A
female
age
41-50,
*cmomof2
writes:My husband and I have been together for 17years and married for almost 12. We are fairly young to have a relationship that has gone on for this long...I am 32 and he is 34. It was great in the beginning, however over the years we hardly touch, talk or spend time together. He volunteers at a local fire department and works full time. I work and stay home with our two children. I have tried repeatly to even " schedule" time together for couple time and family activities and it seems like he always has an excuse as to why he can't participate. A majority of the time I end up cancelling the plans or doing them without him so our children can still get to do them. I can't even give him an affectionate hug anymore without him behaving like it is an inconvience. I have thought of leaving several times over the years but I am afraid my decision to make myself happy and try to find someone who can show affection as much as I want to show will negativly affect my two childrens lives...please help..what should I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): 1) None of the people with divorced parents turned out fine but they will tell you they did because they believe it.
2) The problem with the relationship is that he's not the man of the house, you are.
Here's what you need to do:
ask him to do small things and thank him for it: ask him, "Can I get you something to drink?" then get it for him with a smile. Later that day, ask him for a glass of water when it's easy for him. Thank him with a smile when he does it.
Once you reinforce that he does things correctly, get him to plan an outing with the kids and you. Be positive and say you're happy with that outing, don't suggest, and don't criticize until he has confidence.
Make him part of the plans, get a calendar, make sure he knows what he's signing up for. Then if he can't make it, let him know you're not leaving without him.
These things give a man purpose and make him feel needed. Right now he feels needed through volunteering. You handle everything well so he doesn't feel needed at home. He must feel needed at home. He must feel that you need him. If he does you'll get your loving husband back. If you divorce him you will be sad, your chance of success with the next relationship is 25%. And the new father may not care for your children as he does. The new father may be abusive to them. So try to fix it, if you're sure you can't then quit.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 I am sorry that you are going through this. I know the decision you are facing is extremely hard and challenging.
Will you children be happy with your decision? Probably not. Divorce affects children in many different ways. Some kids are more upset about it then others. I suppose if there is a lot of arguing, violence or abuse (physical or chemical) then divorce is probably a better solution than sticking around. You don't mention how old they are, but generally the younger they are, the more profound the impact. Whether this affects them later in life remains to be seen...
There is obviously something going on with your husband. The fact that he isn't reacting to your needs and affections indicates to me he is emotionally checked out too. He could be cheating, harbors strong resentment or bitterness, or perhaps he is depressed. Men often times try to escape the household when they don't feel appreciated or are too stressed out with their home life.
Before you quit on yourself and your relationship I would encourage you to do the following:
1) Seek professional help -- either for yourself or as a couple. Having a professional to talk to will help you uncover what is really going on and give you perspective on what can be done -- and what you should do.
2) Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. As a couple, you should read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by the same author. They can turn your relationship around if you practice the principles.
3) Have a heart to heart with him. If you lack the courage to talk to him, write a simple, heartfelt letter and leave it someplace where he can read it. Tell him the pain and loneliness you feel. Make him meet you half way in salvaging what you have. Also work together to bridge the distance and restore the intimacy you once had.
None of these tasks will be easy, but for your own conscious you should do whatever it takes so that IF you do leave, you'll know you have tried everything to make it work.
Regret and guilt is a bitter pill to swallow... especially when children are involved.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 trust me on this OP, the kids will be happy if mommy is happy....
if you have told him how you feel and he's not willing to listen then you need to tell him if he is not willing to try to fix this then you want a divorce. Sadly you may get the response i got from my first husband... "good now I don't have to ask you" wow... it's been with me forever....
if you want to fix it with him ask him to go to counseling... if he won't go, well go yourself to shore up your emotions and contact an attorney.
sounds like it can be an amicable divorce and that's always good for the kids.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Tell your husband how bad this is for you. You have to give him the opportunity to understand how unhappy you are, and equally for him to open up about why he wont spend time with you and whether he wants to try and save this marriage. Have you ever spoken about this before?
