A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I have fallen for her.Six and a half years ago I found out that my wife had cheated on me, prior to this our relationship had been cold for a while and I found myself having lustful feelings towards her sister who used to stay over fairly frequently while her boyfriend was away.My wife and I separated for a few months, and in that time her sister and I became quite close and I talked to her a lot.During this time my wife accused me of sleeping with her.About three and a half years ago my sister fell pregnant and split up with her boyfriend, so moved in with us for a year or so. During this time she began wishing that someday she could meet someone like me.Ever since the day I found out about my wife I have wondered if my youngest child was mine, although my wife says it happened when he was a few months old.She was always possessive of me, and always accuses me of things, of cheating on her which I never have, and of deleting text messages to people I shouldn't be texting, all things that she has done (and plenty more).I love my wife, but feel I am more in love with her sister. We are more alike.Last year it reached the point where I couldn't bear it any more, so I told her how I feel about her through text.Her response was it doesn't matter how we feel nothing can be done, so I had some idea that she had feelings too.After lots and lots of texts, she has said a lot of things, she has also not answered a lot of things because of who I am and wanting to protect both me, her and her sister, but she has said if circumstances were different she definitely wouldn't say no, she thinks I'm very good looking, funny, kind and caring and an amazing dad (her daughter sometimes calls me dad even though she knows I'm her uncle!)She has admitted that there are things that she would like to do to me sexually, but says there is no point talking about it because it can't happen.My wife having accused me of sleeping with her has also commented that we would be better suited together and has also said that her sister loves me.Recently if I try and talk to sister in law about it she doesn't want to talk about it any more, but I can't get it out of my head.She has said in the past if I split up with my wife she would consider it but nothing would happen straight away, although I don't think she would allow anything to happen at all.Thing is my wife knows that something is wrong with me at the moment, she has touched on it and hinted that there might be something going on between me and her sister, but she won't say it straight out, cos I guess she is scared what the answer might be.I am expecting the third degree when she gets home later though so do I tell her?And do I believe my sister in law has the feelings she says she had for me, or as she won't talk about it do I believe she was just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings in the first place?
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cheated on me, moved in, sister in law, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): I will address one question that you asked. Should you tell your wife? I will answer that by saying, let your conscience be your guide.
If you do, consider a few things.
How will it help? I think it is better to have a family counselor present to mediate, if you confess something so emotionally-charged. She would need help in dealing with the knowledge. If you are trying to avoid a divorce, a professional will give you both the tools to deal with your reactions and the subsequent emotions.
Do you really need to know your sister-in-laws feelings?
No, because it would validate your obsession. It was inappropriate to approach her. It placed her in the worse position of all. Your wife has the option to divorce you.
The dissension and resentment between sisters will not only adversely affect their relationship; it could ripple throughout their family, and this will also be felt by the children.
You said you took your wife back?
She does in fact have to earn back your trust. Simply taking her back really doesn't resolve the issue. You never really got the proper type of closure. That would have helped you both to deal with why it happened, and how to deal with all your marital problems that lead up to it; and inadvertently created by it. The issue is still open. That's the reasoning behind her jealousy and suspicion.
Wondering when, how, or if you'll try to get even. She still harbors guilt about it. It's hanging over your marriage.
The fact you will never forget, means there may be anger which you have internalized; and the resentment manifests by making you want to reach out to someone else to offer the kind of intimate love that should be reserved only for your wife. This whole emotional dilemma is fueled by that incident six years ago. You never got therapy to deal with those feelings buried and suppressed deep beneath the surface. So they are surfacing in ways you don't understand, or know how to handle.
