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I was wrong, I cheated and how do I turn things around?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2014)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, *ddysgl writes:

I cheated on my wife with another woman, she's 29, and now the thrill has worn off. She moans about bills and laundry, and once in anger said "Go back to your ex-wife". Well, I'm still legally married to her, but I quit the marriage for this other woman.

This other woman's a lookalike of a Hollywood star, wealthy, so it's obvious she didn't want me for my money as she had loads herself, she looks a bit like Brandi Glanville, and drives a top-end Chrysler 300.

My wife on the other hand, is a Mexican-American, looks like Selena Gomez 20 years older, and often wears cruddy sweatpants, a croptop and smokes a lot.

She doesn't even want to spend time with me, became obsessed with ebay, and it made me feel unwanted, the bills and things were worrying me, so I had the affair to cope with it.

It's not all as glamorous with this other woman as I'd thought; although she's loyal to me, her fb page states "GOT MY MAN. DON'T WANT OTHER GUYS", she wants sex every single night, is addicted to coconut and coconut cake, and drinks heavily - tea and coffee that is, and always spends loads on shopping - supermarket shops that is, buying loads of food and drink, we had to eat our way through 20 packets of nachos and salsa over a few weeks.

My son, who's in his early 20's, misses me, my wife wants me back, I got promoted and a payraise yet don't feel great at all.

I don't know which way to turn; my wife and son, the other woman?

At night I have nightmares about the other woman and my wife beating me up and yelling at me.

Astonishingly, my wife thinks I should come back, said i'm having a funny turn (is that a midlife crisis), says all is forgiven, she said she found the whole situation worrying but can't get herself too angry.

It's all my fault, I made this happen, but now I need to get out of it, what should I do?

I need help, yes, I was wrong, but how can I turn it around?

View related questions: affair, cheated on my wife, ex-wife, money, smokes

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 July 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI think Caring Guy puts it best.

YOU should be on your own. Divorce the wife, SET her free. And end it with your "mistress".

FOCUS on your SON. HE needs YOU. The two women don't.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2014):

oldbag agony auntYou should be single.

At the moment your just settling and because your wife wants you back you feel you have an escape from your new woman. You see your wife as just that, an escape route, nothing more.

Your not in love with either and are chasing rainbows, basing your women on shallow reasons. Looks fade, but the person underneath does not.

Move out, find your own place and learn to live alone till you are sure of what will make you happy. Up to now your far from it.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia + , writes (1 July 2014):

Caring Aunty A agony auntSelena Brunette vs. Brandi Blonde; 2 good looking women but both present problems… One has an eBay addiction which you financed and failed to put your foot down and she allowed herself to look dowdy; the other moans out of the bedroom but is independently wealthy etc. to support her own addictions which impresses you and gives you freedom to breathe from bills.

I see you like women with good looks, yet they each lack a certain luster in behaviour for your liking. It may appear there’s no pleasing you at this stage!? The grass isn’t always greener and you can’t always get what you want?

Yet Selena Brunette your wife can be constrained to curtail her spending etc with an ultimatum, out of the 2 she is the most willing to adjust and be forgiving.

The Ms. Brandi look alike with all her wealth is not going to bow down or curtail her habits, as she’s made her wealth and can spend it however she likes. To her the fun times do sound like there waning slightly, if issues of laundry are too much to tolerate!?

As it has been suggested; that you leave both these women, spend time alone and with your son… You could also make a go of it again with your wife as the better option of the two? If not, I do get an impression that you base your appeal to women on their looks which by all counts so far, especially with Ms. Brandi hasn’t been all that it’s cracked up to be.

At this time it may be best to avoid a third woman and reconnect with those who miss you…

Even though it seems you failed as you say, it appears there is something you have achieved and that is, you’ve been given forgiveness. So take the forgiveness and do your utmost to make good!?

Take Care – CAA

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A male reader, eddysgl United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2014):

eddysgl is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My wife's ebay addiction was what caused the problem; I wasn't repulsed by her, but her behavior. I suspect the ebay addiction is because her girlfriends were talking about what they bought off the site, and she wanted to keep up with the Joneses in that way.

She wouldn't talk about it, even when I tried my best to be patient, understanding, and listening, I tried to be a good husband, but it seems like I failed.

Now I'm in a no-win situation of my own making.

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A female reader, OuttaTime88 United States +, writes (30 June 2014):

OuttaTime88 agony auntI don't think you should try to work things out with your wife. The way you described your wife, it sounds like you not only don't find her nearly as attractive as this other woman you went out with, but you actually are a bit repulsed by her.

Neither woman sounds like a good fit for you. Although no relationship is going to be glamorous at all times. I think you should just be single for awhile until you figure out what you really want in a woman.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2014):

I'll be honest and say that I don't think you should be either either woman. At all. Clearly you weren't happy with your wife, and she wasn't really that happy with you otherwise you'd have been able to work it out before the affair. Even now, it doesn't appear that your wife is actually about to change, and perhaps just wants you back to give the impression that everything is okay.

At the same time, your new woman doesn't sound like she's the one either. Perhaps when you were having the affair it was fun, but now real life has set in and both of you can see each other for who you really are, rather than who you were when having the affair.

I think, given that you been given a pay rise at work and a promotion, you should just go it alone. Being single for a while will allow you to actually think clearly about what you want, and you won't have the wrong woman in your life distracting you. Don't just go back to your wife, don't just stay with this woman now. Get rid of both , be single and enjoy life.

Most importantly, have a sit down with your son and actually spend time with him. He's the biggest lose of all here rally, and maybe if he knew that the marriage wasn't working out (don't go into specifics), and that yous screwed up, he'd be more likely to accept that it's happened but that it's nothing personal. He sounds like he needs your attention, certainly more then either woman.

Be single, enjoy your new promotion and pay rise, spend time with your son and don't let a woman distract you. The, when you're ready, you'll meet someone who actually does suit you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

Please don't go back to your wife. She doesn't deserve the little that you have to offer her.

'My wife on the other hand, is a Mexican-American, looks like Selena Gomez 20 years older'

The fact that this comparison sounds acceptable to you shows that you don't really love your wife for the person that she is. It'll only be a matter of time until she looks like Selena Gomez but 21 years older and then you'll find another bimbo to excite you. Spare yourself and her that inconvenience.

Things don't look rosy with your new lover either.

That's because the problem is you.

You don't appreciate what you have. You'll forever be chasing happiness - watching other couples grow old together while you trade whoever happens to be your current trophy girlfried for the next.

I make no judgement and I hope you find it in you to appreciate and be happy with what you have been blessed with. Otherwise it's a miserable existence.

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