A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I sit here in pieces and in need of some words of comfort. I'll try and keep it as succinct as possible as there could be the potential to write a lot.Me and my boyfriend over two and a half years broke up tonight. He is in love with another women. We had been so happy or so I thought. Usual ups and downs, but nothing major. We loved each other and would have done anything for the other. A new girl started at his work place a few months ago, I think maybe 6 months ago roughly. He became friends with her, and me being a little insecure at times had asked him earlier in the year if I had anything to worry about with her and he said no and i believed him. Well cut a long story short, earlier tonight we had a bit of an upset, and he basically confessed that they had fallen in love with each other. I was so shocked, my intuition and fears had been right. As I'd also wondered if he had been seeing more of her then he had been letting on and he had. I asked if anything had happened and he said they have kissed. I was mortified! I said how could you even let this happen? He explained that he had no idea and that as he works closely with her they had built a rapport and they had an unspoken connection.I just cannot understand how you can fall in love with another when we thought we would be together for the rest of our lives? We were everything to each other. I asked why he did not just nip it in the bud, and again he just said he couldn't ignore the connection and what he felt. He wants to explore what he has with her and see if it will work. So he has basically chosen her over me, even though he has said he has been tortuing himself for months, I mean MONTHS? So he knew he was falling for her and said nothing to me.. how he kept his composure I do not know and this has developed very quickly with her as she only started at his work place after Christmas or so. I am in shock and my heart is in pieces, I wasn't angry when I left him but now I am thinking why if he thought something was possibly missing in our relationship he didn't say sooner? He told me by text later (I was asking and pestering him for answers still as trying to get my head round it), that this situation perhaps has highlighted that something might be wrong in our relationship. I said wouldn't it have been best that not only you split with me you stop seeing her too and be on your own for a while? And I said how must she feel knowing that you split up from your girlfriend to be with her? I just left my last text saying: for Gods sake please don't hurt her and look after yourself.It seems he may never be happy or satisfied i don't know I guess that's not my problem. I said that if he really loved me and was committed to me he would have nipped this in the bud and worked on our relationship basically. I feel he is weak and is confused and being completely an idiot. And he did say he might be making the biggest mistake by ending it with me, but he can't end it with this other girl either. I also mentioned that there is no guarantee that it will work also that this situation could happen again maybe?! Has anything like this happened to you? I don't understand the thing about being in love with two people. He said he was so confused, one week he was going to end it with me, the next, this other girl. But he knows I deserve better and need to have a mans love an attention 100 percent.Why did this happen to me? Why me? I feel I was lacking something in the relationship that I wont be able to trust anyone ever again... I am hurting so much right now.. I can't sleep and can't face work tomorrow, I feel so sick...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Hi, I am the original poster. I took yesterday off work to gather myself, I hadn't slept at all that night and so I couldn't face work for the exhaustion, pain and sickness I felt. Have been talking to friends,who have been a real encouragement. Last night I was messaging a friend back and forth for ages, venting it all out and at the end of the evening, I felt so.much better. I know I am better off without him, I can do better. And now looking back, I don't think I would have been completely happy with him. He is messed up and has so much self loathing, it would have eventually dragged me down, and quite possibly already was without me realising. Whether it works or not with this new girl is not my problem. He may or may not grovel it doesn't work out. I just have to take it day at a time, it feels I am grieving as though someone has died! And a part of me has died too, but I want to rise my head above it and eventually find peace. Thank you all for your kind words. It really is helping, I will come back and read again in a few days, see how far I.come! Xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Sometimes a relationship reaches its expiration-date. The important thing in order to keep a relationship alive; is that both partners feel the same for each other.
If you're not married to your partner, they may not always see being with you for all eternity. Only as long as they feel fulfillment, and don't feel any urge to move on. That's the reality of being committed. They don't always see marriage in the future, and could just tire of being with you. Living in a fairytale world of happily ever-after is nice, but not always the case. Unexpected things do happen within a relationship. Even when you think it's as good as it gets.
It could even sweep over you all of a sudden; that you just aren't getting what you want out of a relationship. You'll want out.