Best of luck to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlEThanks for taking the time to read my words, and to give them deep thought. If I can answer some of your questions.I guess I know, and always have done, the harm and effect it would have, but I consider myself an honest person and one of the things I struggle with, one of my opening questions, was should I tell my wife.Not to tear her world apart, but because I don't know if she deserves to know the truth, or whether I need to protect her from it.The reason I mentioned what she had done in the first place, was because I have read one or two letters from people in the situation that I find myself in with my sister in law, but they do not mention any unfaithfulness towards them that has lead them that way. As you say, cause and effect.When I said I shouldn't have said anything, I did indeed mean in the first instance, and should have kept my opinion to myself and not put the person that I feel I am in love with through this. She is not like my wife in looks or personality.Why haven't I divorced my wife, and have I forgiven her.Because I do love her, there is a lot of good in her, and I have forgiven her, although it is hard to forget. I believe it would never happen again.Did she earn my forgiveness, that one is more difficult to answer, as it was me that wanted her back so she didn't really have to earn it.Have you hurt my feelings, no you haven't.To be honest I was expecting a lot worse.I was a little concerned when it was commented that I might like to disown my son because of this, but that was probably my own fault, probably put my words across in a way that I didn't mean for them to come across.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): My friend, life is full of cause and effect. Everything we do will either have a positive or negative consequence.
If we know something is wrong, we've crossed certain barriers, and broken certain rules; we are open to judgement. Not just you, all of us.
As a husband and father,you have moral obligations that you committed yourself to. So you shared your secrets with us. We have advised you and informed you of the potential harm this may cause; for you, your family, your wife; and her relationship with her sister. Let your conscience be your guide.
That is why we are here to help people. Sometimes our emotions do not allow us to see clearly. We aunts and uncles learn from each other as well.
You say it is easy for us to judge. You came to DearCupid; because you're a married man in-love with his wife's sister. You want her to tell you how she feels about you. While still married to her sister. You want to know how to deal with that. At least one of us has given you suitable advice. We all share something in-common. Human weakness.
You WERE seeking opinions? Judgement is not my goal here.
I have the benefit of wisdom and experience, and a powerful sensitivity toward human suffering. I offer sympathy only when appropriate. Pity can often cloud issues.
In such a potentially-destructive and highly emotional situation; how would you expect advice and opinion without judgment? You made some judgements about your wife. Almost using her as an excuse for your behavior. Two wrongs do not make a right. Marriage has rules. They apply to both of you.
You never explained why you haven't divorced her? You certainly have given us a vivid picture of what she's like and what she has done. That was to direct our judgement toward her. Was it not?
Nobody ever judged you as a villain. I'm only alerting you to the serious consequences.
There are two sides to every story. She doesn't get the opportunity to tell hers. Supposedly, she has been forgiven. It doesn't sound like she has earned your forgiveness. Nor have you gotten over your bad feelings from what she has done. You might love her; but you don't like her. Truthfully, you used to love her.
If your feelings for her sister are stronger than the feelings of your wife. You cannot rest because you really need to know if her sister wants you. It is time to dissolve your marriage.
You seem to have nothing left to offer your wife. I've carefully read every word you've written. Subconsciously or consciously; you've sought intervention. Here's my contribution.
You mentioned you should have kept it to yourself?
The appropriate time for that would have been when you first made a pass at her sister. Then you wouldn't have opened the door to your obsession. Cause and effect.
We know your wife has cheated on you. She has a propensity to be jealous, and has a stronger personality than you do. You find a more compatible spirit in her sister.
The honorable and sensible resolution to your problem is to divorce your wife. You will be free to do whatever you choose with your life. You will no longer have to deal with those things about her that make you unhappy, or brought you pain. You may only be seeking refuge in her sister's kinder spirit. Not really her love. They may have a strong family-resemblance in looks. One is the devil, and the other is like an angel. Give up the incompatible wife
first. Then see if your feelings remain for her sister.
Once divorced, you will be free to pursue any available woman of your choosing. You will be free of guilt, an unhappy marriage, and you can finally put everything you've written in defense of yourself to final rest.
I notice you don't direct your responses to me; because you think I am judging you. Quite the contrary. Like Tisha-1, I have directly addressed your issue. Rather bluntly.
Only to help you think. Sometimes coming from another man makes it more difficult to swallow. You're going through something really tough. It could happen to anyone.
You may not like my advice. I hope it hasn't hurt your feelings. That isn't the purpose. It will help you look at every detail of the situation. Then you will find your own solution. I gave you another man's perspective without the sugar-coating. As men, we find our answers mostly through logic; and less through emotion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
Food for thought.
"I can tell you won't and you'll try and explain it"
How can you tell? . . . I know that you are right!
