A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I turn 18 in a couple months and have been with my boyfriend a little over 2 years. We are neighbors so we have slept with each other but I really want a baby. And I really want to be with him forever. Is this just a stage I am going through?
View related questions:
want a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2019): OP, I am 20 and have seen a lot of my friends from high school recently have children or are expecting (not sure if they were planned or not). I think this is a normal phase, especially if you have been in a romantic relationship with someone for some time and feel attached. Unfortunately, due to how our society is, many people on here will say to wait because of education, finances, marriage, etc. these are all solid reasons to hold off on a kid at 18. BUT, you will never truly be 100% ready, just better equipped. So yes, I agree with everyone saying to wait, but always remember that every situation is different and there is no "perfect" age to have kids. It's more about your values in life and how they are aligning in that moment.
For me, I have been with my bf for several months. First relationship, waiting till marriage, and we have the same values in life. I really love him and I hope our relationship is meant to be, but things happen. NOTHING is permanent. My dad had divorced twice and I can tell you having that separation from your parents is not the best feeling. You may be in love now, and I really wish you both the best and hope one day you can have a family together if that is what is intended to be - but do NOT limit yourself to being a young mother. I say explore your passions, dreams, hobbies, and find your own individuality before settling down (this doesn't always have to mean college, it could be a business pursuit or career). If you have a child now and get married, it is possible you could still go back and achieve all those things. But why put your body and youth that you only get once into something that requires lifetime responsibility before exploring your options and getting married (if that's something you want)?
I wish you the best and as someone who is in college pursuing medicine while in a relationship, I often wonder about marriage and children intervening with my personal goals a lot. I definitely want to marry and have kids, but I don't want to give up the possibility of becoming a physician either, or make that goal harder to achieve by having kids younger. I hope you can find a path for yourself and start a family without giving up your passions as well. Don't let other peoples opinions dictate your life! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2019): This emotion that you currently feel is natural at your age, I am 19 and a guy. I thought that if there was ever an occasion that this happened, I know I would have to step up.
But what you feel should be expressed with the person whom you said that you love and want to stay forever with. Ask them what they think because love is an experience that both people relish in finding. Love is not forever but acceptance is. Accepting that the person you chose to be with is the right man to lead you or support you in the troubles of life.
And as a human, we all make mistakes in those decisions. So talk to your heart (self) and the person you love if this is what you need in your relationship.
A child should not be brought up because of a moment in a lifetime, it is either a decision or a mistake that challenges you in life. This is not a milestone in a relationship, it would be the beginning of a new chapter.
Do not think about what you want, think hard about what others really want. Don't give yourself because of a feeling. Make a decision that you have thought long and hard about then talk to the person about your decision.
And since you are young aswell, life is filled with various chapters in a book. You are the book to write your own chapter. Be strong with what you choose and do not change yourself because of people.
...............................
A
female
reader, KeW  +, writes (4 December 2019):
 Hi OP,
I haven’t responded to anyone in a while, but this caught my attention and I wanted to commend you on bringing this here to get a dose of reality, in a respectful way. You have made a wise decision and you should be proud of that!
This is definitely hormonal - most teenage girls go through this at some point, be it hormones alone, because they love someone, because they hope it will fix a relationship, because they want to be loved unconditionally (babies don’t love unconditionally), because they feel lonely, because they insist they’re ready (none are, even if they manage to cope), etc.
Please don’t bring your baby into the world too soon. A life of poverty is the last thing you or your baby deserve. Set up a wonderful life that your baby and you will thrive in. Give it 5 years minimum, but ideally longer to get a rock solid foundation.
*Alba, my cousin, is 30. She’s a teacher, married to another teacher - they’ve been together 13 years. They’ve had their own apartment for 2 years and are planning on moving to a bigger place next year, with the hope of conceiving their first child in 2021/2022. My other cousin, *Keira, is 32. She’s been with her boyfriend for 10 years and they bought a place a year and a half ago. She works in a nursery and he has a fairly well-paid job (he’s 35). She is starting to want children and hopes to be married next year or the year after, conceiving her first child in 2021/2022 also.
Both Alba and Keira went through this exact fantasising and yearning when they were in their mid-late teens. Luckily, they got on contraception and understood that it was a phase, just like you’re recognising. Alba is with her school boyfriend by chance (they broke up for a year or so), and Keira isn’t with her school boyfriend, even though (like most people) they thought they’d be together forever.
