each other more and more we bickered and argued about silly things, long story short, he felt that I supressed him, he felt that he wasn't allowed to have opinions in the relationship and he wasn't listened to. And he's a very private introverted person and all his feelings went inwards. Our relationship descented into a battle ground, we lost all respect for one another, and it became both mentally and verbally abusive, not a healthy environment at all. It wasn't all the time but it seemed that our communication was more about competing against one another and primed and ready to attack the other person or take everything the other person said as a personal attack, it got so crazy. Sometimes we would have some great times when we really loved each other and enjoyed each other's company, sometimes we could even sit and talk about our relationship without blowing it all up.We got married because we wanted to, we loved each other very much, we bought the house for the same reasons and we didn't take the decision to have a child lightly, and we were trying for a long time. So 2 weeks ago it all came to a head when we had a massive stupid row, he went ballastic whilst I was driving in the car, said some awful things and scared me to death. I left and went to see my family in another country, spent a week there and came back last Friday. Since then he's been saying he doesn't love me, its over, he has no faith in us anymore, he thinks trying or seeing a counseller would be pointless. Then on the other hand he's telling me he cares about me, he does want to try but he needs time and space, no pressure, etc. and its back and forth like this all the time. So the decision that's been made is that he is leaving today to go and stay with some friends for 2 weeks, during that time he will decide what he wants to do.When we talked face to face last night I just couldn't/can't help feeling that despite all he is saying about needing space, time, etc. in his mind our marraige is over and he's looking to move on. He said I was much stronger than him; he jumped from one relationship to another. He said that whatever happened he wanted to be there with me for antenatal classes and the labour and the birth. He said that he couldn’t think of anyone he would have rathered have this baby with and that he would have rathered me to be his ex-wife above anyone else. He talked about how we should consider selling the house. He then said that at least I had friends to help me, he didn’t have anyone, even he said that his mum wasn’t really on his side. This made me feel awful cus I hate the idea of him feeling alone and like he has no one. But there is another element which has come to light and I don't know what will come of it, perhaps nothing but its a dangerous situation. There is girl at his work which he likes, she likes him, they flirt a little I guess, she's offing him a shoulder to cry on, being there for him in his time of need, etc. (I know this because I saw text messages from her) When I asked him whether he had confided in anyone at his work he said no just his boss briefly. So when and I said, what about this girl and he said no. Then he asked me why I’d asked and I explained about the text and how I’d came to find it and he laughed embarrassingly, and said ‘ok ok I did speak with her about things we had a cigarette together yesterday’. Then he sort of got a bit defensive with me and said ‘now I know you are going to dwell on this and you won’t let it go’…… And then later on he mentioned he was going to a party this weekend, I guess she will be there too.It's all such a mess and I'm scared for me and my baby. I'm totally stressed out and can't sleep at night at all. So this morning I said to him that, despite him taking a break to see how he feels, I can’t help feeling like he’s made up his mind and it is over, he got angry with me and said that he felt like I was pressuring him into making a yes/no decision there and then and he couldn’t do that, and that really we should be being optimistic that we will miss each other and that the space and time will do us good and that we will want to give it another go.But looking at the past history, looking at how he has chopped and changed his mind over the past weeks I'm not convinced. I personally feel that he's looking for a way out, he feels bad about this situation and is trying to cushion the blow. I just don't know what to do for the best now and I'm scared and confused, I feel so alone and when I think about the future it really worries me. Any comments, advice etc. would be useful for me at this point.Thanksc
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a break, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, flirt, his ex, jealous, move on, moved in, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Hi dear, You are going to have to decide if you will be happy with what you have in him or not. Am I to understand
that his Mother said, there may be a new lady friend at the party, he is to attend? Why would you keep this up with him and his Mother, what about you and his baby?
Personally, my Mother raised four daughters by herself, after she and my Father separated. Don't be afraid of the
future. But it must be your decision. Take care.
