A
male
age
41-50,
*ohnny15
writes:I am 35 years old, married for 9 years with 3 kids relatively young - 7 and twins of 4 years old.I met a girl 4 years ago (Kelly) but we really started to see each other more often like twice a week over the past 4 months, before it was once a month. I changed everything recently by making initiative to conquer her love of which I succeeded.The facts are the following:1) I know I love Kelly very much2) I don't love my wife and I actually never loved her that much, albeit she is a wonderful person and mother3) I am scared of doing damage to my wife and most importantly my young kids4) Kelly is 12 years younger than me, she has a litle girl 1-year old, she never got along with the father and he is so irresponsible, he will be out of the picture soon5) Kelly and I have a very different background, I am educated and straight (I admit except with this relationship) and she is more like a girl with little piercing and tatoo, I believe this will create problem from my parents and friends point of view.6) Kelly loves me very much and needs my supports (financial and emotionnal)7) I know in my heart I want to be with Kelly but all the above concerns scare me out. I am confused because on the other hand, I can always stay with my wife because I don't hate her and protect my kids.Thanks for your advice
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female
reader, Winners Never Cheat  +, writes (16 August 2010):
All i can say to you Johnny is, you will reap what you have sowed! Perhaps your wife in the future will deal you the same BS you have dealt her, and then you will see just how hurtful and low down cheating really is.... As for your lil young GF, all she sees is dollar signs, you are a foolish person to think anything else! There is no person worth leaving your wife and children over, remember if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you! A lot of today's younger generation of females have no morals or self respect! Why would you trade your wife for a gal like her? She could not have much to her knowing you have a wife and kids at home, yet still lays down with you! You need to cut the lil gold digger loose totally, and if you aren't going to do that, than do your wife and kids a favor, divorce her, and allow her to find a REAL MAN who not only will treat her with respect and love, but your kids as well, they deserve to be happy too. YOU don't deserve such a great woman or great kids! Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win! Learn to keep your zipper zipped, think with your real brain, not the one on the end of your tool! People who cheat disgust me! Hopefully you will pull your head out of your rear, and start using your real brain, before you lose your whole life, and over what? A low life Tramp who could careless about you!!!
A
male
reader, Johnny15 +, writes (4 May 2010):
Johnny15 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses.I broke up with Kelly. I found that I am not that important to her, in ranking, I would score just a bit above her friends, and well below her best friend and family. She does not have the time for me and said I was too demanding (we are just seeing each other 2 times a week for a total of 8 hours), I wanted to see her more. In fact, her ex is still living with her, just for the sake of taking care of the child and the house. Strangely, she does not want me to bump into her ex at her house and she wants privacy with her child, so that makes our time very limited. I sacrificed a lot for her, I always put her interest before mine, I pay for her house too and in return, I find that she does not take care of me. I know I still very love her, I know I am stupid but love is blind.I think I feel bad we broke but I also feel very happy for my three kids and my wife (she is very happy to see me return as she is the one who truly loves me). Guess, I am the one who is suffering the most and no pity for me!One suggestion for your answers: folks try to be objective and not come up with injures in your answers, we are already very unhappy and lost, some people are just good people with a conscience but sometimes, feeling is hard to control.Bye,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): So Johnny what have you decided? Your lover or your wife and kids? And are you still paying your lovers bills. Where is Kellys boyfriend, the father of her one year old baby? Decions, decisions!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): you dont love your mistress. you only think you do. Im sure if you pick out what she does that your wife doesnt, talk to your wife. you can work things out. You made a COMMITTMENT to your wife AND kids when you got married. if your a man of your word you will go back and at least try to fix things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): 6) Kelly loves me very much and needs my supports (financial and emotionnal)
........so your lover NEEDS YOU FINACIALLY. if you stop to think for just a minute (without that c*ck of yours)you would see that your lover is merely using you to pay her bills. that is her reward from you for the sex she dispenses. nice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Honesty is always the best policey. You have kept your wife in the dark about who you really are tell her the truth and set her free. She deserves better and so do your children.Your wife move on and remarry. Your children will have new father who is around for them helping with day to day concerns that really matter. I have less sympathey for your mistress as she will get what she deserves-you. She knows what sort of a man you are and what sort of aman you aren't. By the way just because you have money it does not make you a pesponsible person. I don't know where you get this idea from, as you are obviously very irresponsible to get into this situation. Also if your mistress is attracted to you because of the money you think you can offer her, you are both deluded. Once your wife has divorced you you will have no money left as she will get more than half and continuing maintenance until your oldest child is 18. Good luck-your going to need it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): Sounds like you screwed up big time.
