A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why do I feel so guilty about wanting out of this toxic relationship? It's killing me inside, almost daily to think that it's finally coming to an end.Backstory 7 years, 4 kids. My daughter from a previous relationship (8) his 2 from a previous relationship (8 and 9) and our shared son (3).Between the mental, emotional and financial abuse. I should be RUNNING but instead I'm sitting here sad. I'm confused as to why. He's a narcissist (can never do wrong, if he did it's because I made him do it) Gaslighted me (made me think I was crazy for everything.) Held everything against me. He cheated, he found a way to make me guilty as well. Told a good child hood friend that he should go as a character to comic con simply because every time i saw this character I thought about him. He really looks and acts like this character but me thinking about another man means I had an emotional affair. He kept the screenshots of our conversation and uses then against me today. Almost 4 years later.Allowed his mom to throw in my face his ex, my kids bio mom every chance she got. When I brought it up I was being too soft. Unfortunately his ex lost custody of our kids due to drug abuse. His mom/kids grandma in front of me let my kids know that I wasn't their "real" mom. I never tried to replace her, I fell in love with them and my daughter being about their age. They came to see me as their mother figure. His mom doesn't like any of her sons partners. She has physically instigated a fight with one of them. She instigates every chance she has.He lies, cheats and manipulates everything all of the time. I've come to the point of being numb. Sitting here wondering if 16 more years is worth it as my kids will be grown and out of the house or just saying good bye to what I've known as my family for the past 7 years. I have a good job, good pay. I'm on my way to having my own vehicle soon enough. I found an apartment that is in my price range including all bills. I've thought to let him keep EVERYTHING we own. Finding a way to coparent with our son. Still being able to see my other kids as well. Just cutting our ties altogether and living separately.I'm all over the place I know and I apologize. Please any advice.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 February 2020):
 Get your ducks in a row. Quite simply.
Make sure ALL your IMPORTANT papers are somewhere safe, that is YOUR 2 kids' birth certificates, your own, passports, tax papers - ANY of that. If you can put them in fireproof lock box at a family member or friend's house.
When he isn't home pack up some of the smaller things that are IMPORTANT to your kids and yourself. Again, place them with a family member/ friend.
If you are on any of the utility bills transfer then OVER to his name. ASAP.
If you share bank info, GET a new bank account and have your salary go there. Take your name of SHARED bank account info. Which means if you are financing the new car, make sure they get the NEW bank details ASAP.
Once you are READY and ABLE to move out, consider getting a new phone. Especially if you share a phone plan.
FIND a lawyer. Your BF is not right in the head and neither is his mother. You will probably NOT get a "clean" get away. He might not LET you see HIS kids after and he might make things REALLY unpleasant with sharing your youngest. So TALK to a lawyer about visitations. You also need to consider (or ask the lawyer) if you are considered Common Law, as there can be other legal things you need to consider. Also you NEED to make SURE how the best way to leave. LEGALLY. So he can't claim you "kidnapped" your shared child.
YOU got to dot your I's and cross your T's LEGALLY. Be smarter than him.
You know you need to get out. Not just for you and your sanity's sake but for your kids.
You CAN do this.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (10 February 2020):
 Oh sweetheart, you already KNOW what you have to do, painful as it is. In your head you have already moved on (worked out where you can afford, etc). It's just your heart which is still keeping you there because of your love for your children.
You need to flip this on it's side and ask yourself what would happen if you WERE to stay. How long before your mental health gave out? You are obviously a strong woman but everyone has their limits and, at some point, your partner would succeed in pushing you to a point where you could not hold out any longer.
You also need to ask yourself what sort of an example you are giving your children by tolerating such treatment from their father. It sends out the message that this is OK when you know it is not.
It is not going to be easy. There will be day, probably MANY days, when you question whether you did the right thing and wonder about going back. You KNOW you have to do this to protect yourself AND your children.
