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I want a second child and my husband does not! It’s really becoming a problem for me! Advice?

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 September 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2018)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My husband and I are at a complete impasse. We have a 3yr old son who is amazing and I feel truly blessed to be his mommy, but I yearn for a 2nd baby! I have felt this way for over a year. And anytime I speak to my husband about it he is very certain he does not. This tears me apart. I have tried to move passed this on see the light and recognize how blessed I am to have both my hubby and son, but at the end of the day my heart aches. Lately, the feelings have become so strong I cry about it more times than I'd like to admit. What do I do? Do I just bury my feeling and keep on trucking? Do I try yet again to convince my husband to go for #2 (even though he is being so steadfast about not have another)? I just can't seem to make peace with the fact that it appears out little family will not grow (physically). I need, I want another baby. As I sit here typing this through the tears streaming down my face. I've tried to move passed it, but my sadness is beginning to turn to resentment towards my husband and my actions and reactions have been less than positive towards him. We bicker all the time, I'm not the happy "girl" I used to be. I am always jumping on him, I don't even feel like being physical with him in bed because of all this pain and resentment I have building inside. The want and need for another baby has completely taken over me. And I know bringing a baby into a negative situation is never a good idea, but the fact of the matter is the reason our relationship is so negative right now is due to the fact we cannot agree on another. And that i feel he is ripping that away from me! I love him with all my heart and he is an amazing man and father. I am so hurt i can't even think straight. Please help me! I don't want to lose my family or husband, but i can't just bury my feelings either.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2018):

If you have another child without his permission he will lose all faith and trust in you, will probably leave you and you will become a single mum. Not all babies are happy and content, you could find yourself with a difficult to raise child, would it be worth it then?

He doesn't want another child, so you have to ask yourself is he worth staying with, is this the make or break in the marriage? What then split and start over again, is it really that easy to do?

You have to respect his wishes, take all the great advice that has been given on here. Why not get a dog that will bring a new mix into he family, children and pets can make for great friends and happy memories growing up.

My daughter was an only child, me and her dad split when she was a baby, I knew I would never have another and I wanted two. Now I see that is how it was meant to be and I am pleased I only had her. I think you are focusing way too much on this and not seeing the bigger picture. Look at what you could lose and gain by having another baby that is not agreed on by both you and your husband.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2018):

Life is short. Appreciate what you have now. Make the best of what you have now. There are so many couples out there who cannot have a child or lose a child. See how blessed you really are. You are ruining a good thing.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSometimes we have to accept that we cannot have everything we want in life. You already have so much more than many: a husband and healthy beautiful child, both of whom you love. Despite this you feel devastated because you cannot have ANOTHER child.

There is a theory that, if you cannot be happy with what you already have, you will not be happy with more. While I can understand your desire and wish to have another child, you do not actually NEED another child.

What if your husband buckles and agrees to having another child? Are you going to replay the whole scenario when THAT child reaches the same age as your son is?

Has your husband explained why he does not want another child? If so, and if it is a valid reason, then you need to put yourself in your husband's shoes and realize that his desire NOT to have another child is just as strong as your desire to have one. A child deserves two loving parents who both equally love and want them but this is not the case in your marriage.

If your husband is adamant that he will not have another child, then you have an important decision to make: what is more important - your marriage or the possibility of finding another man who will have a child with you. If you go the latter route, you will deprive your son of his father, your husband of his son and there is no guarantee you will meet someone else who will be happy to father a child with you.

This whole situation is bound to be very disturbing to your child. For his sake, if nobody else's, you need to talk to your husband and, if necessary, seek professional help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2018):

You say the negativity is because you can't agree on another, but what you mean is its because he won't give in and give you what you want. What happens if he does and then you want a third? Will you start acting like a stroppy child again u told he gives in? You have a gorgeous boy and a good husband. Stob being a brat.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (17 September 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntImportant answers needed:

- did you agree on how many children before you got married?

- has he told you why he doesn't want another child?

- have you only wanted another child for a year?

- have you discussed it without crying?

Things you need to do:

- stop crying so much; I know it sounds harsh, but it's important that your son doesn't see it and that you have a rational approach to this

- seek therapy to deal with this

- decide if having another child is more important than being married to your husband

- accept that you crying and begging/nagging will put him off more, as will financial stress and the general challenges of raising a baby/toddler

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI am curious, is children something you both discussed before marriage? I see divorce happening a lot over things like this, when in reality it should have been discussed before marriage so that you are both on the same path in life.

I understand how you must be feeling, really I do. It is what you want, and your husband doesn't. You both have a toddler at the moment which is hard work and you are taking all your negativity out on your husband which is only going to confirm in his head all the more reason not to have any more children.

You both need to sit down some evening, open a bottle of wine and talk and listen. Explain how you feel and listen to why he doesn't want any more children.

The bottom line is, you cannot and should not try and force him to want the same as you. Unfortunately he doesn't want any more and that is his choice as a man. If you cannot come to an agreement then you have two options. You can go on living your life with your family and try and put the want for another baby out of your head and concentrate on what you have in life or else you can decide you really want another child and that may mean getting a divorce and looking for someone who wants the same thing as you. I wish you luck.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (17 September 2018):

YouWish agony auntUnfortunately, you have become a self-fulfilling prophecy who is absolutely affirming your husband's desire NOT to have a second child.

