A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 15 years old and I'm craving a child. I know many other people have asked about this but I feel my situation is somewhat different and would like specific advice please.11 months ago today I had a miscarrige; I was almost 4 months pregnant, with a girl, but had only found out a few weeks prior as I had been spotting, which I mistook for my period. The experience devastated me, and I was in and out of counselling for around 6 months. Me and the father broke up, not directly because of the miscarrige; we just weren't as close anymore. He didn't want the baby in the first place, and wasn't very supportive at all.4 months ago I met my current boyfriend, who's the complete opposite. He's helped me with coping with losing her, even though it isn't his place. I know 4 months is a short time but we really do love each other. He understands my craving and need for a baby, and we've talked about it many times. He's promised in a few years when we're financially stable he will give me the family I desire, but the problem is, I need it now.All my life I have been maternal, I babysit and care for my nephew and I've never wanted more than a husband and a family. Since the miscarrige that has got a lot more intense, I often cry and cry because the need gets so unbearable; I just want a child so badly, and not just that, I want to experience the pregnancy, feel my child grow inside me, bring it into the world..I'd also like to get some things straight - please do not patronise me because of my age or the amount of time I've been with my boyfriend, you do not know me personally so you have no right to judge in that aspect.I'd just like some advice please, anything, I'm struggling to cope with this.Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, RainyDays93 +, writes (25 September 2010):
Don't rush into anything, you're not even 18 yet. I can't wait to have a baby but i know that it's not wise to do so until i am at least in my mid twenties. Enjoy being a teenager, go out with your friends and have fun. You don' want to be stuck at home changing nappies while your mates are out having a good time!
I know it is a very difficult thing to have lost a child, my mother miscarried and my nana lost two children from cot death, but don't let this make you feel you should rush do have another child. Let yourself mourn for your lost daughter and try and come to terms with it, maybe more counciling is a good idea. Discuss with a councillor these feelings and maybe talking about it might help. The miscarrage wasn't your fault, these things just happen now and then. Don't have a baby because you feel guilty.
I am so sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you have a loving boyfriend and a supportive family.
Please don't rush into any decision, please think it through. You have your whole life ahead of you!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Good- then we have found the perfect solution. You can join some South American tribe along the Amazonas, I have heard they give birth at 12 there.
As for being self righteous.... please let me draw your attention over a little detail.
Do you live in UK, right ? They have a National Health Service there, and rather good too. So, you think it's free, like in nobody has to pay anything for it. The truth is you, the patient, don't pay - but the Service has a cost, a huge cost, funded by your municipality or county or government health department
The costs for your prenatal care, childbirth, and ,let's say , 3 days in hospital amount to several thousands pounds. Go check. If you should have a C-section ( very likely at your age ) add a few thousands more.
You may say : so, what's the problem ? I am an UK citizen, and I am ENTITLED to medical care.
The problem is, that in your NHS ( and in any other in the world ) funding is always insufficient. Unluckily there is no money to take care of each and any health need of each and any citizen. They always have to do some creative financing, it's like a short blanket- you pull it here, the feet are out; you pull it there, the neck is out.
So, the money the State will have to spend for your impulsive teenage craving will NOT go to other important ( or more important ) things . Hiring more nurses. Maintenance and renewal of old health structures. Free mammography and cervical cancer screenings . Etc. etc.
You are only one- so, I agree that you won't bring NHS to collapse by yourself.
But ,in line of principle, this is serious. If I were British, I'd be very very upset : What the heck ? You "crave" - and I pay ?
