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I made a comment to him that has come back to bite me in the butt and now I'm confused about everything

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 August 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2015)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi all,

Here is my situation. I was starting to see this guy, who was chasing me for about a month before I gave in to hanging out, which is unlike me because when I feel as though I have chemistry with someone, I tend to jump right in. Honestly, I wasn't too crazy about him, which is why it took a little longer than it did, but when I decided to I realized we actually hit it off quite well, not to mention that he was very handsome so it made it all that much better. The minute we started hanging out, we wanted to hang out every. single. day. So we hung out every single day, he took me for dinner, drinks, we ran errands together, laid out under the stars and every perfect thing you can think off. We live in New York, but he is from Hawaii, so he had made plans to go and visit for a month(August 7th to September 7th) which I was bummed about but I was happy that he was going to see his family and friends since he hadn't in a few years.

Anyway, him and I text multiple times a day, even while he was away. He would text me that he missed me, he even told me to make a bucket list of everything I wanted to do and when he came back we would do anything I wanted.

Anyway, there was this one particular day while he was away he wasn't answering my text and 10 hours had gone by and he still hadn't. They are behind 6 hours, but still when I woke up at 1:20AM here I freaked out and shot him a text "Are you alive?". We are comfortable together, so I've never had the feeling that I should hold back if I felt the need to text him. I was genuinely concerned because it wasn't like him to take that long to answer.

Now, I freaked out just because the simple fact that him not texting me was bothering me so much, and I came to the realization that I was catching serious feelings, because I really don't give a crap when it comes to just anyone. When he did respond, his response was sort of short and not like him, and I felt this irrational, immature urge, to protect myself I decided to say "Maybe we shouldn't talk until your back." He said to me "I wasn't near my phone all day because I was at the beach, sorry." And I responded, "I just think it's for the best, don't you think?".

In my head I also wanted to be giving him his space, and I knew that I couldn't be wondering what he was doing for a month straight, because it would drive me crazy. He then proceeded to stop answering me all together, in which I fell back asleep then woke up again apologizing for what I said. The next day he texted me a massive response saying he was sorry for leaving me out in the dust and teasing me that I deserve a night out drinking because I was crazy(he already knows I'm a little nutty) and it was fine, the next day it was fine too, but I could sense that he was a little leery to text me first, because of how I told him we should wait until he was back to talk again. Although I took back what I said, and apologized, I felt that I may have actually hurt him and shattered his trust in me.

It has been two weeks and I have not texted him and he has not texted me. I am so lost and I feel so terrible because I feel as though I messed up something great because of my need to guard myself, that it came back and bit me.

He will be back in a week and I know we will eventually speak again, because he actually lives down the street from me. I'm so scared that I messed it up with someone who was really into me and I'm worried it's done for good. He is an Aquarius and I am a Libra, I know Aquarius can be very stubborn and withdrawn when hurt. Thank you!

View related questions: immature, teasing, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 August 2015):

CindyCares agony auntSorry but...3rd vote for yes, you messed up. Hopefully not in a major, deal breaking way ; I guess this can be fixed when he comes home. If he resurfaces ( or if you decide to call him first ) once he's back, you can play it by ear, and see if it's better to talk about the episode to explain him where you were coming from,- or just glide over it and show him by your actions that it was all a silly misunderstanding... and that you are not the needy,clingy, high maintenance, type he might have taken you for.

Because yeah, sorry but that is what many guys would think of your behaviour .

Aww... so he was not responding for all of 10 hours !? Oh my.While he was in vacation with his family and friends whom he had not seen since years ?... And if you text he has to drop immediately anything he is doing and answer you,- otherwise you think he's injured or dead ?...

You really need to chill a bit, OP. Maybe you aren't a big reader of thrillers :) but if you were by now you'd know that the police refuses to intervene and to declare somebody missing unless at least 24 hours ( or was it 48 ?) have passed from their disappearal.

We cannot always have control over everything , OP, you have to come to terms with that. You say that you were very worried that something bad had happened ( which frankly I am a bit skeptical about, it sounds like you were ,mostly, surprised and annoyed for not getting his prompt immediate undivided attention ...) anyway, even if that had been the case, there's not much point in sending frantic " are you alive " messages. If he had been taken ill to the hospital, or involved in a car crash, or undergoing emergency surgery etc.etc. - you can bet that his first priority would not have been answering texts. And if he had been NOT alive, ...well, he would not have answered anyway, I can imagine.

He did reply as soon as he could, but you freaked oit because he was a bit short. I suppose that he was a bit short precisely because he thought you were fussing too much, and because he felt called out as if he had done something wrong which in fact he did not.

Yes, he might have " spoiled " you with his attention and contant messaging. That does not mean though that he MUST keep this rythm no matter what, and that he OWES you messages. He might have had a very good reason for not answering right away ( actually, he did ), and, btw , a good reason is also simply " I do not feel like texting today " or " I am not in a hurry to talk with X today, I'll catch up with her tomorrow or the day after ". Which does not mean that they have gone cold on you, or that they are up to no good, or anything paranoid. It just means that " there's life beyond texting "- although I realize that for your generation this is a difficult concept to grasp:)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI do think you messed up as well. You pulled the "drama-llama GF" routine and then pushed him away.

He was on VACATION - which means you should have suggested HE takes the lead in the texting and calling, as HE would be more busy (probably) with doing activities, seeing friends and family so while he seems to like you - HE also needs to have ROOM to ENJOY his vacation. WHICH in a way you did, but you did it with such drama attitude.

He is in Hawaii - not deployed to a warzone. The whole " Are you alive?" is just a tad overdoing it, I mean... if he wasn't... you wouldn't get a reply.

CHILL till he gets back. Then TALK to him face to face so he (maybe) can understand why you went overboard and then pulled back.

YOU need to learn to chill. I know your generation who are so attached to your tech can't seem to understand that there IS a whole world out there and that you DO NOT have to constantly be in contact to make things work. YOU can not have a working relationship based on texting. Misunderstanding are just TOO easy if you rely too much on texting.

IF he gets back in touch when he get back talk, if not.. well then I hope you learned your lesson.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 August 2015):

chigirl agony auntYes, you messed up, and you ruined your chance with this guy.

But, do not despair, the good news is that now you know to NOT get paranoid and a control freak who needs instant attention and instant replies, because now you know that ruins relationships. 1. Give space when space is needed, and 2. don't play games. Telling him you shouldn't talk for the remaining time was just your way of punishing him, don't try to tell yourself otherwise. You got snubbed, so you punished him (he didn't reply fast enough, so now you wont talk to him at all...). That's screw up number two. You have to teach yourself to not do these things. Be mature, be confident in yourself. Trust, and let go. If he was yours, he'd come back to you, he'd reply to you. If he wasn't yours he wouldn't. Instead of waiting to find out, you tried to control him by pushing for faster replies and getting upset with him when he didn't reply as fast as you wanted.

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