I'll explain - your first child is still a toddler, and he's still in the diaper/potty training phase. Also, you are in distress, so the stress level of your home is high, and he's attributing that to having children. He believes that a second child will make things even more stressful.

First of all, you need to back off some. You do not *need* another child. You *want* another one. Making both of your lives miserable is neither fair, nor will it help your case. I wonder in fact if this isn't a product of depression or even post-partum depression due to a hormonal imbalance. You need to stop talking to your husband about it and in turn talk to a professional.

Second of all, you need to get a grip for your SON'S sake! Every day you are miserable and crying, you are sending a message to your son that he is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You HAVE a child! He should light you up by just being around him! But instead of focusing on the gift you DO have, you're focused on what you don't.

If the environment and temperature of your emotional household were to change, your husband may see having a kid to be a blast to have and not something that could cause you to either demand a third child, or to blow up the marriage and family.

He may see you focusing on your first child and neglecting him. He could see children as expensive and high maintenance. You should show him that you can be both frugal, and that children are a source of joy and tranquility. AND, your avoiding intimacy LOWERS your chance of having another child, because that's the act that reproduces them! Instead, give your husband attention and show him that HE matters to you as much as children do. Moms can fall into that rut of pushing your husband into your emotional cobweb-infested cellar of your mind, so he sees children as a competition for your attention and affection.

You are just getting out of the most needy period in a young child...the baby/toddler phase. Give it 6 months. Change the emotional temperature of your household from stressful to joyful, and give him attention. Then he may in fact see another child not as an additional stress, but as a "come on in, the water's fantastic!" and relent.

See what I mean?? I know you're driven by your biological clock, but you do have time! In the meantime, talk professionally to a therapist to see if there's some undiagnosed depression or post-partum hormone imbalance, because if that is happening, a second child will not help, and deep down, even you are worried about bringing a second one into a "negative" situation. So that has to be addressed first.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 September 2018):

Post script:

You didn't mention your husband's age; which is often another factor why men don't want another child. He doesn't want to look like the child's grandfather, if he's much older than you! As you get closer to 40; older eggs have a greater risk of Down's syndrome. Depending on how scientifically-minded your husband is.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 September 2018):

The number of children you want is usually what people discuss before they get married. This kind of disagreement can kill a marriage.

Has your husband explained why he is so adamant about having only one child? Do you have financial issues? Did you recently make a major-purchase, like a house? Are you in debt, or did either of you start a new job? Maybe he just wants you to continue working full-time; and contribute to the household income.

The problem here is that he is being inflexible. Not even giving you the comfort of "lets wait and see." So you owe it to yourself to know his reasoning; not just take no, and that's final. He could be staring a divorce in the face; so he had better give a better argument than just "no!"

Somehow, I suspect you've known all along he only wanted one child; or may not have wanted children before you got married. That's not the sort of thing you decide you'll cross that bridge when you get to it. Your marriage could be riding on this. You're pretty sure you want another baby. He seems very uncompromising about it. You are most correct not to bring a baby into the situation as it is. Although, you would have the option of keeping the baby; and losing the husband. Which will also take the father away from the child you do have.

If he won't even discuss it; I'd insist on marriage-counseling. You're far too emotionally-distraught to let this go, and he's far too stubborn to agree. Your marriage is in trouble. If he will not compromise and remains hellbent on having it his way; then rather than building up resentment, you will have to weigh your options. Which is more important? Adding one more baby, while subtracting a husband? Or keeping the family in-tact?

It doesn't seem to bother him how distressed this makes you. So he must have a very serious reason, or reasons. I'd just assume it's for financial reasons. Unless you do have other serious marital-problems, and you're in-denial?

I'd also do some soul-searching; and reflect on why you need to have another baby so badly? Even if it's causing a rift in your marriage. You have to discuss kids before you get married. If this is his second-marriage, and he had kids before marrying you; it's very common that men don't want more kids with their second-marriage.

If you had fertility problems with your other child; he may not want to experience that stress and anxiety a second-time. He obviously has future-plans that don't include an addition to the family. Get counseling and work this out.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (17 September 2018):

janniepeg agony auntYour reason for having another baby could be emotional and maternal. Have you listened to your husband about why he doesn't want another one? Many families have more than 2 children, that's true, but as resources are getting more expensive, no one can predict how it would be in the future. It's better to secure an education for one child rather than struggle with two. There are also many cases of favoritism when one child gets more love and attention than the other. I know, this destroyed me when growing up. As much as people love the fuzzy feeling of having family members who can support each other, at the end of the day we only have so much energy left. I think you should look for the positive of just having the only child and appreciate what you have. There is a very good reason why in most developed countries, fertility rate is below 2. The quicker you can agree with your husband, the better your marriage would be.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think you two should have a conversation (and please hold back the tears, those won't help you).

Explain WHY you would like a second child and ASK him to explain why he doesn't.

If you two can not find a middle ground, then you really only have two options, keep your family AS is and work on moving past the broody stage you are in.

(which means perhaps talk to a therapist or priest/rabbi/pastor and figure out why you feel SO strongly about having a second child and how to deal with those feelings.)

Or

You might LOSE your family (as it is).

This is why you NEED to talk to him like a RATIONAL adult as to WHY you want a second one and HEAR him out about why he doesn't.

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