A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my bf's dad. I've been with my bf for about 3 yrs now and I've always heard him bash on his dad. It took me at least a yr to understand their relationship because my bf was too embarrassed to share it with me. Anyways, my bf's dad is quite arrogant and he's always trying to put his son down. My bf's told me that he's never introduced any of his past gfs to his father bc he was too embarrassed to. When I met his father for the first time, he was very nice to me and to my bf. But, after that first meeting, I realized that my bf was right about him. He's always trying to bring his son down and mocks him in sarcastic ways. For instance, I recently friended his dad on fb bc he insisted, even though my bf didn't want me to, but I finally got his permission (it was getting to the point where I felt like i was being rude to his dad) Anyways, I had a small convo with his dad and I told him that I think his son is really awesome. This was his response: "Yeah he's awesome all right....some people look at a jackass and think that's awesome to" I don't know how to respond to him hating on my bf like this. I respect both of them a lot, but I bf just doesn't have the patience for his dad anymore. His dad is divorced and has never married. He's living with someone else right now, who I think is just their bc of his money. How should I respond to him when he says things like this? I don't want to be rude, but at the same time, I really just him to respect my bf more. Any ideas?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 September 2014):
 unfriend the dad... there is no need for you to be friends on facebook with him. if dad can be rude so can you.
I would just know that dad is a jerk and nothing you say will change his mind... therefore when you have to deal with him just smile and say "that's your opinion" and do and say nothing else.
your bf knows his dad is wrong and as such as opted to avoid him which is perfectly acceptable.
just because they are relatives does not mean you have to have to have a relationship with them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): The Dad very obviously feels threatened by the son, both in terms of the son possibly representing a superior (by being younger, more capable and having a girlfriend etc) version of himself and because the Dad will have his own, private issues going on that mean he is a very insecure individual - and this means that he will be far more threatened than many about their son. Another factor will be that the Dad probably has not learned how to actively nurture a child/young adult/adult and feels threatened by that possibility - it's a bit like if someone told you "You are supposed to know how to rock-climb, get on with it", but without you having any experience and without the right equipment.Everything points to the Dad having been brought up very unloved or with some trauma in his early life, so that he feels fundamentally inadequate. He feels compelled to 'bring down' his own son in order to feel better about himself. My guess is that, like many, he absolutely fears abandonment underneath everything and, at an unconscious level, if he 'disables' his son emotionally then his son will be unable to leave him. This kind of pattern is far, far more common than we think - even in healthy families this pattern appears but the thing is that it can happen in ways that children accept and want - for example a Mum and Dad saying to their daughter that it's maybe not a good idea to become an astronaut, or to go and live in Africa, will have different effects on different girls in different families - for some they will want this reassurance because it feels nice to be with Mum and Dad whereas, for others, it will be a threat to their ambition and they will reject it.In your boyfriend's case, he's perpetuating the pattern because he hasn't changed his response to it. He's still responding to his Dad in the way he always has. It's not doing either of them any good. BUT intriguing as all this may be to some people, and maybe to you, you CANNOT fix it. You can discuss it with your partner and see what he thinks. If HE wants to change things then it's up to him to change his responses to his Dad and, likewise, it's up to the Dad to decide if he wants to change.You CAN flag up the possibility of change for both of them, but you risk being rejected - often anything like this is seen as a threat by both parties. It's then a matter of you deciding if you can live with it and cope with it by doing things like ignoring the Dad, or whether you want to be with a more receptive partner who is willing to change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2014):
 EDIT:
Last line should have said:
You BF cannot fix it either.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2014):
Honestly, I'd avoid the Dad. You can't change the Dad and obviously you don't have to stand by and watch him be this nasty man either.
I would explain to your BF how hard it is for you to see his dad belittle him and this is why you rather not be around the man.
This is not something you can fix. The man is an idiot who either doesn't know how to love or resent his son for being alive or he is just plain jealous because his own life sucks, so he takes it out on his son.
You BF can fix it either. He can distance himself from him dad or ignore it.
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