Honestly, I believe you were just content with having a man in your life. Even if it wasn't all that great. You told yourself it was. My guess is he was the center of your universe, and you built everything around that relationship.
Naturally he's going to go along with it, until he just couldn't deal with being a recipient. He needed something else in a relationship. He thinks he found it. I think it's just the novelty of being with another woman; more than anything. It may be quite real. In any case, he has chosen not to be with you. So your mission is to get over him.
You felt the relationship was going well. It probably was, but sometimes what you "want" to see, is what you see.
You may have missed some subtle clues; or ignored the screaming facts staring your in the face, in denial.
Your boyfriend was getting bored and probably had a roving eye all along. He stuck around because he just didn't want to hurt your feelings; because you are a nice person. It's not an easy choice to make; but if your boyfriend met someone else, that will certainly give him an incentive to test greener pastures. Thereby making breaking up an easier task. He met someone to bypass the withdrawal and detachment process. He has someone to comfort him.
I've been a victim of being blindsided when I thought everything was going fine. No fighting, we had a great time together, and we were very compatible.
I'm far from a clingy person. Prior to this short-lived relationship, I had a partner for 28 years. It's just that sometimes people only want to be with you a set amount time; and they wish to meet and date other people. That's just the way it is.
What I had to learn, you will too, and others to follow; is that people will not always have an explanation that will make you feel better for breaking-up with you.
If it wasn't your idea to end it, and you don't really want to; nothing they can say will give you the closure that you want. They cannot explain to you why they chose someone else over you. It's an ugly reality. It can happen to anyone. It can also happen more than once in your lifetime.
I can offer some possible reasons why. He was looking for something else that he wasn't getting from you. He wanted to have sex with a different partner. He felt no more excitement in the relationship with you. You can add as many other reasons to that you can create in your own mind.
What you have no other choice but to do, is accept that it is over. The reasons don't matter, if he no longer wishes to be with you. That is the closure.
He wants somebody else. The end.
So your job now is to focus on getting your crushed ego, hurt feelings, and grief-stricken heart through all this pain. It will pass. These are the first few days of it all, and this is going to be hard.
You must now go "no contact" to help your mind let go. You will keep asking questions; but the answers will not make any difference. You will still feel rejected.
He has left you for someone else, and that is the answer to any future questions you may have. "Why" doesn't make your head accept it any faster. It prolongs your pain tracking him down, and begging him to explain what it is you didn't do. You did everything right. He wants someone else. He met someone he feels is more of the type of woman he wants. That doesn't make you deficient, just not what he is looking for.
To tell the truth, he probably isn't anything like what you really want. I take no hesitation is guessing that you settled for less that you deserved, and overlooked a lot of his faults. He was patiently waiting around, until something he felt better came along.
Nothing I can say will make you feel better, when your boyfriend has dumped you for someone else. Anyone with half of a brain knows that. He carried on an affair behind your back.
That is betrayal. Be pissed off. You'll need that to help wrap your brain around it.
It is crushing, because he claims to love her. He may think he does, but in the time-frame that you've offered that he has known her, I think it is more lust than anything else.
It's a new vagina. She also has to contend with the fact that he is impulsive; and could drop her the minute he finds someone else more interesting or "an unspoken connection." Ignore any urges to beg, plead, or want him back. That's foolishness, and bordering on stupid. Second chances rarely work. Let no one fool or mislead you with that bat-sh*t! You may as well put your heart into a meat-grinder. Letting go is more humane and sensible.
You will be miserable until the brain decides to accept it.
You're not supposed to feel good about breaking-up with someone you felt you cared for. Life isn't always fair. You must now prepare yourself to deal with the grief and withdrawal period after the breakup. It is gut-wrenching and difficult. You are wired to survive breakups; because all relationships are trials. Either they work, or they don't. Smart people learns things, and improve as they go.
By the time the meet the right person, they've worked out all the bugs. They're ready.
Yes, you will miss him. You will want to keep asking him questions. You'll feel very angry and offended that he rejected you, and found someone else so quickly. That happens.
