A
female
age
36-40,
*kysthelimit01
writes:Hey everyone, I have been in a sexual relationship with a colleague of mine for almost a year now. Prior to anything sexual, he made it clear that he did not want any emotions or attachments to form once we had sex. He also stated that we would not be in a committed relationship, just sex and nothing more. I agreed even though I knew it would be hard. This is the part that confuses me. He said no emotions, yet when we're together (outside of work), he is the complete opposite. He holds me, interlocks fingers with mine, confides in me, he's even cried in front of me. Sometimes we don't even have sex. We'll catch a movie or go out to dinner. He's even sent me flowers. He is always asking if I date, who I'm dating and then he'll follow up with a million questions about the guy. Sometimes he'll try to make me jealous by telling me that so and so was flirting with him, or so and so is interested in him. I do not give him a reaction or bombard him with questions like he does to me. Instead, I encourage him to go out and date. I hope you all can understand my confusion. If there's no emotions, and we're just friends with benefits, why does he care about who I date? Why does he try to make me jealous? Why is he soft and passionate when we're together? Why are his actions not reflecting the no emotions or attachment rule? Honestly, I have grown attached to him and I'm dying to tell him I love him. I keep remembering what he said though. No emotions or attachments. Am I missing something here? What do you all think is happening? Thanks for reading and for your input!
View related questions:
flirt, flowers, friend with benefits, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 September 2014):
 Because "FWB" rarely stays as "FWB"... and one of the participants really isn't content with "FWB".... and he - or she - will, ultimately - tip his or her hand..... That's what you've got going, here...
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): Men see their sex partners in a possessive way. That is primal masculine instinct.
Men don't like to be compared to other men sexually. So yes, he would be concerned about his male competition and exposure to STD's. He also wants to make sure if some guy comes along, he's not going to cut-off his booty-supply.
You're still considered as his sexual property. Of course he's going to be sweet to you. He cares. That doesn't mean he wants to form a commitment, where he is restricted to one and only one female.
The "friend" in friends with benefits is literal in meaning. The emotional connection is not as defined, secure, and structured as the romantic emotional connection called "a committed-relationship."
With FWB you can unbuckle your safety-harness; and you're single and unrestrained in a matter of seconds. Your status is always officially "single."
He doesn't want to deal with monogamy, and feel stifled within the boundaries of exclusiveness. By avoiding any label of ownership. Resisting being branded with the possessive title of "boyfriend." He's a boy, who's just a friend.
His experience with "girlfriends" is probably suffocating clingyness, nagging, snooping, and domestic quarrels.
He doesn't know how to choose them. So his perception of monogamy is distorted. Too confining. Yet he doesn't want to give up the option of having a regular sex-partner.
So he laid out the rules of the game for you.
Leaving out the labels will allow him to enjoy having female companionship, sex on demand, and the freedom he wants by keeping things informal and casual. A constant
flow of fresh milk, without buying the cow. Figuratively speaking! Please don't take offense. Not intended that way.
He feels it's easier to set the pace or direction things go, and gauge the degree of attachment. Women do tend to move a lot faster that us guys through the phases of forming committed relationships; and they demand signs of a relationship leading to marriage. They like to see signs of growth. If they don't feel the relationship is evolving, they express dissatisfaction and become restless. Then they become irritating.
Some men favor FWB over commitment, because it moves slower. If he does decide to commit, it's when he's good and ready. That means, commitment was always his secret intention; but he doesn't like to be rushed by women.
Guys like that will eject a pushy-female like a catapult.
They make terrible boyfriends, even when they want to be.
They're controlling and selfish. Mean.
Women use FWB in a more fraudulent way. They claim they want no attachment; but secretly, they feel it's the only way to trap a man into coming around regularly. By offering him sex whenever he wants it. As long as they keep the strings invisible. They can sustain themselves on an imaginary-relationship; until the real thing comes along. The convenience is there to just drop him instantaneously!
His services no longer required.
The FWB concept, to me is a form of arrested-development. It's adolescent in nature, slightly cowardly, and totally opportunistic. It's fun as hell too! Personally, I avoid them. Either I commit, or I don't. I prefer meaningful sex and exclusiveness; as proof I mean something more than my man-parts. I'll have casual-sex, but return performances are unlikely. I've got feelings. Sex for me is an expression of affection. No judging anybody else. To each his own.
