A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and it was quite a nasty break up and a lot of shouting names and verbal abuse. Basically he started putting other people before me the past month and became unreliable and kept cancelling on me. So I got upset about this and did it back to him and yes he didn't like it! so we are now broke up but I genuinely do miss him and love him still and I don't know what to do as everywhere I go reminds me of him as we went everywhere together and I am finding it really hard to move forward. I often just burst in too tears when something reminds me of him.Do you think I should give it time and maybe one day we could get back together or should I just try and get over him? should I give him another chance? I feel it was partly my fault for the breakup too. At the moment we are not speaking and haven't seen each other for a month but have text a lot of arguments up too today. should I give up and stay single? or should I try and date to forget him...I am all mixed up and I don't know where to turn to be honest. I have never missed anyone this much in my life and I think I may never find that feeling I have when with him again. will time apart make the decision for us..i keep thinking maybe time apart and he will return..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): OP-- yeah the problem was we would argue so much and carry it on for days and weeks and we are both stubborn in that way. I have never argued so much with a man in my life ! I felt hurt as he was always there for me for 3 years then suddenly last month he was saying he was too busy to see me and I couldn't handle it, it was helping his mum, neighbours, tired, resting, work every excuse he could find and I didn't see him all month. so I began doing my own thing and then he didn't like it when I had no time for him because of family and friends, hobbies etc. so how is that fair I ask?
today he has said he would like to get back together but I know these problems will arise again. I guess overall he has been reliable apart from one month so maybe I am being too harsh?
he has pretty much taken me away every weekend and driven everywhere for me. so I cant call him selfish in that regard and our sex life is very good the best I have ever had. so theres a lot that keeps us hooked on each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Here we are, the 3-5 year phase in a relationship! You either make-it, or break-it!!! It evolves and moves on to a higher-level, resulting in marriage. Otherwise, it becomes contentious, shaky, stagnant, boring, and/or tumultuous! It seems everything ends in a knockdown-dragout argument; because so much stubborn-tension lingers within your relationship.
Regret and second-guessing yourself is normal after breaking-up with someone. Missing them is usually what triggers remorse, sadness, and some anxiety about being apart. You start to wonder if you made a grave mistake. Loneliness and jealousy will play on your thoughts; creating all sorts of scenarios, or ruminations of the best-times in the past. Been there and done that, girlfriend!
Consider a few things. How often do you disagree? Do you reach a mutually-agreeable solution or compromise? Do you otherwise just abandon the problem and/or sweep it under the rug, just to come back to it in another round of arguments? Is it always a battle of who's right or who's wrong, to the point of impasse?
Do you find yourself giving-in or giving-up in frustration, because he carelessly does things that really upset you? No matter how carefully you try to address the matter; you get nowhere, or he just ignores you. You find yourself always accepting things that really bother you; because you feel helpless, and he has a stronger personality. Does that make you feel you have no choice, but to put-up with it? You love him, so even though it seems he rarely yields to reason; you always seem to be the one trying to preserve your relationship. He's always riding on autopilot, or in the backseat; while you have to manually steer and guide the relationship. The ratio being like 80/20; rather than 50/50, or a tolerable 60/40! You're a mature lady over 40, so do you feel replacing him will be tougher to do? Does that mean you have to be a martyr and take anything a man throws at you???
Assess the last 3 years. Have they gotten better, or worse? Who is the greater compromiser, diplomat, or peacemaker between the two of you? Who gives the most emotionally between the two of you? Does it ever even-out? Are you always forgiving his misdeeds? No matter how bad they are???
You don't so easily end a relationship; unless subconsciously you've reached the last straw! Things add-up and tend to culminate at some point; when you simply feel you just can't cope or deal with them anymore! You say it's been the last month? Do you really mean over a more extended-period of time that they've finally reached this point? Tempers may flare, but you always have a pressure-gauge that will warn you when things are reaching the boiling-point, or you don't want them to cross a certain line. You've faced all kinds of problems up to now. Why did it reach that level this time?
Your subconscious-mind is slow to catch-up with your conscious-decisions. Unless you do something impulsively, or in a rage; you always had something building-up inside that lead you to this dreaded-decision. Loneliness can be dismissive of abuse, violence, and justifiable-fear. It lies to you, and that's why people won't leave irreparable or abusive-relationships.
Now introspect. Take a self-assessment. Are you needy, clingy, bossy, or self-centered? Does he always find himself bending to your will, because you'll nag him into submission? We get the one-sided story here. He isn't here to defend himself.
Give yourself time to settle-down and sort-out your emotions. You've maintained three years and something went seriously wrong. You're tired of dealing with something he does that you cannot abide or tolerate any longer. You gave-up because you know you cannot change him. You can only change yourself and your environment. If this has risen to the level you just can't take it anymore. You have to trust yourself. Don't let jealousy, loneliness, or cowardice overrule your common-sense. Enough is enough! You won't change him, you don't get to choose his friends or relatives. He is a grown-man, He doesn't need your permission before he decides to help someone he cares about, has to shift his loyalties from time to time; or if you are so selfish, you feel you're the only person he should care about. You may be his priority, but not 100% of the time. Life happens!
If this is about his mother, family, or kids; you're barking up the wrong tree. Bow-out gracefully, and stick to your guns. You've made the right decision. If you have to force him to make you his priority, it isn't worth the effort. Girlfriends don't have the same rights and privileges as wives.
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A
female
reader, farawayouterspace  +, writes (3 December 2019):
Being unreliable and this eye for an eye kind of behavior sounds like neither of you respect each other. Of course you miss him but that's really not enough reason to get back together unless you both communicate and at more maturely.
Don't just sit around waiting for him to come back. Either go talk to him and sort your shit out or forget about him and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): You say he behaved like that for the last month of the relationship, did anything change or happen in his life to make him start behaving like this towards you or has he always been an arse towards you in ways throughout your relationship and it’s gradually been building up?
Has the relationship just come to an end, if so try to go no contact instead of being drawn into pointless arguments which will drag it out longer when you could be starting to recover and heal yourself.
You would be fine you know if you went no contact and stayed away, the bonds would start to break.
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