A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi thereI am tormented.Sorry if this is long but i want to explain everything.I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. In the beginning things weren't good. We argued A LOT. He played computer games and neglected me or would leave me for his friends when i was upset. It is surprising that we are still together but somehow we managed to stick with each other. My parents didn't think he was good enough and to be honest he wasn't. Mainly because he was hurtful and immature. Still, he was my first love and i lost my virginity to him. I went away to uni and was heartbroken when i found some dirty messages on his phone one night when he came to visit. I cried all night and didn't really know what to do. I stayed with him.When i came back from uni after a year i found another 'dirty' message which he said was a joke. I told him it was over but he cried his eyes out and begged forgiveness so I decided to stay with him.Anyway, after that the trust wasn't there so much. I lost confidence. I did some stupid things when i was blacked out drunk. I kissed a few guys, one of them being one of his friends. I don't know why i did it and believe me, i have been punishing myself for it ever since. I don't remember the situations in which i kissed these guys. I have no memory of these things happening at all. I developed bad anxiety and have started having panic attacks about it recently. I confessed to him about one of the guys but there are three others he doesn't know about including his friend. The last one was about 2 years a go.I kissed his friend about 4 years a go now.We are saving to get a mortgage together. Things are better. He is a lot less selfish and i trust him again and we do love each other. He is more mature and understanding of me now. I want to make this work but the guilt is crushing me. I know it's morally wrong to move in with someone with these secrets.But on the other hand i don't want to lose him.The other problem with telling him about his friend is that i will ruin their friendship which i don't want. None of the people i kissed have any intention of telling him but who knows what could happen in the future?I have vowed since the last guy to never get blacked out drunk again which i have stuck to. My mother says maybe i am looking for something 'better' but the thought of losing my boyfriend upsets me greatly.Do i tell him about these guys or do i hope he never finds out and forget about it? The other thing i wondered was (for his own good) whether to split up with him. That way he can find someone new and never have to know. Of course i don't want to split up with him but i also don't want to hurt him. Although I know he would be devastated if i left him with no good reason.Believe me when i say i know it's no excuse being drunk but i honestly don't remember kissing these guys and the guilt has killed me. I would NEVER have done it sober. I don't know why the hell i did it. Maybe for some kind of assurance or through lack of confidence or in some stupid way maybe i was trying to 'get back at him' Things work well between us now and he is excited about our new home together and the prospect of a future and so am i but i feel cruel having these secrets.I NEVER slept with any one or did anything worse than kissing. Again that is no excuse but it is important in my eyes.What should i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I'm not sure whether you are the one with the biggest secret.. I mean, do you think your boyfriend only wrote some dirty messages and did nothing more, back then when you were away at uni?
He's probably cheated on you and had sex with other women.. of course I could be wrong, but if it wasn't that way, why would your boyfriend have cried and apologized so much? I mean, why apologize like that only over some text messages?
Before you get more panic attacks and anxiety, put your relationship to the test and come clean about the kissing. If you two want to leave the past behind and have a future, he must be able to forgive you. And obviously you can't just forget about it like that, if you still suffer from this 2-4 years after. He might be angry and hurt for a moment, okay, but it's probably less pain than the suffering you've caused yourself for the last years.
Personally, I also agree with the other OPs that this relationship might not be healthy and you should do some soul-searching about whether he really is the guy you want.. or rather the guy you settled for. Leaving him will probably hurt the both of you for a moment, but it might be better in the long run to have a fresh start, and for you to get a second chance to meet somebody new and build trust.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 "He is a lot less selfish."
That's the best you have?
He is a lot less selfish.
Let's run the list now:
In the beginning things weren't good.
We argued A LOT.
He played computer games and neglected me
[he} would leave me for his friends when i was upset.
you go on to say that he was hurtful and immature and agree with your parents that he wasn't good enough.
So that's the basis of the relationship?
Oh wait, he was your first.
You go on to be heartbroken because of dirty messages you find.
More dirty messages, he asks for another chance, blah blah blah.
You go on to have panic attacks after blackout drinking sessions.
This whole relationship seems to be based on the fact that he was your 'first' and you are afraid of life without him, for some reason. You don't know much beyond him so maybe that's an explanation, but come on, there was nothing in this question that suggested you two were a great couple.
I think person12345 has hit the nail on the head when she said that this is a toxic relationship.
I think it's time to call it a day on the relationship and figure out why you are tolerating crappy behavior from him and not doing or expecting healthy things for yourself.
What should you do?
Do NOT buy a house or commit to a marriage or do anything that ties you to him for the future. You are not ready for a healthy mutually respectful relationship. He's a mess, you're a mess. Get some pro help in counseling and get all the crap out on the table and deal with it!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 This relationship is incredibly toxic, you've gotta get out. Don't get on a mortgage with this guy, don't get involved financially. You've never been with anyone else so you don't know that this is NOT normal or how a happy relationship should be. I know the idea of breaking up with someone you've been with for that long is probably really, really hard, but this relationship is nothing but bad for you. He tried to cheat if he didn't cheat, you cheated, you have panic attacks, he is "better" from being incredibly neglectful and selfish, trust me there are better relationships out there for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): If you were a lot younger, your story would make a lot more sense.
You have to venture out and date other guys. You get drunk and blackout just so you can do what you really want to do. Now you're freaking out over kisses you made years ago.
You're having panic attacks? Seriously!? Is this guy really worth that much out of you?
You are going to move in with that guy, and like so many other women let time pass you buy in a relationship going absolutely nowhere. Tied only the sappy words: "I love him."
Get a life.
Grow some balls and a set of wings. Fly the hell away!
I get so frustrated seeing so many stories of you poor sweet girls tied to losers. Scared of trying something new, using the word "love" totally out of context. You are emotionally dependent on him.
Tied to a mission of trying to make him change to something he's not. Trying to prove to your mother he's not the loser she knows he is. Defying logic and common-sense.
Get out of that relationship and be single for awhile.
Learn to think independently and develop the strength to think like a strong woman; instead of some guy's bitch.
If you were so sure about being with this guy, you wouldn't have written such a long post. You are so full of self-doubt and confusion; and I could feel it without even reading it.
Break the addiction to that loser. Be your own woman, and make our mother proud. Enjoy freedom, have some fun, and chose the guy you want and deserve. Make that loser history, and start a whole new chapter in your life.
That's what you need!
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