A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:I've always hated my birth order. As the first born your parents always rule you with an iron fist. But with the younger siblings they ALWAYS treat them differently no matter what. As the first you always have to be responsible and cautious. Yet younger siblings are NEVER told this. Ever. And they always are more lax with the younger ones. I can't stand it. Too bad no one gets a say in any of this. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 April 2012):
Look at it from the positive side. Kids raised with an "iron fist" tend to be more responsible, more mature and wiser than those of the same age that have been spoiled.
Look at MTV Exiled for example. Here the spoiled rotten kids from "sweet 16" get a reality check when they get sent to a place far from home where another teen their age is at. They have been sent to the masai, the inuit, pakistan, etc. One girl didn't even know how to fold clothes, another girl didn't know how to chop vegetables, etc. They were all stupid with big ego's.
There was one girl who felt bad about her spoiled upbringing and tried to do her best to keep up with the family she was at. She ended up learning the most and becoming the most mature out of the spoiled teens sent away. But compared to the rest of us who had a somewhat strict upbringing, she was still hopelessly naive.
Basically, being spoiled is a huge disadvantage in life. You simply don't learn a lot of important, essential things because others do them for you. These MTV kids are extreme, but they illustrate how being spoiled can bring out the worst in you.
So instead of feeling jealous that your kid sister is allowed to do stuff you weren't, be happy that you were raised to be able to face the world instead of being raised expecting people to do things for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Hi, I'm also a first born of 5 children, I am 25 and the younger one is 9, and you are right, our parents do treat us with an iron fist and it seems like we open the doors so that the younger ones can break rules and do whatever they want.
I am only speaking from my experience when I say that by being the older one, I have noticed that I am smarter, more intelligent, I am finishing my Masters degree this year, and I have a very good paying job. When I was young I wasn't allowed to date or go to parties. But as soon as I became 18-19 I made a point to my parents that I am responsible and have good grades so I should be able to have a social life. Well, I guess the social life of my younger sister started out about the same time..
I have also noticed that the younger ones are not as smart as me, and don't realy care either about their studies, and are so spoiled, sometimes they see me as their assistant, and as their personal cash dispenser.. That is why it is imperative not to feel guilty saying no, if you don't feel like doing them the favor, just say no. If you don't feel like babysitting, just say no..
This way, your siblings can make their own mistakes, and learn from them, they become more independent people. I always tell my siblings that they have to for example, write their own school report, it's for their own good.
HOWEVER, what I did to cope and accept this reality was to see the POSITIVE side of things, and take pride of your status in the family. After all, you are the first born, so you are the natural appointed leader, you lead, they follow, it's like a managers position, and I kind of like the respect I get when I have to state an opinion.
I also really love the feeling of being needed, being able to set a good example for them to follow, and being there to give emotional support, give good advice, and to protect them.
After all, they are my brother and sisters, and I love them very much, and I am really proud that I can be the person that they look up to.. you are the first born, you should cherish it, it is a unique and beautiful position to be in..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I wonder if the question is even real. "What should I do about being the firstborn?" What can anyone do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2012):
 It sounds like you are spending a great deal of energy 'hating' a reality that you cannot change and cannot undo. A lot of resentment sits behind those words.
It sounds counterintuitive but perhaps the best thing for you to do is to embrace your status as firstborn and accept that it what you are. You cannot alter the past, you cannot alter the actions of other people toward you in the past, the past is gone and reliving it through complaining and imagination is a complete and utter wasted of your time.
Once you open yourself to accepting the reality, you can then reach peace with it and stop mentally fighting it. It is what it is, it was what it was. Nothing you can do to alter what has transpired already.
When you find yourself fuming about the past and the unfairness of it all (life is unfair, in so many ways, you know), stop for a moment and acknowledge that you are fuming. Watch yourself fume, paying attention to the busy little anger thing going on, watch yourself be angry and huff and puff. Just pay attention to the emotions playing out there. Be aware that you are having those emotions. Breathe calmly and deeply while you observe yourself having a mental hissy fit about the unfairness of it all.
You may find you begin to gain some distance and space from the situation and find a kind of peace descending upon you. It may take a bit of practice, but what do you have to lose except your anger? Give it a try.That is, unless you define yourself by your anger? In which case, of course, your mind won't want you to let it go, because then what would you be, if not the angry firstborn?
Maybe you will come to understand that there is more to you than that surface label and that unhappy past of yours.
Wishing you the peace and self-compassion that you seem to need.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 April 2012):
 On the plus side you should have received the most attention and studies claim that the first borns are likely to be smarter. You are also likely to be responsible, reliable and someone others can rely on.
You were the first child in the family and you will go through life wanting to win and be the first.
You are now too old to be ruled by you parents any more. You are an adult now. This is your time to step out of the shadow. Start identifying some things you have always wanted to achieve and do. Because you can start planning to achieve your goals.
