| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi Feel really awful - I recently broke off after 3 months with a guy because he hadn't called for a week - we live 150 miles apart. I had been told by a female friend at the start of dating him that he had a bad reputation for chasing women, another male friend interpreted his later behaviour as being a 'player'. I assumed that he wasn't that into me and probably wanted to see others. He didn't argue - he's quite shy in expressing his feelings. Last night I had dinner with the female friend who said in fact she didn't know if he had a bad reputation, she'd been told this. Now I feel so bad that I didn't trust him. I find I really miss him. Should I try and get things going again on the phone to show him I care, or just wait til we meet at a party in a couple of weeks? Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Hi anon :)
Well, look at it this way - at least he knows how you feel about him - that you'd still like to get together. I can understand how you feel right now. Just try to relax about the situation. Maybe if you spend time doing other things and not focusing on him, it might give him time to think things over to figure out if he wants to be back with you or not, you know? If he does, then that's great! If he doesn't, then it's better that he's not leading you on, right?
Also, if you give him space, he probably won't think that you are all about marriage and babies. If you show him that you're not dependent on him (not that you are), then it will probably make him feel more comfortable and therefore take any "pressure" away.
It's great that you have a job interview on Thursday! Congratulations on that! Maybe justtry to focus on that - that's so exciting in itself, you know? Until then (and even after), I would concentrate on the positive things in your life. Do you have any friends you could go out with to have a mini-celebration about your job opportunity? That would be fun and it would probably take your mind off of this guy.
And don't feel like a fool for getting yourself in this situation. Like I said before, it takes TWO to make a relationship work, and you already said that he wasn't good at telling you his feelings. So what I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel like a fool if you're left to guess how this person feels about you! If he knows where you're coming from and how you feel, then he should have acknowledged that so you didn't keep trying to talk to him about this. I mean, how are you supposed to know that he understood your point when there's no communication on his end? I think it's great that you're willing to try and work things out, and if he doesn't see that - well, then is someone who doesn't want to talk about things really the person you want to be seeing anyway?
Listen, just give him time. See where things go. You have an exciting opportunity coming your way on Thursday - concentrate on that. And at least you see what sort of person he is from this - and how important it is to keep open communication in a relationship. You sound like a really dedicated and caring person - if this guy doesn't work out, then I would think you'd want someone who is more compatible with your personality anyway, if it turns out he's unwilling to talk to you about this.
You could also think about it this way - how are you going to feel about this in a year? You probably won't care much about it, right? You'll have moved on and probably have found someone else by this point if this guy doesn't work out. I'm just trying to put things in perspective. So what I mean is that you might feel bad about this situation right now, but if you look at the big picture, this is not a huge problem! :) Just take it one day at a time. Things will work out fine for you.
:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): This is worse than awful. I left a voicemail on Friday and he still hasn't called. Hardly slept last night. All that is going round in my head is how great it was to start with and how my pressure and neurosis have driven him away. All I wanted was for him to say he liked so spend time with me so I could relax and enjoy, and that was because of the negative noises I was being fed by others.
I took the fun away and all he could hear was 'marry me and have babies' noises.
I just feel terrible and I have to prepare for a job interview on Thursday.
I'm sorry to moan but I feel such a fool for getting in this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): Thanks again Stina
He told me those things during a conversation face to face last weekend after an unexpected meeting at another party. He followed me around most of the night and we eventually went back to mine.
The facts about the female friend not being sure about his reputation after all only came to light last night.
I note what you say about outside influences, I don't know why I let that happen. Totally screwed my behaviour.
I think he was more open to the idea of being with me than he says, I pushed him into a corner and probably wrecked it.
Would like to hear his voice this weekend though, so will try and be brave and call.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 December 2006):
Hello again Anon,
Well it sounds like you have already talked to him and gotten his perspective of things. While it may be him just being defensive, that's not to say that it's totally over. You mentioned that you guys might be at the same parties in the future. While you're there, you might want to try to talk to him and have fun. Maybe the two of you will click again. It's worth a shot, at least. And if it doesn't work out, then at least you know that you tried, you know?
Actually the same sort of thing happened to me a while back. I totally learned my lesson and realized that before I assume anything about my partner, it's best to talk about things first. It sounds like you learned your lesson just as I did. Remember - don't let anyone who is outside of your realtionship be the cause of your break up!
Take care. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): Thanks Stina
Very helpful reply. He has said he's not into a commitment at the moment - I wasn't asking for marriage obviously, but more of a declaration of his actual feelings, which he is incapable of doing, like so many men.
Since I broke off he has questioned whether we have enough interests in common. Is that defensive chat because of what happened, do you think?
He said he cares about me, feels we have a connection and is attracted to me but can't give me what I want.
I think maybe I just need to let him know I'm there but if he does want to move on, I'm not sure I have any rights to stop him. I'm so annoyed I listened to (probably jealous)others and let my insecurities take over!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): Stina gives you very good advice! I can do no better than to back her up on this one, and talk with him. Just make sure when you do you are calm, relaxed, friendly, no pressure, and don't "accuse" him of anything! That he didn't call for a week, I wouldn't worry about, or bring up. A week isn't very long, after all, and he may well have been busy.....not necessarily a sign that he was no longer interested, particularly if things were going well up to that point.
Best wishes to you!
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 December 2006):
Hi there,
I think that you should probably call this guy and tell him what's going on. I think you should tell him what's on your mind and let him know where you want things to go with him. I think that you should also talk to each other about being more open with communication, including how you two are feeling. If he was more communicative about his feelings toward you, you may have realized that he might not be a player afterall. And the same goes for you - if you tell him something that's bothering you, then you two might be able to work things out.
Like everyone says, communication is key to a relationship. It seems as though because you two did not have open communication, and just assumptions, that things didn't work out. Try calling him back - at least tell him why you broke up with him. He's probably wondering what the heck happened and what he did wrong, don't you think? And besides, if you wait to talk to him in a couple of weeks, what if he has moved on by then? And really, don't you think it might be a little awkward to discuss this sort of thing at a party? This seems like something that should be done in private - at least in my opinion.
So yes, I think it's a good idea to call him back and let him know that if you two are going to date again, there needs to be better communication between the two of you.
Hope things work out for you! Take care.
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