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Is my boyfriend interested in sex but just not with me?

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2014)
A female United States age 41-50, *enta writes:

I have been with my bf for almost 4 yr our sex hot and heavy in the beginning now its no where to be found the occasional cuddling, peck on the lips. Sex we don't talk about it, I have to ask for it and Im sick of that I am attractive and I feel like if I never asked then we would never have it. we have done it 3 times this year and I do all the work. It is painful to even think about, but here is our issue. He looks at porn on his own time, hides it. im actually very open person have suggested to watch together, never do. He is 45 I am 39 and he having issues and has to take pills for sex and we have had issues with him reaching out to old FWB for sex, we broke up some times passed gave him another chance and sexless I am again this weekend he went out with friends got drunk stay at his house because he had a lot to drink and did not want to drive to me so come to find out I looked in his cell he had called a fwb and ask her to come over his place and she declined his offer because it was 3 am so it is true he is interested in sex just not with me??? I am pissed he went behind my back and contacted someone and he never comes to me.

If its like this now its not getting better. Advice? Why not have sex with your gf? I was married for 17 yrs before and my husband always had sex with me and so this is odd to me. Why would a man stay and not be interested in sex?

View related questions: broke up, drunk, porn

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 July 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI would call him on it. You say you never talk about sex, why not? And... isn't it about time?

I think Uncle WiseOwlE might right that he wants the "domesticity" of a partner but not necessarily the constant effort in keeping YOU happy.

The fact that he was ready to cheat on you, you are OK with that? You seem more upset that HE didn't ASK you for the sex. Instead of being upset that he was quite OK with cheating on you. Had she said yes, don't you think he would have JUMPED on that?

So you have taken him back, but NOTHING changed.

YOU know where you stand and what he can give and what he can't be BOTHERED to give.

EVEN if he can't get it up (without the Viagra) he can still PLEASE you and he can still ENJOY sex. He CHOOSES not to. Whether it's down to his pride being hurt because he feels LESS manly and he downplays it or he just don't really care that much for sex anymore.

TALK to him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

Perhaps he was sexually abused.

This is uncommon for a man, but it happens.

You can find more information by searching on this topic.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

Most guys his age stay with a woman; because they diligently search to find classy responsible intelligent caretaker girlfriends. The well-heeled type, who'll pay half the bills, cook, clean, and basically make good roommates. They're live-in companions, that keep his house clean and in order, so he doesn't have to do it himself.

You keep-up his good-image.

He probably stopped having sex with you; because your vagina became too familiar. He was obviously having an affair with his ex, and you may not want to do the weird kinky disgusting things he likes. Sometimes guys find their wives or girlfriends too wholesome and decent; and don't want to envision them doing certain sexual acts. They place them up on a pedestal, and want them to stay pristine and untarnished. Angelic. It's not a turn-on seeing them act cheap and trampy; because he feels it is be beneath you. It would not have the same effect, as someone he has less respect for. Maybe not so, when it comes to his ex.

I suspect that he may have committed to you under pressure, or was in dire need of a female for domestic reasons. He likes a clean and orderly home, with a pretty female to add the special touches and liven things up. You're probably lovely arm-candy. You clean-up nicely and you look ravishing when you dress-up. He's got it all!

He may have never fallen in-love with you; but may love you very much. He may also be smitten with you, but he's a low down cheating dirty dog; but you treat him well in spite of it.

People avoid breakups, and figure as long as everything else is good, barring one particular issue. Why rock the boat? If you're a drama-queen, he just couldn't bear the agony of a performance, if he dumps you. Especially if you're a psychopath waiting to happen; if he pushes the wrong buttons.

Essentially, he stays because you haven't kicked him out.

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A female reader, tiakef Jamaica +, writes (30 June 2014):

tiakef agony aunt1. ok u need to state if in the beginning wen sex was hot n heavy if he had problems wit sex n needed the pills. if he didn't need the pills in the beginning of the relationship then that means he probably feels embarassed that he needs them now. And seeing how u expressed yourself, you are a high sex drived woman.

2. The porn issue: almost every man looks at porn. its like free sex, they escape into their own little worlds. Him not wanting u to watch it with him may imply that its because the porn wont judge his ability to perform in sex. Its just there doing it, letting him watch.

3. fwb: mmm maybe the fwb has tricks up her sleeve to get him to perform. there rlly is no sane man out there willing to pass up free sex unless he rlly not into the woman, he is a good guy that dont want to take advantage of the female... etc. in ur case she is a threat, i cn understand that.

YOUR BEST BET: right now is to talk to him about everything without sounding accusatory, sit him down n ask him whats going on, is he uncomfortable, how to make it better, oblige him wit a secret fantasy. go sumwhere nice n reignite the sexual spark or spontaneously oh i don't know say go shopping for a form fitting dress, makeup, hair, cook his favorite meal then give him a sponge bath. then later change in something really sexy while giving him suggestive hints of what you want too happen without putting pressure on him. do what he likes sexually ya kno. make it so ur so tempting he cnt pass u up

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A female reader, OuttaTime88 United States +, writes (30 June 2014):

OuttaTime88 agony auntWhy would someone stay in a relationship without wanting sex? Fear of being alone, security, you are easy to get along with, there could be a number of reasons. It's possible the reason he doesn't want sex is because he's not practicing moderation with the porn. The fwb text could have been due to his being drunk. Not saying it's an excuse, but the alcohol may have influenced him to make a poor choice.

I wouldn't waste anymore time trying to figure him out. Someone who lies, makes you feel undesired, and attempts to cheat (him) is not relationship material.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 June 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntWhat a strange situation...I've never heard of a guy passing up sex. You may have an inigma on your hands. Perhaps a break-up is in order.

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