There’s honestly no rush, OP. You are smart enough to question these hormones and that’s great - you just need to listen to your sense, now that you’ve acknowledged the doubt. Some people rush into parenthood and become rather poor parents, both financially and in terms of their actual parenting, when they could have been pretty good parents if they’d just waited a bit longer. They often become impatient, resentful, depressed, impoverished, etc.
Life becomes a major struggle every day, just to make ends meet. That can happen when you’re older too, but it feels even more hopeless when you’re still young, inexperienced and vulnerable yourself. It can also become a cycle of teenage parenthood, even when the original teenage parents taught their child how hard it was and to avoid it.
You’re also likely to end up having one child, then another a year or two later because parenting takes over and that’s generally the natural course for anyone who wants more than one child. You also have to consider if you end up having twins or triplets - time, expenses, stress, exhaustion, etc. multiplied by 2 or 3. There’s also the chance of having a disabled child with extra needs that you may not be able to cope with or afford the care for. Imagine how hard these situations would be as a very young couple, then as a very young single mum if your boyfriend doesn’t marry you and/or can’t handle the intensity of his responsibilities for you and a baby/babies.
I believe that you could make a really good life for yourself, but that will be almost impossible for another 20+ years if you have children too early. I am doing a distance learning degree and a lot of the other students were teenage or young adult parents whose education, career and dreams had to be put on hold. They all love their children, but I’ve yet to meet one who hasn’t wished they had lived their life before being responsible for anyone else’s.
I would strongly recommend getting a contraceptive implant, if you can, so that you don’t have to remember to take a pill every day - though the pill is absolutely better than just condoms, if you take them correctly. Refresh your sex education knowledge to make sure you’re both practicing safe sex. Always use condoms and the pill/implant. Don’t take the risk of one failing with no back up in place. Distract yourself by volunteering and working really hard to get a qualification/degree and a reliable career.
You can be a mum, but good mums make the right decision for their babies - not impulsive ones because of maternal hormones. Well done again for coming here for advice!
Best of luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): This is longer than I planned, but please bear with it and Ben patient: Definitely put babies on hold until you’ve graduated college and have a steady career. See your doctor about the best contraception for you and use condoms 100% of the time.
Also get married first because it secures your baby’s future more than no marriage. If you really want to be with him forever, prove it through time as an adult couple, not as teens. In the nicest possible way, teen relationships are easy, adult relationships are hard and parent relationships are even harder. Being together 2 years is great, but it’s nothing in the grand scheme of your life or the baby you’d bring into it.
Let me pop it into perspective: lots of women have their first child in their 30s - you could have been with your boyfriend for TWENTY years. Can you imagine what a great example that would set for your baby? Their parents were young and in love, but waited until they were grown adults and had been together 10 - 20 years before bringing them into the world?
If you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be, you will be together in 10 years, married, in your own home with steady careers and ready to try to conceive your first baby :-) Teenage relationships have few, if any, responsibilities. They don’t usually transition well into adulthood after college. Give it the test of time. Become the woman you need to be to give your future child the best life possible.
So many girls I knew at your age felt the same way you do. I went to a catholic all girls school and two of them actually had babies. Neither of them are still with the fathers and one even had a second baby with another guy who didn’t stick around.
I had been with my boyfriend from 18 - 22 when I wanted a baby. I honestly felt he was my soulmate, but I let rational thinking take precedence and decided to wait. It’s two years later and I’m glad I waited. Even at the time, despite my maternal urges, it wasn’t realistic for me to have a baby. I was still finding myself, studying, working a minimum wage job, living with my parents out of necessity and hadn’t faced many adult responsibilities yet - even though I had a tough like and was mature.
At 23, we broke up. We loved each other a lot and couldn’t imagine futures with anyone else, but it became necessary to break up. His life got a lot harder (it was already very difficult) and the idea of commitment and extra responsibilities freaked him out, even though I was happy not to do that for a few more years. We would have broken up even sooner if we’d had a baby on top of all of that pressure - I think he’d have still been around for our baby, but it would have broken both of us with the exhaustion and stress - something that can take over a decade to recover from.
Please go to the doctor and wait until you’re a fair bit older. This is just hormones, I promise!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 December 2019):
 It truly is a stage. Enjoy being young, but be responsible. Babies are for life and this is a passing whim. Babies are great, but they are 24/7 hard work and delay your life goals, if not stop them completely.
Babies are expensive. Have you finished school? Got a career or a degree? Has your boyfriend? Have you married each other? Bought a house? Dealt with debts?
You have decades for babies and you’re clearly a smart young woman because you came here. It’s definitely too soon and it’s just hormones :) Please get on birth control like the pill or implant and make sure your boyfriend ALWAYS wears a condom. No condom, no sex.
