A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently started seeing my ex-boyfriend again. It has been a good few years since we were together AND I want to give him a second chance. The problem is he puts his job AND his hobby before me. I understand about the job, it's highly demanding AND I'm extremely busy with my own career but it's the hobby that annoys me because he did the same the last time we were together. His hobby is also highly demanding AND is a voluntary job, it's very important to him I know but it's an obsession almost. All of his ex's are involved with it too which doesn't bother me in one way but makes me feel inadequate almost? When he's actively involved with it I barely hear from him. Maybe a text or two. I see him once a week if even AND this is fine with me because I'm busy but he'd never miss a day involved with it to see me even when it's not obligatory. He brings everyone involved before me too.I never actually said before or now that it bothered me but I feel a little let down (with myself too) that he's still putting it before me. I'm not clingy because I'm too busy for that but I'm conscious that the rate we're going it's going to fall apart before it's really kicked off again...Any advice would be excellent!
View related questions:
his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 Hi
To be honest I dont see how a relationship where you only see each other once a week,because your BOTH so busy, can ever work or grow.
He has his commitments,you have yours,now I like spontanious I like a call to say 'do you wanna go for a picnic/cinema/sporting event/concert' I would hate to get a couple of texts and be fitted into someones schedule AFTER everything else.
I think you need to talk,not demand,he is how he is as you are. You know it didnt work last time so either you both compramise or both find someone who suits your lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): Personally I think the best you can hope for is that he may cut down on it a little but honestly I wouldn't hold your breath. That hobby has been an important and consistently good part of his life for a lot longer than you have, the choice for him would be exceptionally easy if you started making demands.
He's not putting anything "before" you OP, you're the new part of his life, this is his life and what he has to share, you're the one that thinks/thought he would suddenly change all that for you? Maybe you don't OP but then it's clear how this is going to go then isn't it?
I wouldn't if I were him, no offence. My life is the way it is, if you want to share that life then fine if you don't then walk away because I wouldn't tolerate anyone trying to dictate it, especially when we've only started dating, even if it is the second time.
To be honest OP I think you went into this thinking he had changed and even now are here asking us how you can change him and ask him to give up important parts of his life for you. You didn't ask that directly but the implication is there OP.
OP you're only starting to see him again and already you feel this way?
You have to ignore the fact he's an ex and think of this like a new guy you're dating because technically you are. What would do if he was a new guy? Simple, you'd realize this isn't going to go anywhere as he doesn't really seem to have room in his life for you and I'm pretty sure you'd feel it very unreasonable to expect a person to give up so much just to suit you.
As I said he may cut it back slightly but I wouldn't hold your breath. Breeding dogs is my most passionate hobby and it's very labour intensive as you can imagine. I can simply not have a relationship with a woman who ever tried to impose conditions on that or had a problem with them. My 5 terriers are part of the package, as a hobby they bring me more joy than any girlfriend ever has, even my current one who I love beyond words. When I didn't breed dogs I used to be obsessed with playing music and martial arts. Any time I ever gave those up or cut them back for a girl, it just made me unhappy.
The way I see it OP I never think it's a good idea to ever get with someone you think needs to be changed. You can tell him you'd like to spend more time with him perhaps but this whole idea of putting things before you is very unreasonable this soon into your second attempt, this is his life, this is what he loves to do, good luck winning that battle.
Then again I could be wrong and he may not actually like his hobby anymore and is only doing it as something to do and he may decide to dedicate more time to you. Talk to him and see if that is the case, if it's not then you either accept him as is or you can walk away and save yourself the trouble of breaking up again because your lives aren't compatible.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (7 October 2012):
 The only advice I can give to you is to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Explain to him that you understand that he feels strongly about this and that you admire that but say to him that you feel kind of left out and pushed to a side. If I am honest with you it sounds like he is quite busy and even if it is voluntary he still wants to be a part of it therefore you are either going to have to accept this or else try and come up with a compromise between the both of you.
...............................
|
