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I love her, I like her personality, and we've dated for 4 years in a LDR, but I have mixed feelings. Can I come to terms with the fact that she is hairy?

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A male Iran - Islamic Republic of age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been with this girl for almost 4 years by now, and according to how everything has proceeded (education/financial etc) it's time for making the advance for marriage, as has always been our plan.

We have not had sex (saving for marriage/cultural reasons/ also living in two different cities).

She is a lovely girl, and by my own moral standards, a better person than I am, I look up to her.

There is however, one problem; she is hairy! Not only a hairy body (as she has told me herself and I have noticed through what ordinary clothing may reveal), but its also her face.

She has to wax every week, or she'll look embarrassing. It's not just peach fuzz, it's strands of thick dark hair under chin, a few on upper lips, etc.

This has been torturing me during the past 2.5 years that has made me uncertain about going on with this relationship.

To be honest, it's disgusting to me. Now everyone should ask "why did you start this relationship at the first place".

Here is why; We meet every month or so, because of the distance.

During the first months, she kept her facial hair trimmed every time we met, and I did not notice this problem until it was over a year since the start of the relationship.

When she was not well trimmed for the first time and I noticed this, I was simply shocked!

I had never seen such a thing,and even never heard of it! And the inexperienced person I was, I even could not imagine that a girl could be hairier than a fairly hairless guy like myself!

I have not had the strength to go for any thing like a break up for three main reasons:

1- I love her, and we go along well with each other. If it was not for this issue, I would not have any, ANY doubt that she is the best person to marry! Also, apart from this issue, she is a pretty girl, with a lovely smile that easily melts anyone's heart.

2- During all this time, in one way or another, she was in some sort of crucial instance of her life and needed me to be beside her; preparing for an important exam, or going through a crucial year of graduate studies, etc. She grew to be so dependent on me and I knew if I broke up with her at those instances, she would cripple under the combined pressure of the circumstances and and the break up.

3- I saw it below my dignity to dump a girl for something like this (as the patron of men-women equality I am), especially as I blamed myself for being inexperienced and not noticing this issue from the beginning (it would be much easier to break up back then or not to start the relationship at the first place).

Now I am stuck and don't know what to do.

I fear taking the next step, marry her, and then find this problem unbearable. I fear it influencing our relationship because I might lose sexual interest in her and I think one can not consider it a successful marriage if the sex is not going well.

From this perspective, I think no matter how much a break up will hurt both of us now, it may hurt us even more if things go like this in the future.

At the same time, I keep telling myself that this is a trivial thing of no importance and I am making a big deal out of it for myself. If I break up with her now, not only it will hurt us now, but I will have lost the biggest chance of my life to have such a lovely person beside me.

Out of self-consciousness (I am not sure if the term applies here), I look at all the girls and women every where with normal faces (no facial hair, etc) out of jealousy, and feel being deprived of something very basic in my partner.

At the same time, I think of her, and the great person she is, and the things we share, and the lovely moments that we have had, and feel terrible and embarrassed.

I can't discuss all these with my closest friends or family members because I don't want to degrade her in anyone's eyes or have any one lose their respect for her.

So I will appreciate anyone's comment that can help me find the correct perspective on this issue and make the correct decision. Also sorry for it taking too long and also for my English, I am not native.

View related questions: a break, broke up, jealous

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntShe should go to the doctor and get a diagnosis and then get the proper treatment for it. She could also get hair removal laser. Either way talk to her and ask her to get it checked out, it is a medical issue.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (28 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHirsutism is likely to be the cause - it's rarely an easy fix. Humans can be shallow, but we can choose not to be because humans also have "flaws", like more body hair, spots, scars, etc.

Men and women grow almost the same amount of hair. As you say, you are less hairy than other men, but that's okay, so why isn't it okay if a woman is more hairy than some men? It should be okay and only isn't because society encourages men and women to think female body hair is gross.

I have hirsutism and was lucky to find a young man who didn't care. I'm 21 and we had to break up for now, but I'm terrified that if we don't get back together, nobody else will be able to accept me without me having to spend hours removing it every week.

It's not fair to expect someone to take 30+ minutes out of every day to keep up with hair removal, especially if they work during the week or are otherwise busy most of the time.

Perhaps she would like laser hair removal, but it's rarely cheap and she should be loved regardless, just like every other kindhearted person deserves to be.

If you can't get over it, break up with her, but realise that most women would be hairy without shaving/waxing and that it's not uncommon for women to have facial hair, it's just darker on some women.

I am concerned by the lack of empathy from a couple of replies. Women who have excess hair should not have to remove it to be deemed attractive. It's just body hair. As long as you love her and she loves you, it shouldn't embarrass you. She should remove it as little or often as she wants, not to please others. It's not always easy to get rid of, even with hormonal medication and expensive treatments.

Should she and other women like her just stay unmarried and unloved because most men and women can't accept that it's rarely an easy fix and isn't something disgusting that should be removed or hidden?