Babies strain relationships and can break even the strongest, mature, adult couples up. The last thing you want is to bring a baby into the world before you and your boyfriend have lived your lives and built up some savings. Babies often cause resentment and you don’t have a lot of life experience behind you yet to manage such a massive commitment.
There’s PLENTY of time for babies. Work in a nursery for a few years, volunteer at a children’s centre, volunteer with animals, etc. Build a career. Go to university or a course to qualify in an area you’d like to work in. Earn money. Build savings. Get married. Buy a place.
All of this should be a good checklist to keep you busy :) It should take you to 25 years old and then you can seriously consider having a baby. There truly is no rush - people rarely regret waiting, but they often wish they’d waited a few years longer. Our brains aren’t typically fully developed until 25, so parenting is even tougher before that. Give yourself time and put yourself in the best position to be an amazing, stable mother, in a loving, committed marriage with their father.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 December 2019):
 OP, what you are feeling is quite common in girls your age but PLEASE think very carefully about what will happen in your life if you have a child at your tender age. It all sounds fun, exciting and gee wouldn't it be great to have a baby so cute and adorable??? Its a fantasy but believe me, reality is FAR FAR different than fantasy.
I was a teenage mother. I had a baby when I was 19. I accidentally got pregnant and got married because at that time, it was very heavily frowned upon to be a single mother.
My life changed drastically. All my friends were going to college, out having fun, dating, socializing and I was up every 3 hours feeding a baby, trying to juggle a job, and go to college part time and be in a marriage where my husband was far too young and immature to handle a marriage or a child.
It was SO DAMN HARD. I was mentally and physically exhausted going on about 2-3 hours of sleep a day. I had FAMILY to help me too.
Please please don't do this to yourself. A baby is a living breathing person and they need love attention and require 24 hour attention. They cry ALOT and what is at first cute soon become exhausting.
Darling you have years ahead of you...wait until you are ready both emotionally and physically. Focus on school, college, your friends and growing up. There is time for babies a little later. I promise. My life was really really difficult for about 5 years until my daughter got older. We made it but it truly wasn't easy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"It becomes harder pursuing an education, dating, maintaining a career, and other dreams may be postponed."
P.S.
Your body is still growing and developing. Childbearing can be dangerous for both you and your baby, if you get pregnant so young.
I don't mean to be scary. I have to be very serious with my advice. You may not be sharing your thoughts or feelings with your parents. It's our responsibility to fill-in, if they can't, and keep you safe!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Babies aren't dolls you play with, and put them away when you're tired of them. It's natural for a female to want a child; but remember you're talking about caring for a another human being. One that eats, sleeps, has bowel movements, pees, cries, gets sick, and needs around the clock care and attention. If the child is born with special-needs; you will have to devote all of your time, energy, and love to meet them. To exhaustion! Your social-life is limited, and the child comes first! The father may not want to be a part of all that. If he isn't your husband, he can just walk-away!
When you're mature enough to work and earn enough money to support yourself and children; have as many as you can afford! You will eventually see the realities beyond your fantasies and daydreams. You may be foolish like many young women, and go get yourself pregnant. Sometimes it takes hard-times and hard-living to get through to a hard-head! It becomes harder pursuing an education, dating, maintaining a careider, and other dreams may be postponed.
You bring a child into this world, and it's no longer about you...it's all about the CHILD!!!
There are enough fatherless-children running around without male role-models and guidance from father-figures. Men have a role beyond being sperm-donors! I commend women who literally break their backs to love and care for their kids alone; being both a mother and a father! It's a sad commentary about our society where marriage is a casual-option, divorce is like trading-in for a new car, and anybody can have kids that can have sex!!! There is no order, and kids grow-up screwed-up and confused. They are cruel to each other, lack filters, and parents have no time or ability to be good-parents! They grow-up insecure, because no-one teaches them anything. Not everyone knows how to parent; beyond feeding them, having a place to live, and providing them material-things. Having children should be planned and prepared for. They deserve to be safe, protected, secure, disciplined, and loved! They should be happy, innocent, and carefree!
Wait, and have a family when you're mature and experienced enough to know what you're doing. When you can give a child more than a life of financial-struggle, and an absentee-father! Wondering who they are, who he is, why he's not there, and why they feel so lost in the world? Unable to feel grounded and established, loved by both parents, and knowing the joys of what it feels like being a part of a real family-unit. Rather than growing-up in a society similar to lower-primates, where there is limited order, no marriage; and random-sex between pairs who don't form permanent-couples. At least ape-societies raise their young as a group. Human-society leaves you to struggle by yourself. Kids raise themselves based on the rules and guidelines of social media! Parents and marriage are archaic words! We just breed and multiply!
