A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with a colleague, and fell in love. We were both married when it started. It has gone on for two years, and I am now JUST divorced. One problem: he moved out a year ago and has not started divorce proceedings. I know he adores me, he is ALWAYS with me and will do anything it takes to be with me 24/7. He calls me on my ride to work, we talk at lunch, we are always together and he worships the ground I walk on. HOWEVER...he will not talk about his wife and their relationship. He tells me they don't talk and never did. There is nothing to tell me. I told him every emotion, every action as I was going through mine. He will not answer her phone calls in front of me. During weekdays, he goes home and spends time with his kids while she is there. I have never been jealous until recently. Any advice? Am I to be patient and let the cards fall? I do not want to push him. If he loves me, he will divorce her, but how long do I let him continue this until I know he will never do it?
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affair, divorce, fell in love, jealous, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): If he did divorce his wife and you remained his partner, what kind of relationship would it be. THe pair of you will be forever unsure as to whether the other was cheating because afterall this is what your relationship is built on...deceit!
How do you know how he feels about his wife? He could be telling you lies, he is readily lying to the mother of his children!
The fact that he will not discuss his relationship with his wife with you indicates either he is not being honest about his feelings towards you or there are further complications in his current situation.
As another answer so rightly said, you chose to get involved with a married man, this is what happens. Leave him. If he has not left his wife in the two years you have been together who says he ever will? You are being played as a fool, find someone who isn't married, who is totally committed to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): I think he's had long enough and although children are involved he needs to step up a gear if your relationship is going anywhere. Tell him what you want to happen next and by when. Start expanding your social circle and meet new friends, including male friends if possible - by dropping this into conversation and being a little less 'available' 24/7 you may prick his conscience and even a little jealousy which could be enough to wonder if he doesn't get on with it he will lose you. No need to threaten or pressure but you do need to demonstrate that you have a life too - and a future. Does he want to be in it??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Yes, you let him continue this until you have had enough of it. It sounds like he has not made his mind up yet and you are on hold - where to be honest you should be, getting involved in the first place.
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A
male
reader, Owlian  +, writes (21 November 2007):
You need to tell him that you how feel about the relationship and tell him to choose between his lover or his wife.If he does not agree to choose leave him and forget him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): All I can say is that you made a CONSCIOUS choice to get involved with a man who was already involved with someone and had a family. I don't care how unhappy he claimed to be or how much he claimed he loved you, he was still involved with his wife, so he has got a lot of baggage he is dealing with. Now you are suffering from the repurcussions and insecurities that women who do this kind of thing often suffer when they get involved with married men.
You knew he was married, but that didn't seem to bother you then or stop you from being with him. You should have known then what you were getting yourself into. Do you think it is pure coincidence that most people in the world stay away from people already involved in relationships?? Cause its not. They do so for moral reasons and to avoid this kind of drama. You knew he was married so this is something you are just going to have to deal with.
Obviously he doesn't want to hurt his family anymore than he already has to and he is sensitive to their feelings. He loves his family. Maybe it would be too hard on the kids if he were to get a divorce.
And I am going to say one more thing. You are being very selfish. Not only because you moved in on this woman's husband but also because you are expecting too much here without any concern for how this might affect other people, including him and his family. Don't you think his kids will be devastated when they find out about you?? Yeah I know you don't care, but he cares very much about how his kids feel. And if you don't start being more understanding and realise how awkward a postion you are in and that you need to be understanding, then you might turn him off and lose him.
If you did't want to feel like the other woman or want to have to deal with wives and all this baggage, then you shouldn't have dated a married man. Its as simple as that.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 November 2007):
 It would be disrespectful for him to talk about his relationship (good or bad) with his wife and the process he is going through for his divorce/separation. You need to understand this and give him his space, even if this means a reconcilliation with his wife. The right thing to do would be to stop the affair and let him sort out his feelings and what he wants to do. The affair is only prolonging what he will do. Give him this space and see what he does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Don't want to burst your bubble dear but he easily lied to his wife for 2 yrs same as you so he can easily do it to you. same old saying "what goes round comes around" and now its begining to sink in. You will wait till as long as it takes maybe forever so you will always be staying with a married man. Sorry to sounds harsh but read other post here, you seems to have won his heart! makes you wonder don't it.
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