He wasn't your husband, and he was too cowardly to just tell you he found someone else six months ago. The fact is, had he done that; it wouldn't have made it any easier. It would be just as painful. I noticed that you are in your 30's. You've faced a breakup before; so you do have an idea of the range of emotions you're going to go through. You've survived them. This is the latest in disappointments; but you'll get through it.
Like you, the first thing my mind wanted to do was make me feel like some kind of victim. It made me feel like he was telling me he found someone "better" than me, and that I must not be good enough for him. You can't let thoughts like these poison your mind. It's only your emotions going haywire after the aftershock. The mind is throwing a fit, because it is forced into letting go after all it went through to attach to the guy "chemically" and psychologically.
The process within the human brain to attach is very complicated. Therefore, undoing the process is exactly the same as withdrawal from an addictive drug! Same brain-chemicals, same areas of the brain. It's just that deep and complicated!
Now he is forcing you to accept the fact he doesn't want you anymore. You never got a chance to prepare; or the chance to change your mind how you feel about him. Well, breakups create the terrible longing and exhausting feelings you are now experiencing. Some people are lucky enough to shake hands, wave good-bye, and walk peacefully and happily in opposite directions. The larger majority feel as you are right now, and it feels terrible. Not for him, he got his replacement before he dumped you.
I ask you. How was he supposed to tell you he didn't feel for you the same anymore, in a way you could handle hearing it? What kind of warning could he have given, that you wouldn't plead for him not to go? How would he tell you he found someone he wants other than you? It sucks, but it happens like this sometimes.
You already know that you have to accept it. You know that it is going to be depressing, heart-breaking, and insulting to know that he so easily found someone else.
You have no choice, but not to give him the power to crush your feelings. That is how you initiate your recovery from this sh*t! Stiffen your back, put your shoulders back, boobs out, take a long deep breath, and make-up your mind to be strong and survive it all.
Feeling totally zapped of your strength, means you've given him more than he deserves. He was a boyfriend, not a husband. There is no divorce, there are no children, there is no contract. He stayed as long as he felt he was happy to be with you. That time has run-out. This is your opportunity to find someone better for you.
It's going to be rough for the next few months. How long it takes to feel better varies, but it takes time regardless. Words I say will only make you think, they may not stop the pain. There is no miracle cure for the breakup-miseries.
When you are able to absorb the grief of your loss; you will feel some relief. You will miss him somewhat less, and your mind will refocus on getting your life back. It will automatically switchover to survival-mode. You'll seek and find comfort in being with your family and friends. You will turn to doing things you like to do to stay busy, and to entertain yourself. You must avoid new relationships until you are over this one. If asked out for dinner or dancing, fine. No sex. You'll be on the rebound, and screw up your recovery. I warn you. You'll feel even worse. Used.
Dragging your ass around crying and obsessing over him will start to become exhausting; and you will began to fight it. You'll get sick of wasting feelings all over him, and you will turn that caring inward to give yourself reassurance that you're not falling apart for an asshole who just dumped you for some other woman, and left you feeling like sh*t.
When will you reach the point that you can stop feeling bad? No one can say. It's up to you to take back your power. You can surrender yourself to your depression and cry all day. Or, you can just decide that's the way love goes.
Return his personal property. Box it up, and have one of his friends deliver it to him. Do not invite him over, or make some grand gesture of personally delivering it at his door. Leave him alone. You still have to maintain some pride. Get rid of pictures of you together. Hide them from yourself. They will haunt and tear at your heart.
Rid yourself of all of it. Put his little gifts and mementos in a box. Tape the box up, and push it to the very back of the closet. I recommend you don't play CD's or movies that remind you of him, and you cleanse your house of his smell and anything that reminds you. I did. I don't even miss having his stuff around and it sped up getting over him. I don't text, call, or look him up on Facebook. I don't talk about him to my friends, and I didn't start dating until I put all my baggage behind me.
I'm not a drama-queen. I deal with my crap head-on and don't bury my feelings to pile-up, explode, and overwhelm me. I just let them flow outward. I deliberately force myself to control them; to keep them from making me lose hope and forget that my happiness is in no one's hands but mine.
