A
female
age
26-29,
*untlyng
writes:So-- it has finally come to the point in my life where I must go to the Internet for advice. My situation is just too confusing for me to deal with-- and I just need some help.Here's the story as short as it can be put:My friend and I have been friends for 9 years--and been really good friends. Not so good as this year though. Out if the blue, he started to invite me over more-- and tied me up with his circle of guy friends. We became inseparable.During class he began to play with me-- just things to get my attention and distract me. He began to show what I would say was interest-- and stare at me, call my name, get close to me etc.I didn't want to act on things that weren't there-- so I pretended I didn't see them-- but bit by bit, it seemed like the signs were getting stronger. He started to invite me to touch his arms, or play with his hair, and let me get as close to him as possible. We crossed boundaries that were never crossed-- and he was the first person I let in my bubble and didn't jerk away from.Yet, at that time I was still confused (believing he couldn't like me because I'm overweight and not pretty) But I started to really think about him as someone that would actually be right-- who held all my values and could like me.And then others (classmates) began to catch on. They whispered, and eventually began teasing us about marriage-- to the point where my defense mechanism kicked in, and I bashed everyone around me-- and said it was impossible for us to get married because he couldn't-- or he was gay-- or something like that. I didn't mean to be hurtful, but I know I was-- and he was there... And involved... Though I told him I was sorry, and tried to ignore the teasing-- or the comments of people (asking "are you two going out?") it didn't seem to do much... But still-- we seemed to be getting closer and closer. It seemed like at times we were both in mutual understanding of where things were going-- and I tried as hard as I could to give him signs that I liked him. He shyly asked me to come over to his house alone, and pestered me about coming over to my house alone-- all of which happened.He talked to me about love, and marriage, and the future-- each time, shyly dropping his head and whispering like he did when he asked me to come over.Every sign pointed to things evolving-- but then it all came to this.A mutual friend of ours (his best friend) learned that I liked him. This best friend threatened to tell him if I didn't-- but I am not a coward in any way.I pulled him aside-- and alone told him that the rumors were true-- that I did feel something for him.He just stood there. He had this look (which haunts me) of no comprehension-- and I couldn't stand it-- and said "I'm sorry-- I didn't mean for this to happen-- I didn't want it to happen-- it just did. I don't want anything to change or get awkward-- but I had to tell you because I felt like I was lying if I didn't."He could only respond in a robotic voice (probably from shock...) and said "You can't control your feelings." "I understand".I said "I'm sorry-- I'll get over it-- don't worry." And as we were going back to our friends he said "If you ever need anyone to talk to-- you can talk to me."His voice and stare made me feel guiltier than I've ever felt before-- like I'd done something wrong-- and been a fool the whole time. It was like I wasn't worthy of any real response-- like he had given me a voice recording.He came up to me after school-- trying to act like normal-- but if he didn't notice the tear stains on my cheeks, and the redness of my eyes-- then he was an idiot.The next day I tried to act like normal-- but every time we held eye contact-- it felt different from before-- and he kept looking from side to side. He kept his back turned towards me-- and hardly spoke to me-- and I think even the bullies knew something was up. I felt shunned.After school, we sat together like we normally do-- but, there was a strange silence-- and he seemed like he didn't want to talk to me. I couldn't take it and said "please don't let things get awkward between us--I'm sorry-- I'll get over it-- I'll force myself to-- it was just either I tell you or someone else threatened to do so."Again-- his voice fell, and he fed me the same lines and said "No, it's fine. It's okay. We're all only human." He wouldn't look me in the eyes. When I asked him if he knew all along-- he said he didn't.And when he left he didn't even say goodbye.Though I'm heartbroken-- I'm more shocked and confused than anything, and fear I'll never be that close to him again.It's only been two days-- but there is a strangeness between us now-- and I feel so ashamed. I don't know when (or if) we'll be able to get over this-- and can't comprehend being so wrong-- when I watched things so closely, and didn't even begin acting until everything seemed right.So I want to know your opinions-- because now I'm forming ideas-- that though they are far-stretched could be possible.One theory I have is that he was an idiot-- and didn't realize he was giving signs and that I was sending them back (But the signs were obvious...) and just wants to be friends...Another is that after the whole bully incident he thought he was in the friendzone-- and extremely shocked by this sudden confession.Still yet another one is that he's afraid for some reason or another-- and just can't say anything because he either doesn't want to hurt me-- or confess to falling to primal instinct (as he calls it).And my last theory--a really far stretched one, is that maybe he was getting close to me, the only female friend he really has-- to tell me that he was gay. It would explain why he couldn't pick up on my signals... (But otherwise-- he didn't show those signs...so...)As far as I know, I am the first person he's ever been this