A FWB is a misnomer for a diehard commitment-phobe. They are better defined as phuck-buddies. They have no feelings and you're no friend. You're just a piece of meat; just somebody to get-off on. FWB is more sensitive than that. More considerate of your partner's feelings; but equally irresponsible in nature. FWB's can actually be caring, and they'll be there for a "friend." They just like to play outside the friend-zone. Then raise the boundary-markers that make it friendship, if they happen to find another(or more interesting) sex-partner. You'll have no right to interfere.
He isn't trying to make you jealous if he tells you about an interest or recent attraction; he's warning you. Alerting you to the possibilities. Your jealousy is irrelevant. Not really his concern unless you misbehave.
It's also adding spice to the sauce, to make him more desirable to you. You need the fear of female competition to motivate you sexually, or you'll take him for granted.
When people can't handle the responsibility of committing to another person, for whatever reason. Being voluntarily exclusive and faithful may be too demanding. Especially; while they're in emotional or psychological repair from a caustic partner in their past. They fear failure or recurrences of nightmarish events of old traumatic relationships. Sometimes it's just gun-shyness gone viral in intensity. You have to be very careful, they are often on the rebound. So they define the connection just FWB.
For guys or gals who are "players," commitment is a form of emotional entrapment. A quasi-marriage. They want to be able to stray sexually when they get bored, and they don't want to deal with the drama that committed relationships bring. They want easy in and easy out. An assortment of partners to pick and choose from. They're narcissistic, you should avoid them like herpes. If he shows any of those tendencies, you better run!
Your friend has formed an emotional attachment, but the "male-version" of it. Which allows him to feel and express his jealousy, be possessive (even protective); but he can walkout of a relationship at any given moment, and not look back. No matter how much he may have cared for you. He'll just say, we were just friends. He leaves this emergency fire-exit available for this very reason. One thing goes wrong that he doesn't like, and he has an easy escape route or an ejector seat. So don't take your FWB connection out of context. If you want more, get out of it. Make him have to come after you. If he's looking for something more meaningful, he will.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I agree with everyone else on here - he's wanting the Girl Friend Experience. He wants the benefits of a girlfriend without any sort of string attached.
As for the crying and talking, that's the number one observation that call girls/escorts/high end prostitutes make about their clients. The second most desired thing besides sex is someone to talk to, and talk and talk and talk. Guys are supposed to be the strong, aloof and together guy, so when he's with an escort (or in your case, an FWB), he can talk and cry and do all of the things he may think will weaken him in front of an actual girlfriend.
But I want to speak to the jealousy thing and the constant asking about who you are dating and so on. I don't mean to dash your hopes, but it's about ego and territory. Even an FWB guy finds it a tough thought to swallow if another guy is in his "territory". His ego drives him to compete, hence all of the questions. It's part of the GFE - and also another observation that escorts make about their clients. They want to be lied to and told that they are the best, the most well-endowed, the king, superior to every other guy you have ever thought of or felt like being with. And yes, all of this is present even with no strings attached.
I'm going to tell you something now - you need to cut this off now, and I mean immediately. When you said this, "Honestly, I have grown attached to him and I'm dying to tell him I love him", you're about to go through a world of pain if you do not end your arrangement with the guy now, detach yourself emotionally from him, and get away from him and end all contact. If you don't do that, your heart is destined for the emotional wood chipper, and it's going to be 10 times more brutal than even you can imagine.
This guy is doing the GFE with you - but it's all a mirage. If anything, you should get a taste for what you want out of a REAL boyfriend and leave this guy so you can have a REAL boyfriend and not play act with one only to enhance his orgasms when they happen.
You are caught in the spiderweb. The FWB Venus flytrap. Get out NOW while you can because you're too attached...WAY too attached.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): I read few comments here on DC from men who are convinced that there is absolutely no difference between men and women when it comes to sex, that women are absolutely able and are in just for meaningless sex solely for pure pleasure. In my experience it's very far from true. Men and women look at sex very differently. While most men will go for sex with almost any women ( was debated here by men also) if they have an earge, women won't . Even if a male right in front of them willing and eager women would prefer be without sex that with someone they don't desire.When it comes to FWB it's the same story. Man can fuck you doesn't matter how he feels about you or even finds you very moderately attractive. Women very often judge the situation how they see sexual encounter: that a man they are in bed with is really into them which can't be further from the truth. O, of course they can play a role WHILE they are doing it but afterwards it's over, everyone goes home. That's why I could never understand why women agree with this situationon a first place. What is excellent and convenient for them is not for us. FWB was a term totally created by men for THEIR convenience. Now they are trying to convince women that it's acceptable and this is what women want. Don't read too much into it. And my advice would be to stop doing it, and find yourself a real boyfriend
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 September 2014):
 agree with everything Cindy Tisha and Honeypie have said.
he's a FRIEND, not a fuck buddy... friends do things together.
you want more and as is common with sexual relationships you now care about him.
there is only one thing to do and that's TALK TO HIM about it.
it may be that he just wants the full GFE/FWB or perhaps his feelings have changed too and like YOU he's afraid to say something...