A. You leave your wife for Kelly.
Your wife, your kids, your friends and family all lose respect for you. Your wife is heartbroken. Your kids may never forgive you. Kelly gets overwhelmed by your guilt and your drama, she gets bored and leaves you too.
B. You Leave Kelly. You wife finds out you had an affair, you lose your wife and the respect of your kids. Your friends and family lose respect for you. Kelly is heartbroken 'cause she got kicked to the curb.
Sounds like a no-win situation.
You are one smart dude!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): Love is a choice and to me it sounds like you don't know the difference between love and infatuation. You think you are in love with this sexy, hot, dangerous younger woman. You are sneaking around and getting a rush off of the danger aspect and that is making your relationship with Kelly more exciting. That doesn't mean it's love. Your mistress will never respect you because she knows that you are a cheater. Once you leave your wife Kelly will get bored of you. Not to mention when the danger is gone you will get bored too, just like with your wife, and you will be sitting there wondering how you messed up so badly. You should leave your wife, she doesn't deserve you!
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Kelly does not love you; she loves your money and attention. She will soon bore of your J. Crew-lifestyle and your three kids, and since you'll have no money, she won't bother keeping you around.
She'll go back to screwing her baby's daddy and you will be left looking like a fool (with your pants on the ground).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): You either have two choices, you stay and try and work things out with your wife, beccause an unhappy relationship creates a unhappy family, my parents were unhappy for years and they stayed together because "of you kids" but to be honest it was miserable when they were were together, Kids will sense when things are not right and this will do more damage, i seen it with my family, there was always tension. When they did seperate, it was upsetting at first but its so much better now.
I dont think its fair you should be keeping both women stringed along, you owe your family more respect than that. Have you or want to try and work things out with your wife?
Or the second choice is leave your wife and be with this woman. Its your life, you make the choice. Just be prepared for a rough time ahead and make sure your kids come first no matter who you are with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): To the "A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010):
Leave your wife and children and pursue the relationship with Kelly......: SPOT ON. love your answer. we all can take bets as to how this will end up.
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A
male
reader, njmbslk +, writes (18 March 2010):
You should have thought of all that before you had kids. Man up and deal with it. Unless your wife is abusive, then stop being a selfish jerk. Part of being a parent is sacrificing what you want for the betterment of your children. If you didn't want that responsibility, then you should have kept it zipped.
One of the reasons I've never considered cheating on my wife of 10 years is that I don't want my two young kids to deal with the clear repercussions of my actions.
You're a MAN. Act like it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Most times people get caught up in the "idea" of their mistress but really haven't experienced a day to day full time life with them. You may find out life with her could be similar to life with your wife. Also, the mistress could find the idea of having an affair with a married man exciting. Once you're in a more normal day to day relationship she could change as well. Are you SURE life with her is worth effecting your marriage and your children? If she is, then go for it... just understand you must live with the consequences. If you don't want to hurt your wife or your kids then end it with your mistress. End it IMMEDIATELY. If your wife hasn't done anything wrong, then she doesn't deserve what you are doing.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (17 March 2010):
I agree with Mr Grant. I am amazed at how several respondents (female) seem to think you should be guided by your heart.That is claptrap this is real life for you not a TV soap where they all get to go home at the end of the show.What they should say is you want it all. you are selfish, disloyal and have betrayed your wife and kids!Go off with Kelly and lets us see how long that lasts. Do not expect people here to rubber stamp your application nor support you.Have a good dayIsambard
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): If you are a real man then your wants, desires, needs will come second to the needs and security of your children.
