A
female
age
26-29,
*aelabear
writes:I'll be honest. I'm 14 and planning on getting pregnant. I've been with my boyfriend (19) for a while. He is going to propose and is okay with me getting pregnant. He wants a child as do I. I understand I am only a child. Yet I'm not. I stoppe being a child when I was raped at 11. Since then, I've grown up and never act my age. I babysit a lot and tons of parents that love me and love how I am great with their kids. (age range: 3 months and up) I've talked to my mom about this. She said it's not bad. But she would be disappointed but yet understanding. She knows how bad I want a baby and how good I am with them. But she told me I have to telle dad myself. How do I tell him...? Keep in mind, that my dad, is a very violent man.
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female
reader, 0occoo  +, writes (23 October 2011):
 I am sorry about you getting raped, and i know how you feel as it happened to me at 12. But no, you really shouldn't get pregnant at your age. I know it is a cliche, but you really do have the rest of your life ahead of you.
Plus, you are still under the age of consent and he isn't...He could get in serious trouble getting you pregnant. If he goes to jail...then what can you do? Your baby will be without a father! Do you have the space and money to have a baby? Probably not, so why put your kid through a bad life?
Also, what about you? You'll have to drop out of school with little or no grades meaning employment will be hard, if you and this "boyfriend" do not work out, you'll have a constant reminder of him as well as a baby that you will have to show to every guy you could possibly date. And when they find out you had it at 14/15, it might put out warning signals.
It's a really bad idea, but it's your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): I'm sorry but you seem very immature to even be considering this. There is alot more to looking after a baby and raising a child than just 'i really want one' 'i baby sit sometimes' 'i've been with my boyfriend for awhile'. Read all the advice here really carefully, and actually think about the consequences of such a stupid action.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 It's a BAD idea to have a baby in your teenage years and out of wedlock.
I'm sorry to hear about your rape at 11, but are you aware that your boyfriend is committing statutory rape by being with you?? He's 19, over the legal age of consent, legally an adult. You on the other hand are 14, a minor in your parent's care and under the legal age of consent to sex.! He will go to jail! Legally he can't marry you..and I doubt your both your parent's will give their signature to allow their minor daughter to marry.
It's rather disturbing that your mother is pushing this issue on your father. She should be discouraging you from having sex!
I'm sorry, even though you may think you're not a child, legally, physically, and mentally you are still a child. This decision you're pondering, is something that you ponder when you're finished with school, have a degree, happily married for a few years, have a stable income(s), own a home and car. Then you'll be ready to have a baby. Deciding to have one at 14, is immature and naive. Adults aren't immature and naive, they're logical and sensible.
Tell your dad in person, this is a serious situation and will not be taken lightly. You're a minor in your parents care, what they say goes. Be prepared to be grounded and banned from your boyfriend until you're 30.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 October 2011):
 If you don't listen to these wonderful Aunts...wear a helmet when you tell your Dad and for crying out loud do not move to North Carolina. That's all I have.
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A
female
reader, iloveyou2 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 how exactly is he going to be a good dad if hes in prison which is where hes going to be if you get pregnant? and as for you dad if hes violent then hes going to be less likely to support you finacally and emotionally so its just going to be you and your baby on your own in a manky flat and since your not legally allowed to get a job apart from paperrounds or babysitting which are NOT going to provide for your family and your probably going to have to resort to staying with friends or doing something stupid like prostitution to pay for everything, imagine growing up in that kind of enviroment for the sake of that baby and also i think your mother is very irresponsible allowing you to CHOOSE to get pregnant especially at your age and what youve been through
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Ok... so before I can tell you how to tell your dad I need you to tell me a few things (Aunties work with me here)
1. do you plan to drop out of school to have this baby? YES? if so how do you plan to support this child? and who will care for this child while you are out supporting it? (btw what kind of job does a 15 yr old high school drop out qualify for?)
NO? how do you plan to support this child? and who is going to care for this child while you are in school? and then working at minimum a part time job?
2. what medical care do you have in place for you during and after the pregnancy and who will medically care for the baby and how is this going to be paid for?
3. where will you live? and why will you live there?
4. how much does a box of diapers cost? how many diapers does a baby need every day?
5. are you breast feeding? how many calories a day do you need to support your body and the baby? if you are not breast feeding which formula do you wish to use and why? if the baby is allergic to that one, will you switch to soy? if the baby is allergic to that one (I had a child allergic to dairy and SOY... it was eat at mom or used MEAT based formula)... HOW many bottles a day does a baby need? how much will that cost???
6. how will you clothe the baby?
7. what do you do when you have had 2 hours of sleep your boyfriend wants sex, the baby is teething for the 4th day in a row, there are no clean clothes, there is no money for food, you're hungry he's hungry, the baby needs diapers and it's 3 am and the baby is SCREAMING? I used to babysit from age 9 till 24 when I had my own child... trust me.. being a baby sitter is WAY different than being a mommy...
8. If your dad is a violent man how do you plan to keep the baby away from him and keep the baby safe?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 October 2011):
 A baby will not fix everything. Give it another 5-6 years AT LEAST - you NEED to be finacial stable to take care of a child. You will still be good with babies and kids by then.