You HAVE to take the risk and talk to him about the changes.
then you have to bite the bullet if he says "no" he doesn't want to change and upgrade you to GF and you have to end the sexual part of the relationship.
IF you want more and he does not (after a year of FWB he knows if he wants more) then staying will in the long run hurt you deeply. If he only wants FWB, then he will stay with you till he meets someone he wants more with then he will leave you. You will be crushed. Better for you to admit how you feel to him and let him know you need and want more.
He may agree and then all is good
if he says no and you leave, he MAY realize he wants more with you and come back and ask for the full relationship
he may say he only wants FWB and you wanting more have to end the sex part and if he doesn't want more and it still hurts you may have to leave the friendship and go NO CONTACT to heal.
it's a lousy situation to fall for your FWB... what's weird is that it happened for me... and what made me fall was that he was falling first... but he would not tell me. so when I told him we sort of started progressing towards a relationship with neither of having that intent when we started.
I will be married to my NSA/FWB for two years next month.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2014):
 I absolutely agree with Cindy on all counts.
1. He wants to have the GFE when he is with you. When he is not in the mood for the GFE, you mean nothing to him.
And 2.
Over and over and over here on DC we get female poster (mainly) who AGREE to a FWB even though they really WANT relationships. They seem to think that FWB is a good thing for them, because, maybe, perhaps the dude might actually START to care and want more. Except they find out that WHEN the guys want more, they look for another girl, NOT the FWB girl. Somehow if a women agrees to a FWB she is rarely GF material.
Talk to him, if he doesn't feel the same then WHY not END it and find a man who will ACTUALLY GENUINELY CARE for you?
Why be his walking vagina?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): Maybe you feel the same way? if your actively telling him to persue other women he's not going to feel like theres a chance for more. And telling him about dates your going on isnt either. I'm not saying your doing anything wrong from what was said at first but clearly things have now progressed. Judging by the fact that you are so adamantly now pressing for him to date and you too, at the start I bet you were very keen on the idea of casual sex. Which would also lead me to believe he thinks casual is what you want also. So what im getting at is maybe he is just as scared as you to share how he really feels. Maybe quizzing you about dating is jis way of testing the waters. I think you need to be honest with him. It is clearly no longer casual sex it looks like there are feelings on both sides. It seems to me your in a grey area of does he, doesnt he and he vice versa. you need to find out for your own sanity you cant keep having casual sex with someone you love. If your rejected better now than another year later. If he doesnt feel the same by now he probably never will. Maybe everyone else is right about this guy but it seems to me you both went into this knowing what it was, and if you want it to change be honest! good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 What happens, is that he is doing a real FWB, ( which only excludes committment, the choice of monogamy, and plans for the future )- as opposed to the fuck buddy thing that you were expecting.
He is having the GFE ( girlfriend experience )- without having, or wanting, a GF. Or, you as GF.
I don't agree that his actions contraddict his words- a) because THE action who would contraddict his words would be to upgrade you to GF ,as in a year he would have had ample tie to do and b ) because a physical relationship does not mean an ANIMAL relationship, no complicity, no affection, no conversation etc. I must say, for the umpteen time, that I find sad how there are posters like you and many others who believe, or feign they believe, that ,if it's just sex, then it's Ok, normal, regular, good to expect or accept to be treated ,not like a friend, or a woman at least !, but like an inflatable doll , or some hole in the wall where the guy is supposed to stick his dick and leave.
That must mean that there must be around a lot of male apes in human clothing- or a lot of women with low-to-zero self -esteem.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I guess he's hoping he doesn't have to worry about STDs or losing his casu sex partner. It probably takes a bit of time to cultivate and keep happy an NSA sex partner. If he's used to it he would like the heads up if he's going to lose that sex partner so he can start finding another one right away.
Why are you hiding your feelings while reading more into his actions?
Time for a reality check, woman!
...............................
|
