A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is not about me, but about a relationship of someone who's close to me.Two friends of mine got together about a year ago. I'm always for letting people be, but this relationship is only working out for one of them, namely the guy. I care about him, but I'm aware he's hard to handle- he's a self centered person who's deeply involved in his seriously time consuming activities but also really insecure and in need of affection and reassurance. Enter my female friend, who got with him after a 7 year relationship failed. She's been doing really everything she can for him, showing him her care constantly, and receiving usually little in return. I see her going from moments of bliss when he deigns to pay attention to her, once a week or so, to moments of despair and self doubt, where she wonders why she feels constantly jealous of the time he spends elsewhere and of the women he spends it with. She's got to the point she asked a friend of his to keep an eye on him - but she won't confront him about this, going for small, seemingly joking remarks instead. I really feel as though he's with her because she gives him a lot and requires very little in return, which works for him, but doesn't for her. When she's not crying and wondering what's wrong with her, she tries to 'control the damage' by constantly calling him, texting him, dropping by at his place to see him just 'to check on him'. I think she thinks that if she shows him just how much she loves him, he'll change and do that as well- but that's a delusion. I've witnessed other relationships of his, I know the deal- everyone in his life will always come after him, his interests and his activities. Now, if she was okay with this, great, but she's not and she's deluding herself into thinking he'll change into this ideal image she's made up in her mind. (and to add to this, he jokingly badmouths her with other people when she's not there, once even saying she should be thanking him for the fact someone's doing her.)Normally I wouldn't want any part in any of this, but this has been going on for a year now and I'm really starting to feel as though I can't just witness her letting him destroy her, but I fear she just won't listen to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Thank you all for the replies, I appreciate it.This confirms my fear about how when we're 'in love'or whatever, other people's reasonable opinions -backed up by facts- go out of the window. I think I'll just have to wait until she realizes -or rather, finally admits to herself- that this thing is just not worth all this heartbreak that's causing her. Hopefully it won't take long, but I really don't foresee this going well for anyone involved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Sadly, she will realise this on her own. Infact she probably already knows it. I feel like i just read a story about my life. That was me and my now ex bf.
One day she will be with someone that deserves her. Just be there for her when she needs it..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): All you can do is let your friend know how you feel. Tell her once, tell her everything, and then stand back & shut up about it after that. Don't keep repeating yourself. She has to make her own mistake here and you can't change that.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Stay out of it, trust me, if you get involved it will be a lose-lose situation for you. Be there as her friend and a shoulder to cry on but stay out of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2011):
 she won't listen to you. sadly there is NOTHING you can say or do that will change her mind or her actions or behaviors.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 December 2011):
 The two important phrases in your submittal are these:
1. "...he's with her because she gives him a lot and requires very little in return, which works for him..."
2. "...and I'm really starting to feel as though I can't just witness her letting him destroy her, but I fear she just won't listen to me...."
The first tells us most-everything we need to know about this girl... And the second tells us that you aren't going to make any headway in your attempts to prevent the heartache that she's going to endure....
Stop worrying about her.... It's her life to live...
Good luck....
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