A
female
age
41-50,
*osmicMary
writes:My boyfriend has changed his passwords on Facebook and gmail without telling me. Am I right to feel insecure about this?... Why has he done this if he has nothing to hide? Or do people not share passwords with their other halves? We have been together over 5 years and have always known his passwords for this. He did contact an ex 2 years ago via Facebook and then changed his password.... Well I found out through snooping and he hasn't been on it since now?.... Obviously I found out because I was snooping.... Should I bring it up or just learn to trust him?.... :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): hey,maybe theres is nothing to worry about.u need to respect his privacy,everyone should have there on freedom but on the other hand he may be also hiding something from you jst keep an eye on him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): If he changed his password after finding out that you were snooping, then THERE is your answer as to why he changed his password. He probably is not hiding anything, however, he would like his own privacy/life, understandably. In that case you need to just back off and just trust him. Allow him his privacy. If, however, it happened since he contacted his ex, then yes I would be concerned. What's acceptable in one relationship may not be so in another. I think couples should be open with one another. Funny thing is I was at a bar the other night and the owner was talking about how his wife knows his passwords to everything and for him that was absolutely normal, he had nothing to hide and wouldn't want it any other way. I agree with having an very open and honest relationship. So if this is the case, that he suddenly changed his password, there is probably something he doesn't want you knowing about. Is there anything else suspicious about his behavior? Ideally he shouldn't put you in this predicament. If he has been so open with you up until now, he should just continue doing so. I would casually bring it up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 You should have told us he cheated on you in your question. That does change things. However you say he never confessed to the cheating, which complicates this a lot. Had he confessed to the cheating he would have been willing to let you get access to things to he could win your trust back. When he denies cheating he will stick to his "privacy" card.
How do you know he cheated? If it wasn't out in the open? And why did you stay with him even though he cheated on you, and he doesn't even have the guts to own up to it? I wouldn't trust a man who cheated on me. So I understand that you don't trust him. But what I don't understand is why you are with him when he hasn't even apologized or tried to make it up to you. This just makes me feel he is taking you for a ride, and he isn't afraid to lose you.
Getting access to his messages and private space would be a step to make you trust him... but then again it could also be a step in the opposite direction. Because for as long as you have a need to check up on him you do not trust him. And when he doesn't even willingly give you this access... well then I think you should take a real hard look at your relationship and what you've got going here.
He could have changed his password for any number of reasons, you shouldn't automatically think it is because he's in contact with an ex, or cheating with another girl. But whatever his reasons to change his password doesn't change the fact that you have a big issue in your relationship, an issue that will not go away even if you get access to his accounts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): Normally I would say you're being unreasonable like the rest of the poster have. Personally both my girlfriend and I change the passwords to all our major online accounts every few months for security reasons. Everyone should do that and all your passwords for each account should be different and should be 12 characters, random numbers, symbols, upper and lower case. That said I would have no problem letting my girlfriend go through my accounts I'm 100% open with her but she doesn't ask for my passwords, they're too complex for her to remember anyway.
Saying all that, your case is different because of what happened in the past. Knowing his passwords was a condition of regaining your trust in him based on what happened before and also being allowed to snoop a bit was too. While he didn't give up his right to privacy, being open about his online usage was an important aspect of regaining your trust now he's closed that off again you have very good reason to suspect him. I wouldn't let this go, I also wouldn't let him play the "privacy" card.
If he wants you to trust him then he'll have to keep his online accounts open for you that's there is to it. You can't just magically trust him and not be suspicious when he gave you the passwords anyway and now changed them. Normally I would agree with the rest and tell you not be insecure and to trust him but he broke that trust in this exact way in the past so your instinctual need for self-preservation and protection is not going to let this go.
My advice is to think of a reason that you need to check something in his gmail, a good trick would be to forward a spam mail to him (penis enlargement or other such thing), tell him you've had people tell you they've been getting that mail off you and ask him if you can check his gmail to see if he got it too. Do this while he's away from the computer, or even better while your on your laptop, so that you have to enter the password and he can't do it for you. The just casually ask him for his password. If he gives it then your mind will be at ease and he won't know you snooped, if he doesn't give it and you can't access it act a bit surprized and then ask him why you can't have it.
Take things from there then OP, do not back down from this though, he knows how this looks, if he won't give you that password then he is definitely hiding something. This is not a normal situation because of what happened before, he knows you'll be extremely paranoid about this kind of thing and he knows he has to be open about it too.
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female
reader, cosmicMary +, writes (17 January 2012):
cosmicMary is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replys. The thing is when I say he contacted an ex, this was a girl he cheated on me with a few years ago then contacted her through Facebook and changed his passwords. Although he denies cheating and swears he met her after qe split....
Previously I had guessed his FB one but he had given me his gmail one. So I made him tell me his new passwords after he contacted her but a year later he has changed then again and my head is racing with all sorts if I go by past history...
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 He likely felt uncomfortable because you knew his password. I don't know my partner's passwords and he doesn't know mine because people have a right to some privacy. He might not have anything to hide, but still not want you looking through his virtual stuff and that's not only OK but normal. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but snooping makes you WAY more insecure and paranoid. It's like a drug, you get access and start tearing through emails and messages and the more you look, the more convinced you are something is there.
Don't bring it up, don't ask about it, just leave it alone and don't snoop and pretty soon the urge will go away. Unless he's given you some other reason not to trust him, don't worry about it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 January 2012):
People do not share passwords with anyone else. Sharing your password is a stupid and immature act, to be honest. It's something insecure teenagers do. Grown adults in responsible relationships don't share passwords or snoop around on each others accounts. So no, sharing passwords isn't normal or something to expect. Being secretive is one thing, having a sense of personal space is another. And having privacy is what should be expected.
Did he and you agree to share each others passwords? If so then why don't you ask him why he changed it? If he didn't share it and you found out by snooping then I think you need to take a look at why you don't trust your boyfriend and why you have a need to check his private messages and check up on his actions.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 January 2012):
 He may be adopting good on line practices. I change my passwords frequently. It is what is recommended as a strategy by IT professionals. At work I am required to change my passeord regularly for the same reason..
Trust is a beautiful thing. A good relationship cannot survive without it.
But your snooping crossed the line. Perhaps put that down to being your one lapse in judgment. Such things happen and all one can do is learn from these situations.
And if you never have another lapse in
judgment then continue to forgive yourself this one time. And keep on building the trust
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 You should never be snooping in the first place. You don't have the right to access his accounts without his permission. He has every right to keep his passwords private I am afraid. You having trust issues are a whole different matter. If you do not trust him then you need to get to the bottom of why and try and fix these insecurities, because a relationship will not last without trust, or if it does it will be an unhappy one so you need to learn to trust. You can ask him if you want why he changed then but then he is going to see that you are more insecure than ever. Which is never good.
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