A
female
age
41-50,
*oker071275
writes:I met a guy on match.com about two months ago. We talked for about three weeks and then finally met. We really hit it off and for the next month saw each other three to five times a week with texting in between. I think there were only one or two days in that time period that we didn't have contact. At that point, things seemed to be going very, very well.Then one night we went out and I got a bit drunk. To be honest, there are parts of the evening I don't remember. This is totally uncharacteristic of me - I never to that kind of thing. The next day we met up to watch a football game but he was kind of quiet. When we left, he said he'd text me the next day. He didn't. I texted him a couple times that week, but he was busy getting ready for a wedding he was standing up in, so we couldn't get together, and I was leaving for a small vacation the early part of the final week. I figured he was busy so I'd give him some space and didn't text him until I got back from vacation. He didn't text either.When i got back, i asked if we could get together and he said he was real busy with work and that he'd let me know. I was okay with that. Then two days later, i went on match just cause I had a gut feeling and sure enough, he had updated his match profile and had added some new pictures (from the wedding he stood up in). At that point I called him and asked if things were okay with us. He sounded a little surprised that I called, kept saying that things were "fine" and that he was just busy. He was really quiet during this conversation (he's not a quiet guy). After we hung up, the match thing was still bugging me, so I texted him about it and he didn't respond.The next morning, I texted him again about the match thing. I asked for him to just let me know if things were okay one way or the other. Again, no response. Yesterday, I sent him a third and final message, this time through match.com. I started off kind of silly, then went on to say we never discussed being "exclusive" so I probably didn't have any reason to confront him like that and just said that i missed him and wanted to see him and that I would wait to hear from him cause he said he was busy. Again, no response.I have a feeling i really screwed things up. I probably shouldn't have freaked, but I was hurt. If he was so busy he couldn't send a text, how did he have time to update his match profile? And as of right now, he hasn't deleted me as a facebook friend or blocked me from match.com, which you think he would if he didn't want to see me anymore. I really don't know what to think. I feel like i can't contact him anymore, but i don't know if I just have false hope that he's going to actually get a hold of me at some point. I'm just so confused! Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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female
reader, ZoeHannah  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 joker071275,
I'm glad my advice has helped.
There is an amazing book you may be interested to read which focuses on the way men and women date. 'Mars and Venus on a Date' (by John Gray)
It certainly helped me a lot.
Best Wishes
Zoë
X x X
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2011):
 you have false hope.
Like Honeypie said "he's just not that into you" I DOUBT it had much to do with the getting drunk evening...
from what I know many men start out like a house a fire and then when the initial fire starts to die out they lose interest.. spending 3-5 days together a week in the beginning fed that fire too much and now he's done.
Women want to be close to men to feel love, men need to be apart from the object they love to miss them and realize they need them and want them.
you contacting him over and over and now he gives you no response is about all the closure I fear you are going to get.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): I think it's funny that you got drunk, at least you felt you were relaxed enough in his company!
Sadly though he appears to have decided that you and he are going nowhere, could be cos of the drink (or did you swear at the goalie at football too) Whatever it was he's not going to ask you out again. So dont message him anymore.
Don't torture yourself by checking his profile or FB, just think of it as a chapter thats now closed. If women getting drunk occiassionaly aren't his thing, then he wasn't the man for you.
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A
female
reader, joker071275 +, writes (10 October 2011):
joker071275 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter the drunken episode, I did apologize right away and he said there was no need to cause I didn't do anything wrong. But that's the only thing that I can think that I did to turn him off like this. Unless like some of you said, he was still looking for other women the entire time.
Zoe, the part you said about the "cooling off" period really hit me. Maybe that's what he was doing. Trying to evaluate the relationship, and I successfully pushed him away. Still don't know why he said he didn't have time to text me but had time to update his match profile, but maybe he was just exploring his options and making sure. And I think I've now made his decision for him.
Yeah, I guess all I can do is just leave him alone and try to move on. If he changes his mind, he may contact me, but I can't keep holding onto the though that he may. Like I said, it's kinda weird that he hasn't unfriended me on facebook or on match yet, so maybe he's still thinking, maybe he's not. Even if we would get back together, I have a feeling things wouldn't be the same. I guess I take this as a lesson learned to just chill out and move on the next time this kind of thing happens. Thanks to all for your advice :)
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Time to move on honey. This guy has.
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female
reader, joker071275 +, writes (10 October 2011):
joker071275 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasn't the first date that I got drunk. It was after a month of dating.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 October 2011):
 He is just not that into you. I think it's pretty obivious with the lack of contact from his side. He might claim to be busy, but I'm guessing he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
The fact that he is now ignoring you, means you proberly need to leave him alone.
I know you feel like you messed up and maybe you did, take it as a learning experience.
By all this constant contacting him all seemingly one-sided (from you) you come off as slightly desperate add the being drunk as a skunk on the first date, I would pretty much say that you need to move on.
Time to re-evaluate and move on.
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A
female
reader, PR_Scorpio +, writes (10 October 2011):
Was he also drunk the night you guys went out? Perhaps it was a turn off to him to see you drunk that night. I don't buy the he's too busy story. He had the time to see you and text you before, so the fact that it's all stopped probably means that he's lost interest. Unfortunately, because he's not being honest and straight up, you'll probably never know why he tuned out. I would just leave it alone. The more you email, text and call, the more needy and desperate you're going to appear to him even if you're not needy and desperate. As difficult as it is, I would count my losses and move on. Give him some time and space. And during that time, don't check his online profile, or even his facebook. That will only upset you even more and will make you want to keep reaching out to him. Hopefully he'll come around in time, but if not, then he's just not the one for you. Do however, learn from this experience....never drink to the point where you're drunk and you can't remember what happened the following day. Definitely not a good look. Wish you luck girl!
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A
female
reader, ZoeHannah +, writes (10 October 2011):
Hello joker071275.
Unfortunately there isn't really much you can do here. It sounds as if he isn't 'man' enough to tell you the truth.
Your date sounds like all the other men out there, who don't have the decency in them to let you down, and tell you the truth and instead end up hurting you more by leading you on.
Men react very differently to the dating scene. You two may have come to the time in the relationship where the 'decision making' is done, usually known as a cooling off period. In this time (men particularly) have to take a step back and review their feelings in the relationship.
This can be scary, as it may feel as the though your date is pulling away altogether. And indeed this may be the case. But you may have pushed him away, which is a natural reaction, but unfortunate.
When this does happen, worrying, calling and acting needy are the best ways to make sure that man will run away and never look back.
Remember, online dating is tricksy and sneaky. He may have been dating other women he is more interested in, or maybe that night you got drunk scared him off, especially if you cannot remember certain parts of the evening.
Usually when couples date, they don't have a profile you can check or worry about. And in this case, because he wasn't interested in exclusivity and deleting his profile, it sounds like he may not have been that interested.
Try your hardest not to worry about it, and move onto something better. Remember just because he has decided to treat you this way, doesn't mean the next man will.
Best wishes, good luck.
Zoë
X x X
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