You seem like a nice enough guy, OP, and I know it's not common to see it, but that's because hairy women are shamed into hiding it or spending several hours a week trying to remove it. It's not something they choose.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

I have news for you, a vast hidden majority of women deal with this problem every day. It's just that some women are better at hiding it than others. So, as for your disgust, you would have to be disgusted by many, many, many of the women you meet who are secretly dealing with the same issues. Many women just confide in a couple of female friends or maybe even just their doctor, or maybe no one ever! But let me tell you in my career I get confided in with this problem A LOT, this problem is FAR FAR more common than you could ever imagine.

I think if you truly loved her, how could knowing she has facial hair kill that love? I mean, real love your appearance could change completely, you could get scars or wrinkles and the love would still be there. Do you really feel so differently just because you know that she has some facial hair?

I know there is embarrassment with her going out without removing the hair...well I understand that. I guess I would wonder why she doesn't remove the hair more frequently? Many women shave or wax daily. Laser treatments can work, but only on the right contrasting hair colour to skin tone scale- for many women they DON'T work. Anyway, I wonder if she leaves the hair on because she can't see it too well depending on her bathroom lighting? In any event this is a VERY tricky subject to raise as you could hurt her feelings by bringing it up.

But if it is that much of a problem for you then I think you will have to bring it up. Try to be kind when you do. I'm sure that she doesn't want her facial hair on there either. She probably doesn't realize how noticeable it is. Try not to make her feel like a she is weird or a freak, when you raise it I would emphasize that you know this problem is incredibly common in women, but you wanted to help her find solutions as you know that weekly waxing stresses her out, or something along those lines. Maybe you could say that you know she is bothered by having hair and you would like to offer to pay for laser treatments.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

TBH I think you are justified if you break up with her because she did hide this fact from you in the beginning of your relationship however since you have been this long together and you do honestly want to find a solution then you have every right to declear to her your misgivings and convince her to see a doctor. I live in Istanbul I know there are many hair removal centers by laser in thus city which they boost it can permanently eleminate body hair. There may be similar conters in your country too. It is worth trying.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (27 March 2017):

Tisha-1 agony auntWomen grow hair, just as men do. As you already know, it's not her fault.

Look up laser hair removal in your area. There are aestheticians and doctors who can help her get rid of that unwanted hair. You can also purchase devices for use at home but I don't know their availability where you are.

Some medical conditions can cause excessive hair growth so it might be helpful for both of you to be examined by a good doctor, if that hasn't happened yet.

There is a solution to this situation. Knowing that, would you still find her repulsive after she's had treatment? If you think you would, be kind and release her from the engagement so she can find another. If having the hair dealt with handles the problem for you, then you can proceed happily! Good luck!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (27 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntI think that this is so serious, you should discuss this with her.

You can ask her about treatments for removal of facial hair/body hair. You can research if there are good method for more permanent solutions. Such as bleaching the hair. Or lacer removal. Such things can help. Maybe she needs to see a better clinic.

I think you should talk to her about this and have a good and long conversation about it. You are talking marriage here, that is a big step and a big decision. So this is something you and her need to talk about before marrying. I would say DO NOT marry her, not when you are having these concerns.

But, if you talk to her, and you can come up with a solution, then that might solve the problem. I know lacer treatment works in many cases. As does bleaching the hairs, to make them not so dark or visible. Regular waxing also helps. Ask her about whether she would be comfortable to always wax it, through her entire life. Or if she plans to "let it go" once she is married and not mind with waxing. Maybe it comes down to money, maybe she can not afford better treatment for this.

It could be related to hormones, a good doctor would be able to give proper treatment in this case.

I am saying, I believe there are solutions to fix this. So before you decide anything, talk to her about it and find solutions. But if there are no solutions, I do not think you should marry her.

Yes, some may call you shallow, but we are all shallow. We are humans, not saints. This is something you are not attracted to, this is something you can not look past, and something that will always bother you. But this is also one of those things that CAN be changed. It would be different if she was fat, because that has to do with life style choice and personal character (most often), and is not something you can change. It would be different if she had a bad personality, that is also not something you can change. It would be different if you didn't like her nose, because although there is surgery to change a nose, going through surgery is a big thing and can involve many risks.

But facial hair on a woman? She does not want this facial hair herself, and probably wants it to go away just as much as you do. So talk to her about how you can find ways to remove it, or make it a little better for the both of you.

Then make your decision later. The answer will come to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

This is a medical condition that your girlfriend cannot help and is obviously doing her best to control. People don't get as physically close to her as you do and it isn't as noticeable when not perfectly trimmed and you see it from a far.

This is called hirsutism. Google it. When women enter menopause they can also suffer from this as it is hormone related.

There are treatments. Very pricey and not always pleasant or effective.

You can either learn to live with it, accept it for what it is, or you can move on. You don't have a third option. Your girlfriend cannot change this. It doesn't make her not beautiful. It is just hair that she tries to control.

I have to shave my face every single day, sometimes twice - if I could reach into my body and poke at my hormones to sort themselves out, I would.

Does your girlfriend suffer from polycystic ovaries do you know? As this is what causes mine. I imagine your gf has researched all of the available options on her own but eating dairy can make it all worse.

Do some research. If you can't get over it, let her go find someone who can.

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