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I think I depend on my boyfriend too much!! How do I stop being so clingy?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 April 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2011)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm really down. I feel like I depend on my boyfriend too much. I really love him and he's so important to me. But I hate that I think so much about him and that I rely on him so much. To the point that when he gets mad at me, I get really, really down.

I have trust issues and I have no idea why. I don't like him going out with his friends drinking. In the beginning of the relationship, this didn't bother me, but after six months it did. I have a couple of theories:

1) Back then, my friends still didn't leave for college, and they were still here, and I went out drinking with them. Sometimes I feel jealous that my boyfriend has a good time socializing and I don't, because I have no close friends here anymore.

2) He has a lot of female friends, who are very cuddly with him. We have had our issues, so I freak out that he'll realize that he likes them better.

3) His friends. One of them is a cheater, the other ones are players, and some of the others like drinking and getting high. And they have female friends of their own.

4) Six months into the relationship, and he found out some dirty secrets of my past (before I even met him) with the guy who introduced us. My boyfriend was so angry and hurt because he didn't expect that from me. He said he wanted to cheat to feel better, although he apologized and said it wasn't true. THEN HE WENT OUT, AND SAID THAT A GIRL WAS THROWING HERSELF AT HIM, BUT THAT HE DIDN'T CHEAT ALTHOUGH HE ALMOST DID. Then a couple of months later he said he made that up to make me jealous and hurt. I don't know what to believe.

5) Because of his hurt and anger at my past, he once invited his ex crush over to "study", but they watched a movie instead. He told me about that like two months later after he had done it. He said he did it to feel better about himself.

Overall he's very sweet and affectionate, he almost always puts me first and gives me a lot of attention. He's also stopped getting angry about my past. However he's jealous and also doesn't like me going out on my own because my past involves some random making out with guys I had just met while drunk. He thinks I'd cheat when the first guy started hitting on me. Not ture, but well...

The thing is I think he doesn't rely on me as much as I do on him. How can I stop caring so much about him and whether he'll leave me? I think this is unhealthy. He knows I'm a jealous girl, but he doesn't know to which extent. I don't want to smother him, I don't want to stop him from hanging out with his friends and stuff. It's just I feel threatened, I don't know why. I want to rely more on myself, like I did in the beginning of the relationship.

View related questions: crush, drunk, his ex, jealous, player

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A female reader, tropicalstorm44 United States +, writes (1 January 2011):

I think I have a very similar problem as you. I even have a similar past with men. The only difference is that my boyfriend never did that whole making me jealous thing. Anyways, I've been trying to break loose of this problem myself, but it has been really really hard. I find that this isn't as much of a problem when I'm busy with school and other things. When I go home from college and for the summer, this problem arises again because I get bored and have nothing to preoccupy myself with. I also don't have very many close friends at home, so I feel your pain when you say that he has a good time socializing with his friends and you're just kind of there. My solution that I'm suggesting to you is to keep yourself busy, no matter what. Do anything that will keep you from having a lot of free time on your hands. It could be working, exercising, going out with some friends, random hobbies that will keep you engaged for hours, etc. I am still in the process of fixing this issue, and I really hope you'll find this helpful. Goodluck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

i feel the exact same way with my boyfriend lately, i spend so much of my time worrying and thinking about him and i feel like maybe he doesnt care as much as i do about the relationship. i think to become less dependant on your boyfriend you need to make sure every part of your life is well rounded, like making sure your education is successful and you are happy with who you are. you need to be confident and know who you are so you can depend on yourself. also i think being completely open in your relationships is a good idea, tell your boyfriend about your anxiety about the situation... just be open and honest and be yourself.. its all you can do.

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A male reader, 2old4this United States +, writes (4 April 2008):

2old4this agony auntI am going through the exact same thing with my girl in reverse. I care and depend on her way more I think than she does me. And my brain just cant rap around the idea that she keeps a life seperate from me. I meen, I always want to see her and talk to her and tell her I love her. The fact is, even though she loves me and tells me so, she is able to move on with her daily life without thinking of me and calling me every second.

So I think maybe you and I might need to just let go of our jealousy. If they are going to leave or cheat, then theres nothing we can do about it anyway. We need to find things to occupy our time when they are not with us. Because they know we will always be there. So when maybe we are too busy to talk to them or see them right now or we dont call them as often then they will probably start to give us more of themselves. They will make the effort. And you and I would be more secure, which I think is what we both want.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (4 April 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntI'd be concerned about his mirroring his friends behavior. If a guy hangs around with pond scum, they become pond scum (yes, I know, simplistic, but I'm afraid, also true). I'd also be concerned that he has a lot of of girl "friends". I grew up in a very progressive era and I was the first person to denounce that men and women can't have platonic friendships (OKAY, slight exaggeration). I honestly believe that it's incredible difficult and rare to have a friendship with a person of the opposite sex that doesn't have ANY sexual tension in it, so I would be extremely wary. I have to tell you, that the is the one topic that i have found many people change their mind on as they age.

I think that you are being very wise to be reflective about your own relationship. If you are feeling anxious about things, I do NOT disagree with you from what I have read. I would also take into consideration the fact that he feels he is owed punitive damages if he feels slighted. I don't think that any relationship survives if each partner keeps tabs and sums on each other. You should both be trying to be a person that the other would be proud to claim as their partner. Otherwise, you are just making a sham of your professed love and wasting your time, don't you think? Really, there isn't anyone else to convince, YOU BOTH have to believe that you love each other. Isn't that the point of the whole relationship?

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