A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my husband very much, and I love my mom in law too, she's always there for us when we need her but she's also starting to annoy me. She doesn't seem to have boundaries. Btw, she is single.When she first started making me uncomfortable was a few months after our wedding. We went on our honeymoon and I posted photos of it on social media. She was constantly commenting on the photos and making seemingly backhanded comments. Like instead of a simple, "great photo" she would say, "why did you do this and not this?" In a few other photos she was questioning things or comparing them to other things rather than simply complimenting it. I never mentioned it to my husband though but she was irritating me. A few months later she got sick, everybody was under the assumption it was dire, we took off to go stay with her for a few weeks and help her out. It turns out she was fine, or at least seemed fine and was vague about her doctor visits. But during that time, living in close quarters with her, she was annoying. She constantly wanted to be near my husband. Always sitting next to him on the couch and I would sit alone. I feel like most parents would do the opposite. Very touchy with him, always tickling him or scratching his back or his head. She would constantly interrupt me whenever I tried to hold a conversation with my husband. Bring something else up to distract him and get his attention back onto her. One time he went into take a shower, it was obvious he was in the shower, and she nonchalantly walked into the bathroom and then turned around and was giggling and was like, "oops." This made me cringe. We had brought my husband and I's dog along and started to refer to it as "our" dog as if it was her dog too. I just found that weird. And using her illness to guilt trip my husband into getting her way and there's this understanding that when he is around her he is expected to spend 24 hours a day with her. A few weeks later, we had dinner at a family members house which she wanted my husband to cook for her (he is a very good cook). I found that in itself annoying because we both had been working all day and everybody would've preferred to go out to dinner, we were tired. But that's what she wanted. While he was cooking I asked a question about something he'd done in the kitchen and she suddenly confronted me and told me to pick my battles and questioning him in the kitchen should not be one of them. Then she turned to him and said, "well I think you are an amazing cook." The subtext being that apparently I don't but she does. I just feel like she is inserting herself in my marriage in ways she shouldn't. My husband thinks I am being too sensitive. Am I being sensitive? If not, what should I do?
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018): Sounds like the typical annoying, interfering MIL to me. I have one of those....just grit your teeth and bear it as much as possible. But I would insist your husband stand up for you more if the crticisms/ undercutting gets worse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2018): Hi everybody, I'm the op. Thank you very much for your advice. WiseOwle it really stuck out to me when you said, "she's annoying, but not toxic." So true. I just need to relax, I had been under a lot of stress and my senses were heightened.
Thank you for taking the time to read and being kind enough to reply and offer solace. Many thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 September 2018):
 I do think you are being over sensitive, you are taking everything she says badly and over thinking it. At the end off the day he is her son, she gave birth to him and raised him to be the man he is today. She recently had a health scare and she is probably scared and doesn't want to feel like she has lost her son.
I get how mother in laws can be irritating but I think you need to bite your tongue and allow them to spend time together. If you can't bare being around her for long periods of time then your husband should visit himself now and again, you don't always need to be there. As for the dog that is a harmless comment, my own mother always refers to mine and my husbands dogs as her dogs. It really is harmless and I think it is petty to be annoyed at that. Also I doubt she knew he was in the shower and went in on purpose what would she have to gain from that? I mean its her son not some other woman trying to steal him. I do think you over think everything and pick up on problems that aren't even there. You said something to your husband in the kitchen that she obviously thought was a criticism so she stood up for her son, again that is normal enough. There is really no need to be jealous off a mother and son relationship, it is often a strong bond and its lovely to see. Her sitting beside him really is a petty thing to get annoyed about. You say you love her and she has been good to you, so therefore try and remember that. Also just because she appeared okay does not mean that she was health wise, people are good at hiding things trust me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2018): She's alone, and that in itself explains it all. She has no companion. Aging-parents turn to their adult-children for comfort and support, when they're "single" or widowed.
You're not going to get your husband to turn on his own mother; and you have an age-old problem. Daughters-in-law usually clash with their MI-L's! Nothing new about it. Getting your husband to be mean to his mother is one battle you will not win.
You simply have have to suck-it-up and deal with it. She's annoying, but not toxic. If you plan to bring kids into the picture; she's likely to be your built-in sitter. So be nice to their future gram-ma! She's having fun with you. She knows she's annoying you!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 September 2018):
 She is at an age where she worries she would die alone, and that's a terrible thought. She wants to be part of something and to belong, to the extent of trying to steal your time from him. All that she said and did, was to try to get more time with her son, but she's doing it in an annoying way. Your son is not going to push her away, being sensitive to her needs.
You say you love her, maybe because in the past she was not annoying. This is going to test your love for her. The more you treat her like a mom, the less she would steal your husband away from you. You would just be a family unit. Her way of commenting your social media, making uninvited suggestions, is just her motherly language. To love your husband is to love his mom. You may look at the older generation as being the wiser and the more graceful. In reality, many are weak in secret and need our love and support.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 September 2018):
 I think you and your MIL are both trying to piss on your "shared territory" (aka your husband).
She doesn't like the fact that he is starting a "new" family with you and that she isn't his main priority any more. She isn't ready to let go. And your husband is a bit of a whimpy guy for allowing her to USE him as her little pawn in the "I'm better than HER" (you) game. I don't think he is really so oblivious that he doesn't notice.
However, I would suggest He spends time with her alone here and there, you DON'T need to BE there and "show" her that he is "yours" now. Just let them do a little mother/son things. Like occasional dinners and you can go see your folks, friends, family.
I also agree (a little bit) with your husband. You PRESUME that there was a "evil subtext" when she said "well I think you are an amazing cook."
I think that is YOU making up shit in your head to be mad about. Sorry.
I think that is just a mom being proud that her son can cook, and cook well. Nothing more.
I think when you DO go visit use the "kill her with kindness" strategy. Fake it if you have to.
Why?
Because she knows him better than you. She knows how to play him and she also seems to know how to punch your buttons to make YOU seem like the fruitcake.
She is your husband's mother. Learn to get along. And stop letting her play you so easily.
...............................
|