Have you ever had counseling after the rape?
Having a baby at 14 is stupid. You don't come across as a stupid girl.
I baby is not like having a cute puppy or kitten. It's a 24/7 commitment for the rest of your life.
The risks when being this young and having babies is high. You say you are not a child anymore, mentally that might be right, but your BODY is.
Don't be a statistic. Teen pregnacies in the US is 10% of all pregnacies. Out of those 10% a lot of those kids grow up WAY under the poverty line.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): KC100 said it all, and so well.
Firstly, I'm sorry you got raped, I've been sexually abused and it's terrible. I am 18 and whenever I see a cute little baby, all that runs through my mind is 'oh my god I want a baby', it's hormonal and I can tell you now every woman sometime in their life will have that craving for a child, it's natural, we are designed to reproduce and have a caring nuturing personality.
But the truth is, you are only fourteen, and yes you are child, you admitted that myself, you may be a very mature fourteen year old, but that does not make you an adult, and no child should ever be raising a child. Even at a young age, whether you're even 19 or 20, unless you can support yourself financially, which includes having a stable job and income, where you can easily afford to rent, afford to buy and run a car, afford groceries, clothes, and then all the living expenses that once you're older, you're going to want to do.
Just please before you do ANYTHING, think about it. IF you get engaged to your boyfriend, are you two really going to get married? Can you definitely tell yourself that this guy who is five years older than you will stick with a young teenager, and if you do have a child, is he really going to support it? And will he always support you? Is this man the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and be the father to your child/ren. I know what it feels to think your 'in love' at fourteen, trust me when I got dumped at that age, I didn't eat for months, I got very sick, and huge self esteem problems, I developed anorexia after that break up and still to this day, nearly five years ago, I still suffer from it. So if this guy was to leave you, whether you were pregnant or already had a child, would you emotionally be able to cope? Being pregnant you really need to stay healthy.
Please just listen to what every one is saying, I know you won't listen when everyone says it's a mistake. Maybe you can enjoy mothering children by baby sitting them? Finish your education at school at least, maybe you could even get a career in childcare? Your life will change enough already over the next few years, you do not need to bring a child into the world that you cannot possibly give a life good enough that it deserves. Yes the baby may get all the love in the world it needs, but as everyone else has said, children need a lot more than love, they need stability. So if you love the idea of having a baby of your own, please think about its future.
Just hold off on making such big decisions in your life until you have the stability to do so.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I do not condone, approve or encourage violence. In general. I'll make one exception right now. I hope you do tell your dad, and I hope he WILL get violent, not with you of course, but with this 19 y.o. ape who's planning to get pregnant a child. Not terribly violent - just enough to care him of his inclinations for statutory rape.
Because this is what it is : rape.
You have been horribly wounded at 11 and maybe now you are trying to heal yourself reproducing the experience in a way in which you THINK you have power and control over. That's why you want to grow up so fast, through sex and making babies - but that's stuff for adults. The experience which violated your childhood did not automathically made you all grown up, in fact, alas, it may have held you back in
many respects - you act grown up, and you have the I want I want I want at all costs ( in face of reason, and practical considerations ) mentality of a young child.
You need to heal, and having a baby whom you are not psichologically and FINANCIALLY equipped to provide for is NOT the way to heal.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Ok, in terms of health, here is why having a child under the age of 20 is a bad idea:
- Teenage mothers are less likely to gain adequate weight during their pregnancy, leading to low birthweight. Low birthweight is associated with several infant and childhood disorders and a higher rate of infant mortality (death). Low-birthweight babies are more likely to have organs that are not fully developed, which can result in complications, such as bleeding in the brain, respiratory distress syndrome, and intestinal problems.
- Pregnant teens have a higher risk of getting high blood pressure - called pregnancy-induced hypertension - than pregnant women in their 20s or 30s. They also have a higher risk of preeclampsia. This is a dangerous medical condition that combines high blood pressure with excess protein in the urine, swelling of a mother's hands and face, and organ damage.
Aside from putting your health at risk and your unborn child's health at risk, here are the other issues that you need to consider:
1. Do you own or rent a house big enough to have a child? I'm sure the answer here in your case is NO! You cant expect your mum and dad to help you out and let you live at home with your baby, they already have one child (you!), they dont want another! And you cant expect the government to bail you out either. To raise a child properly you need a nice home of your own so you can bring the child up in a happy, clean and comfortable environment that he or she can call home. Stuck in your bedroom in your parents house is not a good home for a child.
2. Do you have a good career with future prospects? Again, lets guess what the answer is for you - NO!! You wont have even finished school, where on earth do you think the money is going to come from to raise this child? You need a good job that pays well to raise a child, otherwise you wont be able to feed him/her properly, clothe them, buy toys, take them on days out, pay for doctors etc....you will be struggling for every dollar and wont be able to provide for your child.