It is difficult, to be in this situation, I never meant it to happen, I should have kept it to myself.
I know its easy to judge, easy to have an opinion, and easy to see why some form the opinions that they have.
Why did my wife do what she did in the first place?
Well, I guess my character is to blame, I'm not a romantic, I'm an introvert, I live every day as it comes, I'm unorganised, I don't plan ahead, quite the opposite to my wife. I guess she always has been an insecure and jealous person, whereas I never was, I knew that she was so in love with me that I thought she would never be unfaithful.
That might sound like I gave her reason to be unfaithful, it might come across to you that I am an intense flirt or something, but I am not. I have always tried not to speak to females if I could help it, even look at them, because of my wifes jealousy, and for the first two or three years I was questioned intensely every night about relationships I had had with other people before my wife and I got together.
About three years after it happened I found out about it. At the time she told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me any more so thought we should separate. Now, she says it was because she thought I was unhappy, but to be honest I think it was the guilt that she had burning away inside her that was the reason.
So, is this all out of resentment, a way to get back at her.
No, it isn't. I have merely scratched the surface when it comes to the things that my wife has done in the past, what she has put me through, but I am not a vindictive person.
For a long time, the one person in the world that I did hate and resent was the person that my wife was unfaithful with, but I learn to forgive, I speak to him now and again . . briefly.
As for my sister in law, the feelings of lust for her started before my wife admitted to me that she had been unfaithful, and I also happen to care about both of them enough that I would never intentionally hurt them or break the bond between two sisters, one of the first things I said to her was that I knew nothing can ever happen. She is much more like me than my wife, and having been hospitalised for a fairly long time, fearing for my life a few years back, along with comments made by my wife about us both I guess made me think . . . a lot . . . too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): Stop talking to her sister so much. She won't be able to go out and find an available man who would be better for her as they wou;dn't have or have had a romantic connection with theri sister. Please for her sake, just stop contacting her so much. I can tell you won't and you'll try and explain it. But you should just stop.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 My Dad used to say "fap" and "dang nabit" when he was around we little ones.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Spellcheck didn't like me using naughty words. You can look forward to a less fucked up life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
How about this: assume she does, then proceed to deal with things like getting the counseling. Then you can look forward to a less tucked up life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess so Tisha, that and when you love someone its natural to want to know if they feel the same, and in my fucked up way think that if she does it might be easier knowing we both have the same feelings to get over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): I agree with Tish1, 100%.
You claim cheating has brought you closer? In what way?
What issues within your marriage do you think made your wife cheat on you? Counseling will help you both to deal with those issues; and reach a mutually beneficial closure to that incident. You may find some healing. You will find a way to deal with the internalized anger and resentment.
You say you're closer?
Not close enough to concentrate on the healing of your marriage; and shutting out anything that would put it in jeopardy. Inviting in suspicion, potential infidelity, and family-betrayal. You call that naive?
My friend, it would benefit you and your family; to work at staying together. Getting family therapy to work past your emotional crisis. To extinguish your infatuation toward your wife's sister; and put this nonsense about wondering about her feelings to rest.
Investigate the hidden psychological reasons why you and your wife are searching outside of your marriage; instead of inside your marriage for fulfillment. Find the tools to survive, and keep your family intact.
Otherwise; find the strength to finally divorce and restart your lives. There is much counseling and therapy will reveal. You live in denial.
You contradict your feelings. Claiming love for your wife and family; yet obsessing on the very thing that can destroy your family, and hers.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
Again, why do you need to know her feelings? To boost your self-esteem?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo its not out of vindication, I care about my wifes feelings, otherwise I would have told her, I also care about my sister in laws feelings too, and my childrens
It is, in no way whatsoever, an attempt to get back at her!
The fact I mentioned the affair in the first place is to point out that this is what made us closer, and that made me respect and admire her more.
I cant help my feelings, but they dont have intentional sinister undertones.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
How will knowing her feelings at this moment in time have any impact on your future choices? What are you going to do with that information?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
Let's review:
Your wife had an affair. You split up for a while.
[No marriage counseling? No talk therapy? No nothing? Curious.]
Your wife accuses you of sleeping with her sister at this time.
You wonder if your youngest child is yours.