Anything less is selfish and self centered and you will be forever resented by your children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): all you need to know is in the end kelly will dump you.
she is too young for you.
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 It's almost universally accepted that these types of mistress to partner relationships don't work out. "But Kelly and I are strong and love each other way too much" I hear you say. Wrong. You see each other a few times a month...big whoop. This is a relationship that currently offers more excitement to you than your family, right? I wonder how much excitement will be there when you move in together and she starts to get worried that you're cheating on her because that's how your relationship started. I feel terrible for your kids. They didn't choose to be born, nor are they choosing to be abandoned by their father because he is more interested in his penis than their wellbeing.
You feel bad? You should feel like the biggest douchebag on the planet.
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Personally I think you will be miserable if you leave your wife for Kelly, but maybe that is exactly what you deserve. So, go on, do it. What is stopping you? Your wife deserves the chance to find someone better than you. I don't really think you are sparing anyone pain by keeping up this charade.
Most likely, if you don't leave for this Kelly, it will be a different "Kelly" so, do it now. Begin the descent!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Leave your wife and children and pursue the relationship with Kelly.
Your wife will be heartbroken, at first, but she'll get over it and meet some younger, fitter and wealthier guy who has his priorities straight. Your children will grow up calling him dad and when they are old enough they'll understand why their father ran off with the (tattooed, pierced) mistress.
Speaking of the mistress. Your relationship with her will be new and exciting for the first few months, after that the strain of your family and friends not liking her will become more apparent. She'll insist that they are bullying her and are being mean to her when you're not their so you have to cut contact with them to save your relationship.
Meanwhile your wife has got the house, the car and alimony, so you can't spend as much on this mistress as she would have liked. Her ex starts nosing around wanting to see his daughter and to 'be a part' of her life - arguments follow.
You're kids don't really want to see you anymore, they have a new father and their loyalty will always lie with their mother.
People younger than you keep getting promoted at work. They all have picture perfect families and one night you are told (in confidence) that the reason you're not getting that promotion is because of your wife's appearance, tattoos and piercings are frowned upon.
A few years down the line your girlfriend falls pregnant with another baby girl. You think that this will put a stop to the late nights she's had recently going out with friends and it does, for a while. When the baby is two she tells you she's met someone else. He's a 'bad boy' and she just feels like she's been living a fake life with you for the past few years.
She leaves you with your child, takes half of your earnings and house (of course)
You're now in your early 40's divorced twice with 4 children, none of which will ever call you dad. You're broke because of all the child support etc and you're finding it hard to meet anyone new...
Story of your life? Maybe. It is the story of a close friend of mine.
Don't do it - you'll regret it later and by then you'll be all alone.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 This reasons is enough to make you want to forget about having a mistress.
9)You could lose your car, home, boat, motorcycle, dog, health insurance, children's college fund, inheritances, credit rating, etc..
Think of how much you will lose and what will you gained in return?
You should focus inwardly and learn to fall in love with your wife again.
30 reasons why you should not have a mistress....
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_cons_of_having_a_mistress
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Hiya what makes Kellys ex any more irresponsible than you are? He only left her with one child to support. You admit youve never loved your wife yet you gave her 3 children and now you are seeing a girl behind her back? That is wrong of you. First of all, try talking to your wife and telling her you arent happy and have never loved her. Once she has digested this information, it will be easy for you to be with Kelly because your wife wont want you any more. Once you are installed with Kelly and giving her the emotional and financial support shes asking for, see how exciting it all is then. Its one thing to be running around with someone behind a partners back with all the excitement and drama. But once you are Kellys proper partner, looking after her and her child financially and emotionally, PLUS having to do the same to your ex family....while watching your ex wife hit the dating scene again, ive a feeling you might regret your choices. Lets face it, they havent been too sound so far.
