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I thought we had something but now I'm thinking we are just a casual relationship

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2016) 11 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Omg! So, we met online and have dated a few times. Taken the relationship to another level, had amazing sex, a few times now. and now,after just 7 weeks booked to go away together. All fantastic, I thought. However, he has been acting strangely the last 10 days or so. He is being evasive, and he has cancelled the last 2 dates with weak excuses that don't quite fit with the feelings he shows and expresses to me, and with the things he says he feels for me! Now I'm feeling insecure, and affraid.

After he cancelled our last date, today, dissapointed, I tried to shake it off, telling myself, we aren't tied at the hip, and are in a ' casual relationship'' therefore I can't expect too much, and I have no right to question him. Feeling that perhaps our relationship isn't really developing beyond a casual relationship, I felt very low, and yes, hurt.

Since my online subscription is paid up until the end of the month, therefore not cancelled, I decided to see if anyone was available to chat. Well who was online? Yep, my guy! And his profile showed that he had been online a few times recently, at times when he had texted me saying he was tired and going to bed, or busy with other things! And this morning! Ouch again! Now am I being paranoid? Am I wrong in sensing that something isn't quite right here?

When I saw he was online, I messaged hello. Minutes later he was off line!He knew I couldn't cancel my subscription, and hadn't cancelled, but he did tell me he had cancelled his now that we are'in a relationship'. I know I don't own him and what's good for the goose etc. But am I reading too much into this, or does anyone else think this relationship is no more than casual?

View related questions: am I being paranoid, insecure, met online, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntHe is being the immature one here and taking the easy way out. At least you found out now after 7 weeks and it didn't take seven months to realize what sort off man he is. Hold your head up high you have done nothing wrong. Yes it will dent your confidence a little bit and you will feel silly, but you just need to remember that he is a player and it was all him not you. Best thing you can do is forget about him and move on. Block all methods off contact so he cannot contact you in the future.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 November 2016):

N91 agony auntIt happens.

At least you caught him out early on rather than wasting years of your life on him. You should be counting your lucky stars more so than feeling upset!

Best wishes

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 November 2016):

Honeypie agony auntYou caught him in a lie, he felt stupid. Easier to block and ghost you than actually TALK to you.

Be glad you KNOW now what kind of guy he is. Maybe with the next one, you will notice the red flags sooner.

Don't feel bad for hoping it would work out or be something serious.

Dust yourself up and see what else is out there. Don't let one rotten apple spoil it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Omg, so, now he won't reply to my texts, messages, emails or answer his phone, totally blanked me and ignoring me, I've been dumped, what a coward can't even explain o tell me face to face!! ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Feeling very naive.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds like it has been a bit of a whirlwind romance the last 7 weeks. So much has happened and now it seems to have crashed. I see it hasn't from your point, but if he says he cancelled his subscription and well he hasn't then there is your first lie. He is obviously still looking online and using you as a safety net or back up plan. If he has said to you he is offline because you are now in a relationship then that does not say it is casual. Going away is also a big step. But if am being honest it sounds like he has got cold feet.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2016):

Did you ever talk about what you wanted and if you two were exclusive? I'd be very upset if someone treated me like that. If you feel something isn't right, you are probably right. Don't allow him to play you, I'd cancel the trip before he does. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2016):

You are far more into him, than he is you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2016):

You are making big financial (holiday) and emotional (having sex) investments VERY quickly and he's still keeping his options open on the dating site. Learn your lesson to not give so much too quick next time. I'd say it's time to take the hint from this guy and move on.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (8 November 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt No, you are not reading too much into it, you are reading it just like it is. This guy is still shopping around ( and being secretive about it, because he had told you he was going to cancel his subscription. But maybe he'd call it " discrete " , rather than secretive ).

So, yes, I guess this is a casual arrangement, as of now, but , what I'be curious to know is, why do you feel it should not be ?

I mean, did he promise, or did you agree, that this is more than casual, and/or that he only wants something more than casual, etc... ?

Or you just assumed that it was more than casual, so early on, just because of the planned trip ?...( Not to be too cynical, but a trip-... can be just a trip, a change of scenery with someone you can have fun with. Not necessarily it means a pre-honeymoon , if the whole context does not support it )

My point is, I guess : I understand that you are mad and disappointed, ok, that perhaps is inevitable- but exactly HOW mad are you allowed to be , considering how you met ( dating site ) and how little time you have known each other ?...

Obviously, you don't have to do casual and be ok with casual if casual is not your thing. Then though I'd suggest you to compare notes with the guy and find out if you are on the same page, because as you had assumed that it was something more, he may have assumed the exact opposite, being that multiple dating, at least in the beginning, is sort of implied , and the way the game is played generally, when you meet people on line.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (8 November 2016):

N91 agony auntAre you actually in a relationship? Or casual, because you mentioned both things.

He's starting to flake out and you know hes still active on the dating site so I wouldn't get too excited that this is going anywhere special.

I think you need to discuss what you want from each other

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 November 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think you are reading too much into it... BUT if you two are sort of casual, nothing has been decided and he has cancelled a few dates, maybe... he is looking to see what else is out there and SO should you.

7 weeks is BARELY 2 months.

I would honestly call him and cancel the going away. It's too soon and his words do not match his actions. Making lame excuses to cancel dates this early on? It's not a good sign. Again, I can only guess.... and my guess would be he cancelled because he went on dates with other women. I could be wrong, but it seems that way. With him being active on the dating site and cancelling on you. I wouldn't bring it up though. I would just regard what you have as casual. IF you are OK with casual. If you are not. I'd tell him JUST that when you cancel the "going away" weekend.

If he has made declarations of deep emotions and all that already, he might just be a "bottle rocket" guy - you know one that starts out fast but ends with a bang not long after.

Also if he LIED about his subscription to the dating site, that is kind of shady to me. Maybe he wasn't aware that YOU can see when he is online and active.

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