A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts!My wife and I have been together for 27 years (no kids) but things haven't been good for most of them. I am at the point where I don't necessarily want a divorce, but I want to get away from her think things through. She would probably agree to that as well. I think a separation could give us perspective because we have gotten too comfortable in our routines and we take each other for granted. I would certainly like time to be on my own to think before destroying the relationship forever.If I was financially able to I would move out of our home and rent my own place for a while to sort things out. However, my wife doesn't work and I really can't afford to do that and pay all of the household expenses as well. I don't really have any friends or relatives who would take me in so I feel trapped coming home every day to a home and a wife I wish I could escape for a little while.Any other ideas about what can I do? The environment at home is toxic and I don't think either of us can think clearly and strategically when we are forced to deal with the tactical issues of day to day living.
View related questions:
divorce, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2020): You need to talk to your wife.
You say that she too would be open to this idea.
Maybe she is staying with you because she has no money, since she doesn't work.
But this doesn't mean that she will give you a divorce easily since you are her source of income.
I come from a poor country. I used to know so many couples who would have divorced had they only had the money. Some of them created an incredibly toxic environment by not being open about things. Some have separated, even divorced while continuing to share the same apartment (I know how bad this sounds).
Not having money is tough and makes everything worse.
You two have created a knot that needs to be untied or cut.
Before speaking to her, I would do everything I can to understand what my options are: consult a lawyer and see how much I would have to pay her when separated/divorced; see how much couples therapy costs...
But then, you need to speak to her.
The problem is that she is completely financially dependent on you. Why is that? Is she ill or disabled?
Maybe that is also contributing to your dissatisfaction since your are the only one responsible for both of you.
Maybe you should talk with her about finding a job.
She would feel better too if she knew that she's also responsible for your own well-being.
When we marry, and I suppose you married when you were in your twenties, we are so full of potential, our partners as well. And then life happens. Maybe you had another idea about what your life will be when you reached 40? Maybe she gave you another image of herself? Who knows...
I'd weigh my options and talk to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): So what you're saying is, you want to divorce, but you can't afford one? You're sick of being married?
You're evading the issue, and dodging judgement and criticism. You can be honest here, my friend.
Explain how your marriage is toxic; and what makes you want to leave, but not leave your wife.
Running away from your problems isn't how you solve them. Getting away from her; so you will find yourself seeking other female-companionship is more likely what will happen.
Because she has no income, it is likely she would get half your assets and alimony...so it's cheaper to keep her.
Do you really want to sort it out, or do you really want a divorce?
How about some backstory, and you'll get much better advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 February 2020):
 If you think she feels the same how about having a conversation about it?
You can look into hostels, YMCA and take some time for yourself.
I would just make sure SHE know where you are and how to reach you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): If you don't have a friend to stay with, does your wife? Maybe she can move out for a little while and you could give her an affordable allowance to live on while you are separated?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (10 February 2020):
 I think this problem may be far more common than you might imagine. I believe this is why many people stay married even though they are unhappy. Can you afford to even get away for just a weekend? Just one of you go to a cheap hotel? There is no family you could just go visit for a few days? Sometimes just a little time away can clear your head. When I left my ex husband I actually went and stayed with his mom. She was always so kind to me and knew her son was not being kind (he was an alcoholic). After just a weekend away I knew I wanted to get a divorce. My mind was so much more peaceful after being away from my husband.
I would seek out legal advice and I'd also tell your wife that she'd better start dusting off her resume and getting her act together if you think divorce is looming around the corner! Sorry she may not like it but she can't expect you to pay for everything.
I know many people don't advocate divorce but after living through years of being with an alcoholic, I tell everyone the same thing "Life is short, too short to be miserable. If you aren't happy....get out". If your marriage has become toxic why stay? I watched my parents spend 50 plus years together and they couldn't stand one another. I didn't want that life for me so I got out. I advise anyone to do the same. Life is hard enough without being miserable when you can't even come home and be happy. Good luck sweetie...do what you have to do to find happiness. As you said, maybe your wife feels the same way and just doesn't know how to say something.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 February 2020):
 Find a free or cheap lawyer as your first step, and find out what your legal responsibilities will be if you DO divorce or legally separate.
Also consider counselling, there is a chance, slim though as you both have left the situation sit and fester for so long, there is a chance you may be able to get the marriage back on track.
Ask Mr Google if there are hostels or cheap hotels where you could book in for a week to try and clear your head.
...............................
|