This is just ONE of the reason why you can't expect much support from responsible adults. There are many many others, that the other Aunts have shown to you- and the fact that you won't even take them in consideration as possible issues, it's exactly what makes us doubt that you are ready for being a mother.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): If you can find one single person over the age of 25, who thinks they were making decisions at a fully adult level at 15, then I give you my blessing to go have a baby.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): You came on here asking for advice and you got it.Just because you didnt get what you wanted to hear that doesnt mean that we are trying to patronise you or are "taking the mick".The truth is that you are 15 years old and having sex illegally. You are acting incredibly immature and selfishly by thinking that you are responsible enough for having a child.The world is what it is, we arnt in the stone ages anymore. You have to earn money in order to afford to buy things. Yes there are communities around the world where having childeren at your age is acceptable, so go live in africa in a mud hut or get molested by an old man in a polygamy camp. I cant stand by and watch selfish hormonal teenagers having babies they cant afford and taking our tax money to pay for it. We are not self righteous, we are giving you the proper advice you asked for. Because we are older than you, have finished school and have a lot more life experience than you do. Make the most of your youth while you have it. Have a baby when you can afford it yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): thanks for the amount of respect you've given me. not one of you know me personally and do not understand my situation, hence why i asked you not to judge or patronise. i came on here looking for help and all i've got is people taking the complete mick. some people actually need help, not people telling them they're immature and that they should go out and 'party'. a few centuries back it was the norm for girls to marry as they hit puberty and have families, and it's that way in many cultures today, why should i be any different? i'm sick of the way society rules everything, and peoples' desire to be sheep and go along with it. i needed advice but it's becoming clear this was not the place. you called yourself 'agony aunts', but at the end of the day all you do is patronise and chuck in your little self righteous speeches. thanks for everything.
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (23 September 2010):
 The way I see it... you can have it both ways. Your young now, you can have your youth and party and stay out to all hours of the morning and dance and flirt with guys and do all the things people miss when they grow up.
Then when you get older, you can meet the perfect guy, settle down, have all the babies you want and you dont have the older generation frowning down upon you. Excellent! I'm really excited about having a family when i'm older, but right now I wouldn't give up my party life for anything.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (23 September 2010):
 I see that you didnt want any answers related to your age but you have too see that your age is the main concern here.
In order to have sex and conceive a child you will have to have ILLEGAL sex. Your boyfriend could be sent to jail if anyone finds out you are having sex.
The fact that you dont see having a child at 15 as an issue just shows your immaturity.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is the truth. You are still a child by law and are even still under your parents care. You are too young even to receive benefits or be named the guardian of a child. Your name will be on the birth cirtificate but your parents will be the legal guardian of the child, not you.
Does this not make you realise how young you are?
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (23 September 2010):
i'm very sorry for your loss but you wont get help and advice about craving children when you are the age you are you are not mature enough to even take notice of the advice people are giving you. You need to talk to a counselor for you deal with losing your child but there is no way you are ready to have a child if you cant even handle peoples advice maturely
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): Im 24 and had my first miscarriage at 17. I was gutted, I had a boyfriend who I loved and later became my husband. We really wanted this baby, we bought a house together, we got engaged did everything the right way. We were lucky enough that financially we could do this. Losing this baby was awful, I cant describe how I felt. We planned to try again and the same happened, this happened again and again.
NOW LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY........YOU DO NOT WANT A BABY.
I am 24 my marriage ended after 6 years and I dont have any children. You change so much in these years and I am so so glad I do not have children, Im still not ready. I dont expect to be ready for jeeez another 5 at least years. Im sad for what happened, but wouldnt change it now.
Your age is telling you to have a baby. Its hormones and you will get over it in a short time and you will realise that having a baby would not be the right thing for you. Trust me, I have done soooooooo much with my life that would never have been possible with children. I also think you are craving a baby to love you, I dont mean to be rude, but what can you give this child? I know you think you have seen alot, But trust me you havent, I have seen more than most for my age and I know that at 17 no chance and at 15 (and god i thought Id seen so much) no way. You have so much to go through before you are strong enough to give the child what it needs.
Please think so carefully about this, you can do so much with your life. Build a career, go on holidays with friends, travel, college.... and believe me your going to have more boyfriends in your life.
This is coming from someone who was financially stable, with a bought house, a car, and everything to provide for a baby. If I wasnt ready your not.
You need to find the love you crave from somewhere else. Go to counselling, speak to your family.... but dont make this mistake.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 September 2010):
 First off, I'm sorry for your loss.