3. Do you have a car? Bet the answer is NO again! How do you expect to get around with your child? Do you think your mum and dad are going to act as a taxi service for you and the baby? What if your mum and dad are out and you need to get to the doctors or the hospital if the baby is ill? Without a car you will be stuck at home, wont be able to take the baby for more than a walk around the block and if there is an emergency you will be stuck.
4. Do you have some savings ready to fork out the initial costs of having a child? Like buying all the things you need in preparation for a child? Have you thought about how much a child costs? It is estimated around $100,000 until the age of 18 - where are you going to get that kind of money from?
5. Do you have a supportive family network around you? As much as your mum and dad might help you, they might also disown you for getting pregnant at such a young age - what happens then? You cant rely on your parents to sort everything out for you and you can just sit there happy as larry holding the baby - unless you can provide for yourself then there is no way you can provide for a baby.
6. Are you ready to give up going out with friends, having any money to buy clothes/make-up etc for yourself? All for the baby? You will have no time or money for yourself so you need to be ready to give up a lot for this child.
Think about it this way - you want to give your child the best life you possibly can, but is this possible at your age? Or would you be able to provide more for your child, like educational toys, days out, more knowledge and wisdom, a better family environment, if you waited a few years?
The reason why most people wait until they are in their 20's to have kids is so they can finish their educations, get good jobs that pay well (children are SO expensive), and more importantly - so that you are wise enough and knoweldgeable enough to raise a child well. When the child comes to you asking for help with its homework, or wants to know some deep question about life, normally you need a good amount of life experience behind you to really give your child the knowledge and values it needs to set them up in life. And if you have not lived, and all you have done is quit school to have a child, you are not going to be able to give it the rounded, knowledgeable childhood it needs to turn the child into a well-rounded adult.
Think about if you are in a position to give the child the best life possible, or if you need to get your life sorted first. There is never any harm in waiting, if you have a child at 23/25 you will still be a young mum but at least you will be in a better place in life to handle having a child.
Having a baby now will not make your life better - it will only make it worse. You will have no money, no friends, and no future. The baby wont show its love for you for a few years - at first it is just a pooping, eating and sleeping machine that is only interested in the people that feed it. Love is not enough for a child - it needs the support of 2 adults (mum and dad) who are mentally and emotionally ready for a child and the hardship it brings. You cannot give the child all it needs on love alone, a baby needs so much more.
If you really want to be a mum, then surely you will want to be a good mum right? And aged 14, even aged 16, 17, 18 or 19 you CANNOT be a good mum. You cannot offer the child everything it needs, therefore you would be damaging the child. You can love it as much as you want - children need a heck of a lot more than just love alone.
What you are feeling is normal, a lot of teenagers have this issue (search dear cupid and you will see) - the reason you feel like this is because your hormones are running riot and telling you that you are ready for a baby. Once you have started your periods, your body thinks it is ready for a baby hence it releases lots of hormones that make you think about having babies. But this does not mean it is a good idea - quite the opposite!
You should not let hormones dictate your life, your brain is the sensible part here and you need to be sensible about this. You simply cannot give a child a good life, therefore wait until you are old enough when you can give a child a good life.
The key thing here is - if you cant provide for yourself (i.e. look after yourself totally independent from your parents) then you cannot provide for and care for a baby. Once you have moved out, got a job, a car, some savings.....etc then you can have baby. Until that day - you are not ready and you would only be hurting your child if you were silly enough to have a baby.
I really hope you dont do this, you will be ruining your life, hurting your parents, messing up your boyfriends life (who, by the way has no clue what he is getting himself into and I can promise you this - he will run once the baby is born, all teenage boys do, they cant handle the responsiblity once the child arrives. They all like the idea of a baby, but once it arrives it is a different story). And most importantly, you will be giving this child a bad start in life when if you were grown up about this, you could easily wait until you are older and then give the baby a great start in life. If you have a child now you are just being selfish - you are trying to make up for your bad childhood by having a baby, you are not doing this for the right reasons.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (12 October 2011):
Firstly, I am very sorry to hear that you were raped at the age of 11. I cannot imagine what that must be like, and I hope you have had some counselling and plenty of support.
Unfortunately, I would think that a 19 year old having sex with a 14 year old would be statutory rape. Your bf is an adult and you are a minor. The law is there with the aim of protecting you from people like this. In my opinion, your boyfriend really ought to know much better than wanting to have a sexual relationship with a child.
You should be prepared for your dad to go to the police if you do get pregnant from this guy.
I know you say you are an adult and don't act your age, but the truth is that at 14 you are no where near having completed your education, let alone being in a position to financially provide for a child without the state/your parents basically having to support you. If your bf is only 19 then he won't have a degree, for example; what sort of money does he earn? Does he own his own place? Car?
You have to think hard about this? Do you really want to bring a child into the world whose parents have a low level of education- which will translate into low income- and whose mother is child herself? Can you drive? Do you have a regular income? What can you offer to make sure that your child has the best possible start in life on a practical level?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): Nobody is answering because there is not much to say. We all know you are making a huge mistake. It is a very common mistake especially for someone of your history and environment. We know we cannot talk you out of it. So we just feel sad and powerless.
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