I learned this by reading and listening to the wisdom of older people. I took the advice of my friends and turned all that I was told into a formula, and my own prescription to reclaim my life and identity. I gave too much of myself at once; so that made it hurt more than it should have when he dumped me. Now I offer myself to a guy in doses, I live it a day at a time. I enjoy the present. People look too far ahead, and set their expectations far into the future. It's good to be optimistic, it's best to be realistic and allow relationships to extend themselves daily, and not set your heart on years ahead.
It just might not make it. So enjoy the quality of it for as long as you have it. You will never grow immune to the pain of someone dumping you, rejection stinks. You will learn how to recover and reclaim your identity, restore your dignity, and move on with pride and self-assurance. I did. You will too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): This won't help your hurt right now but someone who is capable of being dishonest like that is not someone you want to spend your life with. My ex husband had someone else and had done so for a while - he never told me and I only found out after our divorce (which he instigated by email - yep!) had completed. Very cowardly! He married this other woman a year later - even though we had been married 15 years. Some men are cold. Some men can 'move on' so very quickly. You never really had his heart is my best guess and this is very painful to know - and believe me I do. If it is any consolation - this woman might feel good that he has chosen her and they are in love but she will always know that he is capable of such a swift and duplicitous transition. For that reason in time you will come to accept she is welcome to him and you are free to make an honest and respectful relationship that is not based on a pack of lies. In the meantime be kind to yourself x
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 Yes, this happened to me. One minute we were in love, and the next minute he broke up with me and was married to someone else 3 months later. It shattered me. It took me over a year to get over the betrayal. It was like experiencing a death. What helped was no contact. If you stay in contact with him, you will never get over him and you will always hope that he comes back to you. During that year I cried my eyes out, talked to friends, went to a therapist. It was a long grieving process for me, and what made it worse was that he was happy with someone else. I could not eat or sleep. I lost a lot of weight and I went into a deep depression. Going to a therapist really helped me to sort out my emotions. Then one day, I woke up and realized that I was wasting my life pining over a guy who left me to be with someone else. That's when I started getting angry. Gears shifted and I was out there again taking classes, exercising, meditating, going out with friends, getting back in touch with my core self and realizing that I deserved better than this. My friends always told me, "It was his loss", and for the first time after a year, I really began to believe it. Now (more than 2 years later), I don't care about him anymore, and I hardly ever think about him. If he's happy, I don't care. If he's unhappy, I don't care. I've become indifferent. It also helped that I met someone new who brought back a spark to my life, but this happened after many months of grieving and learning to let go.
My guess is that your now ex bf is infatuated with this girl and wants to explore the connection he thinks he has with her. Let him go sweetheart. Take some time for yourself. Don't start dating again right away. You need to be alone for a while to grieve and readjust to life without him. Start seeing a therapist. Start writing or painting or singing, whatever form of expression that helps with the grieving process. A friend of mine found her singing voice when she lost her sister to cancer. Now it has become a passion of hers. Find an outlet to express your emotions. Take care of yourself and your body. Start exercising, if don't already do. I found that excersing everyday really helped with the healing process. Cry, cry, cry. Don't hold in your emotions. Be patient with yourself. One day when he comes back with his tail between his legs, begging for you to give him a second chance, you will be in a place where you can tell him to go to hell or wait in line, because there are better men that you want to spend your time with. The sweetest revenge is when he sees that you are truly happy without him in your life.
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A
female
reader, tiakef  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 yes i know hun, my guy was in love with his childhood friend and me and i still have insecurity issues to deal with. mmm lets see, it doesn't appear that he was tortured or anything, quite the contrary if u ask me. He does sound confused on what he wants, and if he was a good man then chances are he would have stayed with you and given her distance, broken ties with you and the girl to get some time to think on what he really wants or b honest from the get go. You need to get some time alone and focus on you. U didn't lack anything, the guy just can't make up his mind. So its basically you just needing to get a new man that deserves you. It will be hard to move on but lets face it, you stay with this guy you will have more heartbreaks than you can possibly manage
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