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I laid my cards on the table and he backed right off!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Online dating, Social Media, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 April 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 April 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I met Mark 3 months ago. We had both gotten out of 5 year relationships a year before that, and he told me that he lived with his ex during their relationship. She broke up with him because she didn't feel a spark anymore, and he was very hurt because he lost her family as well - he's been in the US on a Visa for years, so that was his source of family here. He also told me that once a year at the beginning of summer, he gets very stressed out wondering if this Visa will be renewed.

We connected instantly and talked all day everyday, including both texts and calls. We would see each other multiple times a week. This was the first time he dated someone in a year, and we got VERY close, delving into our deepest wishes and fears. One day after a particularly great weekend where we could not have had more fun/been closer, he seemed to be distant. He called me that night and said that he needs to be more realistic about the fact that his Visa may not get renewed this time in a couple of months. He said that he worries about what will happen if we continue to get closer and then he has to go. He said he feels like he has a wall up now about everything in his life, including pushing us "forward" to the next stage.

A few days later, he seemed very upset so I left him a care package on his doorstep. He called me and said that it brought a tear to his eye - he said that nobody ever did something like that before and that he knew someone like me was rare to find, so he doesn't understand why he can't bring himself to make a commitment to me. He said he never had a connection with anyone like we had before; he said even in the first year of dating his ex he wouldn't even talk to her everyday. He said that he did have strong feelings for me but that he has a problem with distancing himself from people. He also said that he suffers from depression which also effects his life a lot. We agreed to keep seeing each other.

Long story short, the next week he only called me once a day. One night, he called me crying in the middle of the night and said that he had applied to a job in New Zealand that morning - not because he wanted to, but just in case his Visa got rejected in a couple of months. He was so upset, and we talked for two hours about it. He said that this is his focus right now and he doesn't know what he wants because of everything going on. It hurt so much that he was pulling away, but part of me understood.

A couple days later, I decided to lay it all on the table. I sent him a sweet message basically telling him that he was special to me and that what I've really wanted in all the men I dated was a true connection with someone, which is what I found in him. I assured him that no matter what he decided, I would be there for him even if he pushed me away. The message was positive, and at the end I said that what I wanted was for us to live in the moment and spend as much time together as we can while we are still able to. I said I was hopeful I'd see him soon.

He never responded. A week later, I texted him asking if he was alright. He said he was and that he was sorry he hadn't responded to the message; he said he "hasn't figured out what to say". I said it was alright and that I didn't expect him to figure it out overnight or in a day.

That was 3 weeks ago. I am 100% sure that he felt for me what I felt for him, so what should I do? Should I let him go completely and hope that things work out? My heart is absolutely shattered... I had a stronger connection with this man than my ex of 5 years, and I'm 100% sure that he did, too. He told me that he has a problem with distancing himself from people, even family back home... so I don't know what to do. It hurts so much.

View related questions: broke up, his ex, my ex, spark, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (16 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds to me like he is not as in to you as you are in to him. I am sure you both developed a good connection, but from what you have wrote I don't think he is over his ex or being part of her family.

I honestly think the best thing that you can do now is move on. You have only knowing this man for a few months and he has already not communicated much this last month. I know it is difficult but I think you need to let him go.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

You've only known him a short while and you have already gone into overdrive on him.

It was friendly of you to do a care package but it's too much way too soon.

There is a lot you don't know about this guy.

A few nights of in depth talking can in fact mean nothing.

But as you are young you are reading a lot into it.

Learn to be more cautious.

Even a pimp can seem friendly at first.

Hold back and realise you don't really know this guy as deeply as You think You do!You are projecting what you want him to be onto him.

He may have a very unsavoury way of distancing himself when trapped.

Take the soft path and move on.

Sometimes it's not good to bring drama to your doorstep.

Back away from him and move on.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (14 April 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntLet him go OP. He's not into you... At all.

He sounds like an ok guy because he's not using you for sex or his visa (!) but the fact remains that he's still not over his ex and may never be. While he appreciates your concern and feelings for him, he's made it clear that he won't reciprocate either of them. The ex is there too strongly in his mind even though he won't say so himself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

He's just not ready .. It's that simple.. his words are all great but they are just words .. his actions do not match . If he felt the way he thinks be does. Then be would be sharing his issues of maybe relocating home and asking how would you feel about joining him at some point for a while . People make things work of they wish too . If I were you I would get on with my life and see what happens

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

You said that he said that he has problems distancing himself, but OP.... he has distanced himself.

Mend your shattered heart. It's not his it's yours. Don't give your heart to a being who hasn't got one.


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

This is a strange one!

Do you want us to tell you what he's thinking or what he's going to do next? it's a bit vague.

Where do you need help?

Does he like you or not?

Your guess is as good as ours/mine.

I do know though, that when someone is interested in someone they don't play games. It feels like he could be doing this. When someone plays games with someone else's feelings they are the losers. You have not done this to him, you have placed your cards on the table, so you are a winner!


Don't let an - obviously - mixed up man who's life is restricting yours become your focus.

You have your own life, it would be wise to concentrate on this.

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