I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): A narcissist has a scorched-earth/hold no prisoners policy! They don't compromise, they aim to destroy. Don't even get it in your head that you can compromise or negotiate with this man without an attorney. You have to protect your kids, your rights, property, and your assets! If you stay, he will crush you anyway! Systematically, little by little, he erodes your sanity!
You're not just getting out of a toxic-relationship for yourself; you're also doing it for all the children. If he is determined by law to be an unfit-father, he could lose custody! The children are unfortunate-witnesses to his abuse and aggression. You can't yield to the thought of losing his other kids; he will use it to manipulate you! He will fight dirty! So lawyer-up!!!
As long as you're together, the children have to witness the exchanges and volatile-relationship between you, your husband, and his mother...I assume you're married. You don't call your relationship your marriage, you don't call his mother your mother-in-law; and you never referred to him once as your husband.
Even if you're his kid's stepmother through marriage; you're more than just a "mother-figure." I beg to differ with you; married or not, you took her place when she chose drugs over her own children! If you've loved and raised them as your own; you have every right to feel you are their mother. Seems his toxic-mother gave birth to the devil's spawn; and that apple apparently didn't fall far from that bitter tree!
The hardest decision to have to make is to save yourself and your children; and losing the others in the process. It hurts the older-kids who can understand, and are witnessing all this drama and conflict. What good are you to your biological-children, or yourself, if you end-up as emotionally-trashed and incapacitated as his ex? Drugs and self-medicating were probably her only refuge and escape! Not making any excuses for her, but maybe he got to her too! She still deserves sympathy!
Do you really have any choice, but to get out of that mess?
You have to overcome your fear of the unknown. Hope for the best, and prepare for the worse! You may also have to come to the realization that co-parenting will be a complete challenge. If he treats you as he does now; expect things to get worse when you leave him!
Survival and self-preservation comes first! As a mother, you know the children can't endure the environment you're living in. Case in point, just look at the distress and the distraught state of mind you're in! He may not be physically-abusive; but he seems to be a wiz at psychological-abuse and manipulation!
You have to get a lawyer involved in this process. Don't give-up any assets you don't have to!!!
Let a good lawyer work this out. There has to be a buffer between you! If you're not married; then things get tricky regarding child-custody and visitation. Of course, you'll only get to see his kids; if he and his mother don't use them as pawns. If you're married, that can all be worked-out through family court. Judges act in the best interest of the children. His kids will likely act-out and show emotional-distress; so he can't afford to appear too caustic before a judge. He'll want to gain the judge's favor regarding visitation-rights; and where his biological-kids might end-up! That's not looking too good for him; considering the past, and what happened to their mother!
This is why I warn women about trying to have a "faux-marriage;" anticipating that these unforeseen complicated situations could arise. Perpetual-forever-girlfriend's have little to no legal-rights! Wives do!!!
He's allegedly mentally-unstable, and given to psychological-cruelty; that you'll never be able to withstand, nor have any control over. You may miss the other kids; and you may have to ask the court to apply special restrictions on his access to your youngest. If necessary, so be it! Cruelty lead to all this, and you can't change him; but you can change your situation, and the environment where you raise your children. You will not be able to just work this out on your own, it will require a strenuous legal-process. There is no-way getting around that!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): OP, you are in fact a trauma victim. You need mental health counseling. Not because you are crazy but rather because he is trying to drive you mad! Of course, based on what you wrote, your husband is a true mental case, and it sounds as though he inherited at least part of it from his mother! I am not a mental health professional, so I might be way off, but Stocholm Syndrome comes to mind, for me. In Stocholm Syndrome, the patient who has been held hostage, is so mentally traumatized that due to fear, abuse, and a feeling of impending doom, the patient begins to identify, with the hostage taker, with the hopes of by kind of being on his side, the patient holds out hope of escaping punishment, pain, further trauma, and even death, as the end results. I hope Wise Owl answers your post! He can shed more and better light here, than I am able. The fact that you seek to do right, by your kids also makes you loathe, to just leave. I shall pray for you and your kids OP! GOD Bless you and them!
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