So, if you really want to leave your wife. Sit down with her and talk honestly about your unhappiness within the marriage. If neither of you want to work things out and stay together, atleast try and leave without too much damage to your children. They shouldnt be made to suffer because you arent happy. See that they are settled first and stable. Then worry about yourself and Kelly.
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A
male
reader, Brunel +, writes (17 March 2010):
JonnyYou need to step back before this all to late? You have got yourself in a mess, Kelly this and Kelly that, I do noy give a frig about her. Your wife and kids are what is important here, not some bird that you may well replace for a newer model later on.You have not goit in this mess via anyone elses fault. You have lied, you are a cheat, you are an aduterer these facts will all become apparent to your kids in the future and you will need to be able to answer them. Thats of course if they speak to you?Your selfish actions have or are baout to ruin - how many lives? Kelly will be temporary because like you her morals are questionable.I read your script and wonder whether it is you that is 12 years younger. I am fed up with idiots like you asking the rest of us to pat you on the back and approve your foolish actions?Wake up this is a fad you are going thru, get rid of Kelly if you can and get back to your wife and kids. I assure that Kelly and you will not last-if you do this you will regret it for a long time!NOT THE ADVISE YOU WANTED METHINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 I am not one of these people who would automatically say sacrifice your happiness to stay at home,(as most do) because you have a right to be happy too and children are pretty resiliant and countless numbers of them come through their parents divorcing to be happy productive adults - but you can't have your cake and eat it too at everyone elses expense. That is just selfish! It's one or the other!
Sorry that I am gunna be blunt when you have got yourself in quite the dilemma here, ... but you should have thought of all these concerns before going all out to win her over only to fuck her over. Cut the poor woman loose right now coz at the end of the day you wont have to balls to wear the guilt that will eat at you and you will choose your wife and children.
Whatever you do, don't string your mistress along coz her life will be on hold as long as you try to hold on to her. If you love her, then set her free so she won't overlook other opportunities that may come her way because you are in the picture and she is holding out hope.
You have created a situation where someone will get hurt no matter what you do, but the worst thing you could do is try to have it all at anothers expense. You are the only one who would gain from that. One of them has to go if you want to try to do the right thing in a wrong situation - and usually it is the mistress!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 March 2010):
Maybe you don't love your wife, and no, you shouldn't stay with her if you don't love her. It's not fair to her and say you did decide to divorce her after the kids had grown, it's still hurtful to them. I know if my husband didn't really love me and was cheating on me, kids or not, I would rather be with someone who loves me.
However, I'm almost getting the sense that you only "love" Kelly because she's this 23-year old that doesn't have her life together, she's a little bit on the wild side compared to what you're used to, and you want to "save" her or something. She's emotionally and financially UNstable...I honestly don't know what you see in her,she's obviously not a catch. She has nothing to offer you besides that she's probably different from your wife that you're probably just bored with.
You sound confused and before you make any rash decision, you need to figure out what you want. Obviously it's something lacking in your marriage that is making you stray and you need to figure that out. I don't think this Kelly person is really what you're looking for. So for once in your life, grow a pair, tell people the truth and figure out what you want because it's about too late.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Points # (2) and (3) -- she's wonderful, and you don't want to hurt her and your children.
Vs. Points # (4), (5), and (6). Kelly is young, needy, and probably incompatible.
You got married. You made vows. Then three kids came along, and gosh, it isn't fun anymore.
I'll beg your pardon if the following isn't what you want to hear. You made a commitment, whether you actually thought you loved her or not. You made children with her. If that doesn't seal a commitment, then, frankly you're not a man.
Gosh, you're bored, and a new, younger girl comes along. Well then, forget your marriage vows, throw the children you made into turmoil. I'm sure that Kelly, despite the different background, is going to make you happy.
Just what did you hope to hear with your posting? That oh gosh, marriage and raising kids can take the glow off so it's OK to move on?
I don't know if your father ever talked to you about what it was like to be a MAN. I can tell you what I would tell my son if he were ever to put this situation in front of me. I'd tell him it was time to MAN UP. And that is sure as hell not what you are proposing to do.
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