If you come from an estranged and dysfunctional-family, it is likely to be passed-on. Who can you turn to for guidance and moral-support? Single-motherhood for a female with no financial-stability is tough! Nobody else has time to worry about your troubles! You'll raise your kid(s) best that you can. With or without help! That doesn't mean you can't, but its harder than it seems! Not all females can do it! Those who have would warn you!
If you want the best for your child; then be fully-prepared, and ready to take on the best and most important challenge you will ever have in your life. It takes more than just wanting a baby!
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (3 December 2019):
 Yes, a lot of girls your age feel that way. There are social , psychological and biological forces behind those feelings. You are certainly not alone. It is something you should talk to the trusted adults in you life about.
Like everything in life this is a decision, or rather a pair of decisions that should be weighed carefully and made with your eyes wide open.
I'm assuming that since you live in a developed country, that you have educated yourself about safe sex, and that you are seeing a doctor and have the contraceptives of your choice. If this is not true or you are limited by your situation, please follow up for more advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): You really want to be with him forever? Well then you can wait to have a baby. If you go to college, start a career etc you can still have a baby. If you have a baby those things will always be very difficult for you. How would you support this baby? And I don't want to be cruel but what makes you think he'll stay with you when most men don't? A baby won't make him stay. Please please please don't do this. You have so much time to make this decision. It will not bring you the unconditional love you crave.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Often when young people, particularly teenagers have these kinds of feelings it's because they feel a longing to have something in their life to love I.E a baby. This is mainly due to a lack of love and affection from their Mum or Dad whilst growing up. Can you identify with this?
What you are feeling is not unusual and like you think most likely just a phase and hopefully it will pass. But if doesn't, before you make any decisions you need to seriously consider the impact having a baby would have on your life, especially at such a young age. It literally changes EVERYTHING. Babies are hard work, they scream and cry multiple times a day, they hardly sleep and need constant attention. Even when they get through that stage they then get mobile and THAT is when the fun really starts, you will need eyes in the back of your head constantly when dealing with a toddler.
You also can kiss goodbye to any sort of career for many, many years and forget about going to college as well if you have a baby. There's that to consider as well as your social life. No doubt your friends will all be starting to go out partying a lot but you won't be able to with a baby. They also cost a lot of money. Babies need so much stuff, I wouldn't even know where to start.
Then there's the support factor: You feel a deep desire to have a baby but does your boyfriend feel the same way? If not and you end up pregnant you have to wonder whether he would still support you both financially and emotionally. If he doesn't and walks away then there's the reality of being a single parent to consider, which makes everything twice as hard as it already would be. You'd have to do everything; all the night feeds, all the nappy changes, cope with all the crying fits, constantly chase after them when they start to walk/crawl, not getting a moments' peace and quiet, and don't even get me started on when they get sick. It's HELL. And they will get sick, trust me. They will pick up all kinds of bugs/infections over the years.
This is coming from someone who had their children in their thirties in a stable marriage. It was and still is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There were times when I was literally tearing my hair out and felt like bursting into tears because it was so tough. I had to consider myself lucky though because I had my wife to split parenting duties with and could have a break when needed and vice versa. I couldn't imagine having to do everything alone.
Of course you are your own person and nearly 18 so no one can tell you how to live your life, but I would think very carefully before you make any decision on this so you can decide if this is something you really want right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (3 December 2019):
Yes. Do NOT get pregnant right now. You are setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary pain if you do. It takes more than love to raise a child. It takes finances and stability, neither of which you have right now. I know these feelings seem overwhelming right now, but trust me, it IS just a stage. It will pass. In 10 years you will look back and wonder what the heck was wrong with you. And even though your feelings for your teenage crush are overwhelming and you can’t imagine NOT spending the rest of your life with him - the reality is that you are going to meet thousands of other guys and LOTS of them are gonna be as good as your crush if not better! You are going to fall in and out of love several times in your life and you will learn valuable lessons each time and learn to better understand what you want/need in a man. Don’t rush marriage or family. You need to gain experience through life, and become financially stable FIRST. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. It’s gonna take a long time and you need to be patient. It will all be worth it. Trust me, you can either make a rushed emotional decision and regret it for the rest of your life, OR you can learn from the advice of people who have already been through the stages you’re going through, and make the RIGHT decision. Choose wisely!
...............................
|