Secondly miscarriages are more common in the very young, because you are not fully mature and able to carry and deliver a child.
Seek help. You need to deal with the loss of the baby. Having another one will NOT fill the void. I lost one over 20 years ago and I am still aware of it. It is not something you can ever forget, but you can deal with it and accept it.
I don't want to sound patronizing, but as lovely as babies are, you REALLY don't need one right now. TRUST me on that. Finish school, if you are smart get some college,university time in as well. Find a job and move out on your own. You seem to like children, so maybe you should look into education, working with children.
Make sure you are stable in your relationship AND financially before having a child.
If you want something small to love RIGHT NOW, get a dog.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (23 September 2010):
 Cindy said it best. Moreover, you should realize that a craving for a child when you are too young to financially support it is not maternal or parental behavior; it's pretty selfish. It sounds like you yearn to 'accessorize' yourself with a pregnancy and baby and do not understand the gravity of or responsibility that comes with bringing another human being into this world. You may think you have enough money right now to provide food and clothes, but do you have enough in the event of a crisis? What if your baby were to be born with a debilitating illness or in a few years suffered a serious accident? Could you afford what would probably be thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical insurance? Good parents plan for these events and more. My parents were saving for my college education well before I was even born! I know right now what you're looking for is a child to love you, but please give that child what it deserves: a good parent. Wait until you can afford her (or him) so you can set her up properly for life, and not leave her wanting for a stable environment all her life and a dad who hasn't walked out when she was two and been replaced by a string of step-dads who touch her in the wrong places, because THIS is how it happens: having a child when you're just not ready.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 September 2010):
May I ask something :
you crave a baby - and who would be going to make your craving financially possible ?
Are you self -sufficient economically ? Do you have a job, a good,steady job ? does your bf have one ?
Or do you plan to just fob the cost of raising and caring for your child on your parents, or in-laws ? or maybe on the State -i.e. the tax payers ?
I know this sounds harsh and uncompassionate, but I think that,beside and before all the possible psychological implications of your case, a reality check is in order.
In the adult world, if I have a strong craving for something ,- I have either to pay for it out of my pocket,or to go without.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): if you read the paragraph close to the end, you'll see I asked specifically for answers not to be related to my age or my boyfriend. I need help and advice, not to to be told that my child would hate/blame me. please take that kind of response elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (23 September 2010):
I'm sorry for you loss, from experience I can imagine how your feeling now.
I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks last year and it was devestating and a few weeks after it happened all i could think about was getting pregnant again. And those thoughts lasted for about a year. I had counselling too, which tbh was rubbish! Talking about my feelings!? pfft..
You need to look at yourself and realise that what you are feeling isnt real, its your hormones. Your age does come into this too, at 15 your hormones are out of control. They will level out in your early 20s. Find something that you enjoy or are interested in and put all your energy into that. Study hard to get good GCSEs, they will be the building blocks of your career.
I'm glad I came around and found something to take my mind off my broodiness. Even at 21, I am far too young to have a child. Also think about how you would afford to have a baby? It costs £5000 in the first 2 years just for nappies! Where are you going to live? How are you going to earn money and go to school?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2010):
No you don't need it now! I am very sorry that you had a miscarriage, but you're not ready. At all.
You're too young, and it's illegal.
You've not been with your boyfriend long enough.
You don't have any money at all.
If you're serious about being a good mother to a child, you have to accept that you're too young. You have to accept that you and your boyfriend haven't known each other long enough to be able to make a decision like this. You have to accept that he is not ready (he has already said that), and that you need to be financially stable. It's no use in you claiming that you 'want one now'. That's a very immature attitude to take towards a human life you want to bring in the world.
I am sorry you had a miscarriage, and perhaps you need to talk to someone professionally about it. But don't have a child because you 'want one now'. That's a very immature and dangerous attitude. After all, you don't want your child to resent being born into a home where you can't afford anything, or where you're too young to cope.
Get help for the miscarriage, but don't have a child. You'll just bring an innocent child into a world that neither you, your boyfriend or the child will cope with. And when that child grows up, it will blame you.
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