Think of Sir Winston Churchill. He was a first born. He faced a series of road blocks. Criticism. Sniping. Undermining. His own father suffered from a terminal Sexually transmitted disease. In an era where it was very shameful and he knew people knew about his family troubles. Did he let it discourage him? He was dogged and determined. He suffered serious depression. So he used his hobby of painting to help him find some solitude to restore his heath. He want on to lead the United Kingdom during the very tough time of World War II.
He is a good example of a first born who survived and surpassed all the expectations of those who under-estimated him.
Yes first borns are often heaped with too much responsibilty and just can't seem to get away with being flippant. Always being reminded to 'Set an example' to their younger siblings. Often when the younger siblings are 'acting up'
Yes you are correct. Those younger than you can coast along under the radar. They have been using their cute ways for as long as you can remember. You get the blame even though they started it as you are the one who is noticed first when there is trouble. It is so very unfair.
So stop helping clean up the messes the younger siblings leave for you. You do not have to bail them out. Loan them what they need. Do not feel guilty about this.
It is important that you do consider you and what you need first. And remind yourself about what you do not need.
Often first borns get treated like the 'other parent' for their younger siblings. Tell them to talk to their real parents. you are not their nursemaid.
Life is not fair. Life has never been fair. First Borns learn that faster than anyone. Accept that's how it is. You don't have to live with family as you get older. Once you step out into your own home and leave them, then aim to live the way you want to live. Aim to live where you want to live. Aim to decide what is important to you.
If you are feeling vulnerable then you may not want your younger siblings to know this fact. OK if you do not want to admit to them that you can be vulnerable too.
But if things are getting you down then DO NOT think that you have to solve every problem. Seek professional support from outside your circle. Anyone can feel vulnerable sometimes. The smart ones get professional support to deal with it. And no one needs to know that you needed that support
It is very very normal to feel extra viulnerable sometimes.
And it is very very smart to seek out and ACCEPT real help.
You like your own way. It's your way or the high way. You do need to watch your need for approval. What others think of you is none of your business but it will seem like weakness if you crave approval or seek validation that you have done a good job. (you already know you do a great job, isn't that enough?)
Some might even call you bossy. Can you help it that those around you don't know how to do things as well as you?
The best thing you can do for yourself is read up on every book you can find on empathy. And Listen more and say less.
And be kind to yourself. Indulge yourself, do something nice for you every day instead of spending all your time to see that everyone else is comfortable, at at the expense of your own comfort.
Say NO. Say it when ever you need to. Stop being guilty about saying NO. You cannot take on every responsiblity. You cannot solve every problem. You say yes too often and then all of a sudden you find you are overwhelmed with too much. Responsibility that would overwhelme others. But you are determined to do it all yourself. Delegate. Say NO more often. Prioritize and say ENOUGH if others keep on trying to load you with too much work/responsibility. Yes your can cope with Herculian workloads. But you do not have to. Get the BALANCE in your life. Do less and do it better. Leave time left over for FUN.
Go off and be a little irresponsible sometimes. Have the weekend off to just relax. Let your hair down sometimes.
You do not have to be perfect. Visit a place you have never been to before.
You are not the best as a follower. So think about what sort of company you would like to head? What sort of business could you develop toward success? What skills do you need to achieve and what knowledge do you need to accumulate to allow you to head up an award winning company?
And never say you cannot achieve as a First born.
JK Rowling (writer of Harry Potter) is a first born.
She was flat broke when she started writing Harry Potter. Her manuscript and her ideas were rejected by other publishers. She believed in herself. She kept on writing regardless.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 April 2012):
 I'm sorry, you were the first. The "guinea pig" so to speak for your parents.
This is how parents learn some things about raising children. By trial and error. Mostly trials. And well, kid #1 is the proverbial guinea pig" - like it or not. For some reason kids don't come with an owners manual.
Consider that all the things your siblings can do now, is because of YOU. Because you proved to your parents that it was OK. That they could TRUST you.
What can you do? Noting. You were born first, tough cookies. Once you are out on your own and later when/if you have kids YOU can do it differently.
One thing you DO have to remember, parents do this out of love.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Statistically, because of the way the first born is raised and always being put responsible for younger siblings, we also are the ones to get better paid jobs, leadership positions etc. We're the first to get it all, and we're often wealthier than our younger, more laid back and free spirited siblings who statistically end up in lower paid jobs, or more artistic jobs.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Yours is a very wide generalization, what you mention may happen in your family but it's not the general rule. It varies from family to family. Some times it's even the opposite, the first born gets the spotlight and is more fussed about than the following ones. I know a lady that had 8 children, she 's very much in love with the first two or three, way more lukewarm with the middle ones, as for the last two... she always mixes up their names and date of births, I guess by their arrival all the excitement had vanished from childrearing :).
Unluckily there is obviously nothing you can do to change your birth order, or the way you have been treated in your childhood. But that was before. As of now, why at 22-25 should you be subjected to anybody's iron fist ?? Move out if you live at home, or loosen ( not cut ) your family ties if you don't, build your own life, ... make your own kids, if you wish... and you'll get to make your OWN rules about birth order.
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