A
female
reader, cakeogh +, writes (24 January 2008):
cakeogh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyonethanks so much for replying and giving me opinion on my dilemma. And so the saga goes on, he came home from work last night and he had decided that He wanted to try and make it work between us and he didn't want to move out and have space and time for 2 weeks, as this might make him feel distant from me and he would concentrate on getting used to life without me. I was confused about this and questioned him as to his change of mind, he said he did care for me and obviously for our child and wanted to give it one last shot. Later on he talked about how perhaps we should consider selling our house and downsizing because if/when we do break up the baby and me wouldn't have to move because I could afford to take the mortgate on my own. This is his logic. His mum is coming down to see us at the weekend she's very worried about me and the baby, I get on very well with her but I also know that he is her son and she's always going to be on his side too. She keeps saying he's confused, he's scared about his responsibilities, etc. but I don't think that's it at all, in face he's said its not that. It's just that he's been hurt very badly by all that's gone on and that he doesn't know if there's anything left in our relationship....He's also going to a work party tomorrow night, he was more worried about that, he felt guilty and wanted both mine and his mother's approval. So I just said he had to do what he felt was right. His mother told him that he should go if that's what he wanted to do. Perhaps is new lady friend will be there. He is staying overnight at his bosses house. I don't know, I'm still in total indecision as to what to do. Should I give it one last shot with him, if I do, how long for, or should I just make the decision for both of us now and ask him to leave
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (24 January 2008):
My dear, You married, I'm sorry to say, a grown-up child, who only loves himself. The reason he would argue is because he wanted to leave and did not know how. Love yourself and let this man go on his way, he is only going
to give you grief if you remain with him. You will find a better, more caring person. You and your child deserve much better than he can give. I hope your family will
provide support especially now. Best of luck to you. Please don't waste your life on this selfish person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
Im with r.c.n on this one, my second husband was all over the place I never new where I stood from one minute to the next. I supported him, He did what he wanted I wasnt allowed to go anywere even work became a problem, And he wanted a child 3 months after we married, He had shown no sign of this behaviour before we married and it was always I need to do this to make me happy or I need to do that to make me happy, And when I got pregnant he left when I was 3months pregnant looking back on it now because violent behaviour was to follow all this, I so wish I had the strength to let him leave and stay gone, My life would have been so much easier. Bringing up a child on your own is not easy but its a lot easier that looking after a big one. If I had my chance again I would have let him go as what followed was 6yrs of mental and physical abuse and that my love is all I see for you. I may have learned from this experience but I could well have done without it. My children may not have been brought up by there fathers but they have had all the love in the world and peace that they wouldnt have got if Id stayed in both those relationships. My heart goes out to you love if you need a chat message me ok YOU TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 January 2008):
 After reading this, and remember we're not there with you to really experience or know who your partner really is, I would be a bit more worried about staying with him, than I would being a single parent. His behavior is not the behavior of someone who is married, not even someone who has any commitment what so ever. You seem as if you are a committed person. What kind of environment do you want your child to be raised in? You've all ready talked about the lack of communication skills and handing issues without anger. If you were to get back together, behaviors need to change or your child is going to grow learing these negative behaviors and will react in the way he/she experienced from the environment they grew up in.
Your husband needs to either step up to the challenge of being married. If he's not man enough too, he needs to step away and allow you to rebuild your life for you and your child. Saying guys are use to skinny women, that's not true. Him saying that would be like you saying that girls are use to guys with a bit bigger ________. (you went there, i didn't fill in the blank).
The truth is, you don't need to be with him. The escallation of his behavior, the arguing then really going off to the point of scaring you is controlling behavior. This type of behavior may even escallate into bigger forms of abuse. He blew up as a way of saying "me boss". All though no one should have to be abused, physically or mentally, it still happens, and I think your husband may be a canidate for developing himself in that direction.
The future can get scary. It's the fear of the unknown. I'm a single parent myself. I get scared at times, and I know I'm not alone. I look at my kids and wonder, what if? Then I look at me, my drive and willingness to keep pushing even when confronted by challenges, and know we're going to be OK. I think you will be too. Take care, and I'm glad you chose to come visit this site. Take care.
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