Your feelings bubble up and over and you decide to proposition your sister-in-law VIA TEXT.
Your wife is suspicious and accuses you of inappropriate texting and having an affair.
You say you have never cheated on her. [You do not seem to realize that emotional cheating IS cheating.]
You proceed to try to convince your sister-in-law to tell you that she has feelings for you. You talk about doing sexual things. You talk about 'what ifs' and you basically carry on an emotional affair with your sister-in-law.
You wife, having some radar, knows something is going on and she knows it involves her sister.
She chooses not to confront you directly, no doubt because she knows it will rip the family apart.
And after all of this drama, all you really want to know is if your sister-in-law is in love with you?
That's beyond naive, sorry.
You are focused on confirming a feeling, meanwhile, your life is in chaos.
Do you want to save your marriage? Get into counseling with your wife and children, like, yesterday. Deal with the aftermath of her affair, if your 5 year old son knows about it, you don't want this to have repercussions for him. Your wife chose to cheat on you. You two don't seem to have dealt with that. I suspect this whole fascination with her sister is some sort of revenge thing.
Do you want to leave your wife? Then leave her, don't continue the charade.
Your obsession with your sister-in-law is going to destroy two families, might as well face that and get some help for it.
Get your children into counseling, whatever happens, they will need tools to cope with their parents' poor choices.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): I just hope your intense attraction for your wife's sister is not out of vindication for her cheating on you six years ago. The fact it is the first thing mentioned in your post; sets the stage for everything to follow.
A divorce is a simple and effective solution.
Nothing would get back at her better than divorcing her, and starting a relationship with her sister.
I by no means would believe you are naive about anything. The fact that you are so intensely curious if she "likes" or "loves" you is very important to know. Vengeance would be much more toxic and effective, if you knew for sure. It would be the irony to beat all.
I believe the timing is just too convenient. Discard one sister, and her replacement awaits. How diabolical!
Her own sister. Both betrayed and cast out in one big swoop. I don't think her sister is going to place herself in the position to be used that way. She may realize how cruel this would be. There is no question that she does love her sister. She'll be no part of this scheme.
What your wife did was wrong. You probably can't forgive her. You don't want a divorce; unless you have a way to completely punish her in the process. You don't want to end up alone. She'll take half of what you have, the kids, and get child-support. You'd get to rub her nose in the fact you're sleeping with her sister as payback.
This is the perfect drama for a soap opera.
Your obsession with her sister is unhealthy and suspicious. You realize how it might create dissension between sisters, and could cause bad blood. It might send shock-waves through the family.
They are sisters to the end. They just might turn on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I don't really think pursuing her is an option, she is a very loyal person and her morals won't let her.
I am more bothered about how she feels about me and if she is in love with me.
If I ask her she says she won't let her feelings get that far because it can never happen but I don't know if she is just saying that because she has also admitted that she hasn't told me completely how she feels, she is scared of her sister and I don't think she would want to give her any chance of finding out how she feels.
I am a little nieve when it comes to things like this and don't read people very well.
I thought she liked me a lot a long time ago from her body language and not as much when she lived with us but according to her it was the other way around, but now she tries to keep her distance a bit more and I don't know if this is just her overcompensating so her sister doesn' t get any idea, whether she thinks its the best thing to do, or if its cos really she doesn' t actually like me much any more.
I apologise, she tells me not to, and not to be sorry, that she cares about me a lot and she will always be there for me,but she just wants to do what's right.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 You need to grow some balls and divorce your wife. Yes she had an affair but you chose to stay in the marriage. You have fallen for the wife's sister, divorce your wife and pursue her. I don't think you will do it as a lot of men that try to step outside their marriage are scared of the uncertainty and go crawling back to their wife. Just remember once you take the step of divorce and pursue a relationship with the wife's sister I suggest you be very sure that not going to go back to your wife as she will make your life hell (hell hearth no furry like a woman scorned).
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am aware it is wrong, quite common but still wrong, and guess I am looking for a females perspective on how she feels about me, cos if I knew she was going through the same feelings in a funny way it might make it easier for me to get passed this.
She tells me she cares about me a lot but because she knows I am out of bounds has never let her feelings get that far.