close to-- and the first person that others say he showed interest in. It all seemed like very clear interest. Any other girl would have reacted to the signs months ago-- and I even waited to make sure....Another thing: The only time he's ever said he liked someone was during "spin the bottle" with all the guys-- And they forced a girl's name out of him-- but he said that she "graduated". (Making me think she was a cover-up to hide that he's gay in front of his friends)Now I feel really bad-- if he was going to tell me that, I just lost his trust... Now he'll think he has no one to turn to... It's really hard for me-- but I will do anything to salvage the bond we had before-- and accept him no matter what.If he's gay-- and couldn't tell his religious family-- I'm fine. All I want to do is know things now-- to help me get over it-- and to help him trust me again. After all the signs, the flirting, the cues, and all that-- I'm just confused and tired...so what should I do.Take in mind this is the first time I've ever felt this way (and what seemed like for him...)-- it has only been two days-- and we're both young (seniors in high school).Tell me how long to give him-- and if I should ever ask him if he is gay-- or what... I'm too confused to think...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, glittergal01 +, writes (20 January 2013):
I think he's gay, when gay boy trust you and are your bff's sometimes they can confuse you. If you know they are gay and they want to hold your hand you already know but since he has not come out yet that is why you fell for him. Yes I do feel bad for him but its not your fault. Try to reconnect. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, shandy88  +, writes (14 January 2013):
I know its very easy for somebody that's not invloved in the situation to sit back and say 'well, if it were me....' But after reading you're post I really feel strongly that there is only one thing to do. If I had a person who I trusted enough to let my guard down when I left it fully up for everbody else, and spent as much time with them as you say you have spent with him, the answer would be simple for me. I would say exactly what you have written down, be open and honest and just let him know how you feel. You trusted him for a reason, if he's as good of a person as you thought he was then he will listen and hopefully be as honest with you as you have been with him. Before you do that though I would take a minute to evaluate whether the relationship you think you had was infact as you say, I would hate for him to have been leading you on in a horrible guy joke. You are the one that knows him best, use that knowledge to guide you through. Good luck and I really would love to know how you get on. X
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 January 2013):
 His signals were confusing because he seemed to be saying the right things but they are not sincere.
He is gay but was pressured by family and friends to get married some day and he was you as a target. He felt guilty for leading you on but at the same time surprised that you had feelings for him because he's gay. Talking about love and marriage does not count as signals because you aren't even dating. A surer sign would be properly asking you out and getting more physical as you get to know each other better. Your classmates are teasing you. It's all a game to them to see how it plays out between you two. I would not say he is a horrible person. This is something that only a gay person can relate to. It is not uncommon for a gay person to come out in his mid 20s, wondering why he is in the minority 10%. He can be gay but still wants female attention to make him feel more normal, at the same time testing if there's an ounce of female attraction. His response to you shows that he is pretty much gay.
If you want to be friends with him again you need to allow yourselves time to cool off. He needs to know you are over him and you need to trust that he won't try it on with you again.
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A
male
reader, shadowman6.7 +, writes (12 January 2013):
You absolutely did nothing wrong! You thought he was into you, because he clearly showed signs that he was, so no... you didn't misread the signals. Like you said, either he's an idiot, or he's gay! But don't be so hard on yourself, its not your fault. Who knows, maybe he'll come around and decide that he does have feelings for you, or you might find someone else. Either way you are only 18 and you've got your whole life ahead of you! You sound like a really sweet girl and any guy would be lucky to have you! Good luck and take care!
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A
female
reader, shandy88 +, writes (12 January 2013):
I know its very easy for somebody that's not involved in the situation to sit back and say 'well, if it were me....' But after reading you're post I really feel strongly that there is only one thing to do. If I had a person that I trusted enough to let my guard down when I left it fully up for everbody else, and spent as much time with them as you say you have spent with him, the answer would be simple for me. I would say exactly what you have written down, be open and honest and just let him know how you feel. You trusted him for a reason, if he's as good of a person as you thought he was then he will listen and hopefully be as honest with you as you have been with him. Before you do that though I would take a minute to evaluate whether the relationship you think you had was infact as you say, I would hate for him to have been leading you on in a horrible guy joke. You are the one that knows him best, use that knowledge to guide you through. Good luck and I really would love to know how you get on. X
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