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He's the perfect boyfriend .... when his mate isn't around1

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Ive met this guy. he is amazing and sweet and just perfect in every way.

HOWEVER.. he has this best friend who has very loose morals. when they are together they drink far too much and take drugs. when my boyfriend is not with him he never does drugs, he just drinks but doesn't binge drink like he does with this 'mate' his friend isn't a good friend he just sees my boyfriend as a bank account and access to money and beer. his friend tells him he should come on nights out and 'pull' but me and his friend get along fine he likes me and thinks I'm good for his friend. anyway.. everytime he is with his friend we argue like mad because he acts totally different shifty, moody/tired snappy but is still pleasant some of the time he just has moments of mood swings if that makes sense i just dunno what to do. he behaves and is the perfect boyfriend when his friend isn't around. please help

View related questions: best friend, drugs, money

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntMaybe his friend is a bad influence but still he is an adult I assume and can make his own decisions. If he wants to do drink and drugs and treat you badly then he can choose to do that. Your choice is weather you want to deal with that in a relationship or not. Me personally I would never be in a relationship with someone that done drugs and I would tell them that before I got in to a relationship. I don't mind drinking as long as its occasionally and socially. I think you really need to work out what you want here. Their is no changing him, and you cannot force him to stop hanging out with his friends so you need to make a choice off what you are going to do.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (11 September 2017):

RED FLAGS AHEAD:

- Changing moods in the presence of a person.

- Use of drugs

- Binge alcoholism

- Not knowing how to set limits

- Having bad companies

This guy is not good for you, but if you want to continue with him on a relationship, you need to let him know that you don't like having his FRIEND around that much, but honestly is a bad idea. Many guys don't like to be told what to do, and who to be hanging around with. If you suddenly bring this subject up, it could be a deal breaker for him.

Best luck!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 September 2017):

N91 agony auntI don't agree with putting an ultimatum down on him as the anon poster said.

At the end of the day it's his life to live how he pleases. As hot cup of tea said, I also have friends who drink excessively, some not at all, others who regularly take drugs and some who it's not their scene. The thing is, this is who your BF currently is. He's obviously not going to take drugs and drink when he's away from his friends is he? He's not going to do it with you or on his own so I don't think it's absolutely crazy that he does it when he's with his friends.

Why are you always present with his friend anyways? Why isn't he spending time alone with them?

How do you know your BFs friend isn't a good one? I think that's a very big assumption you're making to say he's just using him for his money. Does your BF tell you this himself?

I just think you two aren't a good match, simple as that.

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A male reader, Hot Cup of Tea Spain +, writes (9 September 2017):

I have plenty of friends , some take drugs , some don't, some drink others don't, some are single and others are not- Judging your partner by this one friends actions is a ridiculous comment as I am sure he has a wide variety of people (including you).

The nub of the problem is that you feel he doesn't give you proper consideration when your friend is around. This maybe that he isn't ready for a proper relationship, or maybe its because you are too needy. I am unsure which is correct but maybe you can talk to him about his behaviour and how you feel. Moreover can he not have time to see his own friends without you being there?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 September 2017):

I spend my week giving people orders, meeting goals, preparing reports, and sitting through mind-numbing meetings. At the end of a week, I have to decompress. Back in the day, my buddies took me out and helped me blow-off some steam. I don't do drugs and I am not much into public consumption of alcohol. However; they made me break a few rules so I could reduce my stress. It didn't mean I did whatever they did, I just needed someone to help me break-loose. People who watched-out for me, always!

They are still my buddies. I have a relationship now; but we take turns buying rounds when we party. We help each other unload our stress and pain, and they know me. Inside and out. My boyfriend also has his own group of friends. They always bring me along; but I like him to just get out there and have fun without me sitting there judging his friends and monitoring his behavior. I'm not his mommy or daddy. He's a grown-man; and he chooses his friends and takes responsibility for his own actions. As do I.

My relationship thus far has lasted four years. He spends his money as he pleases. If he wants to indulge his friends, it's his money. If he wants to loan his buddies money, it's none of my business. My first relationship lasted 28 years, until my partner died of cancer. This one is thriving; because I know how to trust and earn trust. If I feel I have to control somebody, I prefer to be paid to do it. I don't make them my boyfriend.

If you don't like his lifestyle or his friends; you move on, and find someone easier to control and lives according to your rules.

You can't change people, it's not your responsibility. You should pick your match already having the personality and character-traits you want in a man. Not go waltzing into somebody's life thinking you can change them and what they do. He's an adult. He doesn't need you to choose his friends or tell him what he should and shouldn't do.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntUnfortunately, you can't dictate who he can be friends with, who he can hang out with and HOW to act when with certain people.

You say he is "perfect" when he is with you - I say he ACTS like a good BF with you because he wants a GF. He knows what is acceptable behavior and what is not - but when he is with his friend the "rules" are different and he can let loose.

He isn't going to drop this friend for you. And he isn't going to stop being WHO he REALLY is, for you.

My advice? Wish him well. Date someone who isn't such a moody person with several "personalities".

YOU are wasting your time on this one. You might think he is the guy he ACTS like around you, but that is only HALF the coin of this guy. You can't DATE him for this "half" when you have also seen the other half and dislike THAT half.

When we first meet someone we like WE are ALL on our best behavior. Your BF is no different. EXCEPT you also know what he is like when he is NOT on his best behavior.

Sorry, OP you can't date a guy for his potential to be the "perfect" BF. This guy is NOT perfect and not a good fit for you.

You have to accept his as he is or move on and find someone who is a better fit - with you and with his friends.

Lastly, don't forget WHO we chose to surround ourselves with REFLECT partly who we are. Your BF is not done being a party boy who drinks like an idiot and does drugs with a friend who encourages that kind of behavior - those two bring the worst out in each other and THAT will not stop, no matter what you feel, say or do.

You are still new to dating each other and already have arguments - that isn't a good sign either.

I'd wish him well and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2017):

If Mr. Perfect continues to associate with Mr. Loose Morals, he will soon be addicted to drugs and booze (if he is not already), and he will be the absolutely worst boyfriend imaginable.

Tell Mr. Perfect that if he does not immediately stop doing all drugs and stop binge drinking that you will no longer have anything to do with him. Do not accept any excuses; tell him that you will not tolerate any lapses. And mean what you say; it’s for his benefit as well as yours. Good Luck.

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