She has told me once that she does love me, but she doesnt think its the same as my love for her.
If I ask her somethings she chooses her words carefully so as not to confirm or deny her feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand where you are coming from, but I think you may have misunderstood how I feel about my son, about both of them actually.
My sister in law has suggested I should get a paternity test carried out if I am that concerned, but I dont think I would like to find out he isnt mine, and I certainly dont want to put him through that.
He is aware that my wife had an affair, as her ex best friend decided to tell him that when he was five years old!
I do know nothing can happen between us, I just wonder if I know how she really feels about me
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): How about no more lollygagging around and divorcing your wife? Yes, you have to split it up the middle; before you move on.
Then also consider the fact that your sister-in-law cares more about her sister's feelings, than she may care for you!
Using your wife's past cheating as the mitigating circumstance to simply ignore her existence and go for her sister, might not say much good about your character. I don't mean to pass judgement; but this is a point to be considered here.
She is still married to you, and even if you'd like to disown your son to add insult to injury, he is your son until proven otherwise.
The major point I'm making here is; he is the most innocent throughout all of this drama!!! How could you turn on him like that?
What if he is your son? How should he feel that you even thought to question it? Don't you think for one moment your wife isn't going to use this very effective weapon against you. Will you disown him if he isn't your son. Is that his fault?
You are talking about sisters and the ramifications of how it will effect their relationship. Their family.
Sisters can't divorce. You can't dispel your DNA ,and purge your love for your siblings in exchange for their spouses. It's just more complicated than that. Blood is thicker than
taking your pick between two sisters!
You didn't do what you should have done from the beginning, and you're still dragging your feet on it. Seeking a divorce. You obviously have not forgiven her and moved on beyond the cheating.
So she can get on with her life, you can get through all the legal and emotional drama. Then there is the issue of dealing with your question of paternity.
If I were in your sister-in-law's shoes, I'd stay totally out of reach. Only offering condolences to my flesh and blood for the demise of her marriage; and staying totally out of it until all the dust has settled. She has been quite level-headed, and respectful throughout all of this so far. Kudos to her.
You are throwing caution to the wind, and just letting yourself be lead around by lust and emotion. Paying no attention to the larger details. You've been betrayed.
That takes no backseat to anything else here. You have feelings too. In fact, that's all that is being considered from what I gather.
You have a son, a wife, and an existing marriage. You can't just kick one sister aside, and jump into the arms of the other. She happens to love her sister, you know. Not to diminish the importance of your feelings in all of this.
It's just that your feelings are neither legitimate; nor justified, until you make the decision to get a divorce, and address who you want after the fact. It is quite possible that there will be no happy-ending. Not for awhile.
Of all the people in this whole situation. I pity your son.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (22 January 2014):
 I think you and your sister in law are in love with each other. Your sister in law is trying not to rock the boat, because it would mean betraying her sister. Blood is thicker than water. It seems like you're trying to find excuses to be with your sister in law by bringing up your wife's affair and questioning whether the last child is yours. If you feel really strongly for the siter in law then you need to be honest with your wife, and face the dire consequences. This could very well shake up or destroy your family life as it is now. Are you brave enough or strong enough to handle this?
If you are not in love with your wife anymore, then why are you with her? Maybe your sister in law is waiting for you to make the drastic decision to divorce your wife and then stay single for a while (cooling off period). Then after an acceptable amount of time for the transition to take place, your sister in law will be open to the idea of being with you. I think she wants to be with you, but not at the risk of hurting her sister.
You have to realize that if the two of you decide to be together, it is going to affect many other people - Your wife and children. Forget about what society says, or what people think, but you must think about how this is going to impact your wife and children. Is it worth the risk?
I think the only way this will be successful and where everyone is happy is if your wife gives you and her sister her blessing. I don't think that's going to happen by a long shot.
My suggestion to work your way around this issue? Couples therapy (for you and your wife). You both have lost the ability to communicate, share and express feelings for each other. The sister in law is just a surrogate, just as you are a surrogate boyfriend and father to her child. You've lost that emotional connection to your wife, and replaced it with her sister.
Before making any drastic decision to break up your family, at least try to fix the relationship with your wife. A therapist will be able to help you with this.
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