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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for two years, no kids. My husband Peter wants a baby, I dont, never will, have always told him that never though I would change my mind. We have virtually no sex now as he is always tired or not able to perform, this has been for over a year now, we have been living together for four years. This is no grounds to divorce I know and I love my husband but I am not "in love" with him anymore.Peter is the kindest person you could ever meet and suffers from depression. He needs reassurance daily tells me he cannot live without me, he has been like this since day one and we often talk about it. I have never given him a reason to doubt my love and always reassure him. We have talked about the lack of passion in out love life several times, he says that he will try but nothing changes, he puts it down to stress but has been so long and no changes made. We have become sexually uncompatible over the last couple of years, making love once a month is not enough for me as we are both still young. I have tried to spice it up with sexy lingerie but it only works sometimes. I enjoy dressing up but not everytime I need to feel desired.Over the last few months I have had feelings for John who is single, we have so much in common but nothing sexually has happened. I have been ignoring these feelings and keeping busy, hoping it is a crush and it will go away as I should stay with my husband and be grateful to have someone who loves me. Problem is it is not a crush, I think of John when I wake up, throughout the day and before I go to sleep hoping to at least dream with him. Cant wait to see him even if just as friends, just to talk to him for 2 minutes once a week.Why did this happen? My marriage was not ideal but I was happy enough to stay married to a loving husband.John says he likes me too but respects my decision of not taking this further as I am married. He has tried to kiss me but has not since put any pressure for me to make a decision. I feel that I should leave my husband Peter even if this other guy John will never have deeper feelings towards me. I think John only fancies me, does not realise that I feel a bit more than that. But how can I leave my husband? it would devasted him, he has suicidal thoughts sometimes on bad days. Also neither of us could split up and survive financially as we are in so much debt.I wish I could erase my feelings for another but I cannot, been four months and my feelings are getting stronger even if I do not see him. I do not deserve to be married.Please help me, I do not want to hurt my husband and I am going crazy, I wish I never met John. Having an affair is not an option for me and never will be.My husband suspects that something is wrong as I have been a bit distant but how can I tell him without breaking his heart Or shall I just try to forget John however long it takes and stay married?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): I really feel for you. Your marriage is not what you signed up for, and now you are looking outside the relationship to find what's missing. I don't know if i can really advise you; there's no easy way to solve this situation. I guess you have two options:
You can stay with Peter and try to work on the marriage with him. You both need counselling, individually and together, to see if you can make this a real marriage once again.
or:
You can tell Peter that you no longer want to be part of the marriage as you cannot even have your basic needs met within it.
Both of these options are difficult; i hope you choose the first one. The second option will always be there if you need it later. John isn't really the problem; he is only a symptom. It could have happened with any number of men. Don't beat yourself up about having feelings for him; you haven't acted on them and have nothing to reproach yourself for.
'Good luck' just doesn't seem to cover it. I hope you can find happiness whatever you decide.
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