What about marriage counselling, is that something you would consider? It sounds like there is a major lack of communication going on and you simply dont spend any time together, so getting the pair of you in a room at the same time without the kids, where someone can help you with communicating sounds like a very good idea to me.
In terms of leaving the marriage and affecting the kids - unfortunately you cant avoid this I'm afraid, when parents divorce the children are going to be hurt and it wont be a good experience. However there are millions of people out there who come from homes where their parents split up, and most come out of it ok. There are things you can do to minimise the pain for the kids - making sure the split is amicable, that they still get to see dad regularly, there is no fighting over who keeps what, who gets to see who and when etc. If you could remain friends, and perhaps even do things as a family once in a while then the effects on the kids are going to be much less than if you broke up, hated each other, argued all the time and had to go through the courts to settle your divorce.
So while you are going to have to accept that there will be some negative effects on the kids, its not going to be so detrimental that they turn out to be murderers or manic depressives, unless you end up having a bitter and nasty divorce. It will be worse for the kids in the long run for mum to be unhappy, your relationship with your husband will only get worse so there will be more arguments, you will be lonely and resentful towards him, the environment will be a very negative one so that is no way to bring up kids either.
You need to speak to your husband, tell him you are on the verge of leaving and see if that will wake him up. Suggest marriage counselling and get some help. If none of that works well at least you tried everything and you can walk away with your head held high knowing you did your best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Marriage counselling OP. I don't think any of us here can give you a magic pill.
there have to be reasons he avoids things like this, reasons that this has become a routine. I think your best option would be to go to couples counselling and see if you can flesh this out and fix it.
Do the very best you can with counselling and see how it goes. You'll be in far better place to make any kind of life altering decisions then OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Have you tried talking to him to ask why he is like the way he is towards you? If you can't bring your self to ask then maybe write a letter asking why?
I did this once to my partner when we first got together and did wonders for us.
If you have asked and still he is making excuses or just doesn't give you a proper answer them maybe it is time to make a decision. Take a brake to think about what you both want or leave him.
And if you decide to leave him them that dose not make you wrong. I'm sure to start with it would be hard for the children depending of there age but in the long run you have to think of your self and your happiness. Being in a family unit with and mother and a father is not always the best thing.
Your so young. Cant you be with a man for the next 30-40 years that you cant even hug?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Hey there, my parents actually separated and I turned out just fine... but I do wish they had given it just one more chance... even if it meant possibly getting marriage counselling. I think your children will be happiest in a happy environment, and if neither of you are happy this might affect your children's view on relationshipsbin the future, and they will also begin to notice the negative energy. Have you spoken to your partner about this? If you talk to him and tell him how you feel, he might work harder towards your relationship with one another. You could even organise a romantic night, just the two of you (and get a baby sitter,) he might appreciate the offer. If you're just not happy and you're not willing to get marriage counselling, the best thing you can do is talk to your partner about breaking up.. and how you feel if would affect the children. Then sit down as a family and ask how your children feel about this. As a child I was heart broken that my dad had to move out, but I adjusted to it very quickly and after a few months, I was totally fine. I know I would have preferred that over living in a house with two parents that couldn't stand each other.I woulf try to give your marriage just one more shot, but if the love has truly gone and you two just can't have a relationship, it might be better to move out now - you are still young and have a lot to look forward to, don't waste your life on something that just isn't working because you never know what's around the corner, you might find someone really special. Also, as long as you are a good mum (which you are,) I'm sure your children will come to terms with it - they just need love and support from both parents, amd a happy family atmosphere.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (7 March 2013):
 You need to pour your heart out to your husband and tell him everything. He needs to understand exactly where you're at so he realises he needs to wake up and do something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): you have to express to him everything you wrote here, he will understand. I went through same thing, however even tho my wife 'told me these things by word of mouth', it hit me more when i read it on a forum... it will open his eyes. goodluck
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